"He's being monitored very closely," John Noble said quietiy. "This is an early opinion on my part, but I think with therapy, Phihp will mend. He won't be quite the same old Philip, but he'll still be with us. The alternative isn't something we even want to think about. I'm going to let you see him through the glass, and then I want you to go home. Su Li and I will stay here through the night."
"I don't want to go home," Sallie muttered. "Things . . . things happen in hospitals."
"I didn't ask you if you wanted to go home, Sallie. I told you to go home. There's a difference."
"This is my medical center," Sallie said.
"I know. It makes no difference. There's nothing you can do for Philip, and you'll just be miserable sitting here. If you would rather get another doctor..."
"No. I'm sorry. You're right. I want to see him."
"Of course you do. Come with me."
Fanny thought her heart would break when she heard Sallie whisper, "I'm here, Philip. I'm so sorry. I'm here." She tapped lighdy with the tips of her nails on the window. "Please, Philip, if you can, let me know that you know I'm here. I can't leave otherwise. I'm going to make this up to you, Philip, I swear I am." When there was no response from the still figure in the bed, Sallie turned away, her shoulders shaking with uncontrollable sobs.
"He moved his hand, Sallie. I saw him," Fanny lied.
Sallie whirled around, her hands pressing up against the window.
"I'll make it right, Philip. I will. I truly will." Her voice was a hoarse whisper that only Fanny heard.
Fanny held back to allow Ash to put his arm around his mother's shoulder. Sallie leaned heavily against her son. Maybe something good would come of this tragedy. Fanny felt saddened that the tragedy was Philip's condition. She felt as if cement blocks were tied to her ankles as she trailed behind Sallie and Ash.
In the parking lot, Fanny stood aside as Ash helped his mother into the car. When she saw movement out of the comer of her eye, she turned to see Devin Rollins. She shook her head slightly before she climbed into the car. At that moment she didn't know who she felt more sorry for, Sallie or Devin.
The days and weeks dragged on. The children returned to school and college, only to pack up for the Christmsis holidays. Sallie insisted Fanny return to Sunrise to take care of her family the day her sister Peggy arrived. Ash took control of the R & R Ranch with a great deal of fear and trepidation. He later expressed his opinion that no one could fill his father's shoes, but he was going to do the best he could. Simon flew in for one day, arriving early in the morning and leaving late in the afternoon when he realized there was nothing he could do for his mother or his father. Fanny was devastated that she'd missed Simon by fifteen minutes, so devastated she cried for hours in the privacy of her studio. Another small piece of her life had been chipped away.
Three days before Christmas, Sallie brought Philip home from the hospital and up to Sunrise, the one place he loved above aU else. Fanny stood on the steps to welcome them, a smile on her face. The urge to cry was so great when Philip tried vainly to smile in return that Fanny bit down on her lower lip and tasted her own blood. Sallie wiped at the drool on Philip's chin and adjusted the pillow behind his neck so his head wouldn't loll to one side.
Fanny ran down the steps and hugged Philip, babbling eis she did so. "I didn't know there was such a thing," she said, indicating the specially equipped van with the electronic device that lowered and raised Philip's wheelchair. The chair itself was motorized; maybe someday Philip would have the use of at least one of his arms and be able to maneuver himself around.
The month of hospital care, with intravenous feedings, had taken its toll on Philip. He was thin to the point of being emaciated. He
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muttered something Famiy could only guess at. The children used to talk like this when they were first learning words, she thought. Behind the chair, SaUie mouthed the words, "SaUie promised to fatten me up." "If anyone can fatten you up it's SalHe, Philip." He struggled to smile. Salhe again wiped at the drool with a lace-edged handkerchief Philip uttered another word. Sallie mouthed the word, mashed. "I make real good mashed potatoes, Phihp. Sometimes I put turnips in them, lots of butter and salt and pepper. You're going to love my mashed potatoes."
"Let's get you in by the fire, Philip," Salhe said.
"Chue installed the ramp by the back door. He finished it yesterday. He even put hand rails up for you, Phihp. He did a good job."
SalHe walked into the kitchen hours later. "He's sleeping on the sofa. He hates the chair. It's difficult for me to get him in and out of it."
"Sallie, why didn't you call me? He's too heavy for you. Chue's in the greenhouse. You look exhausted."
"I am, but in other ways I feel exhilarated. I can fmally do something for Phihp. I'm heartsick that this is what it is, though. I wish I could do more. He seems to panic when I'm out of his sight."
"'ou need to get a male nurse, Salhe. You'll kill yourself. I'm more than willing, but even with the two of us, it's going to take its toll. Chue isn't exacdy robust."
"Right after Christmas, a male nurse and a therapist will come in by the day. Phihp understands. We used sign language a lot in the beginning. It was the only way I had of knowing if he truly understood what I was saying. He gets frustrated easily. Don't say it, Fanny, I know how hard it's going to be. I'm prepared. I see doubt on your face. Trust me, I can handle this. I'm so grateful, Fanny, that you want us to stay here."
"Salhe, this will always be your home, but Philip is consuming your life. If you have help, it might be easier. You cannot allow another person to take over your life. If you do, you will cease to be who you are. This might not be any of my business, but what are you going to do about Devin? He's called hundreds of time. He deserves some kind of response from you, Sallie."
"I know that. I was sitting at the hospital the other day and I remembered the year Philip told me to go to Devin on Christmas Eve. He gave me permission to go and then he called Devin and told him I was on the way. I tried so hard, Fanny, to love Philip the way he wanted to be loved. The feeling wasn't there. I couldn't manufac-
ture something I didn't feel, the way you're doing with Ash. I -was honest with Philip from the beginning. I never, ever, lied to him. Not once. I won't lie to him now, either. But, to answer your question, I will arrange a meeting with Devin after the holidays. Ever since this happened, I seem to play that game called, 'do you remember' with myself"
"I play the same game, Sallie. The past is past. We can't bring it back and we can't change it."
"I know Ash. So do you. It's difficult to change. Listen, I want to ask how you feel about something. Would you have any objection to my building a cottage at the bend in the road? Not too close to Chue's house and not too far from this one. Just four or five rooms with a kitchen and a special bath for Philip. A nice wide front porch with a ramp. A garden on the side and flowers in the front. Philip loves to watch things grow. I think that was why he did so well with the chickens. He got them as chicks and nurtured them along. I hate those damn turkeys. Philip was full of bites from head to toe. It's a good thing Red got him out. She let those turkeys go, all of them. God only knows where they went. That's all Philip was worried about. What happened to the turkeys? I told him the truth."
"But, why, Sallie? We have all the room in the world right here. I won't interfere, and Ash is only home in the evenings. The Primrose School made the weekends so full and interesting the girls hardly ever come home. The twins won't be home till summer. Right now it might seem a little noisy and crowded, but that will change the day after New Year's."
"I think a separate house will be best. As Philip progresses, and I'm certain he will progress, he's going to want some small measure of privacy. It's not this house that he loves, it's the mountain. Right now he doesn't much care about anything. At least that's my perception. John and Su Li both said he's going to get stronger with each day. I'm hopeful he'll be much improved by s
pring, when the cottage will be done. I've spoken with a building contractor and he assures me he can put it up in three months, possibly sooner if the weather holds, but I wanted to talk with you first. Do you need to speak with Ash?"
"I don't need to, but I will. I know he'll be in agreement."
"Is Simon coming for Christmas?"
Fanny sucked in her breath at the mention of Simon's name. "I sent him a note and invited him. He didn't respond. I suppose it's possible he called the boys, but I doubt it."
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"Simon usually goes some place where it's warm for the holidays. As a child he loved Christmas, more so than Ash."
"Maybe he wants to be invited by you, his mother. Did you ever think of that, SaUie?"
"Really. Are you saying I should invite my son? The door is always open to one's children. With Phihp ... I thought Simon would be here to . . . to . . . help. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part. He did come that one day—^maybe I should be grateful for that."
Fanny wanted to say, no, that's not the reason. He won't come because Ash and I are together again. She looked at her mother-in-law and realized she didn't have to say the words. Sallie already knew why Simon wouldn't join them at Christmas.
Sallie was simply making conversation.
In the privacy of their room, with the door closed, Fanny whispered to Ash about Sallie's plans. "I took the Uberty of telling her I didn't think you'd mind. You don't, do you, Ash?"
Ash sat down on the edge of the bed, dropping his head into his hands. "I hate seeing him like that. I can't bear to look at him. I don't know if I can hve with him until the cottage is ready. Jesus, I'd do anything I could for him, he's my father, but every time I look at him I see this strange ... his eyes seem to pierce right through me. It's like he wants me to do something. I don't understand a damn thing he says. It's just gibberish. I pretend I understand and he knows I don't. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut."
"That's a pretty damn selfish attitude. Ash. You used the word T eleven times. How do you think Philip feels?"
"I know and you're right. I don't know how to handle this. WTiere in the hell is Simon? He should be here. Have you heard from him? Is he at least coming for Christmas?"
"I sent him a note, but he didn't respond. I don't know. Ash. You need to be patient with your father."
"I don't have any patience, Fanny, you know that. I get goddamn sick looking at him. I hate myself for feeling this way."
"Guess what," Fanny hissed. "I hate you for feeUng that way too. You're going to have to develop patience. I refuse to accept less fi-om you, Ash."
"Don't tell me what to do and feel, Fanny—he's my father^ not yours. I feel bad enough as it is. You don't need to rub my nose in
"Obviously you don't feel bad enough. The man is your fadier. He's seriously ill, and he's trying to make the best of it. Can't you even begin to imagine how a vital person like Philip feels at being so incapacitated? If you're going to stay here at Sunrise, Ash, you will not, by word or deed, show any adverse feelings to that poor soul in that wheelchair. Let's settle it now. Ash, and get it over with. I don't want this hanging over everyone's head for Christmas. You've already ruined too many of them for this family."
"I knew this was too good to be true. Are you telling me you want me to leave?"
"I didn't say that. The choice is yours. This is what you always do. Ash, we have a fight and when it doesn't go your way, you pack up and go. Know this though, if you go this time, you can never come back."
"You're a damn dictator, Fanny."
"No, Ash, I'm not. I'm your wife. I see how restless you are. Coming home every night has to be a real chore for you. I'm also aware that each day it gets later and later. You're working weekends, but are you really working? I've called the ranch and Red says you're never there on the weekends. So, tell me, who's fooling whom here?"
"Are you spying on me?" Ash said through clenched teeth.
"Yes." Fanny walked over to her jewelry box and withdrew a matchbook. "Who's Rosalie?"
"I have no idea."
The sneer on her husband's face made Fanny cringe. "Oh, I think you do. I called Miss Rosalie and pretended to be your sister. She was very helpful. Now, do you have anything to say?"
"Yeah, I do. At least she doesn't lie in bed like a damn cardboard doll."
"Is that what marriage is to you, Ash—-just sex?"
"A good part of it."
Fanny watched as her husband started to throw things into his suitcases. She gave no thought to telling him to stop, to beg him to stay. What she felt was an overwhelming sense of relief Christmas would at least be peaceful.
Fanny's tone was conversational when she said, "Just so I understand, Ash, are you leaving because I lie in bed like a cardboard doll, because of Rosalie, or because of your father?"
"All of the above," Ash snapped.
"You do remember what I said when you first came back. The
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divorce papers are ready to be filed. I'll call my attorney first thing in the morning. I'm sorry it didn't work out, Ash. You're walking out, and by doing so you are throwing away this family. I will never forgive you for that. You're also going to break your father's heart. That in itself will never give you a moment's peace. Someday, Ash, something could happen to you, and who wiD be around to take care of you? If you don't have a family, there's no one left. Nothing else matters in the end. Damn it, don't you know how important family is?"
"I can't say that I do, Fanny. Ours was sour, my own family was kind of shitty if you know what I mean. You do that family thing real well, so keep on doing it. Yeah, I'm sorry too that it didn't work out. Look, I'm not even mad. It didn't work. You tried, I tried. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. I can't handle Dad. I have to accept whatever that makes me. I'll call the kids on Christmas. There are presents in the hall closet. Is there anything else?"
"One thing. Ash. Since we're being civil here, I'd like to know if you ever loved me. I know I asked you once before, but you were angry at the time. I truly need to know, Ash, because I loved you so much, my heart was so ftill with feeling, and then it went bad. How do feehngs just die like that? I don't want us to hate each other. We share four very wonderful children. We'll always have that between us, so for their sake, let's at least try to be friends."
Ash walked back into the room to face his wife. He put both his hands on her shoulders. "No, I don't think I loved you. It wasn't a good time in my life. I thought I had things under control, but I was wrong. I handed you a line, and then you took me up on it and proposed. I was very fond of you, but sexu2dly, we just never ... it wasn't what I expected. It was okay, but I guess I wanted more, you know, swinging from the chandelier, doing it backward, that kind of thii^. I care about you, I want you to beheve that. I'm also jealous that you've been successftil with your business. I feel proud of you and jealous of what you've accomplished all the while raising a family. Many times, Fanny, I tried to tell you I wasn't marriage material, but you didn't listen. I'm not father material, either. I like bright lights, excitement, pretty, sexy women. I want that feeling I have when I'm flying, and I can't get it if I'm shackled. I thought I could change, but I'm not going to, and neither are you. The only thing left is for us to spHt. I sense a relief in you now that it's over. Or, is it my imagination?"
"No, you're right. Good luck. Ash."
"The same to you, Fanny. Jesus, do we shake hands or what?"
"A hug and a kiss on the cheek would be nice," Fanny said, fighting back the tears.
"Don't cry, Fanny, I'm not worth it. You should have married Simon. This is just a guess on my part, but I think he's already in love with you."
Fanny's heart leaped in her chest. "Birch said he's going with someone named Kathryn. She went on the skiing trip with them. I understand she stayed on in Colorado."
Ash threw back his head and laughed. "Kathryn! Kathryn is Simon's right hand. She's been with him since he starte
d up his business. This is just a guess, but I'd say Kathryn is at least seventy-three. She has family in Rocky Mountain. She probably was going to visit her family and flew with them as far as Denver."
Fanny flopped down in the middle of the bed, Indian fashion. She looked around, there was no sign that Ash had ever inhabited the room. He'd known, just as she'd known, that it was temporary. Had it been permanent, he would have hung his flight pictures on the walls. She crawled off the bed to look at herself in the mirror. How had she gotten to this point in her life and never been loved? She felt beaten and wounded. She stared at the phone. It would be acceptable now for her to call Simon. She was free to do as she pleased. She didn't even have to look up the number; she knew it by heart. Not because she called it often, but because she had thought about calling hundreds of times. Maybe thousands of times. She looked at the clock. It was later in New York, Simon would be asleep. Maybe not—he said he was the proverbial night owl. What would she say?
The phone was in her hands—a magical instrument that would allow her to hear Simon's voice from a thousand miles away. A sleepy voice with the hint of a smile. She dialed the number and waited. Six rings, seven, eight. "This better be good whoever you are. Do you have any idea of what time it is?"
"I'm . .. I'm sorry, Simon. I'll hang up and call you tomorrow."
"Fanny? Fanny, is that you?"
"Yes, but I can call back tomorrow."
"No, no. I thought you were someone selling something—encyclopedias, cemetery plots, water filters. I was stalling for time, trying to get my wits together."
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"In the middle of the night?"
"Hell, this is New York You don't sound right. Is anythii^ wrong. It isn't Dad, is it?"
"Your mother brought him up to Simrise today. He's going to need a lot of care, Simon. He tries very hard to talk, but the words don't come out right Your mother understands him perfecdy. If there's a way to make him whole again, your mother will find it She's going to build a cottage for the two of them off the bend in the road. It would mean a lot to them if you would come for the holidays. Do you have other plans?"
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