She squealed again. My best friend was a squealer and since we lived together, I knew for certain that she made that sound in a lot of situations. “That’s amazing, Ella. What do you think you want to do?”
I chuckled. “I don’t know. I have to figure it out and until I do, I think I’ll stay on tour. Daltrey wants me to and all of them say it’s not a problem.”
“You should. You should take the whole summer and enjoy it. You deserve this.”
After scratching above my eyebrow, I told her, “That’s the thing. Daltrey wants me to stay for the rest of the tour, but you know how uncomfortable I am not working. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.”
“Yeah, but if you came home, you’d be not working here, right?” she asked. I reluctantly nodded. “Then why not stay there, not work, and get some dick while you’re at it?”
Now we both broke out into a fit of giggles. It had been a while before Daltrey and Emery knew that better than anyone else.
While we both tried to calm down, Courting Chaos filed out onto the stage.
“They’re starting soundcheck. Want to watch?” I asked her.
“That’s a really dumb question.”
Once again, I flipped the camera around then walked closer to the stage, where they probably wouldn’t notice me but could if they looked. Courting Chaos played through a couple of parts of songs, then scuffled back off.
It had been explained to me that the headliner did soundcheck first to make sure all of their stuff was set then the opener would go. That way, everything was still exactly how it was supposed to be when Pushing Daisies went on because they were on stage first. Then the crew would reset it for Courting Chaos. There was some technical speak in there as well but I didn’t understand most of that.
“Ella, if you weren’t already my best friend, you would be now,” Emery gushed from my phone.
“Good thing I already am.”
We didn’t talk as she watched the crew switch everything out for Pushing Daisies. Then the band took the stage. Well, most of them. Van, Bonham, and Daisy took the stage anyway. Daltrey wasn’t with them.
Emery and I both asked, “Where’s Daltrey?” at the same time. My stomach sunk so far I thought it’d fall out. There were plenty of times one of them didn’t go to soundcheck. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence but it did happen. Maybe they had something else they needed to get done. Maybe that one had a radio spot. They did some of those solo sometimes.
I tried to remind myself not to freak out. If there was a problem, Daltrey would’ve called me. That’s what I told myself over and over as Emery and I watched them play.
The three of them went through all of their motions then Daisy walked over to where Daltrey normally was and grabbed his guitar. She plucked away, let the crew make some changes, then played a little more. Handy to have someone who can play all of the instruments in the band, I thought.
“You know, it’d be easier if Daltrey just joined us,” Van called out while Daisy was playing alone. She scowled at him. “What? It’s true.”
I brought my phone to my mouth so Emery would hear me over their music. I didn’t like the sound of that one bit and now I was going to search for him. “Emery, I’ll call you back.” Then I ended the call without waiting for a reply.
My feet had already begun to move before I had a chance to give them instructions. It was like I subconsciously knew something was wrong and needed to be where he was.
Daisy, Van, and Bonham were climbing down the stage stairs when I got over there and I followed them without a word down the hallway. But they stopped outside of their dressing room, where Mack was, and not one of them said a word. Not even when I made eye contact and raised and brow.
“Where’s Daltrey?” I asked with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart pounding its own beat against my chest.
Mack nodded toward the dressing room door. “I’m not sure you want to go in there.”
“Why not?”
He just shook his head and didn’t answer. I was going in there either way. I’d just wanted to know what I was walking in on. Then it hit me. He’d only not want to tell me if Daltrey had been drinking.
“Fuck,” I muttered as they all watched me.
This technically wasn’t my job anymore, but he was my boyfriend.
When he didn’t answer the first knock, I knocked again, this time louder. When that still didn’t work, I took a step back.
“So catch me up. What’s going on? Are you sure he’s in there?” I asked Mack.
“He’s in there. I saw him come back. Stumbling and clearly been drinking.”
“He wouldn’t let us in there,” Daisy said quietly. “Did something happen between you two?”
My anger flared when maybe it shouldn’t have. Old triggers die-hard and I hated that my mother had always blamed me for her drinking. Let’s just say it was a sensitive subject for me. “Why does it have to be something with me? You think I drove him to drink?” My tone was a lot snottier than it needed to be, but I resented her trying to lay the blame for whatever this was on me.
Her eyes widened. “Of course not. I was just wondering if something happened to trigger this.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. What probably triggered this is that he turns to alcohol whenever he’s feeling stressed. You know, like having a national tour with one of the biggest bands in the country right now and having a family that’s just so fucking good at everything. Those are some real stressors.”
Daisy’s lips opened in shock. Like she couldn’t believe what I’d just said. I rubbed my forehead. “I’m sorry,” I told them. “That was a shitty thing to say. But you could say that being blamed for someone else’s drinking is a trigger of mine. That’s how I grew up and even then, I knew it wasn’t my fault just like now, but it still hits wrong. I’m sorry, Daisy.”
Daisy’s shock and surprise dissipate and were replaced with much kinder eyes. “I’m sorry that I made it seem like that was what I was saying. It really wasn’t.”
I nodded and hoped that she and I were OK.
“He did have therapy today, which I know can be hard. But I haven’t talked to him since we got back from breakfast. I took care of a few things and then called Emery. I was on the phone with her for a while, but…” I looked at the time on my phone. “It doesn’t seem like it’s been long enough for him to go get drunk somewhere, but obviously more time has passed than I thought.”
Mack set his big hand on my shoulder and my complete lack of reaction reminded me of how ridiculous Emery was for thinking I’d hooked up with him. “It’s not your job to keep track of him anymore. None of us should have to babysit at this point.” He took his hand breath and sighed. “I’ll go see what’s going on.”
“No,” I said quickly. “I’ll go in. I just wanted to know what to expect. So he’s been drinking?”
Mack nodded. “He told me to fuck off when I asked where he’d been. That isn’t all that unusual but by the sound of him, he’s definitely had more than a few.”
“He told me to fuck off when I told him it was time for soundcheck,” Daisy admitted. “I’ll be honest, that surprised me. None of them are usually that way with me.”
I wet my lips quickly. “Yeah. OK. I’ll see what’s happening, then.”
Just for good measure, I knocked again. Daltrey didn’t answer and fear had replaced some of my worries. There’d been a time that my mom hadn’t answered and when I’d finally gotten into her room, she’d been passed out and barely breathing. I’d stupidly called for help because I’d been nine and hadn’t known what to do if my mother died.
She’d been carted off to the hospital and I’d spent a couple of nights in a group home until she was released. Somehow, and I didn’t know how because I’d been so young, she’d been able to keep me.
But those few nights in the group home had scared me enough that I knew I’d never call for help again. That was when I’d started to learn how to take care of my alcohol
ic mother and pay the bills. It was also when I’d started hiding food so that when her random men came over, they wouldn’t eat it all and leave nothing for me.
I had a laundry basket in my bedroom closet that I put some non-perishables in, like crackers and granola bars, then I’d cover it with clean laundry so my mom wouldn’t notice it. I’d snuck some pop in there too. A girl taking care of the house needed her caffeine. I wouldn’t discover coffee until I’d been fourteen.
Shit. I didn’t know if I could go through this again with another person. I loved Daltrey, but there was only so much I could take.
“Daltrey,” I called out. “I’m coming in so don’t freak out on me.”
Then I turned the knob. It wasn’t even locked, so I gave Bonham a questioning look.
He scratched at the back of his head. “Let’s just say he tried to take our heads off a few times.”
Got it. Clear as day. For a moment, I wondered where Lexi and Jurnie were, but when I thought about it, I realized that neither Van nor Bonham would want their women around this. Actually, I was surprised Lawson wasn’t here to shield Daisy.
I took a deep breath and pushed through the doorway.
The room was dark since there were no windows and no lights on. I flipped the switch and heard a groan, alerting me to where Daltrey was slumped over on the floor not far in front of the door. I raced over there and my man looked awful.
His dark hair was a mess like he’d been running his hands through it. Or—I swallowed hard—someone’s and his skin was pale. The only thing that helped remind me that it was him was the dog tattoo on his forearm.
I took a deep breath. “Daltrey, at least tell me that you’re OK.” He didn’t answer. “I guess I’ll thank you for not throwing anything at me when I came in.”
“I wouldn’t do that.” He finally spoke, but his voice sounded like he was gargling gravel.
I swallowed hard.
This was not how I wanted to be spending my time and him being this way was unsettling.
18
Daltrey
It was the call with my therapist and the talk I’d had with Ella. I knew going down the street to a bar was a bad idea. Yet I went anyway. Why wasn’t any of this working for me anymore? She was still working for me, but I guessed I expected more of the meds.
Before my first couple of swallows, I could rationalize it with myself. These things take time, but what was I going to do if Ella left before I had a chance to get evened out? I wasn’t even her job anymore and she didn’t have to stay. Going home didn’t mean we were breaking up—that would have been a whole other problem I’d have to deal with, yet it sort of felt like that was exactly what it did mean.
This fucking sucked.
Here I was letting my brothers and Daisy down again and I couldn’t stop myself on this path to self-destruction.
Halfway through the bottle of tequila, I made a decision to change my life. It was time my family finds someone to replace me so I could just go home and not have to deal with any of it anymore.
But I was too drunk to have that conversation, so every time one of them tried to come into the dressing room, I made sure they gave it a second thought. It was like watching myself from far away. I was no longer in control of my body and something else was making all of my choices for me.
This time when someone knocked, I ignored it. They wouldn’t come in if I didn’t say they could at this point. Then more fucking knocking. I was about to really let them have it when the sweetest voice in the world called out, “Daltrey. I’m coming in, either way, so don’t freak out on me.”
As if I’d ever freak out on her. She was the reason I’d been doing so well.
I hadn’t turned any lights on, so when Ella flipped the switch, I groaned and covered my eyes. It was going to take a minute for my eyes to adjust. I was on the floor not far from the door. It was where I’d dropped when I’d hobbled in. Ella’s footsteps were quick as she made her way over to me.
“Daltrey, at least tell me that you’re OK,” she said. But I couldn’t tell her that because I wasn’t OK. There was nothing OK about this entire situation. “I guess I’ll thank you for not throwing anything at me when I came in.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” I said quickly and even that little movement made my stomach turn. This wasn’t going to be fun later.
“Good to know.” Ella wrapped her arms over her stomach while her jaw clenched as she looked down at me. The perfect metaphor for the whole shitshow. Her looking down on me. “Want to tell me what the hell happened?” she asked with an edge to her voice. “You were doing so well.”
It took a lot of effort, but I looked up and her and squinted because it was brighter up there. “You’re mad.”
“I am mad,” she admitted. “I’m also disappointed and want to know what happened today.” She sighed then dropped down beside me, though she didn’t lean back against the wall like I did. She was facing me. “Come on, Daltrey. Talk.”
I rubbed my forehead with one hand while the bottle of tequila was still in the other. “Can we do this later?”
“No.” Her answer was immediate. Ella didn’t fuck around. “We’re doing this now.”
I dropped my head back until it hit the wall with a thump and stared at the ceiling, then took a couple of deep breaths.
“It’s the pressure,” I finally told her. I’d never been anything but honest with Ella and wasn’t going to start lying now. “I had therapy and that fucking conversation with you before. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Ella stiffened beside me. I didn’t need to look at her to know that she had. I felt it. “What ‘this’?”
“The band. The tour.”
Her shoulders relaxed a little and I considered that she might’ve thought I was talking about her. In my mind, I was fucking everything up with her. With everything. I brought the bottle to my lips, but Ella’s hand came up onto it before I could take a drink. I’d stopped at a liquor store after the drinks at the bar.
“First, let’s get rid of this.” She pulled the bottle from my hand then stood up and went into the attached bathroom. When she came back the bottle was empty, so I assumed she’d poured it down the drain. Then she dropped the bottle into the trash and the sound of the glass breaking made me cringe. Didn’t bother her, though. “Now. Are you ready to tell me what’s going on?”
Ella didn’t join me back on the floor. Instead, she stood over me with her arms crossed under her breasts and an expectant look on her face.
I wasn’t getting out of this.
“Nothing happened. I just wanted a drink.”
“Bullshit,” she spat. “There’s something going on, Daltrey, and you’re not saying what it is. Just tell me.”
My drunk ass couldn’t make heads or tails of what she was saying.
“There’s nothing going on. I wanted a drink, nothing more.” I pushed to my feet but swayed and had to brace my hand on the wall. “You don’t need to nag me over this, Ella. I’m fine. I’m not your mother.”
She snapped her head back as if I’d reached out and slapped her, which was something I’d never do and my fucking heart stopped for a moment.
“You don’t need to mother me,” I continued. “And I’m not even going to remember this tomorrow.” Which was bullshit. I’d never forget the look on her face, even if I tried.
“You’re fucking everything up, Daltrey. You said you didn’t want to be this person, yet here you are. Why are you drinking today?”
“I wanted a fucking drink,” I yelled. “Nothing more. Calm down.”
Fuck, that was the last thing I should’ve said. Calm down never works, but right now, I needed her to go away.
“I’m not fucking anything up.” I rubbed my forehead. I just needed her to give me a break.
“Wanna bet? There’s a group of people out there wondering what the fuck is going on and worried that you won’t be able to go on tonight.”
“I’ll go on,” I yelled, droppin
g my hands to the sides. “I always go on. Daisy and the guys will forgive me.”
“Well, I’m not Daisy or the guys, am I?” she asked quietly and it was like I could see the wall physically going up around her. As if she’d already decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. Now I really wished I wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow.
“Can we just talk about this tomorrow?” I asked. “I have to go get some coffee.”
She shook her head sadly. “I don’t need to talk about this tomorrow, Daltrey. You said this was behind you. We were getting things figured out, but I can’t live like this again. It was probably a terrible idea to fall for someone with an alcohol problem in the first place.”
“So I fuck up once and you’re out?”
She flinched then shrugged and I knew what was coming. “I overestimated myself,” she said. “I thought I could handle this, but I can’t. I’ll find a flight home as soon as possible. But I can’t live with someone who turns dark every time something goes wrong. Especially when he won’t even tell me what that was. Life is full of disappointments and I worry that if I stay here with you, every disappointment will become a binge.” She took a breath and I noticed that she swiped a hand over her cheek. That was when I saw that a tear had escaped her eye and I hated myself for making her cry. “Life is too hard already.”
Ella made her way over to the door, but before she turned the handle, I asked, “Have you figured out what you’re going to do?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your concern anymore, but I’m starting to think I’d like to help people like you.” Her eyes met mine and it felt like a punch to the chest. “But those who actually want help.”
Then she was gone.
It was only seconds before my family filed into the room, each looking just as pissed off as the others. I didn’t even have time to process what had just happened, but my fucking chest felt empty. I’d just fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me and I had too much alcohol in my system to make any sense of it or care.
Daltrey (Pushing Daisies Book 4) Page 15