More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations
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"wrong." I can let myself be who I am.
February 19
Our Path
I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She
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pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed.
—Anonymous
The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps does not depend on any religious belief. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect.
They are not, as the traditions of Twelve Step programs state, affiliated with any religious denomination or organization.
We do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or lessthan because we do not subscribe to their beliefs about religion.
We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual experience we will find as a result of recovery and the Twelve Steps will be our own spiritual experience. It will be a relationship with God, a Higher Power as we understand God.
Each of us must find our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God as we understand God. Each of us needs a Power greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how to do that.
Higher Power, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious beliefs. If they confuse that with the spirituality available in recovery, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with Divine Wisdom, as I grow spiritually.
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February 20
Setting Our Own Course
We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.
During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.
We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.
We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.
We can own our power with people.
Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.
Today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.
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February 21
Living in the Present
The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here.
Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within.
February 22
Solving Problems
I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor.
—Alcoholics Anonymous
Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life—our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
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In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and well grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, well have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems—working through problems with help from a Higher Power—means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problemsolver.
February 23
Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back selfdoubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
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Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."
February 24
Recognizing Feelings
Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?"
Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective t
hird person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
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Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don't have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself.
February 25
Accepting Imperfection
"Why do I do this to myself?" asked a woman who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect—whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our Page 54
mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
February 26
Twelve Step Programs
I was furious when I found myself at my first AlAnon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in the world to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for AlAnon and my codependency recovery. AlAnon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a life.
—Anonymous
There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: AlAnon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDa, Families Anonymous, NarAnon, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.
Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.
There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing.
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How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we ''get the program.'' We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going—and growing.
Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.
I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.
February 27
PeoplePleasers
Have you ever been around peoplepleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxietyproducing.
Peoplepleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated selftrust.
Peoplepleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mileaminute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, peoplepleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around
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are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
February 28
Letting Go of Denial
We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
—Ovid
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.
People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right.
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so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality—on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awarenesses on my own time schedule.
February 29
You Are Lovable
We go back . . . and back . . . and back . . . through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.
—Beyond Codependency
You are lovable. Yes, you.
Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.
You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.
You are lovable.
You are loved.
Today, I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe
it.
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March
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March 1
Letting Go of Anger
In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. Yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger. Yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe. . . .
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.
March 2
Feelings on the Job
I'm furious about my job. Another man got a promotion that I believe I deserve. I'm so mad I feel like quitting. Now my wife says I should deal with my feelings. What good will that do? He still got the promotion.
—Anonymous
Our feelings at work are as important as our feelings in any other area of our life. Feelings are feelings—and wherever Page 61
we incur them, dealing with them is what helps us move forward and grow.
Not acknowledging our feelings is what keeps us stuck and gives us stomachaches, headaches, and heartburn.
Yes, it can be a challenge to deal with feelings on the job. Sometimes, things can appear useless. One of our favorite tricks to avoid dealing with feelings is telling ourselves it's useless.
We want to give careful consideration to how we deal with our feelings on our job. It may be appropriate to take our intense feelings to someone not connected to our workplace and sort through them in a safe way.