He found the small bedroom and bathroom and looked with longing at the bed. As exhausted as he was, he decided a shower took higher priority. The bag he’d packed when he’d left his own apartment last night was sitting on the tidily made bed. He’d forgotten about it, but now he was glad to see it. He dug through the bag and fished out clean clothes. He was happy to see that the bathroom was stocked with new toiletries.
He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and was startled by the man looking back at him. His shirt was bloody and ripped. His face and neck were grimy from the dust of several explosions, not to mention a gunfight. The most shocking thing by far was the dark blood that covered his clothes from helping to carry Jon out of the motel. He shook his head to clear away the image of Jon, pale and nearly lifeless, bleeding to death. Turning away from the mirror, he quickly stripped off the filthy garments and turned the shower to a temperature as hot as he could stand. He stood under the steaming spray for a full five minutes without moving before he finally used the soap to wash away the dirt and blood from his body. He wished he could wash away the memories as easily, but he knew that was impossible. He could never go back to who he was before. He would always know how it felt to take a life and he hated the knowledge.
The shower made Declan feel more human and he’d never been more grateful for a clean t–shirt in his life. Once he was dressed, he made his way to the small kitchen, his stomach growling. Opening the refrigerator, he saw that it contained everything he needed to make a sandwich. There was a loaf of bread on the counter next to a microwave. He quickly piled meat and cheese onto the bread and inhaled one sandwich, followed by another. He washed it all down with a glass of water from the faucet. He thought about sleep. He had no idea what time it was, but he felt like he hadn’t slept for a week rather than a single night.
Thoughts of sleep brought thoughts of nightmares and Declan had no idea what he might be in store for after today. He decided he wasn’t quite ready to find out. He thought of Jon and Rylee stuck in Medical and made a quick decision. He put on his shoes, grabbed his keycard and headed for the elevator and sublevel 4.
When he reached Medical, Declan saw Rylee and Jon in the same place he’d left them earlier. Jon appeared to be sleeping and Rylee looked as though she would fall over at any moment with exhaustion. “Hey,” she whispered with a smile when she noticed Declan approaching. He answered her smile and tipped his head in Jon’s direction.
“How is he?” he asked in a low voice.
Rylee looked back at Jon and her smile grew wider. “He’s going to be fine,” she said. “Thanks to you. And Sawyer and Rafe.” Declan shook his head.
“He saved my life. All I did was get us a car,” he told her. Uncomfortable with her scrutiny, he changed the subject. “You should go get cleaned up,” he said. “Eat something.”
Rylee shook her head at his words. “I don’t want to leave him alone,” she said.
Declan walked over to stand beside her chair. “I’ll stay with Jon. He won’t be alone,” he said. “You need to eat. You’re no good to him if you pass out from hunger.” He said the last with a smile before adding, “I’ll stay until you get back. I promise.”
He could see she was wavering. She looked from Declan’s face to Jon’s sleeping form and back. “I’ll be back in half an hour,” she said. “Come get me if anything changes,” she told him. Declan assured her that he would. Rylee leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jon’s forehead.
“Thirty minutes,” Rylee said to him as she moved away from the bed. Declan nodded his agreement but he hoped she’d take her time and get a little rest. As she passed him, Rylee gave his shoulder a little squeeze of affection. Declan smiled at her, unsure how to respond to her motherly gesture. He took the seat she’d vacated and prepared himself to endure a silent vigil. After the door closed behind Rylee, the unexpected sound of Jon’s voice caused him to jump a little.
“I thought she was going to watch me sleep all night,” Jon said, moving to sit up in the bed. Declan gave him an incredulous look. “What?” Jon asked. “She was hovering. I had to fake sleep or she might have starved to death.” Declan couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I'd kill for a cheeseburger and a beer,” Jon said in a desperate voice.
“I’m not sure they have that here, but I’ll see what I can do,” Declan said, chuckling.
Jon smiled, “Being resurrected works up an appetite.”
Declan’s gaze turned serious and he said, “Why?” When Jon turned to him with a questioning look, he clarified. “Why did you risk your life for me?”
Jon’s expression grew even more confused. “What do you mean?”
Declan sighed. “Using your ability when you were already injured sapped what little strength you had left. Why would you risk dying to save a guy you barely know?”
Jon turned to face Declan fully. “Listen,” he began, his voice more serious than before. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I’d like to think we’ve grown to be friends. I don’t let my friends get stabbed if I can help it.” He leaned back against the bed, studying the blanket covering him. “That’s the simple answer.” Declan remained silent, waiting for him to go on. “When you have kids, all you really want is to see them happy and safe. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for Bree. I see her with you, and I know you make her happy. And I’ve seen you do whatever it takes to keep her safe. I didn’t do it just for you. I did it for her, too. I see the way she looks at you. She needs you.”
Declan was shocked and touched at Jon’s words. The idea of someone needing him was scary, but he couldn’t deny that he felt the same way about Bree. Whatever had pushed the two of them together was still pushing. He didn’t know what was going to happen next, but he knew that whatever it was, they’d face it together. Jon seemed to notice Declan’s troubled expression and reached over to pat his shoulder.
“I can see that you care for her,” Jon said. “I don’t know what’s holding you back, but you’re a good man, Declan. That’s enough for me.”
Declan was quiet for a moment, thinking over Jon’s words. He remembered Rylee saying something similar several weeks earlier. He thought of all the reasons he shouldn’t be with Bree but they all seemed trivial. In the end, it always came back to her lying on the dusty floor of an abandoned hotel, gasping, struggling to tell him she loved him before she died. Because of him. Declan couldn’t be responsible for that. He wouldn’t. If that meant he had to keep his distance from Bree, so be it. It might be painful for both of them, but it was minimal compared to the pain he would face if he lost her. “Thank you, Jon,” he finally said. “For saving me today. For... everything.”
Jon gave Declan a knowing look and said, “Anytime.”
The two of them spent the next little while talking about a variety of subjects, so long as they were unimportant. Rylee, true to her word, returned 32 minutes after she’d left, her dark hair still damp. She was carrying sandwiches and bottled water. She tried to hide her worried look with a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes.
“You should be resting,” she told Jon as she moved close to his bed. Jon gave Declan a long–suffering look and rolled his eyes.
“If I have to stay in this bed any longer, I’m likely to go crazy, Ry,” he said. “Is that food? I’m starving!”
Declan chuckled as he stood to leave. “I’ll leave you in good hands,” he told him, with a pat on his shoulder. Rylee set the food and water on the table and put a hand out to stop Declan.
“Wait,” she said. Declan stopped, turning to her, brows raised in question. Rylee shocked him when she pulled him to her in a motherly hug. After a moment, Declan returned her hug. “I’m glad you’re safe,” she said. “And thank you. You saved us today. I won’t forget it.” She smiled up at him as she pulled away and gave him a pat on the cheek.
Declan could feel warmth creep up his neck and onto his face. He didn’t know what to say. He gave her a small nod. “Don’t mention it,” he s
aid quietly. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said as he turned to walk away.
When Declan was gone, Rylee busied herself arranging the two sandwiches on the little rolling bedside table. She wouldn’t meet Jon’s gaze and he realized that she’d been acting strangely ever since he woke up in the SUV. “Ry,” he said.
“Hmm?” she said, without meeting his gaze. Instead she began to smooth the blankets at the foot of the bed.
He tried again. “Rylee,” he said in a stronger tone. “Look at me.” Her hands stilled but she didn’t turn to face him. “Talk to me,” he said. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was the last thing he’d expected her to say and he didn’t know why she was apologizing.
“For what?” he asked, his tone careful.
“Everything,” she said as a tear slipped down her cheek. Rylee was crying for the second time in a day. Jon was stunned and he felt something clench inside him. As always, he couldn’t stand the idea of Rylee hurting. Her next words stunned him, however.
“I’m sorry I trapped you for all these years. You deserved so much more than me. I didn’t even think about what it meant to you. It was selfish. I was lonely and I was scared. So, I kept you to myself when I should have let you go a long time ago.” Her words were coming fast and it took Jon a moment to understand what she was saying. When he did, he was suddenly angry.
“Rylee, don’t,” he said, his voice stronger than before. “Don’t you dare. We talked about this already and I thought you knew where I stood.” He sat up straight in the bed and looked directly at her.
She looked down, unable to meet his gaze. “Bree told me not to let fear stop me from living my life.”
“We raised a smart kid,” Jon replied.
Rylee nodded, a small smile touching her lips. “I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize it.” Jon’s brow drew down in confusion. “I wasted so much time,” she continued, still looking down at her hands. “Losing Jacobi nearly killed me. I couldn’t face that again. I thought I could shut myself off and I’d be safe. I was wrong.” Her voice was nearly a whisper. She finally looked up to meet his gaze. Her brown eyes glittering with unshed tears.
“I watched you stop breathing. Your heart stopped. I felt it. You died in my arms and all I could think was ‘Why didn’t I tell him? Why did I wait so long?’” A tear spilled over and rolled down her cheek. He tried to understand what she was saying, but he thought maybe his brain was still a little rattled. She didn’t speak for a moment and Jon let her have the time she needed. She finally moved to sit beside him on the edge of the bed.
“Jon,” she said, her voice was nearly a whisper but he could hear her clearly. “I’ve known you for so long.” She smiled and looked in his eyes briefly before looking down again, her brow furrowed. “I knew when we left how easy it would be. I fought so hard to block any feelings I had for you. Since we were kids. After Jacobi died, I felt so guilty. I hated myself because of my feelings for you. Like somehow, he died because I had a crush on you when I was 12.” She gave a choked laugh and swiped at her cheek with one hand. “Because I didn’t love him enough. It’s stupid, I know. But I knew when we left that I could love you so easily if I let myself. So, I didn’t let myself.”
“What are you saying, Rylee?” he asked her.
“This morning,” she began. “When that door exploded and I saw you lying there…” she broke off and took a moment to compose herself. “All I could think was how stupid I’ve been for so long. How I wasted so much time not being with you. Not loving you the way you deserve. The way I wanted to. I can’t believe it took nearly losing you to make me realize how much I love you. I’m so sorry, Jon.” Her head came to rest on his shoulder again and her shoulders shook with sobs.
Jon was shocked. He’d imagined this moment so many times over the years but he’d never really believed it would happen. Of course, in his imaginings Rylee hadn’t been crying when she told him she loved him. “Stop crying, please,” he said as he reached up to touch her hair.
Rylee raised her head to meet Jon’s gaze. “I love you,” she said, her voice strong for the first time. “I do. Can you forgive me?”
Jon felt his heart constrict and a smile stretch across his face. He brought his hand to her cheek and wiped away a tear. “Only if you tell me you love me again,” he said. Rylee gave a watery laugh.
“I’ll tell you every day for the rest of my life,” she said as she leaned over. Just before she touched her lips to his, she whispered, “I love you, Jon.” It was the kiss he’d waited his entire life for and he wished he weren’t in a hospital bed with several IVs coming from his arms. Even so, he tried to pour all the love he’d always felt for her into the kiss. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly to him, thinking of how close he’d come to never holding her.
“I’ve always loved you, Rylee,” he whispered into her hair. “I promise you I’ll never stop.”
Chapter 7
After an hour of trying and failing to fall asleep, Sawyer finally gave up. She'd expected to feel relieved and more at ease being back in her own room with her own things, but the opposite was true. After so much time away, everything felt foreign and ill–fitting. So much had changed and she didn’t know how she was supposed to go back to the way things used to be. She sat up, throwing the blankets off her. Moving to sit on the edge of the bed, she shoved her hair off her face and took a deep breath.
She ignored the pull in her ribs when she breathed and used the heels of her hands to rub her eyes. She couldn't turn off her racing thoughts. What had happened to Corbin after she left the compound so many months ago? Her mind flashed back to the last time she'd seen him. Lying in that bed in Medical, pale, unconscious, with so many tubes and wires coming from his nearly lifeless body.
The medics couldn't tell her when or if he'd ever wake from the coma he'd been in since she'd dragged him back to the compound several days before. Rowan had done his best to remain optimistic. Corbin would pull through. He would wake up any minute now and laugh at the fuss they were making over him. Sawyer wanted so much to believe that but the longer he remained unconscious, the less believable the idea became.
Sitting in a chair beside his bed in Medical, she stared at his closed eyes, silently willing him to open them. She reached over and took his hand in hers, squeezing his fingers, praying for any movement but feeling none. “Corbin,” she said leaning closer to him. “I need you to wake up now, okay?” she barely recognized the desperate sound of her own voice. She felt a tear slip down her cheek and closed her eyes. Laying her head on the pillow beside Corbin’s head, she sniffed before she spoke again.
“Rowan’s a mess without you. He keeps following me around, asking me when you're coming back. I really don't know how I'm going to put up with him by myself. He's like a lost puppy. He needs you.” More tears slipped out and puddled on the pillow under her head. She sniffed again and squeezed her eyes shut, fighting against the sobs that threatened. She wanted to scream at him to open his eyes, but she knew it wouldn’t help. Her heart was breaking in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe. “Please, Corbin,” she whispered. “I need you.” She'd lost too much. She couldn't lose him too.
She woke up a short time later to the feel of a hand on her shoulder. “Sawyer,” a voice said. “Wake up.” Alarmed, she sat up, her eyes shooting to Corbin’s face, hoping to see him awake. Her heart sank when she saw there was no change in him. Schooling her features to a neutral mask, she turned to see Rowan standing behind her.
He gave her a smile that didn't reach his eyes. “Hey. Conrad called a meeting and he wants us both there.” She gave him a weary look and didn’t even try to return the smile. She nodded before turning back to face Corbin. There was a shadow of a beard beginning to grow on his jaw and the dark hair stood in stark contrast to the paleness of his face. The dark crescents of his eyelashes lay unmoving. She sat for a moment longer, watching the slow rise and fall
of his chest, willing him to open his eyes. PLEASE! The word repeated itself in her brain over and over until it became noise. Even as she prayed and begged, Sawyer had the feeling that she was already too late. It felt like he was already gone. She stood and looked at him a moment longer, memorizing his features. She kissed his forehead and whispered, “Goodbye, Corbin,” before walking away. She felt her heart breaking a little more with each step.
In her heart, she believed that Corbin was gone. She thought she had lost him for good. She couldn’t stay there and watch him waste away to nothing. When Conrad discussed plans to find the Warrens and Declan, Sawyer volunteered. She needed out. If she stayed, she’d spend every moment with what was left of Corbin, watching him slowly die and praying to a God she didn’t even believe in that he would wake. She couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t. She left the compound a few days later and stayed gone for nearly five months.
She stayed off the grid as much as possible, only checking in once a week by text to assure Conrad that she was alive. She didn’t talk to Rowan or Gwynn. She couldn’t face them telling her that Corbin was gone. If she didn’t hear the words, it wasn’t real. But deep down, she believed she’d already said goodbye to her best friend, her partner.
Now, standing in her quarters, knowing he was alive, Sawyer shook her head and tried to shove away the memories of that time. Locking away painful memories had become one of her best skills over the past year. While she’d been away, it was easier to push aside those memories. It felt more difficult now that she was home, however.
She stood and walked to the switch on the wall, flipping it up to bathe the small bedroom in warm yellow light. She studied the room that had been hers for the past 5 years. It didn’t feel like home anymore. It was filled with her belongings, her clothes and photos, all the memories from her life, but she felt so out of place here. She let her eyes roam over the room, feeling like the walls were closing in on her. She felt the need to get out clawing at her from the inside and she suddenly couldn’t stand to look at the room with all its reminders of a life that she no longer had. She pulled a jacket on over her tank top and zipped it. She slid her feet into her boots, leaving them untied. Then she quickly left her quarters with no destination in mind.
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