Paranormal Investigations: No Situation Too Strange

by EH Walter

  It was like waking up from a dream. My consciousness came back and I was simply aware of being. I took a moment. As I became more conscious, I realised I did not know where I was - like when you wake up after sleeping somewhere new for the first time. My brain registered that I was lying down and that my hands were on something warm and soft. I felt with my fingers and it appeared to be a warm, grainy substance.

  My eyes opened and then closed again. It was bright. Slowly I sat up and breathed in, the air was warm and clean and pure - almost overloaded with oxygen. Shielding my eyes with my hand, I opened my eyes again. It took a while to get used to the light. After blinking several times I began to make out some shapes on the far left. The view ahead of me looked barren of feature. I looked down to my feet, I was still in my slippers, and sand was all around me - fine, white sand. I turned three hundred and sixty degrees. To my left were verdant green trees, behind me what looked like mountains on the horizon and in front of me what appeared to be a flat desert landscape.

  The sun was high in the sky and beating down viciously so I instinctively sought the shelter of the trees. I was tired so I sat down and leant my back against the trunk of the tree. It was not an English species and it was definitely not October.

  "I don't think we're in Barnet anymore Toto." I said to myself. I really did need to get a dog just to make that line work.

  I really didn't know what to think - I knew which scenario Sherlock Holmes would say was the most likely - after all, an axe had just been about to split open my head like a watermelon.

  I was dead.

  This was some kind of afterlife.

  I spared a thought for Bob and Trevor. Well, Bob really. Trevor had brought this on himself so good luck to him. Bob, I worried about. He was the one they wanted. What would they do with him? Once they had the ring he would be of no use and would be killed. A lump rose in my throat and I tried to suppress the small feeling of despair that was rising in me. What use would that be now?

  My eyes closed and I began to relax. It was amazing how tiring it was fending off demons and fairies. During the attack I had been fuelled by adrenalin and now had crashed. I hadn’t even had a chance to eat my pizza, my last meal. I was hungry. Was it possible to be dead and hungry?

  At least I was beyond the demons and fairies now - how's that for looking on the bright side?

  I must have fallen asleep because when I came to later, the light was beginning to fade. It was the end of the day. In the distance I heard a strange sound, when I listened more carefully I realised it was the beautiful Muslim call to prayer. Somehow it felt better to be somewhere where people believed in God - even if it was not my God (and I had yet to decide whether I actually had a 'God'). Where was I?

  Aching a little I stood up and flexed my muscles. Nothing seemed to make sense. I did not have a single idea as to what I should do. I suppose I could walk towards the sound coming from the mosque, but to what end? Why were things not clear? Wasn’t there meant to be a light I could walk towards. All I could see was the sun.

  "Hello sweetie," came a voice from behind some trees.

  I looked to the direction of the voice and saw my father walking through the undergrowth. He looked the same as always, he was even in the same clothes, but was carrying a white paper bag. Take-out. He had brought me take-out to the afterlife.

  "Happy birthday sweetie."

  I stood dumbfounded.

  "I got us Indian," he went on to say, "from that place near you that you like so much - the Blue Ginger? They told me what you ordered most often so I'm hopeful I got you something you like."

  "You got me an Indian take away? On my birthday?"

  Did dead people still celebrate birthdays?

  "Shall we eat?"

  He sat down on the ground and began to pull foil trays out of the bag. "Chilli paneer, mushroom rice."

  My stomach growled. It had been deprived of pizza.

  "Chana masala. Sit down and join your old dad for your birthday."

  "I've never really celebrated it." But my stomach was quite strong willed so I sat down anyway and took the foil tray he passed me. It was very hot so it must have been fresh out of the restaurant which seemed slightly incredulous at this present moment and location. I put it down on the sandy earth in front of me and took the other trays and a plastic fork from my father. I'd never, ever celebrated my birthday with him before so this was becoming even more of a novel day. That and being assassinated by the fairies and bad assed demons.

  "Am I dead?" I asked him as I took the cardboard lid off the mushroom rice.

  "Oh no," he said tucking into something that looked like tikka masala, "you're not dead."

  “Oh,” it felt odd to suddenly be alive again, “are you sure?”

  “Very sure.”

  "Then where am I?"

  "Spain, 1034."

  "Spain? Ten thirty four? It must only be six in the evening at the latest. The sun is only just going down."

  "Not 1034 pm, 1034 AD."

  I paused with a fork full of rice. "1034 AD?"

  "Just outside Andalucía if I'm right. A beautiful part of the world. The moors are just under half way through their residency and they have done wonderful things with the country - picking up where the Romans left off."

  I waved the fork at him. "You're seriously expecting me to believe this is Spain in 1034 AD? That I am sat out here in the wilderness of Andalucía with my errant father and a curry from the best Indian restaurant in north London in 1034 AD?"

  "Well, when you've eliminated the improbable..."

  "I know the quote."

  He shrugged. "It doesn't matter if you don't believe me. Enjoy your curry."

  "So, I'm not dead?"

  "No. Would a dead person eat a curry?"

  "I don't know, I've never been dead before."

  We ate in silence as I considered what he had told me. It sounded ridiculous, but if the past few days had taught me anything it was not to dismiss the ridiculous. The curry tasted good, as always, so I was at least convinced I was not dead. Surely a dead person couldn't enjoy curry this much? Dang it was good.

  "So, if I'm not dead what on earth is going on?"

  "Ah, that is a big question and one that is not simple to answer in the time we have."

  "Why do you always bang on about time?"

  "I have no choice. Time is important to people like us."

  "Time is important to all of us." He really was the most tiresome of men, "Come on then, how did I get here then?"

  "You made it happen," he bit a corner off a samosa, "I doubt you had control over it though - otherwise you wouldn't have picked this place or this time. It is a little - random."

  "Are you telling me I just willed us here? Made a wish and whoosh - bienvenido a España?"

  "Not me, I just followed you. You decided where to go."

  "Ridiculous, I would've chosen some time much more interesting. The glamorous nineteen twenties or the swinging sixties. I could've gone to the grassy knoll in sixty three."

  "You wouldn't have been the first. Anyway, it's not a bad result - there's a lot to be said for Islamic Spain. So much never made it into the history books. Such a shame. It was a fascinating time."

  "You sound like you've been here before."

  "Once or twice. I spent most of my time here with the Romans. They were an interesting bunch too."

  "Oh yeah, what are you - some kind of immortal? Hey - does that mean I'm immortal too?"

  "No and no."

  "Well - how did you get to see all of that then?"

  "It was my... job, before I met your mother."

  I looked at him carefully. I had a pretty good bullshit detector and it refused to go off despite the ridiculous nature of what he was telling me. My eyes narrowed. "What - professional time traveller?"

  "No, I worked for the ultimate high order. I did His bidding."

  "Huh?"

  He sighed as if he knew he was going to tell me something he kn
ew I was going to find ridiculous. "I was an angel."

  I laughed so hard a grain of rice left my mouth with the force of a V2 bomber and collided with a tree. "Sure dad, sure."

  He shrugged and looked off into the peachy coloured sunset. "I knew you wouldn't believe me, it's why I never told you."

  "Okay then - who shot Kennedy? Did they land on the moon? Do aliens exist? Who was Jack the Ripper?"

  He shook his head, "Those are not my secrets to tell. If you want the knowledge of the world you really do need to go see The Keeper. All I can tell you, is what is mine to tell. I was an angel on this earth. I lived through all times at all times. Angels have to be anywhere at the first breath of a prayer so we must be able to access all times and places. Time does not work the same way for us."

  "So, you're saying I've got a bit of angel in me?"

  He shrugged again, "I wouldn't have thought so, I had to become mortal to marry your mother, but it seems - yes. When I became mortal I abandoned my life as an angel and all the skills I had to fulfil that role. The ability to shift through time should have left me as well."

  "Cool."

  His eyes narrowed and his face grew serious. "It's not cool Leo, it's very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed, in many ways. For example, what if you had willed yourself somewhere dangerous - arrived in the middle of an elephant stampede in Africa for example?"

  "Well I was about to get my head sliced off by a demon, so hey!"

  He knotted his fingers together, in and out, in and out. "I'm serious Leo. If I could have been around more I could have guided you - prepared you."

  It was my turn to frown at him. "Well you weren't."

  He let that comment wash over him. "I don't know what you have inherited from me, but from your mother you have inherited The Sight. She was the last Seer born upon the earth before your birth. You will be the last until you have a child."

  "I might not want a child."

  "You have no choice. The Seer line must continue, the worlds must have an intermediary. You are that intermediary. Anyway, in my time stream you are already married - already a mother - already a grandmother. I've seen it all. And boy, was there a lot to see."

  For one second I entertained the idea of asking him for the name of my husband and then rejected it. Spoilers. Besides the feminist in me was busy ranting at the part of me that had sighed in relief at hearing someone would eventually marry me and I wouldn't be the mad woman with too many cats. "But the future can't be set, right?"

  "True, it moves like the waters on a pond. Fundamentally it stays the same but there are small shifts and shimmers."

  "So I might not marry?"

  "If you set all your energies against it I'm sure you could fight it for a while. Most things go the predetermined way in the end though. Things happen in unexpected ways. Believe me, if I could change some of it for you, I would."

  That didn't sound good. "What about Bob and Trevor? Are they okay? I left them hours ago about to get mashed up by demons and fairies. I mean, Trevor had it coming, but not Bob."

  "It wasn't hours ago - it hasn't happened yet remember. With training you would be able to go to any precise moment you needed."

  "Could you train me?"

  "Even if I knew how it works with a mortal body I don't have time."

  "How do you do it?"

  "Thought and will. But don't forget I had millennia of experience to draw upon. I didn't have to think about how it worked then - it just did."

  "That's really helpful dad."

  "I can only think that something kicked in - you knew you needed a way out and your subconscious fired the ability up somehow."

  Think of all the moments in my life I could change, I could go back to the bridge and turn my phone off, get Bob out of the flat before the bad guys came, stop my mother from dying. I frowned, there must be a reason why Doctor Who couldn't travel in his own time stream. Was it wise to travel within your own life? Well, the chances of my ever perfecting such a skill were slim, especially as the one person I knew who could do it didn't know how he did it. Why on earth had I ended up in Spain of all places? And why this era?

  "Well Dad, I'm not sure I want any of this. I don't want to be part ex-angel, I don't want to be a Seer. Perhaps if I was meant to be these things someone should have prepared me for it, taught me what it was about when I was young and when I cared. I want to help Bob, I feel responsible for him, but I really can do without the rest of this shit."

  "Very well. When you have finished eating we will see what we can do about Bob. And perhaps I will show you why the world needs a Seer."

  I pushed the foil trays aside. That would be an interesting one for future archaeologists to ponder I'm sure. "I'm done. Can we go now?"

  He leant over and touched the top of my hand. A cold current of pure energy flooded through me and I was conscious that I was no longer sitting on the sandy ground of Andalucía, I was on a cold, stone surface. I looked around. I was sitting on High Barnet high street, my father beside me. Shoppers were stepping around me and cars whizzing past. The effect of the noise of London was over powering and a real shock to the system after the tranquillity of medieval Spain. And it stank.

  My father got to his feet quicker than I, obviously used to this kind of thing, and put his hand out to me. I took it and ungracefully climbed up. A few people afforded us odd looks, but this was London and anything goes, so no one made anything of it - two people sitting on the pavement on a busy shopping street. One of them still in her slippers.

  It was evening and felt cold after my previous stop. I pulled my dressing gown tightly around me. Oh great, I still had my dressing gown on over my jogging pants and t shirt from when I had got cold earlier... later. I must look like I was headed straight to Asda.

  "Pass me your phone," he ordered.

  I half expected it to be lost, but it was still tucked under my bra strap where I always tucked it when I wore something with no pockets. I obeyed him, curious to see where this led. He took the phone from me, pressed some buttons and passed it back to me.

  "Listen."

  I put it to my ear and listened.

  "Hi, you're through to Leo at Paranormal Investigations - please leave your number and I'll return your call."

  It beeped at me and I looked at him. He waved a hand at me. He wanted me to leave a message on my own phone?

  "Er... Come to Spain," I faltered, "a gorgeous country with timeshares available now!"

  My father took my phone out of my hand, ended the call and then redialled. He looked at me as he spoke.

  "Hello Leo - happy birthday! Speak soon, dad." He looked down at the phone to end the call and then looked back at me. "I told you we'd speak soon."

  My mouth opened and closed like a guppy.

  "This... this is the night I got that message from you? You've brought me back into my own time stream, why? Isn't it dangerous? Doctor Who would never do that."

  He shrugged, "That you is at Princess Park Manor. It's safe enough for this you."

  "But why? Why would you bring me here?"

  "To prove it to you."

  I looked around. We really had travelled through time.

  "Shit.”

  Dad said nothing.

  “Bit of a crap skill though, isn’t it? If I can’t do it without you holding my hand. If I can't do it myself, I mean."

  "I'm hoping it might rub off."

  "Where to next? Oughtn't I be getting back?"

  "Why? Thought you didn't care about the goat man?"

  "His name is Bob..." I said indignantly and then stopped myself - he had caught me out. "Okay, you knew I would grow fond of him and 'do my duty'. Heck - you're the time traveller here - it's a little bit of an unfair advantage."

  "I haven't travelled in your time stream much. All the times you saw me have already passed for you."

  "Okay, there's obviously some law of physics that I don't get because that makes no sense to me. Can we stick to the Ladybird Book version pl
ease?"

  "Where do you want to go? What can I show you to make this easier? Do you want to go and see your mother?"

  Panic thundered in me. A blank wall opened up. No. No I did not.

  I shook my head. "Can you tell me anything that will help me? Why the fairies want this ring for example?"

  He leant closer and touched my hand. It was a much less pleasant experience when standing as my stomach tried to fall out my feet.

  It was another evening when I opened my eyes. Fairly early, as it was only just growing dim. I looked around. I recognised this street. Tourists pushed past me and I slunk back against a wall.

  "Got it yet?" Dad asked.

  I did another three sixty. "Outside the British Museum."

  He nodded, then I was distracted by a familiar figure. I opened my mouth to call out his name, but my father steadied me with his hand.

  "He doesn't know you yet. Wait."

  True and Bob wasn't even Bob then... now… the then that was now.

  "Shouldn't I follow him?"

  Dad shook his head and then gestured with his eyes across the road. Someone was paying very close attention to Bob's movements. I couldn't see him very well - I couldn't tell if he was wearing a hooded cloak or he was blurry. No one else was looking at him, but seemed to instinctively move around him as if on some level they knew he was there.

  I rubbed my eyes. "Why is he all blurry?"

  "Strong magic. I can barely see him at all, although I would have been able to once. You are the Seer. You can see beyond these things."

  "Not very well I can’t. I mean, fat lot of use Seeing is, if all I get is the white noise channel."

  "It is a very powerful enchantment. One of the best. You will get stronger. You have only just discovered your skill. Watch him."

  I did so and as I did the figure turned and began to walk away.

  We followed.

  It was hard to keep sight of him as he blurred in and out of the shadows, when in doubt I followed where people suddenly moved aside for what appeared to be no good reason. I guessed they wouldn't even know why they moved.

  The crowds thinned out as we went off the tourist route and into a large square, one of those with large and grand houses around a central garden. Blue plaques covered the houses and it was sad to see most were broken up into flats now. They were far too large for any family without a huge body of servants.