Worth It

by Nicki DeStasi

  After work, I look up from the note that was on my windshield, and I scan the dark parking lot. I don’t see anyone, but I feel eyes on me. It’s probably my imagination though. This shit is starting to freak me out. This is the third note in four months. The first one I reasoned was a mistake, the second I figured was the same thing, so I didn’t even bother telling Jed, but this one can’t be a mistake now. I’ve still been getting calls from the mystery sigher, but they have been coming much less frequently, and I haven’t had one in over two weeks.

  I jump when my phone rings, and I quickly shuffle through my purse to answer it. My blood runs cold when I see that it’s an unknown caller.

  “Hello?” I answer nervously.

  Panting—all I hear is heated panting, like whoever is on the other line is getting off on my fear.

  I hang up quickly, jump in my car, and lock the door. I’m shaking and looking around the parking lot for any signs of danger. When I don’t see anything, I take a calming deep breath and start my car. My mind is spinning as I head to Jed’s. I have no idea who could possibly be messing with my head. I need to talk to Jed about this because it’s freaking me the fuck out.

  Then, my head stops spinning.

  Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him about it. What can he do?

  I don’t know who is messing with me, but I do know what Jed’s reaction will be, and I can’t stand the idea of making him upset. It’s not like he can do anything anyway. I should probably wait until I can get an idea of who it is. Then again, Jed might be mad that I kept something like this from him.

  But whoever it is has been fucking with me for a few months now, and nothing has happened, except for a few notes and weird phone calls. Maybe it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be. The notes might not have even been meant for me. And maybe the phone calls are just from some weirdo who thought it was funny the first time, so he kept doing it. I’ll just stop answering, and whoever it is will go away. Tonight was probably a coincidence.

  I don’t need to get Jed all crazy upset for something that I’m probably overreacting about anyway. I can be such a drama queen sometimes, and I’m glad I caught myself before I made Jed lose his temper. Things have been so amazing for so long, and I don’t want to rock the boat with something that’s probably nothing.

  My Savannah is standing in the parking lot with my note clutched in her hand and the phone to her ear. The scared look on her face has me sliding my palm up and down my dick fast and furiously. I haven’t seen that look in so damn long, and it’s so fucking hot. I want to be inside her body so fucking bad. I’ll make her pay for ever thinking it was okay to let someone else put his dick in her.

  I’ve reached my breaking point for waiting, and I’m just about to get out of my car and grab her when she ends the call and jumps in her car. Shit. I’ve lost my opportunity, but that’s probably a good thing. Sure, I could have her once now, but I need a way to have her permanently again. This is all my fucking aunt’s fault, or maybe it’s Savannah’s fault for screaming that night. I’d still have that sweet compliant body every night if she had never screamed. I pound the steering wheel.

  God-fucking-damn it!

  I don’t want to wait any longer. I’ve already waited too long, but I have no fucking clue how to make this work. I’m getting angry, really angry. That fucking asshole has what’s mine, and the only thing stopping me from just getting rid of him is prison, but even that’s starting to seem like it’s worth the risk.

  A movement catches my eye, and I see a girl stumbling out of a bar, alone. I watch her dig through her purse, looking for her keys, oblivious to the world around her. Perfect. I need something to relieve this frustration, and this little whore could be just the thing I need to calm myself before I do something that would ruin everything.

  “Hey, brother, I need your help,” I growl into the phone. I’m so damn frustrated.

  “What’s up?” Zach says warily.

  I’m not surprised that he’s skeptical. I rarely ask for help.

  “I need you to pick Dad up from work and meet me at Jared’s, the jewelry store.”

  “What?” he shrieks.

  If I wasn’t so irritated, I’d tease him for sounding like a bitch.

  “You heard me.”

  My gut grows tighter by the second. I’m tempted to call my sister, too, but with the way the women in my family flap their traps, Anna would know tomorrow what I’m planning.

  “Are you going to help me out or what?”

  “Why the hell are we going to Jared’s?” he asks, his voice slightly less shrill.

  I roll my eyes. “Take a wild guess, jackass. Are you coming?”

  He sighs heavily. “Yeah, I’ll see you in twenty.”

  “All right. Thanks, bro.”

  “Yeah, see you in a bit.”

  I press End, slip my phone into my pocket, and then glance back at the glass jewelry case that I’ve been staring at for almost an hour. I have no idea what I’m doing, and although the sales dude gave me the basics, he also started yapping about how it should reflect the woman. What the hell does that mean? He went on and on about the round diamond symbolizing eternity, the heart shape symbolizing love and devotion, and then the cut, clarity, style, and on, and on. I knew I should have done some research, damn it, but I thought it would be easy, and I could just wing it.

  When will I learn that winging it will never work?

  I knew she’d want white gold because that’s all she ever wears, but everything else is an overload. I’m in way over my head. Doesn’t buying a ring in the first place symbolize eternity, love, and devotion? I don’t want to get this wrong, but what the hell? I need backup.

  “Tell me we’re not here to do what I think we’re here to do,” Zach says from behind me.

  I turn to see my brother scowling and my father grinning. I knew my dad would understand. He’s always said, When you find forever in a woman, you know it.

  I roll my eyes. “Yes, Zach, that’s exactly what we’re here to do. I’m buying Anna an engagement ring, and I’m lost here.”

  “Don’t you think you should wait a little bit? Don’t get me wrong—I like Anna a lot, but shouldn’t you wait longer to be sure? At least a year, probably two.”

  “We’ve been together for six months. It’s been long enough. I know she’s the one, so I don’t need to wait,” I say, staring at the case in front of me.

  My dad chuckles and places his hand on Zach’s shoulder. “Son, one day, I’m sure you’ll understand, and I promise you that when you meet your other half, you’ll know.”

  I look at my dad and grin, and the irritation starts to fade. I’m glad I asked him to be here, too.

  Zach sighs heavily through his nose, and he shakes his head. “Fine, it’s your life. I just don’t want to see you make a mistake.”

  I snort and turn back to the case. “I’m not making a mistake, so shut up, and help me.”

  I feel Zach and my dad approach and stand on either side of me.

  “What were you thinking?” my dad asks.

  I sigh and run my hand through my short black hair, feeling the irritation return. “I have no idea. I know she would want white gold, but that’s as far as I got. I figured this would be a cakewalk, but the sales guy started droning on about symbolism and cut and crap. Now, I’m drowning in information, and I have no idea what to do.”

  My dad chuckles again and says, “Well, when you think of Anna, what’s the first thing that pops in your head?”

  “Beautiful,” I say automatically.

  Zach chimes in, “I would have said boobs. That girl has a great rack.”

  I glare at Zach. “Watch it, asshole. That’s my woman you’re talking about. Quit being a dick.”

  “Shit, sorry,” he apologizes quickly, holding up his hands. “I was just joking. Relax.”

  I twist my lips. “You’re not helping.”

  “So, beautiful. What else?” my dad interrupts, trying to steer the conv
ersation back to where it should be.

  I breathe deeply, trying to think of something to describe Anna that could also be applied to a ring. She’s smart and funny, but those wouldn’t work here. “Simple, I guess? Not like stupid, but as in low-maintenance, an understated class kind of way.”

  “Good. Anything else?” my dad asks.

  “Hmm…traditional fits, too, I think,” I say.

  “Okay, so my take would be a round diamond with just a few side stones.” Dad stares at the case, looking at the possibilities.

  I look at him sideways with a raised eyebrow.

  “How the hell did you get that?” Zach asks, shocked, mirroring my thoughts.

  Dad looks up at us and rolls his eyes. “It might have been a while, but I’ve done this before. You said beautiful, simple, and traditional.” He stops and points at a ring that is exactly as he described. “Look at that one—beautiful, simple, and traditional, just like you see Anna.”

  I peer down at the ring he pointed out, and I swear that it stands out in a glow of light, making me think the good Lord above is saying, This one!

  I want to yell back, Where were you an hour ago?

  It’s white gold with a good-sized rock that’s about two carats if I had to guess, and it has three smaller diamonds on either side. It’s beautiful and simple, and I’m pretty sure Anna will love it.

  “Unbelievable,” I breathe, stunned. “It’s perfect for her.”

  My dad puts his hand on my shoulder. “Good. You should have called me earlier and saved yourself the trouble.”

  “Hindsight is twenty-twenty, I guess.”

  Dad chuckles.

  “Hey, sales dude!” Zach shouts. “We’re ready over here.”

  “Find something you like?” the salesman asks.

  “Yeah”—I point out the ring—“I’ll take that one.”

  The salesman takes it out of the case, revealing the price tag.

  “That’s kind of pricey, don’t you think?” Zach asks.

  Yeah, this definitely has a hefty price tag for a middle-class workingman. It’s more than I have in my savings account, but I can make payments on the remaining balance. “A little, Zach, but she’s worth it.”

  “How are you doing today, Anna?” Dr. Jenson asks from her office chair.

  It’s been two weeks since that freaky phone call, and I haven’t heard from whoever it was again, so I’m thankful I never said anything to Jed since it turned out to be nothing.

  “I’m doing fantastic.” I smile widely, and my heart swells with bliss. “I got the kindergarten job.”

  Her face brightens with genuine happiness for me. “That’s wonderful news, Anna. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks,” I beam. “It’s contingent on my graduation in three weeks, but that shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t wait to start decorating my classroom.”

  “I bet.” Her face is content. “How was your vacation?”

  My grin broadens, remembering my lovin’-filled mini vacay over Spring Break. “It was amazing. Jed and I rented a little cottage on the ocean down on Cape Cod.”

  “It sounds like a magnificent time.”

  She smiles, and my smile gets even bigger.

  If she only knew just how magnificent…

  “Have you made any progress toward forgiveness?” she asks.

  My mood shifts drastically with the subject change. I sigh heavily. “I’m trying, but it’s hard. It feels wrong to forgive them.”

  “I know, Anna. It can be a very difficult part of the process.”

  I nod.

  “You’re not excusing their actions, and it does not in any way take away from the wrong that you went through. When you give forgiveness, it heals you, so you are able to move forward.”

  I blow a breath through my lips. “I know, I know. It’s just easier said than done.”

  She bobs her head up and down. “Have you tried imagery?”

  I choke on laughter, remembering my absurd box-burning thoughts. “Yeah.”

  She raises an eyebrow in question, so I explain my mental process that includes putting my pain and memories into a box and burning them. While I express my ridiculous imagination, her eyebrows remain skyward, and she nods thoughtfully. When I finish my explanation, her head bobs up and down faster.

  “That’s precisely what I am talking about, but I want you to think about what you were doing with the box.”

  My nose scrunches up. “You mean burning it?”

  “Yes. What does fire represent?”

  My eyes drift upward while I contemplate what fire means emotionally. “Thinking about it, I guess it means hate or rage.”

  “Exactly. You can’t move forward if you are putting your pain and emotion into a fire of hatred and anger.”

  I nod in understanding. That makes sense.

  “What would be another imagery you could use?”

  “Hmmm,” I muse, chewing on my bottom lip in thought. “What if I put the box on a raft and let it drift out to sea?”

  She puckers her lips and nods, thinking about what I said. “I want you to take something out of the box first though.”

  When my brow shoots up in confusion, she continues, “I want you to take you out of the box first and tuck yourself into your heart.”

  “What?”

  “The experiences we encounter, both good and bad, shape and mold us into the people we are. Living, really living, is a blessing. You would not be the person you are, you would not have the people in your life, if it wasn’t for both the positive and negative events in your life. So, before you place that box of pain and sorrow onto that raft to let it drift away, I want you to reach in and grab you—the wonderful, beautiful you—and embrace yourself. Put you into your heart and love yourself with all you have.”

  April 24th

  Let go and embrace me, huh? I’m nodding in thought right now. I tried that silly imagery thing, and it does help. I can feel myself beginning to let go, starting to take each rock off my back before placing it onto that raft. I keep laughing though because it’s so damn insane when I think about it. I’ll do it though. It’ll take time, but I’ll do it. I’ll take each rock off until all I have left is me, and I’ll watch as the rocks drift away into the open sea, letting them go for good.

  A month after our Cape Cod trip, I place my hand on my girlfriend’s back as we walk into the same restaurant we entered on our first date just over seven months ago. I’m praying that by the end of the night, she won’t be my girlfriend anymore. She’ll be my fiancée. I’ve watched this wonderful woman bloom over the last few months, and I love her strength, her drive, and her inner beauty. I’m so fucking proud of her. She’s accomplished so much.

  She graduated yesterday, she landed her dream job as a kindergarten teacher, and she has almost completely healed herself emotionally. I know she’ll always have those scars inside her. They are a part of who she is—a fighter, a survivor—but the wounds are no longer bleeding. When we talk, she tells me that she’s still working on forgiving those monsters. I understand the logic, but I can’t say I blame her for having trouble with forgiving. I couldn’t forgive those fucktards either, and if I ever run into them, I’d probably kill them. Even though I’ve come a long way in controlling my fuse, I doubt anything would be able to stop me from ending them.

  Shifting my thoughts to happier ones, I think about what I’m about to do. I knew early on that she was the one for me, the one to start a life with, the one to call my wife, but I wanted to wait until the time was right to pop the question. I figured now that she’s done with school, now is as good a time as any. I just hope I don’t fuck this up. Don’t girls dream about this their whole lives?

  I’m not going to do anything crazy, but the plan is to have the waiter bring dessert with the words, Will you marry me?, written in chocolate on the plate. I called the restaurant a couple of days ago to find out if they could do that.

  The owner’s wife just said, “Of course we can, hon. That
’s so sweet!”

  So, maybe it’ll work. I have no idea what I’m going to say, but after they bring out the plate, I’ll get down on one knee and wing it. Of course, now that I think about it, winging it doesn’t really work out for me. Crap, I should have written a speech or—

  “You okay?” Anna asks, bringing me out of my panic, as I open the door for her.

  “Yeah. Why?” I ask, trying to keep my cool.

  “I don’t know. You seem quiet tonight,” she points out, shrugging.

  Crap, I’m nervous as shit. That doesn’t even make sense. How can you be nervous as shit? Shit is an inanimate object…unless, of course, you count the bacteria, but they don’t have feelings—

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say quickly. I need to get my head in the game.

  “Okay,” she drawls out the word, raising an eyebrow, as we make our way to the hostess. “Hey, do you mind if we sit at the bar?”

  I want to growl at her because I had planned on a nice little cozy booth for this, and she’s messing up my plans. But the look on her face is too cute, so I plaster on a fake smile.

  “Sure.”

  I’ll just have to go and talk to the owner really quick, so I can tell her that we’re going to be at the bar instead. This doesn’t fuck with the plan too much, but I don’t know how romantic a proposal in the bar would be. Maybe I can do it later? First things first, I need to find this lady and talk to her. She might have some advice.

  Anna and I walk toward the bar, and she takes off her spring coat to reveal her sexy little outfit. A flowy, short black skirt hugs her just right, and a blue top shows off her fantastic cleavage without revealing too much. My favorite piece of her attire is her knee-high black boots. I want her to keep them on when I make love to her for the first time as my future wife. I take off my own coat and set it on the back of the stool.