I Cherish Your Heart

by C. M. King

  It was true I’d been up since six cleaning like a looney, the house didn’t need it, but it was the only thing to distract myself from going crazy and telling Joel what I had done. I knew if I did he would panic so the only thing to do was to surprise him and give him less time to think.

  I’d just finished putting the polish away when the doorbell chimed. Oh god, I felt sick. Joel stood to answer the door thinking it was my mother.

  Another lie.

  “Joel, stop, I have something to tell you before you answer the door.” I bit my lip hard, my eyes flashed to the floor before Joel’s touch brought them back to his loving face.

  “Iz, what’s up?” he asked, looking nervous.

  “I did something for your own good, but I don’t know how you’ll react.”

  His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and then his eyes widened in horror. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

  Oh god.

  He shot me a look of anger. Why the hell had I done this? But it needed to be done, I had to stay strong and get him over this next hurdle.

  “Joel, Bill and Joan, your mother’s parents are here, I called them. They are here to meet you, to get to know you.”

  He flinched at my touch. “Iz, I can’t, just send them away.”

  “Joel,” I pleaded. He needed to do this even if I had to push him off the edge.

  I moved past him, and his hand grabbed me, clinging on for dear life. “Don’t do this, please, I’m begging you.”

  “You’ve got to trust me on this one, Joel.”

  I pulled away and walked to the front door where I could see two figures retreating down the drive. “Hello,” I quickly shouted, and they both turned in surprise and smiled in relief.

  “Are you, Izzy?” Bill enquired and I smiled, seeing the older man who held a strong resemblance to Joel staring back.

  “I am,” I sighed. “I’ve just told him. He’s a little shaken up, so please don’t be too offended if he’s taken aback by you. It’s my fault I should have told him earlier, but I was scared what his reaction would be. Please come in.”

  I ushered them both in closing the door behind and said a silent prayer that I hadn’t totally ruined everything. I walked through to find Joel stood there, clutching Ruby while Bill and Joan stood in complete shock, staring at the grandchild they hadn’t seen in over eighteen years.

  Joel’s eyes flashed to mine and then back to each of theirs, I knew he had gone into complete meltdown and I had to step in.

  “Bill, Joan, this is Joel, I know it’s been a long time.”

  “I forgot how much he has her eyes,” Joan whispered, slowly walking forward, her hand outstretched to Joel. He hesitated, and I walked forward, taking Ruby from him so Joan could take a closer look. She grabbed hold of his hand, clutching it tight while her other hand reached up to cup his face. Joel bent down, slowly making up the distance as a tear rolled down his cheek.

  “Oh my dear precious boy, we’ve waited so long for this day, seeing you now is the best present we could have asked for.” She broke into a sob, pulling Joel into her arms as they both cried for everything they had lost. So much wasted time, my heart broke at the sight of them, knowing Joel had missed out on so much.

  Bill pulled me in beside him, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “My dear girl, you are an angel, thank you for bringing our family together again. We lost everything that day. Our hearts broke when Linda died, but to lose Joel too. We tried everything to see him but John was so vindictive. He always hated us and stopping Joel from seeing us was one of the most spiteful things he has ever done. We missed out on so much, but we won’t miss out on a moment longer.” He gently placed a soft kiss against my cheek before walking forward, pulling Joel into a hug while Joan continued to softly cry beside him.

  I walked through into the kitchen, placing Ruby in her basket to prepare a round of tea. I was busy arranging all the cups on the tray when a strong pair of arms pulled me back into their hard chest, his lips gently nuzzled my ear. “Thank you, Iz, for being you, for doing this, for pushing me. I needed this. I wouldn’t have done it on my own.”

  I quickly turned around in surprise. “So you don’t hate me?” The look he had given me before opening the door would stay with me forever.

  “God no, I was scared, so damn scared, but you did this out of love, how could I hate you for it? You gave me back my family. You showed me that I have people that love me, that I wasn’t alone. They don’t hate me like I thought they would.”

  “How could they hate you, Joel?”

  He looked away unable to speak, tears brimming in his eyes. “They love you, that’s all they’ve ever known love, not hate. Your dad wanted you to believe that so you would be tortured by the guilt. You can see it there in front of you that they love you so much. Go back in and spend time with them, get to know them and try to make up for all those lost years.”

  He smiled like he couldn’t quite believe my words, that he had family that loved him unconditionally. It broke my heart to see a flash of bewilderment, but I knew more walls had been knocked down today. He was now building relationships with his family, ones I hoped would strengthen and allow strong bonds to form.

  “I’d better get back, but don’t be long, okay? Oh and Bill said to bring extra cake.” He winked and I could tell he was clearly joking, but it was just good to see a smile on that beautiful face of his.

  “Yeah, you mean more cake for you. You can’t lie to me, baby, I know you. You can’t hide your love of sweet things, I see it in your eyes.” I shook my head in amusement, turning back to slice the cake.

  I smiled, feeling his mouth against my ear. “I love how you know me so well, you know me better than I know myself.”

  “You got that right, and you’ll do well to remember that.”

  He held up his hands, backing out of the room. “Baby, I’m hardly likely to forget.”

  I grinned, turning around, pouring the tea and finishing off loading up the cake and biscuits on the plate. Today was going to be an afternoon to remember.

  * * *

  For most people when their family drag out photo albums it’s the most cringe worthy thing in the world, having people look over your embarrassing baby pictures. But for Joel it was that part of his childhood he’d never had. When he was old enough to look through photographs, they had disappeared along with the rest of his mother’s things, hidden by the selfishness of his own dad. So today was an exception, it was like piecing together parts of Joel’s life that had been left with a gaping hole after the death of his mother.

  He was sat in between Bill and Joan as they poured over endless baby photos of him and his mother together. He remained silent throughout, just staring in complete awe at the beautiful pictures of them both together. It was a lot to take in, and I could see he was overwhelmed by it all. I caught him swiping away a tear every now and then. I was sat in the chair opposite just quietly observing, stroking Ruby as Bill and Joan told him endless tales about his mother’s wild antics growing up, and how she changed the moment Joel was born. How she then turned into a mother that was so fiercely protective of her child, but we knew that already. Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached, wishing she could have still been around today to see the son she adored and loved before her.

  I made my excuses and left to go to the bathroom and sobbed, crying for every second he had lost of her love growing up. After several minutes and several splashes of water to the face, I retreated to the kitchen to make sandwiches and a fresh round of tea.

  “Hey, what are you doing in here?” Joel asked, stood looking anxious in the doorway while I busied myself buttering the bread.

  “Well, I’ve got to keep the guests happy, and I know your stomach won’t be far off rumbling.” I tried to make a joke lightening the mood, but I knew he wasn’t quite convinced.

  He walked over, lifting my chin, scrutinising my face. “Have you been crying?” he asked softly, his eyes looked pained to see me like this.r />
  I playfully batted his fingers away, quickly turning around. “No, it’s my hay fever playing up again. I was out in the garden before and forgot to take my tablets.” I threw over my shoulder hoping he’d buy the lie.

  He pulled me back into his chest, his arms wrapped around my front as he buried his face into my hair. “Intense day, huh?”

  I chuckled softly. “You could say that.”

  “Thank you for everything,” he whispered, pressing a kiss against my hair. My eyes were brimming with tears that I didn’t want him to see.

  I squeezed his hand gently in a silent reply. “I think you need to go back in and entertain our guests.”

  “Oh trust me, Ruby’s doing a fine job, you know how she is loving being the centre of attention.”

  “Oh doesn’t she just.” But I loved how she was a mood breaker, helping to lighten the day with her sweet little antics.

  “Remember the chocolate cake,” Joel reminded me as I rolled my eyes.

  Him and his sweet tooth.

  “I know, Joel. I’m surprised it’s still there, and you haven’t demolished it already.”

  “Trust me I thought about it, but I need to maintain my physique to keep my sexy girl happy.”

  “Oh well she must mean a lot to you to forgo your chocolate addiction, huh?”

  “She means the world to me.”

  “Lucky girl,” I added, smiling at the joke.

  “No, I think I’m the lucky one.” He turned me around to face him, quickly pressing his lips against mine. I moaned my approval and pulled him in tighter as we both got lost in the moment. I pulled back with a smile only to find Joel’s eyes locked on the chocolate cake.

  “Joel.” I batted his chest playfully and a smile stretched across his face. “A guy has other needs too.” He winked before lifting up the tray.

  “Try to let our guests have at least one piece.”

  “I’m not promising anything.” He chuckled, walking through with the tray overloaded with sandwiches and cake that he and Bill would soon demolish.

  * * *

  The next few hours flew by and after many pots of tea and slices of cake, I think we had officially worn out Bill and Joan as they began to pack away their things ready to leave.

  “We have this for you, Joel,” Joan said, pressing the square present into his hands. “Open it when you’re ready.”

  Joel smiled silently nodding, bending down to let Joan kiss his cheek. “Thanks, Joan.” He softly smiled, but her face frowned slightly.

  “I know it might be too soon, but when you were little and used to visit with your mum, you would always call me Nan, it’s just been so long . . . sorry, I’m being silly of course you won’t want to.”

  “Hey,” Joel soothed, drawing her into a hug. “I would love to. I remember being so jealous of all the other kids at school, they had everything I didn’t . . . so yes, I want to. Thanks for today, Nan.”

  Joan softly cried into his chest, eventually pulling away, touching his face softly as he closed his eyes. “I see so much of Linda in you, at first it was your eyes, they are the exact shape and colour, it’s almost like seeing my daughter again. But spending time with you, you have the same caring nature, the way you smile and move it’s like so much of her lives on in you. Today has been a good day.” She patted his cheek lightly and he smiled, holding her hand. They held each other’s gaze for a moment longer before Bill moved in for a hug.

  “Now I’m not much of a hugger, but with you I’ll make the exception. It’s been too long and as your Nan says today has been a good day. One I’ll always remember, and if we’re talking about names I’d like to be your Gramps again.”

  Joel shook his head in agreement; emotion taking over that he wasn’t quite ready to speak just yet.

  “You know you could stay here? We have the room, you could cancel the hotel,” I offered, feeling bad they were leaving when we had the extra room to accommodate them.

  Bill smiled, pulling me into a hug. “Darling, we wouldn’t want to impose. You young ones need your space, we should know, we were young once too.” He gave Joan a wink, and she blushed.

  “Bill.”

  “Joel, if you ever need any tips I have valuable information to pass on that will help you out of those sticky situations.” Bill winked at him. Oh yes, there was no mistaking they were definitely related.

  “Bill, stop corrupting the boy,” Joan scolded, rolling her eyes smiling at me. I could tell she was equally enjoying the banter while trying to rein Bill in.

  “I think they’re like two peas in a pod,” I remarked, smiling at the two men stood before me.

  “Couldn’t agree more.” Bill grinned and patted Joel on the back. “Couldn’t be any prouder. We’re here for the next few days if you want to meet up?” He hesitated, looking unsure, but Joel quickly smiled back.

  “Would love to show you my local and where I work. First one is on the house.”

  Bill’s face broke out into one almighty grin. “Now you’re talking. Right, best be going, give your old Nan a kiss.”

  Joel smiled, bending down as she pulled him in for a hug, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. “My beautiful boy.”

  Joel blushed as he stood up, and then I was quickly dragged into a hug with an equal share of kisses. I stepped back, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Joel walked them both down the path while I tended to Ruby.

  I was just beginning to tidy up when Joel came back in, I’d barely got any words out before his mouth sought out mine, and he lifted me into his arms.

  Ruby barked beside us as I laughed in confusion. “Joel . . . what are you doing?

  “I’m taking you upstairs.”

  “But what about Ruby?” Who was now halfway climbing up Joel’s leg to get at us, he sighed, dropping me down.

  “Pick her up, she can come too.” She more than eagerly leapt into my arms as Joel lifted me back up, making our way up the stairs to our room.

  He lowered me onto the bed and Ruby jumped out of my arms, now skipping around the bed in excitement. He hovered over me before placing a soft, sweet kiss against my lips.

  I pulled back slightly in confusion. “Joel, we can hardly do anything with Ruby here.”

  He smiled at my words. “I didn’t bring you here for that.”

  “You didn’t?” I asked frowning, feeling suddenly deflated.

  “Are you disappointed?” He chuckled looking at my face.

  “Kind of.”

  He kissed his way along my jaw as his lips nuzzled against my ear. “Baby, I will rock your world later, but now I just want to hold you.”

  My face dropped at his words. “Are you okay?”

  He manoeuvred himself so he was now lying beside me. “I think so, I just need this time out to lay back and let it all soak in.”

  “Do you want to be on your own? We can leave you in peace.” I made to move away, but he grabbed me, pulling me down beside him.

  “No, I need you here with me, Iz. You are the calm in my storm. You bring me so much relief just having you here. I need you baby, stay with me.”

  “Joel, there is no other place I want to be.” I snuggled into his chest while his fingers soothingly stroked my hair. Ruby eventually settled down, flopping down beside us as Joel gently curled his arm around her.

  “This is what I need, both my girls.”

  I smiled, kissing his jaw, placing my cheek on his chest once more. Ruby let out a small yawn before she softly sighed. There was nowhere else I wanted to be.

  * * *

  I awoke to complete darkness and an empty bed, the cold sheet sat pooled beside me. Ruby was still curled up in her basket, snuggled into her teddy as I crept out the room in search of Joel. The faint glow streamed out into the hallway, I crept through to find Joel curled up on the sofa with a picture frame in his hand. The crumpled paper that sat beside him was enough to indicate it was the gift Joan had handed to him earlier.

  “Hey, I was wondering where you’d gone,” I said,
sitting down slowly trying to gauge his reaction. I didn’t want to think I was intruding a private moment.

  His sad eyes flicked up to mine as I watched a lowly tear roll down his cheek. “I opened Joan’s gift.” He smiled softly before handing me the frame.

  I gasped the moment I saw it. It was beautiful. It was a picture of Joel who must have been about a year old in his mother’s arms. His small hand was placed lovingly against her cheek while they both stared deep into each other’s eyes, their smiles conveying the true love they held inside. Just one picture spoke a thousand words. I could tell from Joel’s tears that the picture had done its job in making him believe that his mother’s love for him truly did run deep.

  “Joel, it’s perfect, are you okay?” I asked, looking concerned.

  His fingers laced with mine, manoeuvring me over onto his lap. “It’s just been so overwhelming but yes, I feel much lighter, like this weight I’ve carried around for so long has slowly evaporated. It’s almost like I’m free of the past.” He smiled, and I could no longer see the guilt that always seemed present in his eyes the moment his mother was brought up.

  “The guilt should never have been put on you in the first place. I guess it was your dad’s way of turning his grief into hatred. I hate him for doing that to you.” I despised the man and was only grateful that he was now no longer a part of our lives.

  “Iz, he lost the love of his life, he should have been mad.”

  My eyes widened at his words. “Yes, but to put the blame on you? He should have been mad at the fact that life can be cruel and that sometimes bad things happen. Not place all the blame on his baby boy, to let you carry that around for the last eighteen years. Look at this picture, how much love you can feel in that one shot. God, Joel, she loved you with all her heart. Please take all the good things from today, keep them in mind when the darker days come and you feel the need to sink back into your old ways. Just remember how we all love you so very much.”