Worth It

by Nicki DeStasi

  She flattens her lips. “It’s not like I was going to do anything with your brother. I just wanted to make sure he was loyal to you, and see, he was. It was all a big misunderstanding.”

  “What? Do you really believe that crap? Because I don’t actually.” I stop when I realize I’m arguing with her, and I know this will get me nowhere. I close my eyes. “Just get your clothes on and get out. Honestly—”

  Her mouth is on mine, her tongue seeking entry, but I push her off and wipe her slobber off my mouth.

  I glare at her. “You know what? It’s fine. You stay here. I have more clothes on anyway.” I stand up, fully clothed from last night, and walk to the door. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” I grit out as I open the door and walk out without looking back at her.

  “Jed, wait,” she calls out, following behind me. “Wait!” she screeches.

  I stop in the hall and turn to face her. I whisper heatedly, “Do you have no respect for anyone but yourself? You’re going to wake everyone up.”

  “Please, Jed, please…”

  I tune her out and start to walk away, but she latches on to my arm.

  “Jed, we can be good together again. Please…I’m sorry. It was a mistake.”

  Maggie’s door swings open, and she looks back and forth between me and Danielle. She must realize what is going on because she closes her eyes and shakes her head slightly. When, her eyes open again, she mouths, sorry.

  “It’s not your fault, Mags. I was looking forward to your breakfast, but I’m gonna head out.”

  Throughout the exchange, Danielle is still pulling on my arm and continues to beg. I don’t want to be a heartless asshole, but she has officially pushed me too far.

  I shrug her off, lean in close to her face, and say in a low cold voice, “Danielle, we’re done. This needs to stop. I’m with someone else, and even if I wasn’t, I don’t want you. I’m sickened that I ever did. Cut the shit, and go try to sink your vile claws into someone else.”

  I turn and leave, but not before I see her flinch like she’s been slapped. I fucking hope I finally got this bitch off my back, but part of me is worried that I’m only poking the snake.

  I try to muster up some tears as they lower my aunt into the ground, but I can’t even pretend to give a flying fuck since all I want to do is have a fucking party. Part of me wants to pretend to cry though because the irony of crying over someone I hated sounds funny.

  Instead of smiling, I sit in the hard fucking chair in the cold fucking wind with a fake frown on my face. It’s the only form of sympathy I can produce. After all, it would look bad if one of the few people who came to her funeral was grinning, which is what my face really wants to do right now. I fucking hated this woman. Not only did she leave me in foster care after my mom OD’d when I was nine, but she also forced me to leave the best fucking toy imaginable.

  Savannah.

  I got into some deep fucking shit back in Lowell—where the cunt sent me after she heard me ass-fucking Savannah. Ah, Christ. Just thinking about that sweet young body has my cock stirring. Honestly, my fucking aunt deserved to die for forcing me to give up that ass. She said some bullshit about calling the cops for some shit about underage fucking. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to go to prison. My Savannah had finally started to fight a little that night, too. Shit, that was hot. My dick is rock solid right now. I’m gonna have to go rub one out after this dog and pony show. I wonder if she’s still around. I know she’d want my cock again. Dirty little whore.

  Thank Christ I’m the only living relative my aunt had or else I might not have been left her house, and I would have been stuck back in Lowell with a few angry motherfuckers breathing down my neck. It’s not my fault I fucked some asshole’s sixteen-year-old daughter. She was asking for it, flaunting her shit everywhere. I was lovin’ the fight she was putting up, too, pretending she didn’t want it, but then she bit my hand hard enough to draw blood. That fucking cunt dared to bite me. I don’t fucking think so. I fucked up her face, but the dumb bitch deserved it.

  It turned out that her father was high up on the drug hierarchy, and he didn’t like me teaching his daughter a lesson. Fuck him. He should have taught his daughter not to be a disrespectful slut. I’m sure stealing a few grand worth of coke and selling it to make some money didn’t help, but I needed the fucking money. The guy didn’t need to be such a fucking asshole though, telling everyone I was a dead man. I needed to get out. What better place to go than the small little town of Groton? After all, this was the same place where life was so great before. I had no responsibilities, except for the occasional shift at the convenience store where I could score drugs and fuck girls in the back room. Then, I’d go fuck Savannah every which way I wanted. I loved the power I had over her, the way I controlled her. It was fucking amazing.

  After I meet with the stupid fucking lawyer to get the deed to the house, I drive to my new home in my shit beater, a white Subaru Outback. I haven’t had it long, but it’ll do for now. Maybe I’ll sell some of my aunt’s stupid shit that she kept around after my uncle died and get some money for a better car. I’ll probably have to get a job, too. Nothing too much because that’ll take time out of fucking and getting high, but something small, so I can afford utilities and shit since the house is already paid off.

  As I drive by Savannah’s old house, I slow the car down a little to see if I can catch a glimpse of her. God, it’s been, what? Five years? A little more? I wonder if she even lives here anymore. I’m twenty-five now, so that makes her, what? Twenty-two, I think. She might be a little old for me now, but shit, it would be nice to be inside that hot body again. I’ve thought of her, here and there. She’s the only skank who let me own her like that. She let me beat her and fuck her however I wanted to, and she kept coming back for more. God, I loved that. I miss it, and with my aunt out of the way, I might be able to have it again. I don’t know if she lives around here anymore, but I’ll keep my eye out—just in case.

  The next week flies by.

  While Jed was playing poker, I went up to Shannon’s and had a jam night. Aaron was there but no Jared, which I was a little grateful for. I don’t think he wants me, but I knew it would make Jed more comfortable. I told him Jared wouldn’t be there when he stopped by my work before heading off to his friend’s house. By the look of relief that flittered across his face before he tried to hide it, I knew that he was happy about it.

  On Saturday, we spent all night together after I got out of work, and on Sunday, we went to his parents’ house again for their weekly family gathering. The rest of the week was business as usual—school, work, study, Jed, repeat. For the most part, it has been the same as the previous weeks, except I’ve been staying over a couple of nights, and we seem to be growing even closer. I haven’t had a nightmare in over a week, and I’m sure it’s because, aside from the teacher test, I’ve been mostly stress-free and happy.

  Every day that goes by, I’m so thankful that I opened up to Jed. He didn’t judge me or act like I was disgusting. He’s sweet, caring, and protective, and I’m starting to realize that if he doesn’t think I’m disgusting, then maybe I’m not. Another part of me is a little worried that I’m doing it again—latching on and defining myself by what he thinks. I don’t want to do that. I want to be okay when I stand on my own two feet, but the other part doesn’t really care because it feels so damn good to have a man, especially this man, truly care about me.

  Shannon said that it’s normal to trust and lean on someone I care about, so I’m just going to roll with it. I haven’t opened up about him and the experiences that damaged me the most yet, but I will eventually. I think I trust Jed enough to tell him, but I’m just not sure that I’m ready to talk about it or even acknowledge that it happened. It was hard enough, trying to shove that fucker in a box and bury it, so I’m a little scared to open it back up. Although, it did feel good to get the rape off my chest, and part of me thinks that maybe I’d get a similar relief if I opened up about him. I’m just
terrified that the risks outweigh the gains in this particular instance, and I will not go back to that horrible place. I’m a little nervous that Jed will see the faint scars on my wrists, and then that box would be opened before I’m ready.

  Gah! I’m thinking too deeply again. I need to stay in the here and now.

  Today is Saturday, and I’ve taken the day off from work. My Teacher’s Test was this morning, and I’m positive I nailed it. I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone, but shit, it feels good when I do something well. It’s like I did something right for a change. Jed and I just left the hotel where the rehearsal was, and he’s driving us to the rehearsal dinner at his friend’s place. At the hotel, where the ceremony will take place, I didn’t need to speak with anyone as I stood off to the side, but now my palms are starting to sweat because I’ll have to be social at the dinner.

  I get so scared that people won’t like me that I become socially awkward. There’s a reason I have a small group of friends, and I never really expanded on it. If I’m lucky, I can get past my discomfort enough to have a conversation, but it doesn’t usually go further than that. It’s very difficult to let people in. Sometimes, I’m floored at how fast Jed snuck into my heart. I glance over at him while he’s driving, and I admire his masculine profile. He must feel me watching because he peeks at me, and he smiles before returning his eyes to the road.

  I take a deep breath and let it out. He makes me happy, and I feel cared for, maybe even loved. I think I love him. The only reason that I say I think is because we haven’t been together that long. It’s been five or six weeks. Surely, I can’t love someone in that amount of time. But don’t they say when I find it, I’ll know it?

  As I dwell on it, my heart pounds, and my palms sweat. Jed looks at me curiously, but I just smile back. I decide to take the plunge and acknowledge reality. I love him. Deep inside me, I know it’s the truth, so I grasp on to it firmly. I fucking love him. I think I really have finally found my happily ever after.

  A nagging voice in my head is telling me that I’m being stupid. How can I trust someone so fast and so easily? Haven’t I been burned enough to learn that lesson?

  I tell that nagging bitch to shut the hell up and let me be happy for a change.

  We’ve been at Mark and Maggie’s for about two hours, and I’ve been stuck to Jed like glue, at least at first. I am surprised at how well I get along with everyone, especially Maggie. She is so freaking sweet and genuine that I find myself drawn to her in a very non-lesbian way. She’s funny and warm, and I think that I might just be able to open up my friendship circle a little wider to accommodate her.

  When I ask her about her wedding, we sneak off into her office. She shows me her wedding dress, and I totally gush over it. It’s, like, totally amazing. I know I sound like a valley girl, but Maggie’s enthusiasm is contagious. The dress is stunning and will complement her trim figure perfectly.

  After the dress, we talk a little bit. She tells me that she’s known Jed for almost five years since she started dating his roommate, her current fiancé, their freshman year of college. She goes on to sing Jed’s praises, saying what a great guy he is, and then she tells me that she’s so glad he found me because we seem perfect for each other. I can’t contain the face-splitting smile at hearing her say that we’re great together.

  I’m really starting to believe that fate had a hand in all this awesomeness that is my relationship with Jed. If I had never moved in with Sam, I wouldn’t have been late, then fired, and then forced to find a new job. I never would have met Jed. In truth, if I hadn’t been with shitbags, would I truly appreciate how great Jed is? I mean, anyone can see with her own eyes how delicious he is on the outside with his strong, trim, lickable muscles, chiseled manly face, and a smile that would melt the panties off a nun. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I might not fully appreciate what’s on the inside—a truly caring, affectionate, giving, understanding, protective, masculine man. The man I love.

  Maggie and I talk a little more about ourselves. It’s mostly superficial stuff, like our jobs, my major, some music we like, and movies, which leads to quotes. For the first time in a long time, I find myself really laughing with another woman besides Shannon or my siblings. A half an hour later, we head back to the party. I’ve stolen her time long enough, and it is her party after all.

  “Hey, do you mind if I use the bathroom before I head back out?” I ask her once we leave her office.

  “Sure. It’s around the corner, the second door on your left.”

  “Thanks.”

  I find the bathroom easily, do my business, and wash my hands. When I open the door, I walk right into someone, and I glance up to see a very pretty leggy blonde who I haven’t met yet.

  “Oh hey. Sorry,” I apologize.

  “No problem. I don’t think I’ve met you before. I’m Jed’s girlfriend, Danielle.” She stretches her hand to shake mine.

  My world stops.

  I must have heard her wrong. She must mean girl friend as in a female buddy from college.

  Yes, that’s right. She couldn’t have meant girlfriend. Right?

  When I don’t immediately take her hand, she must notice my stunned expression, and her face falls. “Oh my God. Are you Anna?”

  My head jerks up and down in a yes motion, but I remain mute because shock has rendered me speechless.

  “Oh, sweetie, I can’t believe he brought you here. He said that he was going to break things off soon.” She frowns sympathetically.

  I’m not hearing her right. I can’t be. I can’t breathe, and my heart is beating furiously. Panic makes my palms start to sweat, and I feel the telltale tickle in my nose, signaling the onslaught of tears.

  I clear my throat in order to keep my tears at bay, and I shake my head, still unable to speak.

  “Yeah, sorry, hon. I’m so sorry you found out this way, but we got back together last Friday when we were all here together.”

  Last Friday? The fucking night after I bared my secret to him? After I let him into a place I’ve never let anyone? I trusted him enough that I revealed that painful part of me, and he does this? When he was supposed to be here with his guy friends? Son of a bitch!

  Betrayal sears through me setting my heart on fire. Why would he do this? Was he really disgusted with me and didn’t want to hurt my feelings? So, he lied and went off to find someone more mentally stable right away? I’m breathing faster, and I’m getting light-headed. I think I might be hyperventilating. The duplicity and rejection are eating at my gut, and I think I’m having a panic attack.

  “Yeah, see, here’s a picture of us in bed together after we…you know.” She holds out her phone.

  I don’t want to see that shit, but morbid curiosity wins. I can’t stop myself from leaning over and looking at a selfie of Jed lying on his back with his arm slung over his eyes and this fucking supermodel in front of me sprawled across his chest, wearing something skimpy, as she’s smiling big at the camera.

  Any shred of doubt I had vanishes with that picture. I think part of me held out hope that she was lying, but they’re very obviously snuggled up, nice and cozy. I can’t breathe. My pulse thuds in my ears, and my hand start shaking.

  He cheated on me.

  He definitely cheated on me.

  He definitely fucking cheated on me.

  That motherfucker!

  And I fell for it.

  Goddamn it.

  Part of me wants to tear this bitch’s face off, but really, she didn’t cheat on me. She didn’t hold my heart and then shove her dick into someone else. I don’t want to cause a scene and draw attention to myself. I don’t want everyone here to know that I’ve been played and I’m not good enough. So, with the whole shitload of practice that I’ve had, I’m able to shove this whole fucking situation into a box. I just need to make it until the end of the night, and then I can walk away and try to find a way to heal.

  I knew this shit was too good to be true.

  Somethi
ng inside me snaps, and the anger builds that wall back up, a fucking concrete and steel castle wall with a blazing hot lava moat around it.

  I am never, never doing this again. I can’t fucking believe this shit.

  See what happens when you hope, Anna? See what happens when you hope for something, and then foolishly believe you’re finally worthy of receiving what you wished for? You get beat, kicked, run over, and stuck in meat grinder.

  Lesson officially fucking learned.

  I give her a jerky nod and brush past her. I’m unable to say anything for fear that I’ll bust her pretty little face in and get blood all over Maggie’s carpet—or I might burst into uncontrollable sobs. She calls out an apology as I make my way down the hall, but I don’t bother to reply.

  What the hell would I say? No problem?

  I scurry the end of the hall and tuck into a corner, so I can compose myself. I do not want anyone to see me struggle not to crack. I don’t need any more embarrassment.

  I wonder when he planned on ending it. When we got back and he could fuck me one more time?

  God-fucking-damn it!

  You know what? Fuck this shit. My trampled, bloody, black-and-blue heart can’t take this shit anymore. I want to walk right up to Jed, tear his fucking head off, and shove it up his ass.

  How dare he make me trust him.

  Fuck!

  I try really hard to suppress the anger while also blocking the tears. I will not cry over this lying asshole. I won’t. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

  It takes me another minute or two before I feel collected enough to return to the party. I try to avoid Jed, and I saddle up next to Maggie. I do my best to smile and nod at the conversation, but I have no idea what they’re saying. For all I know, they could be talking about rainbow-colored unicorns farting glitter.

  “Are you okay?” Maggie asks quietly.

  I plaster a smile so fake that I’m sure I look crazy, and I just nod. She narrows her eyes at me, but then her eyes widen when she glances over my shoulder.