More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

  We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it's there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what's good in life.

  God, let my hard times be healing times.

  September 16

  Revenge

  No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

  We want revenge.

  We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

  Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.

  We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings—the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release

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  the feelings, and be finished with them.

  We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

  Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

  Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness—not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

  Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness—forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.

  September 17

  New Relationship Behaviors

  We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without overreacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on selfresponsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.

  While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships"

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  These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships.

  The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools—healthy relationships skills—that help us improve the quality of all our relationships.

  Recovery means selfcare—learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves—with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become.

  And well never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.

  Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships—with friends and coworkers, as well as in any special love relationship. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.

  September 18

  Letting the Good Stuff Happen

  Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on my job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect!

  —Anonymous

  I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I'm afraid it won't be. Sometimes, I'm frightened it might be.

  The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be frightening. In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times.

  The past, particularly before recovery, may have become comfortably familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern—the same behaviors, the same pain, over and

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  over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen.

  This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering.

  We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived.

  Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometimes a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery.

  Then things changed. And the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory.

  Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates.

  We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma.

  Life gets good.

  "How do I handle the good stuff?" asked one woman. "It's harder and more foreign than the pain and tragedy."

  "The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences," I replied. "One day at a time."

  Today, God, help me let go of my need to be in pain and crisis. Help me move as swiftly as possible through sad feelings and problems. Help me find my base and balance in peace, joy, and gratitude. Help me work as hard at accepting what's good as I have worked in the past at accepting the painful and the difficult.

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  September 19

  Apologies

  Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gap. But we don't have to say "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are.

  We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, setting boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy.

  We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say: "I'm sorry for the fuss we had. I'm sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way."

  Once we make an apology, we don't have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person's issue, and we don't have to get hooked.

  We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they're not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it's time to say we're sorry and when it's not.

  Today, I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else's. God, help me figure out what I need to apologize for and what is not my responsibility.

  September 20

  Spontaneity

  In recovery, we're learning to let ourselves go! We're learning to be spontaneous.

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  Spontaneity may frighten some of us. We may be afraid of the loss of control involved with spontaneity. We may still be operating under the codependent rules that prohibit spontaneity: be good; be right; be perfect; be strong; don't have fun; and always be in control.

  We may associate spontaneity with acting out in an addictive, compulsive, selfdestructive, or irresponsible manner.

  That's not what we're talking about in recovery. Positive spontaneity involves freely
expressing who we are—in a way that is fun, healthy, doesn't hurt us, and doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

  We learn to be spontaneous and free as we grow in selfawareness and selfesteem. Spontaneity emerges as our confidence and trust in ourselves increase, and we become more secure in our ability to maintain healthy boundaries.

  Being spontaneous is connected to our ability to play and to achieve intimacy. For all those desirable acts, we need to be able to let go of our need to control ourselves and others, and fully and freely enter into the present moment.

  Let go of your tight rein on yourself. So what if you make a mistake? So what if you're wrong? Relish your imperfections. Let yourself be a little needy, a little vulnerable. Take a risk!

  We can be spontaneous without hurting ourselves, or others. In fact, everyone will benefit by our spontaneity.

  Today, I will throw out the rule book and enjoy being who I am. I will have some fun with the gift of life, myself, and others.

  September 21

  Letting Go of Urgency

  One thing at a time.

  That's all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace.

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  One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time.

  One pleasure at a time.

  Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time.

  See how everything works out?

  Today, I will peacefully approach one thing at a time. When in doubt, I will take first things first.

  September 22

  Trusting Ourselves

  Many of us believed that heeding the words of God or our Higher Power meant following rigid rules, an instruction booklet for life.

  Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words our Higher Power whispers.

  The words of God are often those still, small words we call intuition or instinct, leading and guiding us forward.

  We are free to be who we are, to listen to and trust ourselves. We are free to listen to the gentle, loving words of a Higher Power, words whispered to and through each of us.

  Today, help me, God, to let go of shamebased rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of loving, listening and trusting.

  September 23

  Tolerance

  Practice tolerance.

  Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.

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  Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, be vulnerable.

  Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress—a few steps forward, and a couple back.

  Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.

  Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.

  Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, well learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further. Learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.

  Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.

  September 24

  Allowing Ourselves to be Needy

  We can accept ourselves as people who have needs—the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, healthy touch. We need positive reinforcement, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and healthy. Getting our needs met—believing we deserve to have them met—makes us happy.

  There are times, too, when in addition to our regular needs, we become particularly needy. At these times, we need more than we have to give out. That is okay too.

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  We can accept and incorporate our needs, and our needy side, into the whole of us. We can take responsibility for our needs. That doesn't make us weak or deficient. It doesn't mean we are not properly recovering, nor does it mean we're being dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes our needs, and our needy side, manageable. Our needs stop controlling us, and we gain control.

  And, our needs begin to get met.

  Today, I will accept my needs and my needy side. I believe I deserve to get my needs met, and I will allow that to happen.

  September 25

  Peace with the Past

  Even God cannot change the past.

  —Agathon

  Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy—energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

  ''I used to live in my past,'' said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

  "I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me—even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

  "I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

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  "I've been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger.

  "I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful.

  "When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that my Higher Power was in control, even then.

  "I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.

  "I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.

  "What I've learned has been acceptance—without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."

  We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others. I know, because that woman is me.

  Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.

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  September 26

  Feeling Protected

  Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe.

  We do not want to dwell on the dangers, for that gives power to the negative. Neither do we want to ignore them or pretend they don't exist.

  If we were going to sunbathe, we would not be naive about the dangers from the sun. We know that harmful rays can burn
. We would take steps to protect ourselves, so that we could enjoy the benefits of the sun.

  That is our task in recovery.

  This is what a woman, a helping professional, told me:

  Picture a sunscreen surrounding you. Place it around yourself—not too heavy and thick so no light can penetrate, and not so thin that you are exposed to danger.

  See yourself protected by a sunscreen that is effective. Make certain that the screen is open to the good. For a while, your screen was too heavy. It held back what you wanted. Now change it to let the good come through.

  This is your screen for life and the world. See it. Imagine it surrounding you always. It wraps you in love, in comfort, in protection. No harm can enter. No negative energy can penetrate the screen.

  Go in peace; go in safety; go, now, knowing you are protected. Go anywhere you need to go. The evil has been blocked; the goodwill comes pouring forth. You do not have to work so hard at protecting yourself. You can relax and enjoy life, trusting that you are safe. Go without fear, for you are wrapped in love and protection.

  And you shall always be.

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  Today, I will envision myself wrapped in a shield that blocks the negative and harmful rays of the world, but it is constructed so that the good can enter.

  September 27

  Temporary Setbacks

  Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate.

  This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long.

  Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid.

  God, help me trust You and recovery, even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.

  September 28

  Prayer

  Here are some of my favorite prayers:

  Help. Please. Don't.

  Show me. Guide me. Change me.

  Are you there?

  Why'd you do that?

  Oh.