Love Love

by Beth Michele

  “Well, you are. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He gently presses his lips to mine and I melt against his mouth.

  We end up watching Bridesmaids and laughing until our stomachs ache, eating popcorn, all the while snuggling together on the couch. It feels good. When the movie’s over, I don’t want him to go. I look down at my hands and make my move.

  “What would you like to do now?”

  He bites his lip, something I’ve never seen him do before. “Gabby, I’m not…I just…” Taking a deep breath, he says, “Can I just stay and hold you?”

  I have no idea what that means. Does he want to hold me naked or with clothes on? Shit. My voice grows quiet. “Okay.” I have no idea what I just agreed to.

  We shut off the television and the lights and make our way to my bedroom. I’m shuffling my feet and I think I might throw up. Not a good idea, even though he’s already seen me do that. The nearness of him is making me crazy. Why am I so nervous? I head to the bathroom and change into a tank top and sweatpants. When I return, Brad has his t-shirt and jeans still on, but no socks. Is he going to take them off? I hope not, or I hope so; I don’t know which one. He pulls back the covers and motions for me to join him. Nestling my head on his chest, I inhale his intoxicating scent, and he rests his chin against my head. Being this close to him is harder than I thought. I want to wiggle nearer to him, but I don't. Instead, I lie very still, afraid he can hear my heart pounding into my chest; afraid he can read my thoughts. He has no idea what I'm hiding, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. If he only knew how much I want to let him into my heart, into my life, in between my legs. I can almost feel him tracing my curves with his slender fingers. It's driving me crazy. A frustrated rush of air leaves my mouth and lands on his muscular chest.

  I see the light of the moon peeking through the pale blue curtains, casting a shadow on Brad’s face. I’m not sure what suddenly comes over me, but I lift my leg and hook it over Brad’s waist, resting my crotch right on top of his apparent erection. He stirs and I grab courage from somewhere and climb on top of him, straddling his groin and feeling his hard-on between my thighs. I lick my lips, then lean forward and press them against his mouth.

  He makes a strange noise in his throat. “Gabby, what are you doing?”

  I press myself harder against him. “I think that’s pretty obvious,” I breathe against his lips.

  He props himself up on his elbows. “I can’t, Gabby. I can’t do this.” His words sting and I push myself off of him, stunned.

  “You don’t want me that way?” I ask with a voice full of hurt.

  He runs his hands through his shaggy hair, as he so often does. “My God, you have no idea how much I want to be with you, or how long I’ve wanted you. I’m so hard for you right now it’s driving me insane. I want nothing more than to bury myself inside you and sit in between your thighs all night long. But I want all of you. I want your body and your heart, and I won’t accept anything less. I want the whole of you, Gabby.” His hand finds my face in the darkness, and he holds me in place. The moonlight is shining in his eyes. “You’re not ready for me yet, as much as I wish like hell you were. But I’m patient. I’d wait forever to be the one who gets to hold your heart.” He kisses me like I haven’t been kissed in a long time, feeling his every word with his every breath. Breaking away, I go back to resting my head on his chest, and he kisses my hair and whispers, “goodnight.”

  I lay in Clark’s bed, naked, awaiting his return. I stare at the beautiful diamond on my finger. I’m going to be Mrs. Clark Thompson. A huge grin spreads across my face. This is the moment I’ve dreamed about for seven years. I can’t wait to tell the world. My parents won’t be happy about it, but I don’t care. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been.

  I must’ve dozed off, because in my sleepy state, I think I hear my cell phone ringing. I crack open my eyes and glance over at the clock, noticing two hours have gone by and Clark isn’t beside me. Where is he? I wish he’d hurry up. My cell phone continues to ring. I reach over to grab it from the table beside the bed. It’s probably Clark. “Hello?”

  A hysterical voice is on the other end. “Gabby…this is…Mmmrs. Tttthompson.”

  I bolt upright in bed. “What’s wrong?”

  “Gabby, whhhere are you?”

  “I’m at your house waiting for Clark. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me!”

  “Mr. Tthhompson is going to come over there right now…There’s been an accident… Gabby…sweetheart…it’s our Clark…”

  My whole body freezes. “What about Clark?”

  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry…there was a head-on...collision…he didn’t…make it.”

  I drop the cell phone to the ground and all I hear are my own screams.

  I’m moaning loudly and feel shaky. Sweat is gushing from my skin and tears are spiraling off my checks. Brad sits up quickly and flips on the light. “My God, Gabby, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

  I can’t speak and uncontrollable sobs are the only thing that make their way out of my body. Brad holds me in the safety of his arms for what seems like seconds, minutes, hours. I lose track. When I finally stop shivering, he sits back and lifts my chin to meet his gaze.

  “Gabby, talk to me. Please. What is it that’s got you so upset?”

  I take a couple of deep breaths, and with a shaky voice it all pours out from the overflowing river of my mind; I tell Brad about Clark. “Clark was…he was everything to me. My first…love. Back in those days, the person I thought would be my life. We dated all through…high school…and college. He asked me…asked me to…”

  “Shhh, baby, it’s okay.”

  But I have to do this, I can’t stop now. “He asked me to marry him…that night. He left me…and then he never came back…an accident…he died…” Pausing, I swipe the tears with my arm. “After that, everything went…black for me. I became numb. It’s been…well…over three years now and it’s been stuck inside of me. I haven’t been able to let it go.”

  Brad cloaks me with his arms. “I’m so sorry, Gabby. I’m sorry you lost Clark, and that you’ve lived with this pain buried inside for so long.” He holds me close and gently strokes my hair with his fingers. “It's okay, baby. There's no time limit on grief. Breathe it, feel it, let it seep into you. When you're ready, and only when you're ready, you’ll be able to let it go. And even then, it will stay with you, somewhere in a part of your soul. The part where you don't want to ever forget, because there's no forgetting love, especially a love like that.” He wipes a stray tear with his thumb before he continues. “I understand what you’re feeling, though. Grief can be overwhelming. I felt like that when my mom and sister died. There’s a part of me that didn’t want to go on living, not without them. I kept seeing their faces everywhere, feeling them, breathing them. I wanted them back so desperately. It took me a long time to come to terms with it.” Brad lays me back down and wraps his arms around me, letting my tears soak into his chest and fall onto his heart.

  ***

  My puffy eyes are disturbed by the bright sunlight trying to break in. I rub the sleep away and try to crack them open. When they come into focus, I see that Brad is gone. There’s a handwritten note on the table.

  Hi Baby,

  I had to open the shop early but didn’t want to wake you. Hope you managed to get some sleep. I slept well knowing you were in my arms. I’ll remember how beautiful you looked all day.

  Brad

  I’m exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again. Brad’s support and understanding lifted me. He made me feel safe, like the world couldn’t hurt me anymore.

  I sit up in bed, feeling the full weight of my emotional exhaustion. My head and body hurt and my eyes are sore from crying. It feels like I’ve got whiplash. All I want to do is go back to bed. It’s a work day, so no such luck. I drag myself out of bed to shower. As soon as I open my bedroom door, I see Fran standing in the hallway, smil
ing wickedly and tapping her fingernails against my doorframe, fresh from her shower. “So…I bumped into someone this morning when I woke up…a cute someone with a dimpled grin.”

  My lips turn up into a ginormous smile. “Oh, him?”

  “Don’t ‘oh him’ me, Gabby! Did you have sex?”

  “NO…we didn’t!”

  “So what were you guys doing in there then?”

  “Uh…sleeping. I called him after I found out about Dane’s fiancée.” I walk to the bathroom and Fran follows behind me. Grabbing a towel off the shelf, I pull my sweatpants off and slide my t-shirt over my head.

  “His WHAT?”

  Reaching through the shower curtain, I turn the water on then look back at Fran. “Yeah, he’s freaking engaged to be married, Fran.”

  “What a fucking asshole,” she growls, seriously annoyed.

  Hopping in the shower, I close the curtain and let the warm water wash over me. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Nothing. After I met her, I stormed out of the hotel. I actually feel sorry for her. She’s in for a future full of heartache and God knows what else.”

  “Honey, I’m so sorry.”

  I smile as I massage shampoo through my hair. “I’m not. I told Brad about Clark last night.”

  “How did he react?” She’s concerned and has every right to be. I’ve never told anyone about Clark.

  “He was compassionate and understanding. God, Fran, he was so amazing. He held me all night while I sobbed.”

  “I’m glad you finally told him, Gabby. You’ve been holding on to that for way too long. You needed to let it out so you can be rid of it once and for all, you know.”

  I sigh deeply. “I know.”

  Stepping out of the shower, I cover my body with a towel. Fran walks over and wraps her arms around me, my hair dripping on her shoulder. “Thank goodness. Now maybe you can start letting yourself be happy. Clark would want you to be happy. You know I love you so freaking much.”

  “I love you, too.”

  She pulls back and scans my face. “So getting back to this no sex thing…you really didn’t do it?”

  “No. He was a perfect gentleman.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  I stick my tongue out at her. “It’s different with him, Fran. It’s hard to explain, it’s just different. In a good way.”

  “I know, chickie. It’s all good, and I’m happy for you. But, when it does happen, I want a full report.”

  “You’ll be the first one to know,” I respond. “Promise.”

  When Fran leaves the bathroom and I see myself in the mirror, I’m mortified. A blotchy face accompanied by dark circles and puffy eyes jump out at me. I reach in the drawer for my makeup bag and attempt unsuccessfully to cover it all up.

  I’m almost finished dressing when my phone rings, and I immediately regret answering it when I hear Dane’s voice. “Gabby, I want to explain everything. I need to see you. Please tell me you’ll meet me.”

  I’m tired of this crap. “Dane, there’s no need to explain,” I snap. “I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Besides, whatever we had is over. I told you that I’m interested in someone else. Go back to your fiancée and leave me alone!” I hang up abruptly. That was annoying, but I refuse to let him get under my skin. I have somewhere important I need to be.

  That familiar jingle alerts Brad to my presence. His eyes immediately meet mine and I see that smile; the one that opens the door to my heart. Brad skips over and locks his lips with mine. It’s a good thing there are other people around, because I have an intense desire to pull him close and deepen the kiss.

  He leans in and studies my face with concern. “How are you?”

  I exhale a large breath. “I’m better now.” I am better now. I feel different. Lighter. Freer.

  He takes my hand and leads me to a booth. “I’m gonna make you a latte. I’ll be right back.” When he comes back, he moves in and sits close to me, taking my hand in his. “You look so tired, baby. Did you manage to get any sleep?”

  “Yeah, a little bit. I’m more emotionally exhausted than anything else.”

  He brings my hand to his mouth. “Thank you.”

  Why is he thanking me? “For what?”

  “For opening up to me. I knew there was something deep troubling you, but had no idea what it was. I can’t imagine what the past three years have been like for you.”

  I move in closer and rest my head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  Picking my head up, I look in his eyes. “For being here, and being you.”

  ***

  This week has flown by, and it’s been the best week I’ve had in a long time. It’s Friday, and I know that for two reasons. One, I’m seeing Brad this evening, and two, I saw the pink lilies courtesy of Kyle’s Friday delivery sitting on the coffee table this morning.

  First though, I have to get through the day. My annoying red light is blinking, but I only have thirty-two voicemail messages, and nobody needs anything yesterday. Robby has completed a couple of penthouse redesigns and has two very satisfied clients. Needless to say, he’s in a very good mood, which is precisely why I choose this time to talk with him about Dane.

  I walk nervously over to his office door and then hesitate, biting on my lip. “Hey Robby, can I talk to you?”

  “Sure, dahling, come on in. Have a seat, sweetheart.” Robby says absentmindedly. He’s concentrating heavily, typing away at his computer while he eyes design plans on his desk.

  I sit down, cross my legs, and begin playing with the fabric on the chair. “Well, I’m not sure how to say this, but…”

  He continues to type without looking up. “Gabby, if you’re handing me your resignation, you can forget it. I won’t accept. You’re my most valuable asset here, dahling.”

  Pausing, I’m even hesitant to say his name. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s actually about Dane Rhodes.”

  Now he stops and meets my gaze. “Yes, what about Dane?”

  “Well, I’m wondering if there’s any way Valerie can take over his project? We had a…”

  He lets out a knowing smile. “Dahling. Say no more. You think I don’t know what happens with these hot, rich types. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it. If I had a dollar…well, anyway…I’ll put Valerie on the account. I’m sure she’d love to get on board with that.” He leans back in his chair and lets out a rich laugh.

  “Really?” I ask with both surprise and relief.

  “Listen, sweetheart. If that’s the most difficult issue I’ll come across today, I’m in heaven. You’re now officially off the hook.”

  Wow, that was easy. I love Robby.

  The day is flying by and my mind is wandering to thoughts of tonight. I can barely contain the excitement bubbling up inside. Brad told me he’d pick me up at seven and to make sure I’d eaten beforehand. His wish is my command.

  I’m sitting in the last of our client meetings with John Roche, picking at my fingernails and staring at the clock. It’s 5:45 and I need to get home. Paying attention should be my first priority, and John’s lips are moving, but I don’t hear anything. The only thing I do hear are the freaking seconds ticking by loudly in my ears. Come on, people. After fifteen more minutes and practically wearing the point down on my pencil, thankfully the meeting ends. I run back to my desk, grab my purse, slam my drawer closed, and head out the door. Running for the elevator, I hear my phone buzz and smile. It must be Brad. My face falls instantly; it’s a text from Dane.

  Dane: I have to see you. We need to talk

  Me: We’ve been through this. I don’t have anything to say to you

  Dane: Please give me a chance to explain

  Me: No. I told you. We’re done Dane

  I turn my phone off. He’s the last person I want to be thinking about right now.

  I’m tearing through my closet, pulling clothes off hangers
. I don’t like anything I see. Before I know it, my bed is covered in a heap of fabrics and I’m still standing there in my matching blue lace bra and panties. I let out a burst of air, and throw myself on top of my bed. Now I know what the princess felt like in The Princess and the Pea. I’m on top of sixteen outfits and I swear, there’s an earring digging into my ass. After five more minutes of sheer frustration, I finally decide on black jeans and a green silk blouse. I put on a little pink blush to make my cheeks look rosy, a drop more lip gloss, and a bit of mascara. I dab perfume behind my ears, on the back of my neck, and in between my breasts. Heading to the bathroom, I brush my hair for the fourth time, and my teeth for the second, then go out to the living room and sit on the couch. Crap! I forgot to floss. Running back in the bathroom, I pull the floss from the cabinet and have at it as particles of food fly around the bathroom. Good thing I remembered. When I come back out, I notice a People magazine on the coffee table, so I sit down to read it, but it doesn’t hold my attention. I turn the television on and flip the channels, but can’t focus on that either. The pillow cushions look like they need fluffing, so I snag one…and hear a knock.

  Finally! I feel like I’ve been waiting forever. I glance at my watch. Forty minutes is an eternity when you’re anxious. Taking a deep breath, I straighten my blouse, fluff my hair, and open the door. The minute the door opens, I do what I’ve been wanting to do all day. I grab Brad, tangle my hands in his hair, and pull his mouth to mine. Parting his lips with my tongue, I slip inside and am welcomed by his sweet warmth. I explore him, softly at first, then with more intensity. Pulling back with a breathy voice, I whisper, “I missed you like crazy today.”

  “Me too, baby,” he says breathlessly, trailing wet kisses from the corner of my lips to the nape of my neck.