More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

  Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it—whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.

  Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.

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  January 11

  Letting Go of Guilt

  "There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

  It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.

  Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.

  Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

  We don't have to let others count on the fact that well always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt—earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from selfcare. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.

  Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.

  January 12

  Finding Balance

  The goal of recovery is balance—that precious middle ground.

  Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.

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  We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.

  We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.

  We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

  We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.

  The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.

  Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys.

  Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.

  January 13

  Good Feelings

  When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trio—pain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realm—

  happiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, excitement.

  It's okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.

  We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, lessjoyous terrain.

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  It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify. We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.

  We can let ourselves feel good.

  Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.

  January 14

  Accepting Anger

  Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It's one of our emotions. And we're going to feel it when it comes our way—or else repress it.

  —Codependent No More

  If I was working a good program, I wouldn't get angry. . . . If I was a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry. . . . If I was really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry. . . . Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.

  In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.

  Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.

  Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.

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  January 15

  Standing Up for Ourselves

  We learn some behaviors have selfdefeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices.

  —Beyond Codependency

  It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.

  "You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."

  Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?

  There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves—when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.

  Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights.

  Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do.

  Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.

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  January 16

  Prayer

  As a matter of fact, prayer is the only real action in the full sense of the word, because prayer is the only thing that changes one's character. A change in character, or a change in soul, is a real change.

  —Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount

  Erica Jong has said that we are spiritual beings who are human. Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of Twelve Step recovery programs: AlAnon, CoDa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and others.

  Prayer and meditation are not necessarily connected to organized religion. Prayer and meditation are ways to improve our personal relationship with a Higher Power to benefit ourselves, our life, and our growth. Praying is how we connect with God. We don't pray because we have to; we pray because we want to. It is how we link our soul to our Source.

  We're learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our physical needs. We're learning to change our behaviors. But we're also learning to take care of our spirit, our soul, because that is where all true change begins.

  Each time we talk to God, we are transformed. Each time we connect with our Higher Power, we are heard, touched, and changed for the best.

 
Today, I will practice prayer and meditation. Whether I feel desperate, uneasy, or peaceful, I will make the effort to connect with my Higher Power, at least for a moment today.

  January 17

  Acting As If

  The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a Page 17

  positive form of pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It's a tool we make a conscious decision to use.

  Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.

  When a problem plagues us, acting as if can help us get unstuck. We act as if the problem will be or already is solved, so we can go on with our life.

  Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.

  There are many areas where acting as if—combined with our other recovery principles—will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.

  We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.

  Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low selfesteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.

  Acting as if helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.

  God, show me the areas where acting as if could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.

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  January 18

  Gratitude

  Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.

  Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.

  One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude. We learn to say, thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway.

  Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

  Today, I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.

  January 19

  Owning Our Power

  There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.

  How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.

  Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.

  In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take

  care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.

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  Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves—and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process, or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief, such as, Other people make me feel. . . . Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny. . . . or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place. . . .

  Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.

  Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.

  We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us, but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.

  We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part—not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.

  We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.

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  Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized. I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.

  January 20

  New Beginnings

  Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

  Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries!

  We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.

  Then we put the incident to rest.

  Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God to take our resentments from us helps too.

  What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of the past, and entering this one free of resentments.

  Higher Power, help me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentments that are hidden within me, and blocking me, to the surface. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, and then help me do that.

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  January 21

  Wants and Needs

  Part of taking responsibility for ourselves means taking responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay to do.

  Learning to tunein to ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves, is an art. It takes practice. We can use our ability to guess what others want and need, and apply that skill to ourselves.

  What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us? Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?

  If we ask, then listen closely; well hear the answer.

  We are wiser than we think, and we can be trusted.

  What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.

  We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient with ourselves while we're learning Today, I will pay attention to what I want and need. I will not discount myself.

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sp; January 22

  Appreciating Our Past

  It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

  The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.

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  Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too.

  Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.

  Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

  Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.

  January 23

  New Energy Coming

  Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful.

  —Beyond Codependency

  There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.

  There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.

  The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.

  Do not limit the future by the past!

  Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?

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  Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.