The Beat and The Pulse Box Set 1

by Amity Cross

  “Yeah.” I resisted the urge to touch her, knowing if I did, I wouldn’t be able to control what happened next.

  She picked up her water bottle and began worrying the lid, her eyes downcast.

  I could see something was bothering her, so I asked, “What?”

  “What happened after…you know…?”

  “After what?” I asked, knowing full well what she was trying to work out of me.

  “When Ha—”

  “Don’t fucking say his name Ren,” I spat.

  Ren narrowed her eyes and popped the cap back onto her water bottle. Then with one fluid motion, she sent it hurtling towards my head and it was only sheer luck that I caught it before it connected with my temple.

  I stared at her in surprise, but all she did was glare. “One step forward and ten steps back?” she asked, her voice wavering.

  I knew I had to tell her eventually. I knew I had to relive the whole fucking thing again if we were ever going to get over this, but I wasn’t sure I could handle it. Fuck, I wasn’t sure I could handle it ever.

  “Don’t you get that this is hard for me?” I asked, digging my hole even deeper.

  “And it’s not for me?” she cried. “I had to deal with the fallout the same as you.”

  I sucked in a breath, my hands starting to shake. ”When I sent you away, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I wanted to kill him, Ren. I couldn’t let you see that…”

  Some people were rotten to the core and Hammer was the worst of the lot. The only things that drove him were money and power and you were fucked if you got in the way. I got in the way and everything I held dear was going to be destroyed if I didn’t do something about it. I never knew how far I’d go to protect the people I loved from scum like him, but I’d soon found out it was pretty fucking far. I’d been prepared to take it to the darkest place of them all…but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cross that line and I guess that was the thing that separated me from Hammer.

  “Ash…”

  “He took Violet’s life away from her and he was going to take yours. He was going to cripple you Ren. He—” I clamped my mouth shut as my anger threatened to overwhelm everything. What did that shrink tell me? Deep breaths, count to ten...

  She shifted closer and it was the one time I wished she’d stay as far away as she could.

  “After…I didn’t…” I curled my hands into tight fists to try and stop them shaking.

  “But Beat was all smashed up… It wasn’t like that when I left,” she whispered.

  I turned away so she couldn’t see the shame that was breaking my resolve. “While I hesitated, he regained consciousness. We fought some… I got the upper hand.”

  “Then what—”

  “I tied him up and stuffed him in the boot of my car and drove him out of the city.” An image flashed in my mind’s eye of wrenching open the boot and staring down at Hammer’s ugly as fuck unconscious body.

  Ren started to tremble, her eyes wide.

  “Are you sure you want to hear this?” I murmured.

  She nodded. “Then what did you do?”

  There was no nice way of telling her what I’d planned to do next, so I just said it in the simplest way possible. “I dragged him out into a patch of bush and was going to cave his skull in with a tire iron.” She let out a low hiss. “But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t—” I flinched as she placed her hand on my hip. “I left him there and the next day I was arrested.” Arrested with no way to prove what Hammer was going to do to my Ren. “You know the rest.”

  “Ash, I…”

  For once in her life, Ren was lost for words. I wasn’t fucking surprised. How should anyone react to that? I could’ve been slapped with an attempted murder charge. They’d tried, but couldn’t pin the charge. I could be inside for life right now and the fact that I’d only gotten a year in my own home was a fucking miracle. Bribing anyone and everyone had drained most of my finances, but it was better than being back in the slammer.

  I was broke in more ways than one and despite my longing for Ren, it was probably better for her if she split right now. What future could I offer her when I couldn’t even offer myself anything? I may as well cut off my cock and balls now.

  “I’m going to have a shower,” I muttered, jerking away, the alarm strapped to my ankle suddenly feeling like it weighed a million tons.

  She let me go, not even calling out after me as I strode from the gym and thumped up the stairs to the bathroom. I needed to be alone; I didn’t want to see her leave when she inevitably realized how much of a fuck up I really was. I didn’t want to see her pity, her anger or her fucking disappointment in the man who was supposed to be there for her no matter what.

  What I wanted was to go back to the day she pressed me about The Underground and put a stop to it once and for all. I should never have taken her there. That was the day that it all went wrong. If it’d never happened, then she’d be preparing for the AUFC in Sydney right now with me by her side as her partner and her biggest fucking supporter…not in my homestay prison training with a washed up cage fighter. She deserved the best.

  I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and stripped, dumping my clothes on the floor. As the room filled with steam, I dunked my head under the searing water, but all it did was bring back all my fears and shortcomings with crystal clarity. Motherfucker...

  Letting the water pound into my skin, I pressed my forehead against the tiles, wishing that the memories of that night at Beat would just circle down the drain and be forgotten forever. All I felt was shame. Shame for what I let myself do, shame for what I did afterward and shame for letting it come to that at all.

  Closing my eyes, all I could see were the images I’d tried to forget but couldn’t. That was another reason I’d stopped taking the meds that the doctor gave me. They made me dream something fierce. Dreams of blood, dreams coated with all things red...

  Maybe now that Ren knew; I could leave it behind. Maybe the memories would go away for good.

  Turning off the shower before I shriveled into a prune, I toweled myself dry and pulled on a pair of shorts, wondering if she was still here after I’d dumped all of that shit on her. She’d asked, but it was a motherfucking loaded question. Yanking on a T-shirt I’d left hanging over the edge of the laundry basket, I decided that I’d give her some breathing room if that’s what she needed.

  When I opened the bathroom door, Ren was sitting on the end of the bed waiting for me and I shook my head. She was forever surprising me. She was still here and still fighting like the Spitfire I knew she was. Fucking beautiful.

  She glanced up at the sound of my approach and stood to face me. Her features were full of something too perfect to even hope was true. She didn’t say anything as I stood there staring, she just stepped forward and pressed her body against mine, running her hand along the collar of my T-shirt.

  “Ren,” I whispered, trying to hold it together. Fuck, I just wanted to flip her back onto the bed and touch her everywhere. I wanted to do more than touch.

  Her gaze dropped to my mouth and it was the thing that tipped me over the edge. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers, my entire body coming alive.

  Ren’s arms snaked around my neck and she sighed into me, her fingertips burying into the hair at the nape of my neck. Her lips parted and her tongue grazed my bottom lip, the taste of her igniting all the feelings I’d been trying to keep at arms length.

  Hungry for more, I licked into her mouth, deepening the kiss to unbearable levels and she met me halfway, holding me to her with a force that I’d forgotten she possessed. The Spitfire I’d longed for was coming back to life in my arms and fuck it felt good. It felt so good that my cock stiffened against her belly.

  Fuck, what I wouldn’t give...

  Ren moaned into my mouth as we kissed, the sound reverberating right through me. My hands slid down her back and cupped her ass, holding her against me as she rolled her hips into my groin, giving away that she wa
s just as turned on.

  Pulling back before I pushed too hard, I turned away, breathing heavily. This wasn’t about me, I couldn’t care less. This was about her happy ending and I’d do whatever it took to give it to her. I had to stop being such a selfish prick.

  I didn’t know how to vocalize it all, so I just blurted it out. “It’s not my story, Ren. It’s yours.”

  “Oh don’t be daft,” she declared. “It’s not my story. It’s ours.”

  I glanced at her as she came to stand beside me, her cheeks flushed from our kiss, and without thinking, I reached up and cupped her face in my hand.

  Maybe, just maybe, things would get better.

  Maybe in time Ren would be mine again.

  18

  Ren

  My entire body still seared with the memory of my kiss with Ash.

  He tasted like I remembered, he tasted like something wild...

  I hadn’t seen anyone at Beat for at least two weeks while I was off trying to find myself again, but I’d walked in last night with my head full of Ash and Josie had been waiting for me. She was keen on a status update, and she chewed me out for not telling her that I’d dropped out of the AUFC. I hadn’t told anyone but Dad and the league, I hadn’t even told Ash. That was another conversation that was still on the horizon.

  The Twins were disappointed that I wasn’t going to Sydney with them, but they had their hands full with their own training and promo. Josie, too. I hadn’t thought once about what I’d left behind while spending time with Ash. And Monica…I especially hadn’t thought about her.

  Yesterday when Ash told me about that night…it had been a revelation, but it had also shifted something inside him. The floodgates were open and he was talking with me, something he found incredibly hard to do, but now he seemed to want to tell me everything.

  The trust that had ignited between us since I came to see him that first day made my heart swell. There was a lot of hope for a future where we were together.

  We were back in the gym, back in the place that we were most comfortable, going for what felt like round two. I wondered what we’d talk about today and a small, selfish part of me wondered if we would kiss again. I really liked kissing him...

  “We’ll work on your sparring today,” Ash said and I tried not to flinch. I had to tell him that I wasn’t going to Sydney. He pulled a pair of focus pads onto his hands and clapped them together. “Assume the position.” He smiled at me and I couldn’t do it. He hadn’t smiled a lot since I came back and I found myself wanting to keep it there for a long as I could.

  I flexed my fingers in my gloves and put up my guard. I went through a few repetitions to warm up and he caught all my punches with ease.

  “Is it my turn to tell you a story?” I asked before punching again.

  “If you want.”

  “I don’t know what else I can tell you about,” I replied. “I was pretty boring as a kid.”

  “Not boring,” Ash said as he caught another flurry of punches. “Just responsible.”

  “And that’s not boring?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Maybe to a kid it is.”

  “How about you tell me something?” I punched again, trying not to lose my momentum.

  “Like what?”

  I thought for a moment, dropping my fists. “How did you find Beat?”

  Ash smiled again and gestured for me to put my fists back up. “I’ll tell you while you beat the shit out of me.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  I resumed sparring, focusing on my body positions as Ash started his story. I couldn’t say that I hadn’t wondered what he was like back then. He and my dad had been pretty close for a while there. Ash respected him a great deal and I hadn’t really understood where it’d come from. It was a different respect than I had for the man.

  “Well,” Ash began, “I was fifteen and on my third school for the year. I’d been kicked out of the last one for fighting and I was being hounded by the tough kids about it, so that day I decided to wag.” He raised his hand as I punched, the slap echoing through the gym. “It was a crappy public high school in Coburg, the only one that would take me, so I could sneak out and onto the train no problems. They didn’t give a shit 'cos most of the kids that went there were bad news. I reckon the teachers had a gutful of dealing with a bunch of shitheads, so they turned a blind eye to a lot of stuff.”

  I went through another repetition before saying, “Sounds like the school I went to out west.”

  “That school is another story entirely,” he said, grimacing. “I was wandering Sydney Road when I went down a random side street. I remember seeing Beat and wondering what it was. The roller door was open and all I could hear was a bunch of dudes punching the shit outta each other.”

  I smiled, remembering the first day I’d turned up to Beat. It’d been much the same.

  “Coach saw me standing in the door staring like a fuckin’ idiot and was about to slap me around the ear, but when he came over he didn’t kick me out like I was expecting. He brought me inside and asked why I wasn’t in school. I dunno.” He shrugged. “Your dad seems to have a way with people. He scared the crap outta me and I told him everything. About school and about getting into fights all the time. I told him about how angry I always got. I don’t know what he saw in me, but he didn’t send me back or demand to call my parents. He just took me in and let me watch the fighters training until it was time to go home.”

  “Shit, I didn’t know he could be like that.”

  “Your dad’s pretty awesome Ren. I know he did wrong by you, but he was like a Dad to me.”

  I smiled wryly. Things had gotten a lot better in the last year with him, but I’d never known the man that Ash held in such high regard. I’d seen glimpses, especially when I’d told him I was dropping out of pro.

  “What happened next?” I asked.

  “I kept going back, wagging school and getting into trouble and he made me a deal. He would teach me how to fight the right way, like a real man, and in exchange I had to go back to school and work hard, get good marks and not get suspended or expelled again. If I did, then I wasn’t allowed back.”

  “What did you do?” I asked, so enraptured by his story that I’d stopped sparring ages ago.

  “Everything he said,” Ash replied, dropping his hands. “What I didn’t understand until later was that by learning how to fight and take care of my body, it channeled my anger. Things got better after that. I still had problems, but as long as I could focus on fighting in a ring with a referee and training, I was okay. I am okay.”

  I stared at him for a long moment, not knowing what to say. I figured his story might be something along those lines, but I’d never dared to ask.

  “Stop lookin’ at me like that,” he mumbled, rolling his head and cracking his neck.

  “That’s a pretty great story,” I said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  He shuffled from foot to foot and it was his turn to look uncertain. So much bloody uncharted territory.

  “What?” I asked. “I guess it’s your turn to ask me something now, so out with it.”

  Ash dumped the focus pads onto the mat by his feet. “Shouldn’t you be flying to Sydney or something?” he asked.

  I knew this was coming...I shook my head.

  “What did you rank?”

  “Number two. I gave it up.”

  He stared at me, not sure which of the two statements he wanted to chase the most.

  “You gave up pro?” he asked. “Why?”

  “That was Dad’s dream,” I said. It was as simple as that. “I’m good at fighting, but it doesn’t mean that I wanted to take it that seriously.”

  “Then why did you go along with it?”

  I shrugged. “It was easier than trying to feel something else. Fighting…” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. Ash knew why I needed to fight; his reasons were much the same. We both had beasts inside that needed to be fed.

  �
��What?” he whispered, prodding me to continue.

  “You really have to ask?”

  He nodded, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. It was such a gentle gesture for him, I almost pleaded him to curl his fingers against my scalp and tug.

  “Maybe I wasn’t made for pro,” I said. “Maybe I was made for something a little darker.”

  “The Underground?”

  I nodded.

  Ash’s brow furrowed. “You went back, didn’t you?”

  I nodded again.

  A low growl rumbled through his chest. He was still pissed that I went in the first place.

  “Don’t worry,” I went on. “Dean came and dragged me out of there by the scruff of my neck.”

  Ash’s eyes sparked to life. “He fucking what?”

  “Settle down Ash. He saved me from myself.”

  “I’m so sorry Ren.” His expression began to crumble. “I’m so fucking sorry...”

  “It’s done now.” I leaned against his shoulder, the heat from his body radiating like a furnace. “This is me trying to build a bridge.” He shifted, his arm circling around my back. “It needs to be pretty fucking big, so give me a break.”

  “You gave up pro…” he muttered into my hair.

  “It wasn’t the place for me. My choice had nothing to do with you and this thing between us. It was about me.”

  “About fucking time.”

  I pulled back and glanced up at him with a frown.

  “You sacrifice so much of yourself Ren,” Ash said, his gaze searching mine. “Your mum, Coach, me… It’s about time you did something for you.”

  I snorted, placing my hand over his heart, right over the place on his tattoo that said ‘rebirth’. He was much closer than he thought.

  “Wanna give training a rest for today?” I asked, not feeling into it anymore.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve got nothing to train for, apart from liking it. Besides, I think we can skip one day.” I leaned against his chest again, tracing his tattoo with a finger.

  “What do you want to do?”

  “Anything. Nothing. Everything.”