Mack spoke first. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “You’re drunk.”
“Fucking newsflash,” Van mumbled.
“Fuck off, Van.”
“Nope,” Mack answered, even though I could see Van’s anger rising. “We’re not going to do that. Van’s not the problem here. You are.” He turned to our siblings. “Why don’t you three go get him some coffee? Strong coffee. Extra espresso shots.”
“It doesn’t take three people to get coffee,” Van protested.
“For the amount he’s going to need to get ready for tonight, it does.” He nodded toward the door. “Go.”
Mack and I glared at each other while the younger three left.
What the fuck did I do? I had to get sober at least enough to perform, though I’d performed drunk before and I’d do it again if I had to. Either way, I’d go on, but I wasn’t sure even the alcohol would help tonight.
Ella was good and pissed, which was on me, but I didn’t have time to figure it out. Not to mention, if I went back to her like this, she’d just get angrier.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Mack stood there looking at me like a disapproving father and it made my skin crawl. It was the same look my actual father had given me when I’d been nineteen and drinking too much.
I dragged my hands through my hair. “Nothing. I’ll be fine for tonight.”
He shook his head. “That’s not even what I’m talking about.”
“Then what the fuck are you talking about?”
“Ella.” Her name dropped in the room like a sledgehammer and I didn’t have a response for him. “Nothing to say?” He took a step closer.
Mack wasn’t about to get physical, but he wasn’t beyond using his hugeness to make a point. None of us guys were what anyone would call small. We were all tall, thanks to our dad, and we worked out, so yeah, to some, we’d be intimidating. But Mack was the tallest, broadest of all of us.
“You sent that girl out of this room crying,” he continued. “Is that really what you wanted to do? Because I wouldn’t think so.” His deep voice was booming in this room. It didn’t help that the acoustics were great in here for such a small room. “I haven’t seen you happier, probably, ever since she showed up. Now you’ve fucked everything up and she’s crying. You hurt her. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know,” I yelled back.
“I thought you were getting a handle on your anxiety.” This, he said a lot quieter.
“I am.” I took a deep breath as I went over to the table and grabbed a bottle of water off of it. No time like the present to start hydrating so I could be sort of human later. Though the effects of what I’d drunk were already waning. I dropped into the closest chair and after emptying half of the bottle, I said, “It was just a lot today.”
“Then why didn’t you talk to someone? One of us or, hey, your girlfriend.”
I shook my head slowly. “I couldn’t talk to her because I don’t want to hold her back.”
Mack took a seat on the end of the couch closest to me. Some of his anger had subsided, but I knew he was still pissed as hell. “What are you talking about?”
I took a deep breath. “She’s talking about leaving. Figuring out what she wants to do with her life since she’d rather not go back to waitressing. Though she will if she needs to. Then I talked to my therapist and she was talking about how Ella needs to do her own thing and I can’t be dependent on her and all that bullshit. It was just a lot.”
I finally looked at him. It seemed like he was thinking it all over, but who the fuck knew?
“So she’s your safety blanket?”
“Pretty much,” I admitted. “And I fucking hate it. I can’t keep her here because it’s what’s good for me.”
“No. You can’t. If you love her—”
“I do.”
“If you love her,” he continued, “you can’t stand in the way of her dreams. She doesn’t stand in the way of yours, though I’m not entirely sure what those are at this point. Do you know?”
I finished the first bottle of water and started another. “Most of the time, I want this. The band. The tour. I sure as fuck want her. But then there are others that it’s all just too much and I don’t think I’m good enough. That you guys would be better off with another guitar player.”
“Fuck that,” he snapped. “This isn’t even about who the best is because we all know it’s Daisy.”
I chuckled because he wasn’t wrong. She was the best person out of all of us and the best musician.
“This band,” he continued, “is about us. The family. We wouldn’t be Pushing Daisies without you, so shut the fuck up about all of that. Unless you really aren’t into it anymore. If you really want out—”
“I don’t,” I admitted. “I know, in those moments, I’m feeling the anxiety. They’re going to make a med change and I’ll get it figured out. I’ll stop self-medicating. But I don’t really want out even when I think I do. This is my family.”
Mack placed his hand on my knee. “If you start feeling like spiraling, come talk to one of us. We’re here for you, Daltrey. Even Ella. She might be pissed at you right now—”
“No,” I said, cutting him off again. The reality of her and my conversation was sinking in the more hydrated I became. “I’ve fucked that up. She’s going home. Pretty sure, after the conversation we had before you came in, she’s done with my ass.”
Mack cocked his head to the side. “Pretty sure doesn’t sound sure to me.”
I swallowed hard, biting back the emotion that wanted to let loose. “She said she’s going to find a flight home. She’s done, Mack, and I don’t blame her.”
He raised his eyebrows, as if all of this surprised him, but it shouldn’t have. At the same time, the other three came back in, each with a coffee in their hand. They all set them down in front of me, then Daisy asked, “So are we good for tonight?”
My eyes met hers. I wanted her to believe me. “We will be.”
“Good.” She sat in the chair across from me. “Ella looked really upset when she left. Are you going to fix that?”
I took a breath and blew it out slowly. “I’m not sure that I can.”
Mack pulled out his phone then looked at me. “You better figure it out. Ella just sent me a text to let me know that she was heading home and found a flight out of Orlando in three days. Says she’ll explain it when we can talk in person.”
“Why isn’t she flying out tonight?” I asked myself more than anyone else.
“Do you want her to?” Bonham asked with his brows slammed down.
I didn’t think I’d been overly obvious about how deep my feelings for Ella went, but apparently, they’d all noticed.
“No.”
“Then figure it out.”
I couldn’t go to her right then. I did have to clean up for the show tonight, which meant drinking all three of those coffees, several more bottles of water, taking a shower, and getting something to eat.
By showtime, I felt almost three-quarters human and I gave everything I had on stage. It wasn’t my best performance, but it was good enough that I didn’t think the crowd noticed much difference.
After the show, I showered again because of how sweaty we got on stage. The first one was to wake me up and get the stink of tequila off of me. At the time Ella found me, I was pretty sure that shit had been coming out of my pores.
Now was the moment of truth. Nobody had seen Ella since she’d walked out of the dressing room. I knew because I’d asked. She had to be on the bus, so I was going to head there. Until Mack stopped me in the hallway. He was the one person I hadn’t asked because I hadn’t been able to find him, either.
“I talked to Ella,” he told me.
Fuck, I felt sick. I shoved my fists in my pockets so they weren’t hanging limply at my sides.
“What’d she say?”
�
��She explained why she was going home, even though I told her she didn’t have to.” He shrugged. “She doesn’t work for us anymore. She said she felt like she owed me an explanation because I’d hired her to do a job and she’d failed at it.”
I hung my head and closed my eyes. So now my girl was feeling like she’d failed. I’d really fucked this one up badly.
“She’s flying out of Orlando,” he continued, which brought my attention back. I needed to know what was going on with her but was fairly certain she wasn’t going to tell me. “Because it was the cheapest flight she could find. Said she’d rather deal with being on the tour three more days than fly out tonight and cost a thousand dollars more.”
“Yeah. I can see her saying that.”
Mack’s hard, dark eyes settled on me and his jaw tensed. He was pissed at me and had every right to be where the band was concerned. Where Ella was, not so much, but that didn’t matter in our family.
“I told her I’d pay for her ticket home tonight.”
My head snapped back. “Why the fuck would you do that? I can’t fix this if she’s not here. Her way at least gives me a couple of days.”
“If the girl wants to get away from you, I don’t want to force her to be here.” He raised an eyebrow like he was challenging me to something. “Lucky for you she said no. She doesn’t work for us anymore, so she doesn’t want to take anything that she didn’t earn. You got lucky, brother. You better fucking figure it out before Orlando.”
I couldn’t respond to that because I didn’t know how I was going to figure it out. Instead, I just nodded then walked away.
On the bus, it was as quiet as could be. Ella had to be here because no one had seen her around. I supposed she could’ve gone for a walk or something, but since Mack had just talked to her while we’d been on stage, I didn’t think that was the case. She had to be closed off in her bunk. Now that I was as sober as a church mouse, as my mom always said, I knew just how awful I’d been in the dressing room.
I swore right then that no matter what I was feeling or what was happening, I wasn’t touching a drop of alcohol ever again. If this shit could cost me the woman I loved, I didn’t need another lesson in how bad it was for me.
Slowly, I made my way to the bunk area and squatted down outside of hers. Her door was closed and I couldn’t hear a thing inside at first. The silence was then broken by the quietest sniff.
Fuck. I dropped my head against the wall that separated the top bunk, my bunk, from the bottom, where she was.
“Ella,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry for everything I said. Can I talk to you?”
The air stilled again, which meant she could hear me but didn’t want me to hear her. I couldn’t even make out breathing from her bunk. Not that she was an abnormally loud breather, but you’d think I’d hear something.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me,” I said quietly. “I’m sober now. I promise I won’t hurt you.” With my words, I wanted to add, because I’d already done that.
Still, she didn’t respond. She wasn’t going to give in and I couldn’t blame her. I pressed my hand against the door. It was the only contact I was going to have with her.
“Know that I’m as sorry as I could possibly be. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’d like to make it up to you.” Still nothing. “I love you so much, baby.”
The door to the bus opened. Bonham, Van, and their girlfriends climbed on. Their happy chatter tore me apart and once they saw me, they all stopped. I glanced up at them then stood and hopped into my bunk. After sliding the door shut, I took off all of my clothes until I was just in my boxers and lay there thinking about how I could make this up to her, how I could get her to at least talk to me.
I didn’t think I could, but still, I pulled my phone out of my jeans pocket and started typing.
19
Ella
I looked at my phone again. Though I probably shouldn’t have read his text two nights ago when he’d sent it, I couldn’t help it.
That night, I’d been lying my bunk feeling bad for myself as I’d gone over everything Daltrey had said. He probably hadn’t meant to be as hurtful as he’d been and honestly, I didn’t know if he even realized how what he’d been saying would affect me.
It didn’t matter. He’d said it all and I was hurt. I’d meant what I’d said when I’d told him that I couldn’t be with someone who had an alcohol problem. It didn’t matter how much I loved him. Because I loved him more than I should’ve, but I couldn’t live the rest of my life the way I had with my mom.
Ella, I’m so sorry for everything I said tonight. I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to. I never meant to hurt you, but I know I did. I’ll never forgive myself for that, so I don’t expect you to forgive me, either. It kills me that I hurt you. I love you so fucking much and I’ll do anything to prove to you that I’m not going to be that guy. If you go home, that changes nothing for me. I’m going to try to prove to you that I’m someone you can trust with your heart until you tell me there’s no chance you ever could.
I read the text message for the hundredth time then held my phone to my chest.
Daltrey would know that I’d read it because that was how texts worked. I didn’t care that he knew, but everything about it broke my heart.
I believed him. I did think he was sorry. I just couldn’t trust that he could be what I needed him to be and knew that I couldn’t be the forgiving person he might need me to be, given my upbringing.
Then I cursed my mother for making me this way. If I’d had a normal childhood, I probably would be more willing to give him chances. But in this case, I couldn’t risk my heart or my safety.
I hadn’t told Daltrey or Mack, for that matter, that sometimes when my mom had been drunk, she’d strike out and I’d get slapped for the smallest transgressions. She hadn’t always been violent. Actually, it was pretty rare, but it had still happened and that scared the shit out of me. I knew I couldn’t live like that, no matter how much I loved him. I knew when it came to drinking problems that I’d eventually lose him to it like I had my mother. That wasn’t something I wanted to go through again.
“Hey, Ella,” Lexi called out when she was about six feet away from me. I was sitting on a bench not far from the entrance we used at the venue. I’d already seen most of them go by, including Daltrey, but I kept my distance and so did he. Jurnie was beside her.
Those two were a couple of the people I’d miss the most. But we’d exchanged numbers and Snapchats while promising to stay in touch. I liked them and could see us becoming really close friends. Though that would mean seeing Daltrey because of who their boyfriends were, but I thought I could handle that.
I hadn’t even worked up the nerve to call Emery and tell her what was going on. She’d find out when I landed on her doorstep, I guess. For the last several days, I’d kept completely to myself.
“What’s up?” I asked, forcing a smile on my face. “What are you two up to?”
“Going to get some lunch. Want to come?”
“Sure.” I wouldn’t let my sadness impact my friendship. Besides, I’d gotten pretty good at hiding my true feelings.
The three of us walked down the street to the Panera not far away, ordered our food, then grabbed a table outside. It was beautiful out, so there was no reason not to sit out there. The umbrella cast a shade over the table to take some of the heat off.
I already knew I wouldn’t eat the half a sandwich and salad that I’d ordered, but I’d take a few bites. Fake it until you make it, I told myself.
We’d made small talk on the walk, but now that we were sitting, the conversation took a different route.
“So you go home when we get to Orlando?” Jurnie asked then took a forkful of her salad.
Orlando was the day after tomorrow. I’d miscalculated when I’d made the flight reservation, but I’d done three days, so there was no reason I can’t do a fourth. I’d had it right when I bought the ticket so that all lined up, but what I had
wrong was what the date was the night I decided to go home.
“That’s the plan,” I told them, though I was actually going to miss the time we’d had to hang out together.
“Well,” Lexi said. “That sucks, but the three of us are still hanging out because you’re in Grand Rapids, which is kind of perfect for both of us. It’s not exactly halfway between Chicago and Detroit, but it’s a good meeting spot. Daisy too.” She looked at me quickly. “Unless that would be a problem.”
I gave them a smile that I hoped was convincing. “Not a problem for me. I love Daisy. She’s great. I don’t know how she feels about me because I haven’t talked to her since…”
“Since you and Daltrey broke up?” Jurnie asked.
“Exactly. But, Lexi, won’t you be in Detroit too? That’s where Van’s going to be, right?”
She nodded. “He is technically going to be there because they’re going to be recording a new album and stuff, but I know he’ll come to Chicago as much as he can. I still have a year of school to get through, so we’re going to have to do some juggling.”
The three of us grew quiet as we ate, but I noticed Lexi and Jurnie glancing at each other like they were each daring the other to ask me something. It didn’t take a wild guess as to what that question as going to be.
“You want to know what happened, right?” I set my fork down. I was done eating anyway and had pretty much been moving the food around the container.
“You don’t have to tell us,” Jurnie said back right away.
“But, yeah, we’re curious,” added Lexi. “Things seemed to have been going well with you two and we had high hopes.”
“Lexi’s biggest fear is that one of the guys is going to hook up with someone we don’t get along with, then we’re stuck on the bus with her when we visit them on tour.”
“And you’re great,” Lexi said. “So we were hopeful.”
I took a deep breath. There was no reason not to tell them what had happened unless their boyfriends hadn’t kept them in the loop. I assumed they had.
“How much have Van and Bonham told you about what’s going on with Daltrey?” I asked because I wasn’t about to start talking and blab the entire situation at them.
Daltrey (Pushing Daisies Book 4) Page 16