Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  My traitorous eyes slid toward the bar even though I knew better. And I saw that the waitress had her hand really close to Aaron’s on the bar counter. I glanced back as fast as I could, luckily beating out Brittany’s gaze. I was too strung out to notice the frown on her mouth.

  “She’s a real fucking flirt, isn’t she?” she stated under her breath, her eyes narrowing.

  Pressing my lips together, I tried to act stupid. “Who?”

  “The waitress,” she said, still looking in that direction. “Every time we came in here last time we visited, she was just a little too friendly even to Des, seeing me sitting next to him. I don’t like it.”

  I couldn’t tell her I didn’t like it either, but I smiled like I could understand where she was coming from. “Des is really cute.”

  That had Brittany instantly grinning over at me. “He is, huh?”

  I nodded.

  “Aaron’s not too hard on the eyes either if you like that kind of Captain America thing,” she joked.

  Yeah, me playing it cool ended there. I didn’t trust myself not to say something stupid and instead giggled. Giggled. How much more fake could I get? I hadn’t giggled since I was seventeen and around Hunter.

  It must have been obvious I was full of crap because she laughed. “I’ve tried asking Des what’s going on between you two and he says he doesn’t know.”

  “Oh, there’s nothing—”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “Really, there’s nothing. He called me his little sister one day,” I explained, reaching up to scratch at my neck.

  Brittany’s mouth twisted to the side for a second, like she thought I was full of crap, but she didn’t say anything else, settling for just taking a sip of her iced tea.

  There was another laugh from the bar that had my throat knotting up, and I knew what I needed to do. Pushing my plate forward, I took another sip of my water and shoved my chair back. “I was thinking about taking a walk around and see if I can find Mindy.”

  She nodded, her expression focused on the bar again until her eyes flicked to mine briefly. “Want me to go with you since Prince Charming over there is busy?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “I’ll be fine, unless you want to come.”

  “I’m saving to buy a house. I shouldn’t be doing any shopping right now. I don’t have any self-control,” she explained.

  “Okay,” I told her a little too quickly, my smile a little too brittle as another cute laugh made its way to our mostly empty table.

  My hands were not shaking as I pulled out the approximate amount of money my bill was going to be plus tip and left it in the center of the table. I was not about to cry. No. No. No. When I forced my eyes not to blink, I reasoned that they needed some ventilation, not because I was worried one bad blink would lead me to burst out crying.

  “I’ll see you in a minute then.”

  On my feet, with my purse going over my head, I told myself not to look at the bar again.

  And I failed. Like usual. Like I did at most things.

  This time, the three men were all sitting at the counter, listening to the waitress talk openly about who knows what. And they were all smiling. Who was I to get mad about someone making Aaron happy when all I’d heard was how unusual it was for him to have those kind of reactions?

  I wanted to be jealous and petty, but I couldn’t be.

  That was a lie. I could. But I wouldn’t let myself.

  And so, even though my hands shook and sweated, I shot Brittany another smile and wormed my way through the crowd of tourists, heading toward the door. The cool air was more than welcome on my nostrils even if it did nothing for the ugly, bitter feeling bubbling around in the pit of my stomach at the stupid image in my head of Aaron smiling and laughing at another woman. God, I was acting worse than a crazy girlfriend.

  Of all the men in the world I could be nuts about, I had to be in love with the one who saw me as something I didn’t want to be. What was wrong with me? It was like I was asking for the heartbreak since I knew darn well what I was getting myself into. I did this to myself every freaking time, didn’t I? Always. Always falling for the one guy who couldn’t and didn’t see me as more than a friend.

  What was wrong with me? Who kept doing this kind of crap to themselves willingly? Knowing how this would end?

  Way to go, I told myself. Way to freaking go.

  No wonder. No freaking wonder I was where I was.

  Maybe I’d been looking at this relationship business the wrong way all along. Maybe I shouldn’t expect fireworks and heart eyes straight from the beginning. Maybe falling in love or liking someone was gradual and it took a few dates. Maybe.

  After all, I was listening to my mom who had been married four times.

  Maybe I really was expecting too much.

  Shoving my hands into the pockets of my shorts, I looked up and down the nearly deserted street and went left, my heart feeling so heavy it was hanging around my belly button. There was hardly anyone out and about as I speed-walked toward the shops I’d seen on the way over, literally fifty feet away from the pub’s entrance.

  I’d barely made it halfway down the block when my phone vibrated against my hip, where the body of my purse was resting. Stopping on the corner, I pulled it out and forced a shaky breath out of my mouth that was immediately followed by a tear that rolled out of my eye. I wiped it before it made it far, and stared at the NEW MESSAGE AARON HALL on the screen. Swiping my finger across the screen to unlock it, I told myself the same thing I had from the moment I became aware I had feelings for him. He didn’t see me the way I wanted him to, and even if he did, did I want to be with someone who kept so much to himself?

  Not really, my head said, but my heart said it could deal.

  I opened the message.

  Aaron: Where are you?

  Standing there on the street, I typed back my reply.

  Ruby: Going to look for Mindy.

  I had possibly taken five steps forward after sending the text when my phone vibrated again.

  Aaron: What way did you go?

  I squeezed the phone in my hand and took a deep breath, reaching up to wipe at my face the second I thought I felt another tear in my eye. I was such a loser. Why was I tearing up?

  Ruby: Left.

  I answered him honestly even though I didn’t want to. I typed out another message.

  Ruby: You don’t have to come. I’m fine. I won’t get lost. Text me when you’re done.

  I sent it and then added :) because that wasn’t passive-aggressive enough.

  Aaron: Ruby

  That was all his response said.

  Ruby: It’s okay. You need to hang out with your friends too and not spend all day babysitting me.

  I typed up I’m used to being alone, but deleted it because that didn’t sound all melodramatic and pathetic at all. Instead, I settled for I’ll be with Mindy. Have fun.

  Putting my phone back into my bag, I reached up to my face and pressed my fingers against my brow bone, my thumb on my cheekbone, and let out a shaky breath. I needed to get over this crap, or at least learn how to deal with it better, ASAP. I couldn’t be a jerk to him because of the things going on in my head that he had no part of. I couldn’t be mad at him for flirting with a pretty woman.

  …Even if it felt like everything inside of me had gotten beaten up, and I felt defeated and more than a little alone.

  My phone didn’t vibrate again as I slipped into the first shop I found open. Mindy wasn’t in it, but I walked around the glassblowing store, taking in all the knickknacks there. Then I went into a souvenir shop and spent some time in there, buying a small magnet for my mom and Ben that was on sale. After that there was a T-shirt store, an art gallery… I must have spent an hour going from one business to the other, never coming across Mindy. It wasn’t until my phone started ringing that I finally pulled it out again. Aaron’s name flashed across the screen.

  I held back a sigh as I went to answer it. “He
llo?”

  “Where are you?”

  I smiled at the man behind the register as I walked out of the shop, trying to remember what direction I’d come from. “At a store. I couldn’t find Mindy. Are you all done?”

  “She just got back here a minute ago. I thought you were going to be with her?”

  I knew I was in one of my rare crappy moods when his worry irritated me. “I was going to, but I couldn’t find her. I’ll head back if you’re ready to go.”

  There was definitely a sigh over the receiver followed by a, “We’ll see you here. Be careful.”

  Squeezing my hands at my sides, I shook off the emotions I could and started walking back in the direction I’d come. It didn’t take me more than ten minutes to make it back to the restaurant after I’d taken a wrong turn a block too early. By the time I made it, I could see the group standing on the street right by the two cars. Brittany was by her white Alero, keys twirling in her hand. The one blond in the group, the one I could probably recognize from a mile away stood beside the passenger door of his pickup, his head swinging left to right, up and down the street.

  It was Mindy who spotted me first.

  “I had no idea you were looking for me, I’m sorry,” she said immediately once I was close enough.

  “It’s okay,” I assured her, making sure to keep my gaze on her face and her face alone.

  “I’ll give you my number for next time,” she offered, already rattling off numbers before I even had my phone out.

  “I’m sorry for taking so long,” I apologized to the other four, the second Mindy stepped aside. Brittany looked fine, but the three men… not so much. Even with more than five feet between us, I could see the red in Max and Des’s eyes. I still hadn’t glanced at Aaron because, what was the point?

  How much had they had to drink?

  “Yeah, you’re going to need to drive,” Brittany said, as if reading my mind.

  Thankfully, Aaron wasn’t an idiot because he asked, “Ruby, can you drive?”

  I nodded, finally glancing in his direction but setting my gaze on his mouth. I started to say that maybe I wasn’t the best person to drive a big pickup around, but with Mindy’s arm in a cast, who else would do it? So I settled for a crusty, “Sure.” I only had to drive. I could do it. I knew enough people with trucks. If they could do it, I could too.

  He didn’t toss the keys, and I was thankful for it. Walking toward him, I took them from his hand, noticing he held them a moment longer than he needed to, and walked around to the driver side of the door. The doors were already unlocked as I lunged up on to the first step and then swung inside the cab as Aaron took the passenger seat and Max and Mindy took the bench in the back. I didn’t look at him as I adjusted the seat so I could reach the pedals, and I didn’t look at him as I messed with the mirrors either. I also definitely didn’t look at him as I pulled his truck onto the street.

  “Want me to navigate you back?” Mindy asked from the back seat.

  “Yes, please,” I told her, fully aware I only knew the basics on where we were supposed to be going.

  It wasn’t until we were basically on the straight shot back to the beach house that Aaron’s question came at me, like he was trying to be quiet, but it wasn’t happening. “Did you buy anything?”

  He was my friend and I had no reason to get weird. With my hands tight on the steering wheel, I glanced at him quickly and gave him a smile that was totally tight. “Just a magnet for my mom and her husband.”

  “Nothing for you?”

  In a grumpier tone that I intended, I told him, “No.”

  “You didn’t find anything you liked?” he asked.

  “There were a few stores with really nice things in them,” I told him, trying to sound normal. Nonchalant. Fine. “I just can’t… you know, be spending money on things I don’t need right now.”

  “I would have spotted you if you wanted something.”

  Flexing my fingers around the steering wheel, I reminded myself that none of this was his fault. He was just trying to be nice to me. He was always trying to be nice to me. And it made me feel guilty because why did I deserve it? I hadn’t done anything special for it to be called for.

  He had no idea how I felt about him. He didn’t deserve my pissy attitude. If I was Jasmine right now, I’d tell her to stop being a brat.

  Torn between feeling bad and still holding on to that residual anger simmering in my veins while I flashbacked to the pretty waitress he’d been talking to, I swallowed the golf ball in my throat and really, really tried to be normal. To be kind. To be fair. “That’s okay, but thank you,” I said, only sounding about half as ungrateful as I needed to, my voice higher and squeakier than normal, betraying me. “I already owe you enough.”

  Maybe I hadn’t needed to add that part to the end.

  “You don’t owe me anything,” Aaron practically whispered.

  “If you say so,” I responded just as quietly, my fingers squeezing the steering wheel.

  “Ruby—”

  I shook my head and shot him a wary smile quickly before glancing forward again, the lie on my lips, the ache in my heart. “You’re a really good friend to me, stalker. Thank you.”

  I might have been fine the rest of the night if he’d responded, if he’d said anything, but he didn’t. He just turned his attention toward the window and didn’t say hardly another word to me the rest of the night.

  Chapter 19

  I woke up early the next morning again all on my own. Whether it was because I was somewhere my body subconsciously knew wasn’t my bed back in Houston, or if it was because I had Aaron, Aaron, Aaron so imprinted on my brain that I didn’t want to sleep longer than I absolutely needed to, I had no idea. All I knew was that it was thirty minutes after six when I reached for my phone and sent my mom a message telling her I was alive.

  It was three minutes later I got a response from her that said Good. Keep it that way.

  I’d showered the night before once we got back from the restaurant, but the idea of being in a bathing suit all day, even knowing that there was no one other than me who would notice or care if my legs were shaved smooth, I headed back into the bathroom and took a quick one. After getting dressed, the house was quiet like it had been every other morning. I headed upstairs to see the sun already rising. I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen, and instead of heading out to the balcony like I’d been doing, I leaned against the kitchen counter and sipped at my water, looking around the kitchen and living area, trying to get my thoughts together in a place that wasn’t where Aaron had been surprising me every morning with breakfast.

  If that didn’t make me sound like a bitter jerk, I didn’t know what would.

  I was disappointed in myself, honestly—especially the more I thought about our situation, the situation I found myself in with Aaron. The part of my brain that wasn’t ruled by hormones and emotions, that had watched people around me struggle with relationships and friendships and judged them for their actions, knew I was being crazy. It knew it. It realized and accepted that I had zero claim on this man I was in love with who brought me breakfast and fixed my sunscreen for me and taught me to fish and made me feel special.

  The part of me that didn’t want to hear any of this BS about how any relationship between Aaron and me was never, ever going to happen, wanted to call time-out and rage over it.

  He may or may not have flirted with another woman.

  He didn’t want a relationship.

  I was his friend Ruby.

  These were the most important facts of all the things I knew.

  After those were: there were things he hadn’t wanted to tell me about his past, and there were things he didn’t want to tell me in general. I’d put all that together. What I could or would do about it was yet to be determined. I wasn’t the pushy type, and the last thing I wanted to do was force him to tell me something that he didn’t want to, for whatever reason he had. At no point had he given me a reason not to t
rust him, I knew that for a fact.

  But… I really wanted him to trust me. And if I was going to be real honest with myself, it hurt my feelings that he hadn’t and didn’t. And I could live with it or I couldn’t, the choice was up to me.

  No biggie.

  Right.

  Maybe I had been better off not caring about dating and men and relationships. This crap was way too complicated. I wasn’t built for this. At the rate I was going, everything was going to make me cry silently into a pint of ice cream.

  With a sigh, and with the remainder of my water bottle in hand, I headed out to the balcony, hugging my legs to my chest once I’d sat down.

  There were only four full days left until I flew back to Houston, and the notion made a lump fill my belly… but I tried my best to ignore it and just clear my head and enjoy the moment. I didn’t have to dread whatever came, or didn’t come, in the future. Sometimes things worked out and other times they didn’t. I’d go to San Francisco to visit my dad for a while, and then I’d head back home and keep on trying to expand my business. Somehow. If not… well, I wasn’t sure what Plan B was exactly.

  Plenty of people didn’t figure out their lives for a long, long time. It wasn’t a big deal if I still hadn’t sorted out what I was supposed to do. Maybe it was a good thing that Aaron was just my friend. Who was I to be in a relationship with someone when my life was all over the place?

  I’d survived having feelings for someone who didn’t share them in return with me before. I could survive it again. I would have to.

  I needed to—

  It was the sliding of the deck door that had me glancing over my shoulder to find Aaron there, one shoulder coming through the door first before another one followed. His hands were awkwardly up at his sides as he held a plate in each one. How long had I been outside already? Long enough for him to make food? He didn’t bother closing the door behind him as he came out, giving me something that was supposed to look like a smile but didn’t quite.