Worth It

by Nicki DeStasi

  I laugh to myself. I’m so freaking stupid, but at least it made me laugh. Laughing is better than crying. It’s better than fear. I feel calmer now, and my panic isn’t as suffocating, so I pull up Jed memories again. I think about the way he looks at me, like I’m beautiful, like I mean something to him. I think about the tender kisses he gives me, the casual touches, the huge smiles, everything. The way he acts around me shows that he cares about me, makes me feel like I’m worth something.

  Thinking about Jed this way helps. It puts me in my happy place.

  I giggle at myself because now I’m quoting Happy Gilmore.

  I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

  You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

  I laugh to myself. I love that movie. I take a deep breath, feeling a lot better. I’m satisfied that I’ve buried the terror back down to where it can’t hurt me. I take another deep breath and let it out slowly before closing my eyes and drifting back to sleep with the sweet, wonderful memories of Jed on my mind.

  “Hey, girlie,” Shannon says when she answers the phone.

  “Hey, you,” I reply quietly as I finish getting ready for work.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks, concerned.

  I sigh heavily. “I need some advice.” I give her a recap of what happened last night.

  She chuckles. “I thought Jared was friendlier than normal, so I think I can understand Jed’s reaction. It was maybe a little extreme, but I understand it.”

  “You thought Jared was flirting, too?” I ask, confused.

  She sighs. “Sweetie, he’s always all over you. I used to think he wanted you, but as time went on and nothing happened, I think maybe he sees you as his little sister. You know how protective he can be of you, so maybe he was trying to throw Jed off.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” I concede. “So, you don’t think Jed getting so angry is a red flag?”

  “Honey, everyone has faults, and as long as he wasn’t threatening or violent, I wouldn’t immediately label it as a red flag or a deal-breaker. You know Chad can lash out when he’s upset, too. You should also keep in mind that Jed said he wasn’t used to the whole jealousy thing, and he’s learning to deal with these emotions. Guys and emotions are like oil and water—they never mix well. Just keep an eye on it.”

  I sigh, feeling lighter. “Yeah, Shan, you’re probably right. This is just hard for me. I don’t want to slip back into bad habits.”

  She sounds genuinely happy when she says, “Hon, the fact that you’re saying that makes me so damn happy that I could cry. I don’t think I could have handled biting my tongue if you had gotten yourself involved with another shitstick.”

  A giggle erupts from within me. “When have you ever bitten your tongue? You told Sam he was a slimy asshole.”

  “That was me biting my tongue, lady. He’s lucky I didn’t run him over with my car.”

  “Too bad you didn’t.” I laugh.

  I can picture her smile when she says, “I’m so happy you found someone awesome, honey. Jared will see that, and he’ll come around, too.”

  “I hope so.” I have a stabbing feeling in my gut. Jared’s been in my life along time. He probably doesn’t even know how his idle chit chat helps me keep it together when I’m down. “So, you don’t think I’m becoming dependent?”

  She sighs. “There is a difference between healthy dependence and trust and unhealthy dependence. It’s not healthy to disappear and let that person consume who you are. In a healthy relationship, it’s okay to lean on someone and trust him. You guys seem to be moving fast, but you’ve also spent almost every day together for over a month, so having some trust and attachment is okay and normal.”

  “Who are you? Confucius?” I say sarcastically. Her words of wisdom make my heart beat furiously with hope even though I try desperately to avoid the dreaded H-word. Hope only makes disappointment worse.

  “Har, har, har,” she mock laughs. “You know I’m a genius.”

  “Yes, Einstein, your logic and wit are both charming and helpful. Thanks, girl,” I say in a soft voice.

  “No problem, sista. You know I’m always here for you.”

  “Thanks, girl. I should let you go though, so I can finish getting dressed.”

  “All right, chica. You know I’m always here to talk. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, babe. I’ll talk to you later,” I say.

  “Later.”

  I smile as I hang up. God, I love her.

  When Jed pulls up, I bolt out the door, so he doesn’t come up to the house. I’ll admit guiltily that I’m a little embarrassed of my mom. I love her, but she’s definitely kind of crazy. There’s only so much crazy I’m willing to expose to Jed at a time. The way things seem to be going, I know that he’ll meet my parents at some point, but I need to put that off for a bit. Baby steps.

  Jed seems like he’s in a great mood on the way to my work.

  When I point it out, he says, “Why wouldn’t I be happy when I get to see your beautiful face first thing in the morning?”

  I love the crap out of these sweet moments. He apologizes again for his freak-out, and I reassure him that I’m not upset, and I understand.

  After Jed pulls up into the parking lot and shifts it into park, he says, “Mind if I stop in after the lunch rush?”

  I smile. “I’d love that. I might have to do some restocking and prep work, but I should be able to hang for a bit.”

  He grins and leans in to give me a quick kiss. “That works for me, baby.”

  I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him back to me for another kiss. When I pull back, I say, “Good. See you in a few hours.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  “Bye,” I say before opening the door, hopping out, and pushing it closed.

  I walk into work with a gigantic grin on my face.

  Lunch hour is busy, which is fine. I usually prefer to be busy and not have idle time, especially when I am working with Douchey McBallhair. There’s less opportunity for him to be a prick. He leaves after lunch dies down, and I begin restocking and then do the prep work. I plan to get most of it done before Jed gets here, so I can spend more time with him.

  I’m just about finished when I see Jed walk in. He’s wearing jeans that fit him just right, showing off his muscular legs, and although I can’t see it, I know it is showcasing his spectacularly firm backside. His bad-boy leather jacket still makes my mouth water and my body shiver.

  Mmm, sexy.

  He smiles huge when he sees me. “Hey there, sexy lady.”

  I smile back just as huge. “Hey, you.”

  When I walk over to him, I rise up on my tiptoes and press my lips to his. He wraps an arm around my waist, crushing me to him. He lets out a low growl and slips his tongue between my lips. I open my mouth willingly, eagerly, and I clutch his shoulders tightly. Heat blooms inside me and washes through my body, and I can feel myself getting wet despite where we are. I entwine my fingers in his dark hair, and I pull him closer to me, urging him to devour me like I love, before he breaks off suddenly. He leans his forehead against mine, his ragged breath fanning across my face.

  He kisses the top of my head. “You’re going to be the death of me. I’m rock-hard just from a kiss, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  As tempting as it is to drag him out back, with my luck, someone would walk in. Or even better, Dr. Dickbag would come back early.

  I sigh. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

  He rubs himself against me, and it makes me bold.

  I push up on my tiptoes and whisper in his ear, “You made me wet.”

  When I pull back, he lets out a garbled groan and locks eyes with me.

  I continue, “We can take care of it later when I’m off work though, okay?”

  He groans again. “Mental images are not helping much. I feel like Will Ferrell in Anchorman. Don’t look at me. I have a situation right now I’m trying to walk off.”

  “I love that movie!” I bust o
ut laughing. “I love that we have the same taste in stupid funny movies.”

  He leans down and kisses my nose. “Me, too. I’ve got to hit the head real quick. Hopefully, I can, er…calm down a bit, so I won’t be doing a handstand while I’m taking a piss.”

  I laugh. “Thanks for the overshare. You have fun with that.”

  “I’ll try.” He dips his head down to give me a quick kiss before he walks over to the restroom.

  I watch him round the corner, and I can’t help but stare after him. I sigh. I didn’t think being with someone could ever be like this.

  The doorbell chimes, and I mentally thank my lucky stars that I didn’t drag Jed out back. If we had chosen to finish what we started, having a customer walk in right now would have been bad. I glance over to the door, and all the blood drains from my face. It’s Sam.

  What the fuck?

  I purse my lips and cross my arms over my chest. “Can you not take a hint, Sam?”

  He walks over to me with determination, and he stops close to me, too close for my liking.

  “We need to talk. I need you to hear me out.”

  I’m shocked and stunned silent when he gets down on his knees in front of me.

  “Please, Anna, I need you to forgive me. Please. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I need you. I love you, Anna, and we are meant to be together. I want to get married and have babies with you. Please don’t throw us away. Give me another shot. Please.”

  I’m completely speechless, utterly stunned, by what is happening right now. Yes, he’s laid it on thick before but never like this. I don’t know what to say. I’m not going back to him. There’s no fucking way, especially since I have Jed, but this is totally unlike Sam. He’s always acted like he’s above me. He’s always been like that, so to see him on his knees in front of me, begging, has me shocked. I’m frozen, and it feels a little like being outside of myself.

  He stands, and before I can react, he grabs the back of my head and crashes his mouth to mine.

  I come out of the restroom and turn the corner to see Anna lip-locked with some blond fucker. Red—I see red. Rage boils inside me, and I clench my fists.

  “What the fuck!” I roar.

  Blond fucker snaps his head around without taking his arms off of her. “Who are you?” he asks with narrowed eyes.

  Glancing at Anna, I notice her struggling.

  “He’s my boyfriend, Sam. Get off me.”

  My body relaxes when I realize he must have pounced on her, but my relief doesn’t last.

  Sam—he’s that motherfucker.

  I stomp over and pull Anna to me. Sam looks frozen with shock and hurt.

  “You better keep your hands off her, you fucking shithead.” My voice is menacingly calm.

  He shakes his head, and then he narrows his eyes and smiles tightly. “Are you the latest she’s spreading her skank legs for?” He peers over me to Anna. “How many other cocks are you sucking? If I had known you were fucking everything that moved, I wouldn’t have bothered.” He shakes his head again. “You know what? I’m done. That lousy pussy is not worth this shit. You’re not worth it, Anna.”

  Before I can even think, my fist rears back and comes crashing down on his jaw. “Shut your fucking mouth, you stupid fucking asshole.”

  His head snaps back, and he stumbles backward a few steps before righting himself. He stares hard at me as he wipes the blood from his lip with the back of his hand. He gives one hard laugh before shaking his head. “I can’t believe you punched me, asshole. She’s not worth fighting over,” he sneers. “Advice—tap it and move on. She’s a weak slut who’s not worth the air she breathes. She’s definitely not worth getting involved with. She’s clingy, needy, and whiny, and she can’t even suck dick properly. Trust me, she’s not worth the headache.”

  “Are you fucking shitting me?” Anna screams from behind me. She stalks over to him and slaps him hard, making his face jerk.

  Sam’s jaw drops, and his eyes grow wide.

  She jabs her finger into his chest. “You are such a fucking asshole. After everything you put me through, you have the fucking nerve to practically stalk me. Then, you come to my work and say that shit?” She laughs incredulously. “I thought I had fucking issues. You’re like Jekyll and Hyde! Not three minutes ago, you were saying I was the best thing that happened to you, and we were meant to be together. You were on your knees, begging me to have your fucking babies. And now, this? Seriously? Fuck. You.” She jabs her finger into him again. “You know what I think? I think you’re a sick motherfucker who enjoyed torturing me. You enjoyed controlling me. You enjoyed making me feel worthless. Now that you’ve lost me, you’ve realized you’d never find someone who’d put up with the shit I put up with.”

  She’s shaking with anger, but I’m so fucking proud of her right now for sticking up for herself against this dick.

  Her voice lowers as she continues, “You know what I think, Sam? I think you’re a manipulative prick who isn’t worth the dirt on my shoes. I’m a better person than you will ever be. You can leave now, Sam, and don’t bother calling or coming back.”

  He recovers from his surprise quickly. He snorts and says, “Whatever, bitch. You’re not better than me.”

  He leans down to get in her face, and my feet move towards them, my jaw working and my fists clenching.

  “Like I said, you are worthless.”

  Before the last syllable escapes his lips, I reach him and grab him by the shirt. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Does it make you feel like a big man, saying that shit to her, putting down a woman like that?” I push him away. “Leave—before I end up dismantling your face.”

  He rights himself, squares his shoulders, and sizes me up. He must realize that he would abso-fucking-lutely get his face dismantled. He starts for the door as he says, “Whatever, you fucking loser. It’s your fucking dick. When it shrivels up and falls off, don’t say you weren’t warned.” He stops and turns back, his eyes focused on Anna, and his lips curl up evilly. “Just so you know, I cheated on you almost the entire time we were together,” he announces before walking out the door.

  I want to run after him and smash his face in. I feel like my jaw might shatter. I’ve never seen anyone treat a woman like that. Yeah, I’ve known some who have slept around, not staying tied to one girl, but to say those things to someone is just fucking wrong. The fury coursing through me is so hard to contain that my body is solid as stone. I release a breath, willing myself to calm the fuck down. He’s not worth the rag I’d use to wipe off his blood.

  I turn to Anna and see her taking calming breaths. “You okay, baby?”

  She warily looks over at me. “I’m sorry you had to see that, Jed.” She shakes her head and smiles weakly at me. “He’s such a fucking asshole. He knows how much the cheating thing hurts me, and he just threw it out there to be vindictive.”

  “Yeah, cheating is never okay,” I affirm, trying to soothe her. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  She shakes her head, draws in a deep breath, and looks up at me. “I’ve had two boyfriends, and they both cheated.” She looks like she’s struggling for words. “It’s just so fucking frustrating that I’m not good enough to stay faithful to.” She shifts her eyes on the ceiling and then brings them back to me. “I think that was good for me, believe it or not, but I’m having a hard time processing it right now.” She smiles weakly. “You ready to bolt yet?”

  I want to roll my eyes, but I don’t. “Of course not, Anna. He’s an asshole, but I don’t hold that against you. You are smart, funny, and wonderful.” I place a soft kiss on her lips. “And mine, right?”

  She smiles up at me, but her mind is clearly elsewhere. “Right.” She kisses me back just as softly. “Listen, I should probably get back to work, but I’ll come over after.”

  When I look into her eyes, I can tell she’s stressed again, and I want to help her with it. “I want you to talk about what’s bothering you before you get back to work.”


  She shakes her head slightly. “It’s nothing, Jed—really. I think I’m just still a little shaken up from Sam. The adrenaline is fading. I’m fine, but I should get back to work.”

  It’s more than that, and I know it. I want to shake her and yell, Just tell me how to help you! I hate that she’s pushing me away. I just want to crawl inside her and fix whatever it is that has been broken, so she can see the beautiful, wonderful, sexy, and awesome woman in front of me. I don’t want to push her. Between last night and this morning, I’m sure she’s having a hard time processing. I have to earn her trust, so she’ll open up to me. I can do that. I’ll be patient. I don’t want to, but for her, I’ll do it.

  I sigh in acceptance. “Okay, baby, I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” I lean down and give her a quick kiss. “See you about eight fifteen?”

  “Yep. Bye, Jed.”

  “Bye, beautiful.” I smile at her and give her one last peck before I head out the door.

  After I leave Anna, I head over to my parents’ house. I need some advice, and my dad is exactly the person I need to talk to. My dad is the shit. We didn’t have much money growing up, and my dad worked two jobs to provide for us. When he wasn’t working, he was with us. He taught me how to play baseball, how to play football, and how to be a man. He never went out to the bars or spent his days golfing with buddies. When he was off work and wasn’t with us, he was taking Mom on dates.

  I’m not saying I want kids tomorrow or even next year, but I want do want them. I want a family. I want to teach my son how to throw a baseball or teach my daughter how to ride a bike. I want to kiss my wife when I get home from work.

  I’m aware I sound like I have a vagina, but it is what it is.

  I’m not desperate. I went on a couple of dates in between Danielle and Anna, and I knew pretty early on that those girls weren’t for me. They were pretentious or selfish or annoying. I think the best one was this girl who claimed to be a hard worker because she worked doubles twice a week. Come to find out, her single shifts were four hours, so her doubles were a normal person’s workday.