Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  When he dropped me off, he asked if I wanted to go to a party with him the next day. I didn’t want to, not really, but I wasn’t going to tell him no. So I went. And I drank too much that night too because I’d been so nervous. I just wanted him to like me. And he was great. I thought that was it.

  I cleared my throat and kept on typing away.

  On the way home, I pretty much threw myself at him. Literally. It was the ballsiest thing I had ever done before I met you. He tried telling me it was a bad idea and that we shouldn’t, but… we did. Once. He took me to his place and it happened. He wouldn’t even look at me afterward. I got dropped off at home and he kissed my cheek without saying anything. The next day he came by and told me we shouldn’t have done that. That he cared about me and thought of me like a little sister, and that he hoped I wouldn’t tell anyone. I told him I wouldn’t, but when he left, I cried for days. I thought there was more to “it,” thought he’d come around one day and apologize because he’d changed his mind, but he never brought it up ever again, and I couldn’t either.

  I knew Aaron saw the way my hands were shaking as I typed on the screen and then set the phone on his knee. I could see him flicking his gaze between my face and the phone as I put my hands in my lap and waited for him to read what I told him. He had to have read what was on the screen at least five times because it seriously took almost ten minutes before he finally wrote a reply. I didn’t miss the way his hands trembled as he set my phone on his leg that time, not mine.

  There were only three words on the screen, but they were the three words I’d hoped he wouldn’t write.

  It was him?

  We both knew who “him” was.

  But I couldn’t actually type the words out and make it a reality. What I did manage to do was turn my head and meet those brown eyes even though I really, really didn’t want to, those irises met mine so openly and evenly, and I nodded.

  Aaron blinked.

  His throat bobbed.

  But his gaze didn’t go anywhere else.

  The breath that came out of his nose was strangled.

  Those brown eyes moved over my face as his hands moved to his knees. He squeezed them. Once, twice.

  And then he looked away and let out another deep breath that ripped the air right out of the room as it filled his lungs.

  I was so stupid.

  I’d been so stupid. Why? Why had I done that? I’d asked myself that a thousand times over the last three years, and I still didn’t have an answer that made me feel any better. Chances were, I never would.

  My heart started racing even faster, and tears pooled in the back of my eyes as I faced forward just like Aaron had done. For a second, I thought about getting up and going to my room, saying I had a headache or something. But I didn’t want to be that person any more. Goose bumps rose on my arms and my stomach started cramping and a part of me wanted to throw up.

  For all the world knew, Squirt was still a virgin. I’d never told anyone about that before. Not even my best friend. Not anyone.

  Only Aaron.

  And I’d kept my secret for this exact reason.

  I lifted my left hand and ignored the way it shook as I swiped it along my lower lash line, holding back tears. I’d tried to justify my actions by telling myself I’d been young and dumb, but it hadn’t helped at all. The only thing that had soothed me had been that no one except Hunter and I had known what happened. I could still remember the bright smile on my mom’s face when I’d walked into the house after he dropped me off—after Hunter had sat inside his car and hadn’t even bothered walking me to the door. She had asked me, looking expectant and happy, “How was it, Squirt? Did you have fun?”

  And in one of the rare moments of my life, I’d lied to my mom and managed not to burst into tears even though I’d wanted more than anything to do that. I had told her, “It was fun. Hunter dropped me off.”

  I’d cried so hard in the shower, trying to get everything off. Off, off, off. When Hunter had shown up to the house the next morning, claiming I’d left my ID with him, I’d been hopeful, so freaking hopeful. But it had only taken him saying two words for me to know I’d misinterpreted why he’d come by.

  The rest was history.

  It had been my fault I’d been dumb enough to hold on to some blind faith that he’d somehow come back into my life in the end. It had been my fault I’d put my life on hold waiting for a love that would never present itself. Everything had been my fault.

  Out of my peripheral vision, I saw both of Aaron’s hands go up to his face, the fingertips pressing against his brow bone as he let out an uneven breath. I could see Max watching him with a frown, as if he couldn’t understand what was his deal. It wasn’t like I would tell him.

  “Aaron,” I whispered, touching the back of my hand to the section of thigh exposed from his shorts riding up.

  He peeked at me from his left eye. And then he was up on his feet, maybe not intentionally shaking off my touch but basically doing the same thing as he strode toward the patio doors leading to the deck and disappearing through them, closing them with a lot more strength than was necessary.

  Max looked at me with wide eyes, his forehead furrowed. “What’s his deal?”

  I wasn’t about to give him a detailed explanation, but I could tell him part of it, even knowing this was his best friend and he might not like me afterward for making Aaron upset. “I think I made him mad.”

  Max’s facial expression changed so quick I almost missed it. He rolled his eyes and let out a snort. “Ah. Don’t worry about it. That just means he cares about you. That’s the only reason he ever gets mad. I piss him off all the time.”

  What was that supposed to mean? I’d just watched him get mad yesterday at whoever he’d spoken to on the phone. Who could it have been then?

  “Give him a minute. He’ll be over it in a sec,” Max assured me easily.

  I hesitated. Did I want to go out there? Nope. But… I thought that maybe I did. Hadn’t I already learned the hard way that when something was bothering him, he shut down and retreated until he was over it? My sister Jasmine was the same way, and even with her I’d learned that sometimes the people who instinctively went with that reaction, needed someone to say “screw it” and go after them anyway.

  The last thing I wanted was for Aaron to think I didn’t care about his feelings, even if I absolutely didn’t want to confront him about anything related to Hunter.

  I gave Max a weary smile as I got to my feet and let out a shaky breath through my mouth before heading toward the deck. I didn’t open the doors quietly, I wanted him to know I was coming, and closed them behind me when I spotted him with his elbows on the deck railing, his fingers laced together. Even with only the light from the living room illuminating the space, I could see the tightness along his jaw and cheekbones. I could sense the rigidity in his body.

  But I wasn’t about to let any of that intimidate me. Not this time.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, approaching him.

  He didn’t look at me. “I’m fine.”

  Everything in me screamed to just go back inside. Go back inside. I didn’t want to do this. But… “I’m sure you are,” I said to him. “But I’m not.”

  That had him cocking his head just enough to the side to look at me out of the corner of his eye. “Can we talk later?”

  Chicken Ruby wanted to agree, but this new Ruby I wanted to be, she might have shaken and cried on the inside, but she said, “I would rather not.”

  “Ruby,” he suddenly sounded exasperated. “I’m not in the mood, all right?”

  “I get it. I’m not in the mood to talk about this either, but I think we should. I think I deserve to know why you’re upset.”

  Aaron shook his head, his gaze straying back in the direction of the beach. “You know why I’m upset.”

  “No, actually I don’t,” I told him, my voice shaking.

  “You… you—” He let out a grunt like maybe he didn’t even kn
ow what he was mad about. “Everything you told me makes sense now. I told you I don’t like feeling stupid.”

  Something inside of me reared up in indignation, in respect for myself, and I got all defensive again. “No one does, Aaron. I don’t like it either.”

  His jaw moved just enough for me to tell he was back to side-eyeing me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You know what that’s supposed to mean. I don’t like being kept in the dark about things either.”

  He could have lied. He really could have. He could have played dumb. He didn’t. Instead, Aaron let out this deep breath that almost seemed like he’d been holding it for years and years and years. Some part of him seemed to deflate, but just as quickly as it had, he sucked in a fortifying breath. “Look, can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  “No.” Where the heck that had come from, I had no idea, but I kept going. “No. You don’t get to push me away and choose when to talk to me about things. I care about you so much, and I’m not going back into the house so you can sit out here and stew and bottle things up. I told you something that I’ve never, ever told anyone, and I didn’t want to. I know I did something stupid, okay? You don’t need to remind me. I’ve lived with that almost every day for the last three years.

  “You keep pushing me to be braver than I feel, and when I finally do, you’re just going to storm out and not talk about it and try to turn this around? I don’t think so, mister. Maybe other people will let you go and do your thing, but I’m not. Not with you,” I said to him, my voice going in and out from normal volume to a whisper as my emotions got the best of me.

  “I’ve gotten to know you, and I know there’s a lot you still haven’t told me, and that’s fine. I figure one day, hopefully you’ll trust me enough to. I know a lot of people haven’t given you a reason to believe in them, but I’m not like that. I’m not one of your ex-girlfriends or anybody else. I promised you I wouldn’t lie to you, and I’m sorry I kept that from you, but I hope you understand how humiliating that was. How much it still hurts me. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t, and it kills me that you might think differently about me because of it.”

  Aaron’s head lowered until his forehead touched the hands he had hanging over the ledge of the balcony. I could hear him breathing. I could sense that his tension wasn’t going anywhere, and I knew, I knew he wasn’t going to break down now. Whatever he was thinking about and getting mad over, wasn’t going to get resolved right then.

  And that notion made a knot form in my throat in disappointment and resignation.

  He didn’t say anything, and I had no words left to give him. So I did the only thing I was capable of then, because I wasn’t about to let myself cry. No way. I settled myself into one of the chairs closest to me and I sat there as Aaron kept standing against the rail of the balcony.

  Neither one of us said another word.

  Chapter 21

  I wasn’t surprised at all when I woke up the next morning and realized I was already in a crappy mood that had nothing to do with being groggy and tired after only sleeping a handful of hours.

  The night before had been exhausting, and that was keeping it simple. Aaron and I had stayed outside for over an hour, with everyone else eventually stumbling off to bed. It wasn’t until he finally took a step away from the rail that he acknowledged I was there again. His fingertips had grazed my knee as he passed by me, his gaze not once meeting mine as he headed toward the doors and shoved one open. Aaron had stood there as I got to my own feet and headed back inside, while he closed it.

  When he started flicking lights off was when I finally headed downstairs and went straight into my room. I figured that if he wanted to talk, he could come to my room and say whatever he wanted to say. Except he didn’t.

  Was he disappointed in me for not being a virgin or for just being a dumb kid and adult? Was he mad at me for keeping it a secret? Or was there something else going on?

  I had no clue.

  What I did know was that I felt exhausted even though I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I didn’t feel like I had the strength right then to sit with him in silence in case he wasn’t ready to talk. Some part of me expected that was how it would go. Hadn’t we gone two weeks without talking in the past? I only had a couple more days left here, and I didn’t want to spoil them, but I wasn’t about to apologize either.

  Frustrated, I unplugged my laptop from where I’d left it charging on the floor, opened it up, plugged in my headphones and began streaming a movie through Netflix. The sun filled the room with color, but I ignored it until the credits scrolled down the screen an hour and a half later. I wasn’t hesitant opening the door to go to the bathroom with my clothes rolled up under my arm. I couldn’t hear a sound in the house, but I didn’t put any thought into it. It didn’t take me long to shower and get dressed, and I took my time putting aloe vera on my neck in my room, noticing that it was already feeling a lot better than when the hot water had initially touched it.

  Feeling brave, I finally left my room with the intent of going to the living area, wanting to just get this awkwardness over with. But I hadn’t even taken a step when I heard the familiar voice talking in almost a hiss upstairs.

  “I don’t understand what you’re expecting from me,” Aaron said in an angry whisper.

  When there wasn’t a response, it confirmed that whoever he was talking to wasn’t someone in the house. I should have gone back into my room instead of eavesdropping, but instead, I just stood there as he kept speaking, his voice a steady, angry thrum throughout the house.

  “Do you need more money, is that it?... Not more money, you just want me to let him know you’re running low, right?... Again? Running low again… How many times is this now? Five? You’ve asked five, maybe six times, to put in a good word for you and I haven’t. I don’t understand why you’d think this time I’d change my mind… I’ve told you, if you want something, call Colin. He might have some sympathy, but Paige and I won’t… What?”

  There went the mention of Colin and Paige again. Was it his mom? I couldn’t think of who else it would be, especially not when there was a mention of a “him” and “more money” like there could be someone else other than his dad this could be about.

  “That’s not my problem. I told you already I didn’t want to talk to you, but every single time you think I’m joking, you think I’ve changed my mind…” Aaron practically growled. “That’s never going to happen. You think I’ve forgotten how you used to cry on demand around Dad? It stopped meaning anything a long time ago. You’ve overused that card, don’t blame me.”

  I didn’t need him to use the “M” word to know it was definitely his mom—his birth mom—he was speaking to. Jesus. Was she asking him for money? Who did that? And what the heck had happened to make him so mad at her?

  Suddenly feeling like a little bit of a jerk for listening in on something I knew down to my bones was extremely personal for Aaron, I turned around and headed back to my room, trying to be as quiet as possible as I closed the door and leaned against it.

  What was I supposed to do now?

  I must have stood there for at least half an hour, playing a game on my phone before I straightened and decided to try this again. Based on the tone of voice Aaron had been using, there was no way that that conversation had lasted too much longer. I was only slightly worried as I headed up the stairs, keeping my ears peeled for any noise, but there was none. I made it halfway into the living room when I found it empty, and looking out onto the deck, I found it was empty too.

  It was the bowl sitting randomly on the kitchen island that had my eyes zooming in on it. There was something that looked like a piece of paper sitting beside it. As I approached it, I could see scrambled eggs, a biscuit, and a tablespoon of jelly inside of it and everything in me stopped. My heart gave a squeeze.

  And the only thing I could think of was that as pissed as he’d been, he’d still made me breakfast.

  Picking up the not
e, I read the words scribbled on it quickly and sighed.

  Have a headache. Going to take a nap. Stay out of the sun.

  Aaron

  At some point, Aaron must have decided he was going to start staring at me again.

  Because that was exactly what he was doing.

  He’d been boring a hole in my direction from the moment he’d climbed up the stairs late that afternoon, looking beyond exhausted in a way I could tell wasn’t just physical. Max had braved the trip to wake him up after we’d all agreed to go out to dinner that night instead of having anyone cook. I hadn’t been sure what exactly Aaron planned on doing with the scallops, so I hadn’t signed up to make something out of them when I’d never messed with them before.

  When he hadn’t come up at noon for lunch, when we usually ate, I made him a sandwich with a side of those gross salt and vinegar chips he liked and a pickle, and went downstairs to offer it up to him. He hadn’t answered when I knocked on his door lightly, and in a move there was no way I would have made months ago, I’d opened his door and peeked inside.

  Sure enough, he’d been curled up on his side, facing away, sleeping soundly, not a snore, not a whistle, nothing coming out of him except the soft inhale and exhale of his breathing. So I’d left the plate of food on the dresser in front of his bed and tiptoed out, closing the door as quietly as possible. I’d spent the day watching TV, with only a thirty-minute break to walk the beach with Mindy, wearing the giant, ridiculous hat that Aaron had given me to wear the day before.

  So when he’d finally come up the stairs in his slightly rumpled clothing and gone straight for the newest package of bottled water, I’d kept my eyes on him. He’d barely finished guzzling an entire bottle when those deep brown eyes moved around the room and landed on me.