Hell to Heaven

by Kylie Chan

  ‘Way to go blowing up all preconceptions about what a secretary should be,’ Michael said with admiration as he closed my office door behind him. ‘He’s just an ordinary human though; you sure he’ll be able to do it?’

  I shrugged. ‘He’s smart as anything and has some Shaolin. He’ll be great.’

  Michael frowned as he sat. ‘Does he know the risk?’

  I hesitated for a moment, then sobered. ‘No. I’ll talk to him. I just got caught up in settling him in; I didn’t make that clear.’

  ‘Does he know about you?’

  ‘He knows I’m a snake.’

  ‘And the other stuff?’

  ‘What did you want to see me about, Michael?’

  He leaned back. ‘Apparently, you’ve ordered me to go to Celestial High. I’m twenty-four years old, I have a Master’s degree, I have a full-time job and I’m not going back to high school.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I didn’t order it, I just gave permission, but your choice. No problem at all.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, and rose. ‘What was I supposed to be studying at CH anyway? Year Twelve math?’

  ‘Poison administration and clearance, advanced Shen energy manipulation, up to level seventy-five demon binding and taming,’ I said. ‘Stuff you’d get from a senior class here anyway, so it’s much the same whether you go there or here.’

  ‘Why there then?’

  ‘They asked.’

  ‘Yeah, I got an über-formal email from them. Sound like a stuffy bunch of old-fashioned teachers—just what I don’t need.’

  ‘You’ve never been up there?’

  ‘I don’t need to repeat high school.’

  ‘Tell you what,’ I said, and rose to open the door for him. ‘Go up and say hello to Lord Hong for me. After that, the decision is yours.’

  He saluted me, ‘Ma’am,’ and went out.

  ‘Any word from Court Ten?’ I asked Chang.

  ‘You didn’t tell me it was Judge Pao!’ Chang said, raising his hands. ‘He’s a legend. He’s real! He’s really down there!’

  ‘He’s a royal pain in the ass,’ I said. ‘Never met anybody quite so inflexible in my entire life. So any word?’

  ‘The Lion will be back by dinnertime today. The stones will be back in three days, on Thursday. What happened to them?’

  ‘Nothing much. Call my house, tell Monica that Leo will be home for dinner. Invite Michael, his number’s there too. Family reunion. Clear my appointments for Thursday, I’m going demon hunting. Contact the following Masters—write this down.’

  He raised the pencil he was already holding.

  ‘Meredith Liu—you already talked to her. Her husband, Liu Cheng Rong—’

  ‘Wait, wait,’ he said. ‘Wait. Immortals are married? They’re supposed to be celibate and have no emotional attachments.’

  ‘Don’t confuse bodhisattvas with Immortals, particularly Raised Immortals. Immortals can succumb to the pleasures of the Earthly as much as anybody. Their nature once they’re Raised depends entirely upon the way they were Raised—and there’s a number of different ways of going about it. This doesn’t include nature Shen like Xuan Tian, who are a class unto themselves. It’s extremely complicated, and I’ll give you a full explanation later, but right now I need you to contact them for me. Both Lius, the Blue Dragon, the White Tiger; not the Red Phoenix, she has enough on her plate…’

  ‘These gods are real?’

  ‘You acknowledge the Xuan Wu is real and are surprised at the existence of the other three? Also Na Zha—no, don’t bother with Na Zha; I don’t care how good a demon killer he is, he’s too much trouble. Monkey King…nah. Similar. Contact General Ma, Vanguard of the Thirty-Six, ask him how busy the Thirty-Six are right now and if they can spare any of the generals. You getting this?’

  ‘All those gods are real?’

  ‘Chang.’ I leaned on the door. ‘I’ve yet to find a mythological creature that isn’t real.’

  ‘I’m not real,’ the White Tiger said from the other doorway.

  ‘I wish you weren’t,’ I said, and gestured towards my office.

  ‘Who is this, ma’am?’ Chang said. ‘Does he have free passage as well?’

  ‘This is Michael’s father, the White Tiger of the West.’

  ‘Emperor to you, human,’ the Tiger said, his tawny eyes focused on Chang. ‘Don’t get in my way.’

  ‘He’s a devil!’ Chang said, pointing at the Tiger. ‘He eats unborn children and brings bad luck!’

  The Tiger leaned on Chang’s desk and grinned maliciously. ‘You bet your pasty human ass I do. So stay out of my way.’

  ‘Ignore him, Chang, he’s really a big pussycat.’ I gestured with my head. ‘In here, pussycat.’

  ‘I eat humans like him for breakfast,’ the Tiger growled as he followed me into my office, closing the door behind him. He spread his arms wide as I sat at my desk. ‘You love me.’

  ‘Of course I do,’ I said, checking my email. Chang had missed a few, but overall it was a good job. ‘I even give you a cat toy at Christmas.’

  He sat in a visitors’ chair. ‘I solved the problem! I got it wrong—the harness wasn’t for demon horses. I’m going to carry you. Me and the other two cats.’

  I turned to see him. ‘What other two cats?’

  ‘Michael and Leo. We’ll take turns carrying you.’

  ‘Michael’s not Immortal; he can’t survive in a vacuum. Hell, I’m not even sure Leo and Simone can.’

  ‘They can! And I’ve checked Michael, he’s good.’ He leaned on my desk. ‘So when’s the Lion back? We can head out as soon as he returns. The sooner the better.’

  ‘He’s back this evening,’ I said.

  He slapped the table. ‘Tomorrow morning then, first thing. By nightfall tomorrow, you’ll be talking to Nu Wa.’ He leaned back and put his hands behind his head. ‘Fixed.’

  ‘The stones will be back soon and we need to move on the Geek as quickly as possible.’

  ‘When are they back?’

  ‘Three days. Thursday.’

  ‘See? It works out perfectly. Tomorrow, Nu Wa; day after, regroup and prepare; Thursday, Geek; Friday, come to the palace and lounge beside the pool with me. I’ll throw a celebration dinner: Geek gone; Emma able to walk the Celestial on two legs.’

  ‘I’ll talk to Michael and Leo about it over dinner. I’m not sure this is a good time to be rushing off when we’re so close to finding the Geek’s nest.’

  He waved one hand dismissively. ‘It’s a perfect time; you have nothing to do for the next two days otherwise. I’ll come and share dinner with you; thanks for the invite. See you at seven at your little flat.’

  ‘It’s not that little,’ I said, protesting, but he’d already disappeared.

  Chang tapped on the door.

  ‘Enter,’ I said, still checking the emails.

  He came in and put a mug of Ceylon tea on the desk in front of me, then a bundle of papers. ‘You said to bring these in when the Tiger had gone.’

  ‘How did you know he’d gone?’

  ‘I didn’t. The tea was an excuse to check.’

  I sipped it. ‘How did you know how I like it?’

  ‘Lok told me.’

  I nodded. ‘Let’s go through these papers.’

  CHAPTER 23

  I opened the front door of the apartment to find Michael standing there with a young human girl, a slim Chinese, in her early twenties.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I said.

  ‘This is Clarissa. I think it’s about time she learned the truth,’ Michael said. ‘I’m going on a dangerous trek tomorrow and it’s only right that she’s aware of the whole deal.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ I said.

  He nodded grimly and gestured for her to enter.

  I held my hand out to her. ‘Hi, Clarissa, I’m Emma.’

  She shook my hand, her face full of delight, and spoke with a charming American accent. ‘Nice to finally meet you.’

  ‘You’r
e American too?’ I said as I closed the door behind them.

  She nodded. ‘I work in the same place as Michael.’

  Simone came down the hall and stopped when she saw them. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I wondered why you used the front door.’ She nodded to Clarissa. ‘Hi, I’m Simone, Michael’s…sort of…cousin. But not really.’

  ‘Does Michael normally use the servants’ entrance?’ Clarissa said with a laugh.

  ‘Uh, yeah. That’s part of the explanation,’ Michael said. He rubbed the back of his head. ‘Come on through and meet the family.’

  ‘I’ve been wanting to meet you all for a while,’ Clarissa said. ‘Michael’s made up this whole mysterious business about his family, you know? Totally unnecessary.’ She turned to me. ‘Are you his aunt or something?’

  ‘I’m not a blood relative; it’s very complicated,’ I said. ‘Come into the dining room and we’ll talk about tomorrow.’

  Michael shook his head. ‘I want to explain everything,’ he said. ‘All of it.’ He turned to Clarissa. ‘They haven’t had any priming; this is the family straight up, the way they come. Right, Emma?’

  ‘Michael never told us you were coming,’ I said. ‘Michael, are you sure this is a good idea?’

  ‘This is starting to sound very interesting,’ Clarissa said, smiling. ‘I can’t begin to imagine what the big secret is.’

  ‘This is a very bad idea, Michael,’ Simone said, her voice mild. She shrugged. ‘Your dad and Leo are in the dining room already.’

  ‘I get to meet your mysterious father too; this gets better all the time,’ Clarissa said.

  Michael took her arm and guided her towards the dining room; Simone and I followed. As we went in Bai Hu was shouting at Leo, who was glaring at him.

  ‘You are worse than useless against anything that attacks you unless you get yourself trained again, man! Have a sword or a polearm or something made and get some training! Your lion form is very pretty, but fucking useless if a big demon attacks.’ He saw us and waved for us to sit. ‘Get this damn lion some training, Emma; he’s fucking useless as a guard with the damage that’s been done to his memory.’

  Leo raised his hands. ‘I’m getting some training, so leave it already!’

  ‘Well, it’s about time,’ the Tiger growled, then broke into a huge boyish grin when he saw Clarissa. ‘And who’s this lovely one?’

  ‘This is my girlfriend,’ Michael said stiffly. ‘Clarissa, this is my father.’

  The Tiger rose and held his hand out to her. ‘Barry Hu. Lovely to meet you.’

  ‘Clarissa,’ she said, smiling. ‘You don’t look old enough to be Michael’s father.’

  The Tiger sat and waved one hand airily. ‘They all say that. I was young and stupid when we had Michael.’ He gestured for her to sit. ‘So take a seat and tell us all about yourself.’

  She sat next to him, wide-eyed and enraptured. ‘I work with Michael. We went to Harvard together, and took up cadetships at the financial house at the same time.’

  The Tiger changed his appearance so that he was older and less attractive, but she didn’t seem to notice. ‘How much has he told you about us?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Michael said, obviously unhappy. ‘But since we’re going on a dangerous trek tomorrow, I thought it only fair that she knows everything.’

  ‘That’s not really necessary—’ the Tiger began.

  ‘Everything,’ Michael said firmly. ‘The whole thing. You, Leo, Emma, Simone, everything.’

  The Tiger put one hand on the table. ‘Usually we wait until they’ve said yes to a marriage proposal.’

  ‘I want her to know before it gets too serious.’

  ‘What is the big secret anyway?’ Clarissa said, looking around at us, delighted. ‘All of you are spies or something?’

  ‘Why does everybody always assume that?’ I said.

  ‘Because spies deal in secrets as much as we do,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘Not spies then? Aliens?’ she said, amused.

  ‘I wish we were,’ I said, leaning my chin on my hand. ‘It would be easier to explain.’

  ‘Try gods,’ Michael said.

  ‘Gods?’ she repeated, still amused and playing along with the joke.

  ‘Actually, Michael’s father is a god,’ Simone said. ‘My father is too. Michael and I are demi-gods. Leo is a Taoist Immortal.’

  ‘No, that doesn’t work, he’s black,’ she said. ‘Taoist Immortals are definitely Chinese. Try again.’

  ‘It’s the twenty-first century and people are travelling around,’ Leo said. ‘So even though I was originally American, technically speaking I’m a Taoist Immortal.’ He shook his head. ‘Damn, that really does sound strange, doesn’t it?’

  ‘What about you, Emma?’ she said, turning her attention to me. ‘You sound Australian. You’re a…a…what are they called? Binyip?’

  ‘Bunyip!’ Simone said, delighted. ‘Thanks, Clarissa, that clears everything up for me.’

  ‘So let me get this straight,’ Clarissa said. She pointed at Bai Hu. ‘God.’ She gestured around the table. ‘Demi-gods, Taoist Immortal, Bunyip. Is that right? So…’ She leaned on the table and smiled at Michael. ‘What’s the big trek tomorrow? Going to Bunyipland to take some tourist shots?’

  ‘Visiting the goddess Nu Wa in Heaven,’ he said.

  She clapped her hands. ‘Wonderful! Can I come?’

  ‘Told you this was a bad idea,’ Simone said.

  ‘What can we do to prove to you that we’re everything we say we are?’ Michael said.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, something really impressive,’ she said. ‘Change into gods and fly through the heavens?’

  ‘A hundred says that if we change she’ll be a screamer,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘I’m not taking that bet, I happen to agree with you,’ I said.

  ‘That is so rude!’ Simone said.

  ‘Michael, we should call this off now and just have dinner normally,’ I said. ‘Anything we do to prove all of this to Clarissa will freak her out completely, and you’ll probably lose her.’

  ‘I’m right here,’ Clarissa said pointedly.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘But I don’t want to risk what you and Michael have together.’

  ‘She can take it,’ Michael said.

  ‘You’re drug dealers!’ Clarissa said, eyes wide. ‘You’re criminals!’ She rose and put her hands on the table. ‘I don’t believe this of you, Michael!’

  ‘She’s smart and brave and hot as all damn, Three One Five,’ the Tiger said. ‘Wipe her memory and let it go.’

  ‘No!’ Michael said. He slammed one hand on the table. ‘I want to come back to the Celestial, dammit! I want to be Emma’s Retainer again. I want to go to CH and Wudangshan and learn some really advanced stuff. And if I do, she needs to know what I’m involved in.’

  ‘There’s a senior place among the Horsemen if you want to come back,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘Wudangshan,’ Michael said.

  ‘Sit down, Clarissa, we’re not criminals,’ Simone said, sounding tired. ‘Believe it or not we really are gods. Nobody’s going to hurt you, but we may have to scare the living daylights out of you to prove what we’re saying.’ She turned to Michael. ‘You’ll lose her, Mike. Don’t do this to her.’

  Clarissa sat back down and clutched at Michael’s hand. ‘What the hell is going on?’ she said weakly.

  ‘If I return to the Celestial she has to know,’ Michael said. ‘I won’t be able to pretend that I’m living a normal life. Weirdness follows us around like a stray dog. Hell, look at Lok. We’re talking about moving in together, and if she moves into my place—which is the obvious choice if I return to the Celestial—then she’s gonna have to meet that ugly rude mutt. She has to know.’

  ‘When we tell the students, we just introduce them to Gold,’ I said. ‘That’s much easier. What you have here is a whole roomful of teeth and claws. This is not a good idea.’

  ‘Teeth and claws?’ Clarissa said. She clutche
d Michael’s hand tighter and he put one arm protectively around her shoulder.

  ‘Nobody will hurt you here,’ he said gently. ‘This is my family. They may look a bit scary sometimes, but they’re humanity’s greatest champions.’

  ‘Champions?’

  ‘Sworn to protect all humans from the demon horde,’ the Tiger said, his tawny eyes focused on her.

  ‘Demons?’

  ‘At least she’s starting to take it seriously,’ Simone said.

  Michael leaned into her and spoke softly. ‘We can prove that we’re gods. We can change. My father’s a tiger god, and so am I. Simone’s a human god. Leo’s human as well.’

  She thought about it, then smiled broadly. ‘Okay, joke’s gone far enough.’ She took a deep breath, still smiling. ‘I’m starving. Where’s the food?’

  ‘Two hundred she’s a screamer,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘Show her the photo in the hallway to start with,’ Leo said.

  ‘Show her real life,’ I said. ‘Just Bai Hu’s True Form.’

  ‘Not enough room in here,’ the Tiger said, looking around. ‘Living room or training room.’

  Michael rose without letting go of Clarissa’s hand. ‘Come with me, we’ll go to the training room.’ He took her other hand and gazed intensely down at her. ‘Whatever happens, you are in no danger, you understand? Nobody will hurt you here.’

  She rose and studied his face, obviously beginning to wonder.

  ‘He’s right, nobody will hurt you,’ I said. ‘Let’s go.’

  She walked out into the hallway, then stopped and wrinkled her nose. It had begun to rain outside and the humidity had made the smell rise out of the carpet.

  ‘Sorry about the smell,’ Simone said, embarrassed. ‘I brought my horse home to see my room and he piddled all over the carpet. We’ll probably have to replace it, the smell just won’t come out.’

  ‘You brought your horse in here?’ Clarissa said.

  ‘He was only little,’ Simone said.

  ‘Move out for a week or so and replace all the carpet, it’s filthy,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘That’s a good idea,’ Simone said.

  We went into the training room and Clarissa took two alarmed steps back when she saw the weapons.