Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  It was fine. No big deal. There were probably hundreds of families just on the few miles of beach stretch by here. What were the chances that—

  I shrieked.

  I could be woman enough to admit that I shouted at the top of my lungs the second something brushed my leg in the water.

  I could also be woman enough to admit that when whatever it was touched me, and I yelled in this high-pitched voice that could have made a dog howl, I jumped.

  I jumped in the air.

  I projected myself at the closest thing to me despite being hip-deep in the water. That closest thing being six feet two inches of man named Aaron. Except at that point, Aaron hadn’t been facing me or had his back to me, we had been practically beside each other, and it was only his lightning-quick reflexes at hearing me shout that he managed to catch me right before I barreled into him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked quickly, his right arm winding around my waist instantly as he tipped that handsome face down to look into the mostly clear water below us. I wasn’t imagining the protective, worried expression that had taken over his features the moment I’d shrieked. It had been there, for sure.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I gasped, looking down too, suddenly embarrassed that I’d… done that.

  “What happened?” he asked, still sounding worried as he turned us in a half circle to look at another area. “Did you step on a ray? Are you all right?”

  I swallowed and tapped his shoulder so he could let me down.

  He didn’t. He was still looking around at the water. Still holding me against him.

  Of all the things… “Something touched me,” I admitted, sounding just as sheepish as I should have.

  He got it.

  He stopped, his head rolling up slowly while I was there, for all intents and purposes, on top of him. One of his eyebrows went up and he asked, taking his time with every word, “Something touched you?”

  Way to go, Rubes. I fought the urge not to cough and almost lost. I wanted to look away too, but I’d done this to myself. I had to own up to it. “I think it might have been a fish…,” I mumbled just loud enough so chances were in my favor that he didn’t actually hear me.

  He did. It was the way he swallowed that told me he’d heard. I could see a brown iris move in my direction. I could feel the tension in his upper body as he kept talking slowly, “There’s no fish around here.”

  “It’s the ocean. Of course there are fish around here. He might have just swam off really fast.”

  I didn’t need to look directly at his eyes to know he was blinking. His voice was a little hoarse. “You think so?”

  He was so full of crap.

  “Maybe.”

  Those lips went tight together, so tight there was a line of white where they met. His throat bobbed and I knew, I knew he was trying not to laugh. “Ruby,” he practically whispered my name. “Honey, how many times have you been in the ocean?”

  I felt myself deflate just a little even though he’d called me honey. Honey. What you’d call a sweet little kid who fell off her bike and eaten asphalt. “A lot.” I cleared my throat and gave him a strong side-eye, seeing him just well enough. “But I’m more of a pool person usually. You know, Houston. You don’t exactly go to Galveston to swim for hours.”

  He was pinching his lips together tighter as he nodded, his grip still firm. He’d stopped blinking at some point. The fingers on my hip tightened.

  I could tell. I could tell he was about to make a joke about it, so I beat him to it with a “Shut up” that had him swallowing even harder than any time before.

  His eyes were closed and he was smiling like an idiot when he said, “The only fish I’ve seen were minnows by the edge of the water.”

  “Sure,” I agreed, not hiding my frown of shame as I extended my legs, wanting to get down, and he slowly, finally lowered me until my feet dipped back into the water.

  He was still grinning and trying so hard not to laugh when he pointed toward Des and Brittany further ahead of us, already deeper in the water, dog-paddling. He snickered, his voice shaky, “Safety in numbers.”

  All I did was give him a dirty look, deciding I deserved that, but walked beside him further into the water until we met up with his friends, my paranoia right there. Brittany smiled brightly at me, her head slightly propped out of the water, from where she was now partially floating on her back. “Did you get stung?”

  “Excuse me?” I asked like an idiot.

  “Did you get stung by a jellyfish? We heard you yell,” she explained.

  My face turned red; without a doubt in my mind, it had to have. There was no way it hadn’t. Where was a big wave when I needed one? “Oh, uh, no. I stepped on something,” I gradually managed to get out, looking straight forward and not at the man at my side.

  “It was sharp,” Aaron breathed out from where he stood not even a foot away. “Really sharp.”

  If Des or Brittany saw me kick him from the side, neither one of them said a word.

  “I know, Mom. I love you too.”

  The sigh that came over the receiver had me shaking my head. “If you loved me,” she started to say for about the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes we’d been on the phone.

  “I do love you. I’m fine, I promise,” I assured her from my spot sitting cross-legged on the bed of the room that I’d be sleeping in for the rest of the week. “I’m having a good time and you’d like everyone I’m with.”

  My mom made a noise that said she didn’t want to believe me, but… “Fine. Okay. I know you’re not a liar, Rubella. Not like these other kids who only call me when they want something.” She muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like Jasmine’s name. “Be careful and text me at least once an hour.”

  I snorted.

  “Okay, okay,” she countered, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “Text me at least and let me know Jaws hasn’t come and eaten you.”

  And then I wondered why I was such a chicken. I couldn’t trip without my mom claiming I was “this close to breaking my leg.”

  “With my luck, it’ll be Shamu that gets me, but okay, I’ll text you and let you know everything is okay,” I assured her.

  “Love you, Squirt.”

  “Love you, Mom. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight,” she said before hanging up. It was already way past her usual bedtime.

  I’d been surprised when my phone had started ringing at nearly midnight that Sunday night and I’d seen her name flashing across the screen. I’d been in bed on my computer after a long day at the beach that had given me a hint of a sunburn on my neck and shoulders. Des and Brittany had made dinner that night, some kind of wedding meatball soup that had been so delicious everyone had gone for seconds and thirds. Afterward, we’d all gathered around the television in the living room and watched the first Star Wars movie. Aaron had caught my smile while he’d loaded it into the DVD player, and I’d known he’d suggested it just for me. I knew it.

  I had started falling asleep on the couch toward the end, and by the time the credits were rolling, I’d told everyone goodnight and headed downstairs while they all stayed up there doing… whatever it was they were doing.

  But now, getting off the phone with my mom after a fifteen-minute-long conversation… I wasn’t so sleepy. I knew there was no way I could fall asleep. Besides, I’d taken a nap beneath the beach umbrella for an hour at some point after we’d eaten a lunch of sandwiches and chips, before heading back to the water for more.

  For a few moments, I debated staying in my room, just fooling around on my computer since I didn’t have anything to work on, but decided I didn’t want to. Opening the door, I could hear the sound of a television on in one of the rooms, but couldn’t tell which one it was. The lights seemed to be off beneath the door of each one.

  Up the stairs, I found all the lights on, even the television. Sitting in front of it, on the big couch with his feet propped up on the white wicker coffee table, with his arms c
rossed over his chest, was the only person in the house I would have really wanted to see. He must have heard someone coming up the stairs because his head rolled to the side, his expression calm and almost blank, and when it must have registered to him that it was me, a small smile covered his mouth.

  He gestured me over with a tilt of his head.

  I went. Of course I went. “Hi,” I said as I crossed in front of the coffee table and plopped down on the couch cushion beside him.

  “Hey,” he whispered, his head lolled to the side to watch me as lazily as possible. “Woke up?”

  “No, my mom called. I just got off the phone with her,” I explained.

  “Everything all right?”

  The fact that he’d worry something wasn’t right as the first thing, made my chest ache. “Yeah, she just wanted to make sure I was still alive,” I tried to joke, watching for a hint of a smile or some kind of pleased expression on his face.

  And there it was. “You told her we’re treating you good?”

  “Yes. I told her she’d like all of you a lot,” I said. “You can’t sleep?”

  He shook his head, so lazy his neck didn’t even support it so he could do it properly. “I’m tired, but I can’t wind down.” Unlike me, he hadn’t napped on the beach. I hadn’t asked why he didn’t, but I could guess.

  “You don’t want to lie in bed and see if that helps?”

  He didn’t say anything for a second, and I was just starting to think he was going to ignore my question when he said, “That room makes me claustrophobic. I can sleep in there, but I can’t… hang out in there.”

  I wasn’t sure I understood, but I smiled and nodded at him anyway. “Want me to grab you a pillow and a blanket so you can try to sleep out here?”

  “No, Rubes, I’m all right,” he replied. “I’ll get over it. I just need to wait it out.”

  “It’s not the same thing, but I have a hard time falling asleep most nights too. I can’t get out of my head, I think about all these things, and it keeps me up.”

  Those brown eyes blinked lazily. “Like what?”

  I hesitated and lifted my shoulders, remembering that this was him. “Everything. I nitpick little things I did or said throughout the day. I think about things I can’t control. I used to think about what I would do the day I quit my jobs, and if I could do my own business, or at least find something or someone with work that appreciates me more…. That’s how you know I was pretty much fantasizing. I know that would never happen. I just… I’d lie there and think about everything. Even other people’s problems. My dumb problems. It’s kind of lame.”

  “That’s not lame.”

  I shrugged.

  Aaron watched me for a second before letting out a long breath, his eyes going up to the high ceiling of the living room before flicking back down to meet mine. “I think about stuff too.”

  “Like what?” I asked, figuring the worst he’d give me was a vague answer.

  But he didn’t. “Like you said, shit I can’t control. Could never control. I go back and replay things from years ago and wonder what I could have done differently.”

  I didn’t want to interrupt him, but at the same time I had a dozen questions I wanted to ask him. The problem was, I’d realized that while I wouldn’t call him secretive, there were a lot of things he didn’t want to talk about. Things he actively avoided. As much as I might want to know, I didn’t want to force him to do something he didn’t want to do. I hated when people did that to me, so I kept my mouth shut as he kept going.

  “I think about what the hell I want to do and then think about how I don’t know what that is.”

  “What do you mean?” I couldn’t help but ask.

  His chest rose and fell, and he glanced back at the ceiling, his body language trying to tell me this was casual, but I knew it wasn’t. “I don’t know what I want to do when I get out, or even if I want to get out,” he explained, and I figured he was talking about the army. “The idea of… failing… of not figuring things out really messes with me.”

  I must have reared back at his comment. “If you’re a failure, I am too. But we’re not.” Maybe I was, but I couldn’t admit that right then.

  He shook his head in this way that seemed a little too resigned for me, and when he went back to his tactic of changing the subject, it made my skin ache. “I’ve stopped trying to look forward to things too, and I don’t know when that started.”

  Was that the sound of my heart breaking?

  Aaron still wasn’t looking in my direction as he continued. “I want to, you know? I want to be excited about things, but it’s hard. I expect the worst all the time. I know I’ve told you before I don’t like to focus too much on the future, but sometimes when all you can focus on is what’s going on right now… it’s tough. It’s all kind of one giant thing. Not knowing what I want to do, not being able to look forward to what’s to come. I just need to figure it out. I will, I’m just tired I guess,” he tried to explain, his tone a little tired, a little glum. That blond head of hair rolled to the side and Aaron widened his eyes, shaking his head like he could just shake off his thoughts and mood. “I’m a blast to be around, huh?”

  His words were sarcastic, but I knew he didn’t mean them to be rude. So I told him, trying to stay broad with my statement because his words weighed down on me so much, “I wouldn’t call you a party. You’d be more like the bartender at the party, making sure everyone else was having a good time,” I tried to joke. “I’m not the best person to give you life advice or anything, but I get it, to a certain point, what you mean. Everyone needs something to look forward to. You don’t have to live your life anticipating the future or dreading it, but you can have these little things you look forward to every day. I know you’ll figure everything out. You don’t have to do it right now.

  “I hated high school,” I confessed. “The only way I got through it was because of my friends. I’d look forward to eating lunch with them and planning what we’d do that weekend. I hated college too, and the only reason I finished it was because I kept telling myself that the faster I passed my classes, the faster I’d get out of there and do what I really wanted to do. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Mahogany eyes lingered on me for a moment, looking too thoughtful.

  “Anything can happen any time, Aaron. You have to take what you can get when you can get it,” I said to him, giving him a smile that I hoped he appreciated.

  There was something about his nod that made me feel like there was so much about him I still didn’t completely understand, and maybe I never would. And it wasn’t my place or my responsibility, and it sure wasn’t a good idea, but I reached across the sofa and covered the top of his hand, which had been resting on his chest, with mine. And I squeezed it.

  And I told him, “You can start small. Look forward to… the smell of fresh coffee. The smell of a pizza you’ll have for dinner. The way nice, clean, cool sheets feel when you crawl into them.” I squeezed his hand and made sure those brown eyes were on me when I told him, “Plumbing.”

  The smile that came over his face at my last word was worth… everything. Everything in my kingdom for that smile. I’d never felt more powerful in my life than I did in that moment.

  And then, like he hadn’t just slayed me, Aaron murmured, “Have I told you today that I’m glad you’re here?”

  “Not today.”

  He spread his fingers and laced them through mine, still smiling. “In that case, I’m really glad you’re here, Ru.”

  It shouldn’t ever surprise me why I was so caught up with him. It really shouldn’t. Who else would ever be half as warm and kind and funny as this man beside me? I should be grateful he treated me the way that he did when all that was between us was friendship. How would he be with a girlfriend?

  The brush of his thumb along the side of my hand had me snapping out of my daydreaming. “You never told me you finished college or what you went to school for.”

  “Oh
.” I scrunched up my nose. “I did. Accounting.”

  He blinked. “Accounting?”

  “Yeah. It’s what my mom and dad both went to school for. I didn’t know what else to study, and I’m not too horrible with numbers.”

  He made an amused sound of disbelief. “I can’t see you being an accountant.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, me neither. I hated it. But by the time I realized how much I hated it, it was too late and I wasn’t about to waste my mom’s money and the partial scholarship I’d gotten and start over. That’s why my mom and her husband are always trying to get me to join the company they work for. I have a degree in it. It would make sense.”

  “Why didn’t you go to school for fashion design?” he asked, catching me totally off guard, because how the heck did he even know you could go to school for that?

  It took me a second to get my thoughts together because I was so thrown off. “Ah, because everyone told me I needed to get a ‘real’ degree.” Was that disappointment I was feeling in myself or something else? “Both my parents said I needed to finish school so I could have a ‘backup,’ and I always figured I could do whatever I wanted to do afterward. I told you I did my alteration work and the dresses on the side the entire time.”

  Aaron nodded, but I could tell he didn’t agree with what I’d done.

  Honestly, a part of me understood. It had been a waste for me to go to school for something I wasn’t passionate about. Here I had this degree, and I would still rather make a fraction of what I could and do what I wanted instead. But I’d done what my parents wanted, like I always had.

  “I know it’s stupid,” I reasoned, taking my turn to be way more nonchalant about something that wasn’t. “But I can’t take it back now. I’m trying not to always do what everyone else wants me to out of guilt and just wanting to make them happy. Anymore at least. That’s why I’m here.”

  His mouth twisted to the side and he nodded, giving my fingers a squeeze where they were, not having moved even a little bit off his chest. “I want that for you too, Ru. You’re a lot braver and self-reliant than you give yourself credit for, you know that?”