A Cowgirl's Heart

by Edith MacKenzie

  “Did you ever want to be a real family?” she asked brokenly.

  For a frozen second, no one moved. Tucker’s eyes flickered wildly to Deb before false bravado took hold and he sneered in disgust. “Did you ever believe I would want to be with a nutcase like you? I mean, look at you.”

  Mitch shook him angrily. “You don’t talk to her like that!” Tucker fell silent.

  “Is what Megan said true?” she asked softly. “Was it only because you wanted money?”

  “You were nothing but a shag—and a lousy one at that—and then you had to go and get knocked up. No way was I going to have anything to do with that mess, but that was when I thought you only worked here, not owned part of it.”

  Deb’s skin crawled at the smug smile he sent her way. “The jokes on you. I might be part owner, but we aren’t making any money yet. We’re still in the setup phase.”

  “This ranch must be worth a pretty penny,” he suggested, casting his eye about.

  Deb laughed hollowly. “I don’t have a brass razoo. This ranch belongs to Gabi’s father and we rent the space off him. All legit-like. Probably so maggoty scum like you don’t get your hands on it. I think it’s time for you to leave now.”

  “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. I’ll get my money one way or anoth—” His last word was cut short by Mitch thumping him in the mouth with a resounding right hook. Bleeding, he stumbled from the room with Mitch hot on his heels.

  Deb remained broken among the fragments. Megan settled beside her and gently took Grace, placing an arm around her. “He never wanted us.”

  Megan looked sadly at her. “No.” Deb let her friend hold her as she sobbed out her pain. In Megan’s arms, Grace smiled at her mother, the only bright light in the otherwise dark room.

  “Is she okay?” Mitch asked, concern threading his voice.

  “She’s watching over Grace while she sleeps. If you want, I think it would be okay for you to go in,” Megan suggested.

  Mitch softly padded across the room to the nursery. As he entered, a gentle glow illuminated Deb’s features, making them appear almost angelic as she kept vigil over her daughter, now in a portacot after the demolition of the cradle.

  “I’m sorry about the cradle. I’m sure Tucker didn’t know what he was doing,” she said quietly.

  Mitch bit down hard on the sharp flare of anger that rocketed through his body at her words. “I’m dead certain he knew exactly what he was doing. What I can’t figure out is why you’re bloody defending him, especially after tonight.” Mitch was devastated as Deb raised shame-filled eyes to meet his. A need stronger than anything he had ever experienced surged through him. This wasn’t right. This was his family. He needed to protect them.

  “I just feel mixed up inside. Some days, I don’t even feel like myself. It’s like I’m watching someone else live my life. I know that doesn’t make sense,” she admitted sadly. “I feel like I’m slowly going crazy. Tucker says I’m mental.”

  “Tucker’s a jerk. Maybe there is something wrong, but I would listen to someone that bloody knows what they’re talking about. Have you talked to a doctor about this?”

  “I’m scared they’ll tell me I actually am crazy,” she said, her head still bowed. Shame and fear laced her words.

  “All I know is you deserve more than this. The thoughts in your head, Tucker treating you like this. You’re worth more. Actually, you’re worth everything.” He yearned to reach out and touch her, to somehow physically show her.

  Deb gave a hollow little laugh. “Right now, I don’t feel like I’m worth anything. I’m so broken.”

  Unable to hold himself back, Mitch wrapped his arms around Deb, holding her close in an attempt to take away some of her pain. “If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your baby girl.” A raw intensity flowed out of him with his words.

  “That’s not fair. You know I’d do anything for her,” she protested, some vigor surprising them both with its sudden appearance.

  Mitch smiled. “That’s my girl. If you don’t feel strong enough right now, how about we do it together? Just until you’re back to your formidable self again.”

  Deb gave him a tired look. “I’d like that.” She snuggled into his arms a little more. “I’d like that a bloody lot.”

  Chapter 14

  Deb nestled on the couch, blanket pulled around her, feeling marvelously spoiled. Mitch lay on the floor playing with Grace as she tried to roll from her tummy to her back. The cozy domestic scene was one that felt surprisingly right. The last week had been one of hard soul searching. In a way, it had been a relief to hear the doctor say that she wasn’t crazy, but in fact had postnatal depression. Deb had been embarrassed by the prescription of medication and weekly psychologist visits, but Mitch had been quick to reassure her that no one would think less of her.

  Just thinking about her friends was enough to make Deb feel deeply ashamed of the way she’d treated them. She still hadn’t been able to pick up the phone and call Frankie to apologize. She wasn’t even sure her friend would answer the phone. And honestly, she didn’t blame her. Megan had offered to talk to Frankie and clear it all up, but Deb felt she owed it to them both to cowgirl up and do it herself. But therein lies the dilemma. She hadn’t yet found the courage to actually do it.

  A gentle knock on the door startled her from her somber reflections in her blanket cocoon. As if her thoughts had come to life, Frankie awkwardly stood on the threshold, uncertainly holding a packet of Tim Tams. She nervously cleared her throat.

  “Um, is it okay if I come in?”

  Deb sat paralyzed, dreading the confrontation she was sure was about to come. Mitch scooped Grace up in his arms and gave Frankie a welcoming hug. Her daughter giggled as Frankie blew a raspberry on her cheek.

  “Hello, Gracie. You’ve grown.” She winced as long strands of hair were caught in chubby baby hands. Apprehensively, she looked over at Deb as she untangled herself from the strong grip. “Hello, Deb.”

  Mitch looked between the women. “Well, I’m going to take this little tacker to visit the Cabrera’s. Sra Ana mentioned something about cake.” Deb couldn’t believe it! He was actually going to desert her in her hour of need. “Play nice, girls.” The awkward silence stretched out uncomfortably as he closed the door on his retreating back.

  The plastic wrapper of the Tim Tam packet crinkled as Frankie nervously gripped it. She thrust them toward Deb. “I got you these.”

  Deb put her hands up to take the packet, worried that if she didn’t, Frankie was liable to take out an eye. “Thanks.”

  Frankie plonked down beside her friend in frustrated defeat, trapping Deb by sitting on the blanket. “This is stupid.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry,” Frankie said.

  Deb couldn’t believe her ears. Why on earth would Frankie be sorry? It was her who had stuffed everything up. “Frankie, I’m the one that treated you like crap.”

  “No, Deb. You were hurting. I just couldn’t see it at the time. I should have been here for you.”

  Tears welled up as Deb fought her shame. How could she deserve a friend like this? “I don’t know if I would have let you anyway. You had a lot going on, too.”

  “Yeah, but none of it was more important to me than you. If you had needed me, if I had known you needed me, I would have dropped everything and come home.” She earnestly took her friend’s hand. “I know I’m a bit late to the party, but I’m here now. Do you want to talk about it?”

  Deb sorted through her emotions, the words still hard to come by even though the last week had brought her some clarity. A sadness darkened her face. “I used to think I was this strong, capable cowgirl. Now I can’t even remember who that girl was.” There was a brokenness to her words, a fragility that still threatened to crumple her soul into nothingness.

  Frankie gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Well I can tell you plenty of good yarns about what sort of girl she was. I remember this one time at a B&S Ball, she de
cided to put plastic snakes in all of the swags.”

  Deb chuckled. “Dang, that was funny. All those grown men screaming like bloody little girls.”

  “What do you need from me? To help get the Deb we all love back?”

  “I think maybe not let me get lost so much in myself. Not let me push you away. The medication helps—it kinda clears the fog. Talking about it, especially with the shrink, is hard but good, if that makes sense? Kinda like going for a wax. You dread going, it hurts like all heck, but afterwards, you like the results.”

  “I think I can do that.” Frankie said. “Now, these Tim Tams aren’t going to eat themselves. Do you want me to put the kettle on?”

  “Yes, but on one condition.”

  “Anything.”

  “Get your butt up, so I can free myself from this darn blanket.”

  The suds swirled over work-calloused hands, mesmerizing Deb as she watched Mitch wash up in the kitchen sink. “I can’t believe you actually volunteered to change a nappy.”

  “I’m a big tough bloke. I can handle a nappy change.”

  “Then what was with all of the retching and gagging noises I heard?” she challenged, mirth twitching at the corners of her mouth.

  “I said I could handle it. I didn’t say I could handle it quietly. For such a cute little thing, she sure can produce some stinky poo.” He reached for the towel and began drying his hands. He looked up at Deb, his expression serious as he gently touched her face. “It’s good to see you smile, even if it is at my expense.”

  The urge to nuzzle into the warmth of his hand surprised Deb. “It’s good to want to smile again.” Mitch stepped back, leaning his weight against the kitchen counter, the sudden loss of contact leaving her feeling bereft.

  “So, I take it you and Frankie are mates again?”

  “Yeah, I think we always were. I was just too blind to see there wasn’t anything I could do that would make her hate me. She’s a good friend, probably better than I deserve,” she admitted.

  “To your friends, you’re worth it.” He hesitated, as if questioning the timing of his next words. “To me, you’re worth it.”

  She smiled at him warmly. “I’m blessed to have you all as my friends. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you all these last few weeks.”

  “I said I would always be here for you and I meant every word.” As if frightened that he would lose his nerve, he rushed on. “I love you, Deb.”

  Deb’s eyes widened at his words. “I, ah, love you, too. You’re one of my best friends.”

  Mitch gave a long sigh, apparently coming to a decision, a determined glint in his eyes. “I’m just going to bloody well say this. I love you, and not just as a friend. I’ll wait for you to be ready if that’s what you need from me, but I want more. I dream of being lucky enough to have more with you.”

  She let out her breath, not even aware she had been holding it. A feeling, comforting in its warmth, filled her heart before it was chased away by regret. “I’m not in that place yet, to be more than friends. I need to put myself and my daughter first. In fact, a very smart fella once told me to do exactly that. And he was right, I need to get better and find me again before I can even think about having a relationship.”

  Mitch nodded. “I’m not going to give up on having an us one day. But I’ll take being friends. I just want to be part of your lives.”

  Gratitude filled Deb that she hadn’t driven him away. Now the disaster had been averted, she didn’t know what she would have done if she’d lost his friendship. Thankfully, she hadn’t had to find out.

  Chapter 15

  Like a flower blooming after a long hard winter, Deb finally began to live again. Gradually, she cried less and smiled more. Or, at least, that’s what it felt like as she strapped on the baby carrier. Grace chirruped happily, and Deb smiled as she kissed her head and wondered how long her little girl would still have the sweet smell of babyhood.

  “Well, look what the cat dragged in,” greeted Megan. “Do you even know which end of the pitchfork to hold anymore?”

  “Oh, so funny. Did you think of that all by yourself?” Deb retorted tartly before laughing loudly, joyous to be out in the sunshine again with the horses and her friends.

  “Yeah, Megan’s writing all of her own material these days,” Frankie said, joining them. “Hey, gorgeous girl,” she said as she tickled Grace’s cheek. “You gonna make sure Mommy does a good job?”

  “I can run rings around you guys, even on my worst days,” Deb said, grabbing a wheelbarrow and heading to the first stall.”

  “Hey, Deb?” Megan called.

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s good to have you back.”

  Deb breathed in deeply, pungent fragrances of horse manure, straw and shavings once again feeling familiar. Her world was right again. She was finally home. “It’s good to be back.”

  “Frankie, Megan, are you in here?” called Gabi, her voice echoing through the barn.

  Megan popped her head from the stall she was cleaning as Deb stepped onto the top of the stairs, baby monitor in hand.

  “Yeah, we even have Deb gracing us with her presence today. Frankie’s training in the arena if you’re chasing her as well,” Megan said.

  “That’s okay, she can meet my brother later.”

  “Sorry, I just had to put Grace down for a nap. But as long as I stay in the barn, I can get reception.” She looked at the stranger beside Gabi. “What did I miss?”

  “I was just about to introduce my brother, Carlos, to Megan and now you.” She smiled proudly up at her brother. “Carlos, these are my business partners and friends, Megan and Deb. I will introduce you to Frankie when she comes back in.”

  She looked curiously at the tall dark-haired man who ambled alongside Gabi. Even with the stone-colored Stetson and aviator sunglasses, the resemblance to Gabi was unmistakable.

  Megan stepped forward, wiping her dirty hands on the leg of her jeans. “Nice to meet the mysterious brother we hear so much about but never see.”

  Carlos took his sunglasses off. He had deep dark-brown eyes, almost verging on black, Deb noted, before he engulfed her hand in his much larger one. There was a pleasant firmness to his grip as he smiled at her in greeting.

  “I hope I have a chance to defend myself from anything they have said about me in my absence.”

  Gabi playfully smacked her brother on the shoulder. “We have said nothing but the truth. I can’t help if you were such a terrible big brother growing up. You and Joao were always running off and leaving me behind.”

  “I’d say it’s more like you running off and leaving Joao behind these days. Or maybe you like him chasing after you.” Carlos teased, a knowing look in his eye.

  Gabi blushed a brilliant shade of crimson. “That’s not true. He’s just a family friend. Anyway, he’s your best friend.”

  “What does that have to do with him chasing you?” he said, arching an eyebrow at her. “Would you like my blessing? ‘Cause if that’s all you’re waiting for, you’ve got it. He’s a great guy. I don’t know why he would put up with you.”

  Megan and Frankie both laughed. It was obvious from their teasing that they loved each other, but she wouldn’t expect anything less from the Cabrera’s. Gabi’s expression suddenly turned to pure business.

  “Megan, are you able to bring Delila in? This big lug here is going to scan her and see if we have a little Sampson baby growing in there.”

  “Sure thing.” Megan grabbed a halter and lead from the wall hook. “I can’t wait to have some foals start hitting the ground. Foaling season was always my favorite part of working at the stud back home.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way. Are you able to stay about and help my brother with anything he needs?”

  “I’m sure she will be more than happy to take care of any needs he might have.” Deb gave Megan a wink.

  Megan turned the exact shade of red Gabi had displayed only moments earlier. “Right, I’m goin
g to go get Delila then.” She spun on her heel and left Deb enjoying her attempt at wit. “And I said I missed the old Deb! What was I thinking?” she muttered mutinously.

  Deb looked around at her friends jubilantly celebrating the confirmation that Delila carried a very precious Sampson baby. “Gosh, imagine in a few years I could be competing on both father and offspring,” Frankie said in amazement to Gabi. “It’s hard to believe.”

  “You making your career first on Delila, then Sampson, and then on their offspring is marketing gold,” Gabi responded astutely, her business mind already ticking over with the possibilities.

  “I don’t care as long as I get to be there for the foaling,” Megan added. “Today reminded me how much I like working with the broodmares and foals.”

  “Not to mention cute vets,” Deb noted slyly.

  “That’s not true,” Megan argued. She looked apologetically at Gabi. “I mean, your brother is obviously not ugly. Deb’s twisting my words again. Frankie, make her stop!”

  “I’ll play nice,” Deb promised, chuckling. “But there’s something to what Megan was saying.”

  Megan’s brow wrinkled. “That you’re always twisting my words?”

  “No, well I mean, I do, but that wasn’t what I was getting at. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I see my future lately.”

  “She’s going to say she’s leaving us, isn’t she?” Gabi assumed. “You can’t leave.”

  “Why would you want to leave us?” Frankie wailed, dramatically slumping back against the cushions of the couch.

  “I’ll finally get some bloody peace and quiet,” Megan grumbled.

  Deb held her hand up for silence. “First of all, I’m not going anywhere. And second of all, you’d miss me, Megan,” she said, looking pointedly at her friend.