by Lisa Suzanne
I pull out one of the sticks and study it for a minute. My heart is racing. It’s silly, really, how unnerving it suddenly is just to do something I routinely do every single day.
It’s now or never. Courtney is a good friend for making me do this, because I would’ve been content to wait another week or two…or ten.
I awkwardly position the stick underneath me and do my thing. When I’m done, I cap the stick and turn it facedown on my bathroom counter. I wash my hands and open the door, and Courtney’s leaning against the wall across from my bathroom door.
“Set a timer for three minutes.” I hear the unfamiliar waver in my own voice; I’m scared.
Without words, Courtney pulls out her phone and starts a timer.
I take a spot beside her and lean against the wall. We both turn in toward each other.
“Distract me while we wait,” I say.
“Have you thought about when you’re going to tell Axel if it’s positive?”
“That’s not distracting me.”
She shrugs. “I never said it would be a good distraction.”
“You’re the worst.”
She grins. “You love me.”
“Sometimes.”
“So, have you?”
“Let’s just take this one step at a time before I make any big decisions like that.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I might be sick any second.”
“How did you do that shot last night?”
I giggle. “The one they poured right in?”
She nods.
“I faked it. I pretended to swallow and then when you were taking yours, I spit it out into my water cup.”
“Smooth. I knew you weren’t taking it and you still fooled me.”
“I thought it might be bad form to tell Axel’s mom before I actually tell Axel.”
“Probably,” she concedes. “Have you thought about whether or not you want this?”
I shrug. “I didn’t want it, and I don’t know if I do now that it’s a possibility, but not drinking at your bachelorette party…well, that at least tells me I’m taking it seriously.”
“How will you work nights if you have a little one?”
“I haven’t thought that far ahead, but lately I’m wondering how much longer I’ll be working at The Port.”
“Because of Axel and Kasey?”
I shake my head. “Because of my job, although now that you bring it up…”
“Why your job?”
“No little girl dreams of growing up and getting people drunk for a living.”
“What did you dream of doing when you were growing up?”
“I wanted to be a wedding planner, believe it or not. Then my parents got divorced and I had a hard time believing in marriage.”
“You sort of are a party planner, if you think about it. You’re an event planner, and you’ve been my ace in the hole planning my wedding.”
The alarm on her phone sounds, and it’s the sound of ducks quacking—and now ducks quacking will forever hold an alarming and anxiety-producing place in my mind.
“You ready to go look?” she asks.
I shake my head and bite my lip. “I can’t do it. You do it.”
“You sure?”
I nod. “Please.”
She goes into the bathroom, and I follow her. She picks up the stick, and my heart hammers in my chest. It’s almost time for my daily illness, and I feel the macaroni starting to creep its way up my throat.
I watch as Courtney stares at my stick, and then she turns it to look at it from another angle. She moves closer to the light and looks again.
“Well?” I finally ask.
“I can’t tell.”
“What?”
“I can’t tell. Here, you look.”
I grab the stick out of her hand. I see a definite minus, but I can’t tell if the faded intersecting line I see makes it a plus or if it’s just how it was before I took the test—or maybe I got a little pee on it…or maybe I’m pregnant.
The quick pace of my heart hasn’t slowed at all.
“I can’t read it either. Is that a line?” I ask, pointing with my pinky nail along the possible line.
“I don’t know. Get out the other stick so we can compare.”
I pull the other stick out of the bag, but it doesn’t make things any clearer for us as we compare the peed-on stick against the non-peed-on stick. The minus line is heavy and dark, but I think I might see a faint plus. I can’t tell for sure.
“Shouldn’t the plus be really dark if it’s positive?” I ask.
Courtney shrugs.
“Have you ever taken one of these?”
“No.”
“Neither have I! Oh my God, I can’t even read the damn test—how am I supposed to take care of a child?”
“Don’t do that. If you are pregnant, you’re going to be an amazing mom.”
I feel my eyes well with tears.
“Take it again on the other stick,” Courtney says.
“What good will that do?”
“I don’t know! Maybe it’ll be more clear.”
“But I just peed. I don’t have to pee again yet.”
“Go drink some water.”
“The directions said water will just dilute it and it’s better to pee first thing in the morning.”
“Well I can’t wait until morning for you to take this. I have to know now!”
“You have to know now? I have to know now!”
“Well then let’s go to the store and see what other kinds of tests they have. Maybe there’s one that’s, like, really clear and obvious, and easy to read.”
“Fine. Let’s go.”
I can’t remember the last time I left the house looking like I do—no makeup, hair a stringy mess, sweatpants—but some things in life call for immediate solutions where a girl just doesn’t care what she looks like. Apparently purchasing an easy-to-read pregnancy test is one of those times.
Courtney drives, which is good since my hands are shaking. There’s a drugstore just around the corner from my apartment—walking distance, really, but we’re in a hurry. We rush inside and find the aisle we need. There is quite a selection there. I stare blankly at the shelf, and it’s like I just shut down. I can’t figure out which one to get or which one might be the best. The hot pink box? The white box? The one that claims it’s clear and simple? The cheap one? The expensive one? The name-brand one? The one with the big letters that say I’ll know a week before my missed period? Have I missed a period? My mind is blank. I stare at them in a daze, too terrified to actually pick one up, too terrified to do some research to see which one actually works the best. I have no idea how the fuck these things work.
“Here!” Courtney exclaims with a bit too much jubilance. She holds out a box with Easy to Read Digital Results splayed in huge letters across the front.
“Easy to read for idiots like me,” I mutter.
“I couldn’t read it either, and I’m not an idiot.”
“Hey!”
She giggles. “We’re getting this one. It has a digital readout that says ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant.’ Doesn’t get much more clear than that.”
I grab it out of her hands then swing by the frozen food aisle. I pick up a frozen macaroni and cheese, and then on second thought, I grab another one.
And a pizza.
“Carb loading?” Courtney asks.
“Yeah. I’ve got a big marathon I’m running tomorrow.”
We both giggle, and I’m suddenly so grateful for my best friend that I almost feel tears welling in my eyes again.
She pulls my arm toward the vitamin aisle. “Let’s get you some prenatal vitamins, too.”
“I’m already taking vitamins.”
“Prenatal?”
“What now?”
“Prenatal vitamins. You’re supposed to take them when you’re pregnant.”
“Then why are they called prenatal? Doesn’t that make
them sound like you take them before you’re pregnant?”
“I think you do, like if you’re trying to get pregnant, but also after you are pregnant.”
“We don’t know if I am.”
“You’re right, but let’s get these anyway, just in case. If you’re not, I’ll return them.”
“God, I literally know nothing about this.”
“I don’t know a ton about it, but I probably know more than you, and I know vitamins are a good start.”
She looks at the rather extensive vitamin selection and chooses a bottle. “These.” She stacks them on top of my carbs and my pregnancy test, and then we head for the checkout.
I chugged a water in the car on our way to the store, so when we get back with my new pregnancy test, I actually do have to go again. I read the directions, take a deep breath, and try again.
“Set a timer for three minutes,” I say, just as I did an hour ago.
Courtney does as instructed, and this time my heart races harder than the last.
“You doing okay?” she asks. We’re standing exactly as we were the last time.
I nod. “I’m okay. You?”
“I’m okay. This whole thing is helping me beat my hangover.”
“Glad I could be of service,” I say dryly. “Are you ready for the wedding?”
She shrugs. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“What do you need me to do this week? I’m not going back to work until after the wedding.”
“Does Axel know that?”
“It was his idea so I can be of service to you. I’ve been working from home, so everything is set up. I’m just not there to actually entertain people.”
“You’re important to The Port, Ems. I’m sure between Carter, Axel, and you, the three of you can come up with a modified path for your career.”
I nod. “I didn’t think it would be as easy to work from home as it has been, and I’ve got a bunch of promo stuff set up for the upcoming months. I think if I decide I want to change the way I do things, both Axel and Carter would be open to that.”
“Would it be weird to work for your baby daddy?”
“Will it really be any different than working for the guy I’m banging?”
“Sure it will. He’ll have a whole different level of respect for the mother of his child.”
“God, can you even imagine me as a mother?”
“You’ll be the cool mom. Until I get knocked up—then I’ll be the cool mom.”
“There can only be one?”
She shrugs. “Well you know our kids will hang out together, so of the two of us, I’ll be the cool one.”
“That is such bullshit! You know I’ll be the cool one. You’ll be the strict one. No, you’ll be the Pinterest mom and I’ll be the mom who buys something at the grocery store and sticks it on a plate so it looks like I baked.”
She giggles. “That does sound like something you would do. I don’t think I’ll be a Pinterest mom, though. More like a Google mom.”
“A Google mom?”
“I’ll, like, Google something cool to make but it’ll be easy.”
The ducks on her phone alarm start quacking again. “Time to find out whether or not you’re gonna be a mom—cool, Pinterest, Google, or otherwise.”
“I can’t look.”
“Me again?”
I nod.
“Hopefully I can actually read it this time.” She heads into my bathroom, and I follow close behind. I cover my eyes with my hand, my heart racing a mile a minute. I feel scared—really scared. Terrified. I feel sick to my stomach and nervous.
“Okay, I’m looking,” she says.
For that one split second, she knows something about me that I don’t know. For that one split second, she’s the keeper of information that could potentially change every single aspect of my entire life.
It’s only one split second, because then I open my eyes and look at her. She’s grinning, but I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t know if that means positive or negative, and I don’t even know if positive is good or bad or if negative is good or bad or if up is down or if left is purple.
The tiniest sliver inside me wants it to be positive. In that one split second, I feel hopeful. This isn’t something I’ve ever wanted, but what if Axel and I made a baby out of our love?
I’ve spent so much time pretending this isn’t reality over the past several days, I haven’t even given into the what-ifs. I haven’t allowed myself to want it or not want it; I’ve just simply existed with the idea.
Right now, in this split second of time, I want it. I want to swell with a baby. I want to feel it kick inside me. I want there to be this physical sign of love, and I want the life I never thought I could have.
“You ready to know?” she asks.
I nod my head, and then she turns the digital screen toward me.
Pregnant.
CHAPTER 25
EMME
I feel all the blood drain from my face. I feel lightheaded for a moment, dizzy, nauseous, but even through all of that, I feel a spark of happiness I wasn’t expecting.
“Oh my God,” I whisper.
“You’re pregnant,” Courtney says softly. She’s still grinning.
I feel my lips turn up. I feel my face crack into a smile. I feel lighthearted excitement.
It’s a boy. I know it’s a boy. My first instinct tells me it’s a little boy who will come out looking just like his daddy—though without the beard, probably.
Oh my God, his daddy. I have to tell Axel.
I’m not ready to tell him, though. I’m not ready to see him, and I’m not ready to make this his reality like it’s just become mine. I need a minute to get used to the idea and to figure out where the hell I go from here.
Even though this is something I’ve always said I never wanted, immediately and without reservation I know this is how it’s supposed to be. There’s no question that I’m having—and keeping—this baby. There’s no question that my heart just expanded to twice its size and is already filled with love for this little being we created.
Sure, my baby will have a bartender daddy, but my baby will also have a daddy who loves him unconditionally, who supports him and who cares for him, who makes his own work schedule. We will figure this out, and we will do it together. Of that, I’m sure.
“When are you going to tell Axel?” Courtney asks me.
I shrug. “I’m not going in to work until after the wedding. We agreed to some time away from each other.”
“You can’t make me keep this a secret from Carter until then.”
“I know. Tell him, just make him swear not to tell Axel.”
She nods. “I will. It’s not our place to tell him.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. “For everything.” I nod toward the pregnancy tests, and she pulls me into a hug.
“You know I’d do anything for you.” She squeezes me.
“If not for you, I still wouldn’t know. Now that I know…” I trail off. Now that I know…what? What happens now?
“Now that you know?” she prompts.
“I’m happier than I thought I’d be.”
“I’m happy for you. Can I get you anything?”
I shake my head. “I just need a minute.”
“Of course.” She leaves the bathroom, and I close the door behind her. I stare at the test for a few beats.
Pregnant.
The word is bold, in my face. Hitting me over the head with its reality.
On some level, I already knew before I took the test, but now that it’s confirmed, I have about a gazillion questions. Before I tell Axel anything, I need to get to the doctor. I need to make sure the over-the-counter test isn’t lying. I can’t turn his whole world upside down until a doctor confirms what this test is telling me.
It’s not that thought that has me bending over the toilet a few seconds later; it’s my daily four o’clock illness.
“You okay in there?” Courtney yell
s through the closed door.
“Yeah,” I yell. I heave one more time, and then I’m magically fine. I brush my teeth, wipe my eyes, and open the door to my friend.
We walk together down the hallway. “Have you been getting sick a lot?”
“Every day around four.”
“Do you still feel bad?”
I shake my head. “Usually once I get sick, I feel okay, just tired—exhausted, really, and crazy emotional.”
“Yep, definitely pregnant. Sit. I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Stop. I’m fine, and we have a wedding to plan.”
“True. I haven’t done anything today because I slept all morning and spent the last hour here with you.”
“So what needs to be done?”
“I have some shopping to do. Wanna come?”
“Uh, yeah. Duh.” Shopping is basically my cardio. “Let me just fix my face and change my clothes. Maybe we can grab some food while we’re out.”
“Don’t forget to do something with your hair, too.”
I glare at her.
“Love you.” She grins.
“Love you too.”
While I’m alone, I pull up my doctor on my phone to schedule an appointment. It turns out I can’t get in until next Monday, which is after Courtney and Carter’s wedding. Since I want to see the doctor to confirm everything before I tell Axel, it looks as though I’m going to have to keep my secret a little longer…which also confirms that I’ll be staying far away from Axel so I don’t accidentally spill my beans.
I emerge twenty minutes later feeling much better, but everything I see is through a new lens. There’s a little being taking shape inside me, and I’m going to be its mother. The whole idea kind of blows my mind.
We head to the mall, and Courtney parks outside a big, fancy department store.
“What are we here for?” I ask. She’s not really known for buying off the rack.
She rolls her eyes. “Lingerie.”