"Billie said family. If you consider yourself family, I guess so."
'*You're so cold, Fanny. This isn't like you."
'*You don't know the first thing about me. Ash. You have no clue as to how bad you hurt me and the kids. You stomp us. You come in like a storm trooper, you pummel us, and then you go away. We try to gather our lives together and just when we start to make it hsip-pen you come back and do it all over again."
"I'm not going to do it again. You have my word. I swear, Fanny, I'll work night auid day to make it up to you and the kids. I won't give you one moment of grief I'm going to dedicate myself to this family."
"Do I dare ask what brought about this miraculous change?" Fanny asked, an ice-cold edge to her voice. She'd heard it all before, a hundred times, a thousand times.
"I told you, it happened when I saw the boys getting ready to leave. All of a sudden they were grown-up, as tall as me, young men. I asked myself where did all the years go, and I had no answer. I'll come up next weekend and we can sit and talk. I'll abide by your decision."
"Good-bye, Ash."
Fanny waited until she was certain Ash was really driving away, then she ran back to the studio and, with fumbling hands, threw the dead bolt. In a frenzy she pulled the drapes and turned on all the lights. Hugging her arms close to her chest, she started to shiver. In her life she'd never been so cold. She untangled her arms long enough to throw two huge logs on the fire. She slid to the floor beside one of the red chairs and rocked back and forth, shivering.
Hours later, when the room was stifling hot, Fanny walked on stiff legs over to the litde kitchen, where she made a pot of coffee. She drank it all and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. She wanted to call someone, someone who would listen and not judge her, but there was no such person. She longed for a dog that was hers alone, a dog she could talk to, who would listen and watch her with dark, adoring eyes. Two dogs, so they could keep each other company. A friend who would sleep at the foot of her lonely bed, a fHend who would welcome her when she came in, a friend who would take long walks with her. "Someone to love me unconditionally," she whispered.
If she wanted to, she could call Simon. She'd told him to get a dog and a cat. Maybe she needed to take her ovm advice.
Was it possible for someone like Ash to change? Did age mellow a person? Was Ash sincere? The best years for her young family were gone. What good would it do any of them to patch things up? The children were accustomed to a one-parent household. Going back with Ash would change her life and their lives too.
Fanny curled up in one of the red chairs. She cradled her head in the crook of her arm and was instantly asleep. When she woke hours later, there were tears on her lashes. She made more coffee and drank it all. She moved about the studio like a robot as she tidied up her work area, her eye going to the note reminding her of her legal appointment. What to do?
Fanny showered and climbed beneath the covers. Maybe tomorrow things would be more clear. Maybe . ..
Ash's steps were hesitant when he walked away from his parked car, his eyes wary as he watched Fanny on the front steps. He stood quite still at the bottom of the steps, his eyes level with his wife's, since she was sitting on the top step. "It's a nice day, isn't it?"
"A lovely day."
"Is it a day for a new beginning or an ending?"
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Fanny waited a long time before she answered. She probably would have waited longer if she hadn't seen the tears in her husband's eyes. "I called the kids. I ^ow this is my decision, but they have a voice, too, and I wanted to hear it. They all said, and this is a direct quote, 'No, don't let him come back.' " Her heart thumped in her chest when she saw Ash's shoulders slump. "I have to admit, their answer surprised me. Children as a rule are very forgiving. I guess I underestimated how deeply you hurt them. They went on to say whatever I decide to do, it will be all right with them. I'm willing. Ash, to try one more time. But with certain provisions. You need to hear them all before you decide if you want to stay or not.
"First, I have an appointment this week with an attorney in town to file for divorce. I'm going to go ahead and have him draw up the papers, but I'm going to tell him not to file those papers. That's because I don't believe you, Ash. I don't trust you, either. I'm agreeing to do what you propose because I don't ever want to have to look back and say, maybe I should have, why didn't I at least try one more time. I don't want that to happen. This is what /propose. Yes, you can move back here to Sunrise. You can try and act like the father you are when the girls come home on weekends. We can interact the way husbands and wives do, but I will not sleep with you. Not now. We may never go back to being husband and wife in the true sense of the word. Regardless, I expect you to be faithful. I suppose you're going to view this as punishment. I don't much care. Whatever you expect from me will have to be earned. I'm not comfortable with this at all. One last thing, and I want your word, Ash, that you understand: my studio is off-limits. Someday that may change. For now, it's what it is."
"I agree to everything. You have my word. I'm bound to make mistakes. Mistakes can be fixed, Fanny. Will you agree to that?"
Fanny digested the words. She nodded.
"Is it okay to bring my stuff into the house? You won't regret this, Fanny. I want to be open and right up front with you. I don't blame you for not trusting me and not believing anything I've said. I won't let you down, I promise. Look, would you like to go for a walk after I lug this stuff in?"
"Sure."
"You would?" There was such surprise in Ash's voice that Fanny smiled.
"Of course. I get lonely, Ash. Days go by sometimes when I don't talk to a soul, not even to Chue."
"You know what, Fanny, I get lonely too. I don't expect you to believe me, but I'm going to tell you anyway, I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. I don't know why that is. It is. Let's include pumpkin picking down at Mr. Ogden's ranch. You have to pay for the pumpkins, but that's okay. We can make jack-o'-lanterns tonight. Remember how we used to do that?"
Of course she remembered, but she wasn't going to admit it. It was safer that way. "Vaguely," she said shortly. "While you're taking your things in, I'll put on my hiking boots. I'll meet you here by the front steps."
"Are the girls coming after supper or before?"
"Actually, Ash, they aren't coming at all. They're going to your mother's for the weekend. Su Li just came back from a trip to China with her husband and she brought presents for them. Chue and his family are going dov^oi too."
"Why aren't we going?"
"We weren't invited," Fanny said quiedy.
"Oh. Don't you mean /wasn't invited?"
"No, that's not what I mean. We were not indted," Fanny said.
"If you want to go, it's okay, Fanny. Resdly."
"Ash Thornton!" Farmy screamed. "Listen to what I said. I said we were not invited. Your mother does not include me in all her plans. You need to start listening when I say something. It won't work otherwise. I'm not trying to be hard-nosed about this, but part of our problem is you never listened to me. Obviously you thought I never had anything important to say. You like to hear yourself talk to the exclusion of all else."
Ash turned from one of his many trips up the stairs to stare at his wife. "Do I really do that? I'm sorry, Fanny. You might be bringing me up short for quite a while until I get the hang of things."
"I can do this. I will do this," Fanny muttered over and over as she made her way to the studio. On her way back to the front of the house she kept muttering, "I don't want to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I have to do this, I will do this. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could."
Fanny wanted to laugh when she saw her husband walk out of the house. Then she did laugh. The impeccable Ash Thornton in flannel shirt and blue jeans and baseball cap. "I never saw you dressed like that."
"This is how I look every day at the ranch. With the exception of the boots.
I wear rubber boots at the ranch because of all the chicken
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p)Oop. Now that you mention it, I guess I do look peculiar." His voice was good-natured.
"Tell me again, Ash, why we're doing this? Halloween is over."
"Thanksgiving is coming. You used to decorate the front porch with bales of straw, scarecrows, and pumpkins. We're going to do the same thing. After Thanksgiving we'U get out all the Christmas things and do up the front porch. There's a specialty store in town that has big straw reindeer. They even have a sleigh. If things work out between us, Fanny, I'm going to play Santa this year. You still have my suit, don't you?"
"It's in the attic." . "Mazie said you didn't give her instructions for dinner so I took the liberty of asking her to roast a chicken and to make giblet gravy. I brought some chickens Dad packed in ice. That was okay, wasn't it?"
"You already did it, so I guess it has to be okay. I normally don't eat a big dinner anymore."
"You were always a big eater, Fanny. A good eater as I recall. Mealtimes are very important, you shouldn't skimp."
"I guess it was all that criticism you heaped on me about my weight. I changed my earing habits. I starved myself for a while. It wasn't a good time in my life, Ash."
"I'm sorry, truly sorry."
"Why don't we make a pact not to bring up the past. You're going to get weary saying you're sorry and I'm going to get tired of throwing things in your face. Today is today, not yesterday. We're going forward. It might not work for us, Ash. Both of us need to be prepared."
"If it doesn't, it won't be for lack of trying on my part. How about you?"
"I'll react to you. It's all I'm willing to do, Ash. I'm sorry if that's not the answer you want or expect."
"It's good enough for now."
"I want your word that you won't crowd me, pressure me, or take advantage of me."
"You have my word." His voice was solemn, his face serious. Fanny found herself cringing inwardly. She'd heard it ail before.
Fanny snapped the locks on her suitcase. She looked around to see if she'd forgotten anything. She felt uneasy for some reason and
couldn't %ure out why. It couldn't be the trip to Texas because she'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Ash was doing everything he'd promised and more. She was actually enjoying his company. If he wasn't a perfect husband, he was at least a model one. Maybe it was because Simon was taking the boys skiing in Colorado over Thanksgiving—a plan that was formulated, according to Birch and Sage, after he found out Ash was living at Sunrise again. She shrugged. It wasn't Simon. It wasn't the girls, either. What was it? She looked around, expecting an answer to fly in front of her. When it didn't happen, she sat down on the edge of the bed—the bed she was now sharing with Ash.
There were no sparks, no shower of stars, no passion. Pure and simple, she pretended. And she ached. She'd tried everything she could think of, even fantasized, but she wasn't able to release the years of ye2miing and longing. "It is what it is," she murmured to herself.
Fanny closed her eyes and roll-called the prior days. Ash got up, they had breakfast together, he kissed her good-bye, he drove down the mountain, she walked across the yard to her studio. At four-thirty. Ash 2irrived home, they'd go for a walk, talk about their day, have a drink, eat dinner, read or play a game of chess. Regardless of the weather, they'd take another walk around the yard before turning in. She should remember how it happened that she ended up in bed with her husband, but she couldn't. She had agreed to go upstairs with him. When the realization hit her that she no longer loved Ash, she'd been stunned and had cried for days. Now she was committed to a loveless marriage, and it was her own fault.
Candlelight dinners, a fresh rose from the greenhouse, small gifts, hand-holding—she'd accepted it all with a smile and tried harder. How was it possible that Ash couldn't see through her? Fanny sighed.
The nagging feeling that something, somewhere, was wrong stayed with her as she checked Ash's luggage. Sunny and BiUie's bags were already downstairs by the front door. Her womsuily intuition, her sixth sense, stayed with her as she walked downstairs to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. She had another hour before it was time to drive down the mountain to the airport to meet Ash, who would then fly the family to Texas in the Thornton plane.
More jittery than before, possibly due to the strong black coffee, Fanny picked up the phone to call her sons. After much shouting
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and yelling on the other end, she finally heard Birch's voice. "Mom! What's up?"
"Nothing really. I just wanted to let you know we'll be leaving within the hour. If you need me, you can call me in Texas. I wanted to be sure you had the number. What time is Simon picking you up?"
"He's here now, downstairs in the lobby. The flight leaves out of Philadelphia in an hour. I won't forget to call you the minute we get back to the dorm. Uncle Simon is bringing some lady with him. Her name is Kathryn. Hey, Mom, you still there?"
"Yes . . . I .. . I'm still here. That's nice," she managed to say. Kathryn. That would certainly explain her uneasiness today. "Well, have a good time. Say hello to your Uncle Simon for me. Give Sage a hug and have him hug you for me. I love you."
"Love you too."
Fanny poured the rest of her coffee down the sink. She called for the girls. "Let's leave now, I don't like the way the sky looks."
"Those clouds look like dirty melted marshmallows. Is that descriptive. Mom?" BiUie asked.
"I suppose so, but couldn't you come up with something better?"
"I'll work on it. Actually, Mom, if you really look at them they look like Sage's dirty sweat socks."
"Why not a flock of gray mourning doves?" Sunny grunted as she lugged her mother's suitcase to the front door.
Ten minutes later. Sunny stuck her head in the door and yelled, "Everything's in the trunk. Everyone think, did we forget anything?"
"Phone's ringing," Billie said.
"Then answer it. It's probably Dad," Sunny said.
"Tell him we're leaving right now,'" Fanny said, gathering up her purse and scarf
"It's Grandma," Billie said. "I think something's wrong. She's cry-ing."
Fanny grabbed for the phone. "Sallie, what's wrong?" She listened, her eyes growing wide. "It's going to be all right. We're on our way. We'll meet you there. We were ready to walk out the door. Fifty minutes and we'll be there. Maybe sixty, I have to call Texas. Listen to me, Sallie, it's going to be all right. I'm hanging up, Sal-lie."
"Philip . . . your grandfather is in the hospital," she told the girls. "They think . . . they aren't sure . . . but there are indications he's had a stroke. That certainly doesn't mean he's going to die. Stroke victims recover and lead very productive lives. We aren't going to
... to think negative thoughts. Bring our luggage back inside while I call Texas and then we'll leave for the hospital."
An hour and ten minutes later, Fanny and her children walked into the private suite at the Thornton Medical Center. Sallie was sitting alone in a gray chair, smoking, tears rolling down her cheeks. **I don't want this curette, Fanny. I must have lit twenty of them just to have something to do. Ash is on his way to the airport, they're trying to reach him. Red brought Philip in about two hours ago. He was in the turkey pen and they attacked him. No one really knows what happened to him. Su Li and John Noble are with him. Su li brought in two specialists. Everything that can be done is being done."
"Do you want me to call Devin, Sallie?"
"God, no! He can't come here, surely you realize that, Fanny."
Fanny wanted to say, at this point, does it matter, but she didn't She nodded. "How about if I drive the girls over to your house, Sallie."
"Do they want to go?"
"I don't know. It might be better for them. There's nothing they can do here. I can call them every hour or so. I'll tell them to bake some cookies or brownies for Philip. It will make them feel like they're doing something important. Sunny will
see right through it, but she'U do it for BiUie."
"If you feel it's best for them, okay. What if he dies, Fanny?"
"He isn't going to die, Sallie. You can't think like that. Philip is strong, he's got a long life ahead of him."
"I should have spent more time with him. I should have been kinder to him."
"Sallie, you can't undo the past. You and Philip did what you had to do. It worked for both of you."
"It worked for me. It never worked for Philip. I know that in my heart. He was ... is such a good pretender. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I did this to Philip. I did."
"You did no such thing. I don't want to hear you say such things. You can't blame yourself. You've been with Devin for edmost twenty years. Those early years ... if something was going to happen, it would have happened then. This is not your fault, Sallie."
"Call Devin and tell him for me. Be sure he doesn't come here. I couldn't handle that. Someone should have come out by now to tell us how things are going. It's been so long."
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"Fanny, Mom," Ash said, his face white. "I came as soon as I heard. How is he?"
"We don't know," Sallie said.
"We're waiting. It's all we can do. Do me a favor, Ash, take the girls to Sallie's and tell them to bake some cookies and brownies for Philip. They need to keep busy. I don't want them here if... if things change. Please, Ash."
"What about Simon? We need to call him."
Fanny looked at her watch. "He's airborne. I can call the airport in Colorado and leave a message. I doubt if he can get here before morning unless he charters a private plane."
It was eight o'clock before Su Li and John Noble came into the waiting room. Su Li wrapped Sallie in her arms. "The bad news is, Philip has had a stroke. The good news is he is alive and in stable condition. We'll know more in the morning. He's in the Intensive Care Unit and has his own private nurse."
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