The Beat and The Pulse Box Set 1

by Amity Cross

  Listening for some kind of noise in the silence, her face materialized in my mind’s eye.

  I missed Sparks and her smart mouth already…but did she miss me?

  12

  Holly

  The room was dark, except for the glow from the backlit scans up on the walls.

  Standing with my arms crossed over my chest, I stared at the tumor that had claimed a little boy’s life, wondering what I could have done differently. Its cancerous tendrils had woven around the spinal cord, strangling the life from the lower part of the body.

  What could I have done?

  When I’d sliced into his skin and revealed the growth, it was much worse than the scans revealed. It always looked different. Shades of pink and white, so obviously an alien object inside the human body. The deeper we went, the more I realized that this thing had a stranglehold, and it was more than just a mass that needed to be excised from the body. The vertebrae were brittle, riddled with the remains of what the cancer had wrought.

  I still thought I could’ve done it. I could’ve saved him if I’d just tried a little harder.

  Surgeons cheat death every day. We fixed the things in people that were broken. Sometimes we couldn’t patch up the worst of them—not that we didn’t want to but because it was just too late. Us surgeons? We’re big fat cheaters giving the middle finger to the Grim Reaper. Not today, Grim old buddy old pal. Not today.

  Staring at Sammy’s scans, I knew there’d been slim hope that we could save him, but it still weighed heavily on my shoulders. The responsibility that had been placed on me was enormous…and I couldn’t live up to it.

  The door opened behind me, and I jumped, my heart skipping a beat as the room flooded with artificial light. Turning, I found Archer behind me, and I suppressed a groan that was just itching to burst forth.

  “What are you doing?” he asked even though it was obvious.

  “Looking at scans.”

  He peered closer and blew out a sharp breath. “The tumor?”

  “The. Tumor,” I replied haughtily.

  “That was a tough bastard,” he mused, peering at the scans I now knew back to front. “It was such a shame.”

  I didn’t know what he was getting at, so I kept my mouth shut and hoped he’d go away.

  “You can’t get hooked up on a bad outcome,” he went on oblivious to the fact I thought he was the biggest ass on the face of the planet. “Learn from it, and move on.”

  “So soon?” I asked, scowling at his back.

  He turned to face me. “Is there any better time?”

  “How can you be so whatever about it?” I asked, staring at him incredulously.

  Archer shrugged. “Everyone was aware of the risks, Hol. We knew death was likely, but circumstance pushed us to operate, and that was the outcome. There’s no changing that.”

  I stared at him, my mouth falling open. Have a little empathy, Archer. He could sweet-talk patients and their families like a pro, but I never knew it was skin deep. Even assholes had a little something under the surface. The way he just stood there and wiped his hands clean was cold. Really fucking cold.

  Like he saw right through my anguish, he strode forward and plucked the scans from the screens one by one before tossing them inside their case like they were rubbish. Turning back to me, he moved closer.

  “Let it go, Hol,” he murmured in my ear. “It’s done.”

  Like a conveyor belt of meat.

  His hand slid onto my shoulder, and I jerked away, his touch sending shivers of revulsion down my spine. Spinning on my heel, I strode from the room, the door slamming behind me. I felt like I was going to puke.

  Jogging down the hall past some startled hospital employees, I shoved into the ladies’ room and rushed into the last stall, locking the door behind me before I could blow. Leaning over the bowl, I heaved, emptying what little I managed to consume at breakfast into the porcelain. Why had this one case gotten to me so much? Was it because it was a child? I didn’t know.

  And Archer…fuck. I knew I hadn’t been here that long, but his true colors were beginning to show. And to think Gunner had pushed me toward him. Ugh.

  Sinking to the floor, I leaned my cheek against the cubicle wall, allowing the coolness of the tiles to soothe my feverish skin.

  If death wasn’t the end, what could we count on? You sure couldn’t count on life because it was the most unstable and fragile thing there was, and in a moment, it could all be gone. And then what are we left with? The next great mystery.

  Slipping my phone from my pocket, I opened the contacts and stared at the number I’d saved yesterday. Was it only yesterday? Maybe it had been longer. I wasn’t sure what day it was anymore considering I hadn’t left the hospital for a while. I’d been catching a few hours’ sleep here and there when I couldn’t stand up any more. If the Chief of Surgery caught me, I’d be sent home for at least two days or more.

  I couldn’t go home.

  Home was empty and full of boxes I hadn’t bothered unpacking.

  Home was full of thoughts I didn’t want to think.

  I didn’t think I’d see Josh again, but the moment I’d let my carefully schooled facade of professionalism slip, he’d appeared out of thin air like he was some kind of Houdini. No judgment, no smart quips. He was just…kind. His arms around me, his cheek against the top of my head, and his scent… Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh.

  My gaze flicked to the time displayed at the top of the screen, and when I saw it was after eleven p.m., I almost turned the phone off and put him out of my mind, but his words came back to me. Use it. Any time. For anything.

  My finger hovered over his number, and I thought about it, I really did, but something stopped me. Too much heaviness from the past still weighed on my heart, and Josh had enough of his own problems to deal with. There were too many question marks over his head, and he’d never told me anything despite letting him know I wasn’t going to talk to anyone else. Like he’d ever intended to share them with me. For all his kindness when he’d sat there and comforted my crying ass, he had a mountain of secrets to match…and then some. In reality, I didn’t even know the guy. Why would he bother with me?

  Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I pushed to my feet and ventured out of the cubicle. Turning on a tap over the basins, I washed my mouth out and splashed my face. Puking in the bathroom and agonizing over a guy? What was the world coming to? Holly Walsh was about one thing and one thing only. Her patients.

  Time to do what I did best. Get the fuck on with it.

  “You look like shit,” Gunner declared as she caught sight of me shuffling through the cafeteria.

  “Thanks,” I replied, rolling my eyes. Sinking into the chair opposite her, I took a couple of deep breaths. I still felt queasy after throwing up earlier.

  “Are you okay, Blue?” she prodded, her perfectly plucked eyebrows knitting together. How she had time to whip out a pair of tweezers was beyond me. “You look a little gray.”

  I grunted and snatched her bottle of water from the table. Taking a mouthful, I felt the cool liquid run down my gullet and into my uneasy stomach.

  “I know you’ve been here longer than you ought,” she scolded. “You need to clock off, and go get some proper sleep. You’re no good to the hospital when you’re a zombie.”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “I’ve just got a heavy patient load at the moment.”

  Gunner didn’t seem convinced. “You know you can talk to me, right? About anything you want.”

  “I know,” I replied, leaning my forehead on my hand. “I know.”

  “I had an interesting morning in the ER yesterday if you want to hear a cool story,” she said like she knew the greatest secret of them all. “It might take your mind off things.”

  So it had been yesterday that I’d seen Josh. Glancing out the window at the daylight beyond, I knew it was in my best interests to get outside and take a break from the halls of the hospital. It felt like I’d been here for two weeks st
raight. Truthfully, I probably had.

  “Well?” Gunner asked, clicking her fingers in front of my face. “Want to hear?”

  I grunted. “Sure. Let it rip.”

  “I found your hottie in the ER yesterday,” she said, watching my expression.

  “What?” I straightened up. “But his chart—”

  “He was waiting for you, I think,” she said, interrupting me. “He seemed vague about why he was sitting there.”

  “He was just sitting in the ER?” I asked, frowning. Why would he do that? There could be any number of reasons.

  “Are you into him?” she went on. “Because if you really are, you’ll have to be the one who does the chasing.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I kind of already knew the answer, but I asked anyway. I had his number, but he had no way of contacting me short of coming to the hospital in person. I didn’t think he’d be the type of guy who’d come back outside of his appointment to get his cast off…or be on the market for very long.

  “I asked him if he wanted me to give you a message, and he said he thought it wouldn’t work out between you two.”

  I felt like throwing up again, but this time, for a very different reason. Keep pushing them away, Holly. Great job.

  “I reckon it’s more to do with him,” Gunner rambled on. “He looks very blue collar, you know? You’re a superstar surgeon.”

  “Are you saying he thinks his balls are going to shrink if he’s with a woman who has a better job than him?” I asked, suddenly feeling really pissed off.

  I hadn’t even thought about that being a divide between us. I thought I was the one who was too broken and pathetic to even think about dating a guy who looked like a bloody fitness model. I’d wondered why a guy like that would even want to touch a woman like me. And my brains emasculated him? The world was crazy. Totally crazy. Either that or my entire thought process was scrambled from lack of sleep.

  Gunner was laughing at me so hard people were starting to turn in their chairs to gawk at us.

  “What?” I hissed at her.

  “You always jump to the worst conclusion,” she said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I got the impression he thought he wasn’t good enough for you. Not the other way around, you crazy kid.”

  My expression softened as I let the thought sink in. I intimidated Josh? Was that even possible?

  I hardly knew the guy, but maybe I should make more of an effort. Take some time off, recharge and call him. He did say I could use his number for anything. Did that extend to dates? There was only one way to find out, but my first port of call was the Chief’s office to fess up to my maxed out hours.

  Shoving Gunner’s water back across the table, I rose to my feet. “I’ll catch you later.”

  “I hope you’re going to get laid,” she called out after me. “You need it.”

  13

  Josh

  I’d been home for two days, and I was already wasting away.

  I couldn’t even go to the gym to burn off some steam, and I was chomping at the bit for some kind of action. With no place to go and no one to report to, I had an excess of time…and energy. Two things I didn’t want to have at the same time.

  There was little I could do considering my residual tenderness post-hospital. I’d done some cardio, but it all felt pointless while my ribs were still aching, and I didn’t even want to get started on my arm. I’d been relegated to shoving it into a plastic bag while I showered for at least the next three to four weeks.

  So when I found myself getting in the car and driving to The Underground, I wasn’t surprised. I couldn’t fight, but I could at least watch and soak up the violent atmosphere.

  As per its usual form, the place was pumping. The bookies were shouting over the din, calling out the odds for the fights that were lined up for the night. The bar was packed five deep as the liquor flowed in a nonstop carousel of debauchery.

  Sitting in a quiet place on the bleachers that surrounded the focal point of the warehouse, the cage, I watched as two of the more popular fighters—Goblin and Blade—danced around each other. The spotlight was on them, the crowd was bunched around the chain-link screaming for blood…just a typical night in this place. Life had gone on without me, but I’d never been up there in the ranks to warrant any extra attention. I was a mid-lister. Forgettable unless I was winning or failing spectacularly, and fuck, had I failed.

  “Steel.”

  Glancing up, I caught sight of Max, the head honcho of The Underground, leaning up against the side of the bleachers, staring at me like I was a moron.

  I raised an eyebrow, not liking the fact he’d sought me out at all.

  Pushing off the edge, he came and sat next to me. “When I heard you were out here, I just had to come and see for myself and lo and behold.” He spread his arms wide.

  “So?” I asked, cradling my broken arm in my lap.

  “So? Last time I saw your ugly mug, it was beaten to a pulp.”

  I glared at him out the corner of my eye. “And I got over it.”

  Max snorted. “Guys who get beaten like you don’t come back. The last guy Maverick put down is still eating through a straw and pissing through one, too.”

  “Well, I guess I got lucky,” I drawled, casting my gaze over the cage where another fight was getting ready to start.

  “More than lucky if you ask me. Even stupider coming back here.” He looked me up and down. “You’re fucked in the head, you know that?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t know any other way to be.”

  “Death wish is what you’ve got.”

  I caught the undercurrent in his statement loud and clear, but fucked if I was going to let him shove me around like a pathetic nobody. He thought I was coming here for a slow burn kind of revenge? I’d come here because I was bored and had no place else to go and rot, but the fact that he’d sought me out to lay the hard word on me through cryptic jabs at my mental well-being was just bullshit. He could go fuck himself. Fuck the ramifications.

  “Last thing I remember was Maverick punching me in the face,” I said slowly, not bothering to look at the son of a bitch. “Then I wake up in hospital, can’t feel my fucking legs, and some doctor tells me I was left out on the street. No hello, no nothing.” I glanced at Max, but his expression was closed. “What am I meant to make of that?”

  “You’re not dead,” he replied stonily. “And looks like you can walk just fine to me.”

  “Better stay that way,” I muttered.

  Max rose to his feet and brushed off his jeans. Watching the crowd mill about, he smiled to himself before glancing down at me. “I’d be real careful about what you do next, Steel. Real careful.”

  That was a threat if I ever heard one.

  I wasn’t stupid enough to assume the horror stories about this place weren’t true. Guys died in the cage. They were crippled, and they got brain damage. No regulations, minimal medical assistance on site, and no rules. It was a hotbed of violence. Everyone knew it, and things weren’t sugarcoated when I signed up. I knew the risks so it was on me if I got myself hurt.

  Charlie had said to keep my mouth shut if I wanted to keep on breathing, and from the way Max had just verbally smacked me down in ten words or less had solidified the notion. Charlie was a cop, so she’d know.

  I watched his back as he thumped down the bleachers and dissolved into the crowd like the demon he was. I’d been sitting here oblivious to everything around me, but now that my attention had been brought to the whispers, I felt eyes on me. Vicious, gossiping, threatening eyes.

  What was I doing here?

  Overly conscious about my aching jaw, ribs, and the stupid cast on my arm, I rose to my feet, my expression pure darkness. Assholes. Who needed them.

  Jumping off the edge of the stands, I elbowed my way through the throng of people, not giving a shit who I pissed off. I heard a few choice words as I strode from the warehouse. Once I felt the cool night air on my skin, I let out the tension across my shou
lders.

  Thieves, bastards, thugs, criminals, low life scum of the earth. How could I think I ever belonged here? After everything, The Underground felt like the place I deserved to be—not that I wanted it, but that was beside the point. People like me belonged in places like that. Didn’t they?

  Taking a deep breath, I listened to the muffled sound of the crowd inside and stared up at the sky. The stars shone through the light pollution of the city—but only just—and I found myself thinking about Sparks. What would she make of all this? It’d probably scar her for life, and it was just another reason we weren’t made for one another. Maybe it was a good thing she hadn’t called.

  Leaning against the wall, I narrowed my eyes as a group of young men walked past me. They glanced between themselves before sizing me up.

  “That’s that Steel guy,” I heard one of them mutter.

  “The dude who got his ass beat?”

  Rolling my eyes, I turned away from them as they disappeared into the warehouse. Maybe I was a fucking idiot for coming back here. I’d been so desperate to prove myself, to get a little bit of money and respect, but all I got was my ass beat into hospital. What was I meant to do when I wasn’t even able to fit in at The Underground?

  Still as fucking lost as ever. Don’t you move, boy.

  My phone began to ring in my pocket, vibrating against my leg, and I jumped, my heart hammering in my chest. I was almost expecting a gunshot to split the air, but it was the stupid default tone on my iPhone.

  Yanking it free, I glanced at the screen. I didn’t recognize the number, and my first thought was Sparks. I hoped it was her because when I slowed the fuck down and thought about it over the last two weeks, her face was the only one I’d hoped to see just as much as my Mum’s…and that was saying something considering the state I’d been in.

  Pressing the green button on the screen, I slid the phone against my ear and said, “Yeah?”

  “Josh?”