Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

  . . .

  The clubhouse was already booming when church let out. We'd only been back in town for about an hour and already, I just wanted to find somewhere dark and quiet to crash.

  Tiny and Doc took a backseat during church and allowed me to relate the details of the drop-off to the rest of the club. There'd been no questions or concerns, other than the obvious misgivings about Ortega's judgment, and I'd been met with simple nods of approval all around the table, even from Heath.

  While I knew this in itself wasn't enough to completely shake off any lingering doubt about my commitment, at the very least, I was on the right track to proving I could lead the club.

  The clubhouse was filled with all the usual suspects and within less than 10 minutes, Casey was already trying to shove tequila shots down my throat. A pair of hands wrapped themselves around my waist, but I just jerked away and sidestepped around the three girls looking to warm themselves in my bed. My tired eyes scanned the smoke-filled room and I frowned when I didn't see who I was looking for.

  Dom and Lexie were already here, right next to Eli and Becca. If Becca was here, wouldn't she be here too? They usually came together, even if I did end up leaving with her to pick up her dad. But if she wasn't at the clubhouse tonight, my mind immediately ticked off all the different possible explanations: something was up with her dad, she was with some new guy, she'd forgotten I was coming home completely—I wasn't exactly happy with any of those scenarios.

  It took me a little longer than I would've liked to get to the pool table where the two couples were currently camping out. Jesus, it was like all the girls in the clubhouse latched on to me and I was dragging every single one of them along the way.

  "Hey, Caleb!" Lexie called out to me as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I grinned at the ever-growing baby bump that nudged into me.

  "Hey, Lex," I leaned down to her. "How's my god-kid doin', huh?"

  "Just fine, Caleb. I'm glad you're back."

  I squeezed her shoulder before slapping Dom on the back in greeting. Then, I wasted no time to get to the heart of the matter and called out to the person most likely able to get me an answer.

  "Hey, Becca, where's Iz tonight? She sick or somethin'?"

  I carefully avoided Dom and Lexie next to me and chose instead to focus on Becca's answer.

  "Uh, I don't know, actually," she yelled out over the music. "I told her to come, but she said she was tired or something like that."

  "Sure, right," I nodded quickly.

  Suddenly, I didn't really feel like mingling here in the clubhouse any longer than I had to. A little small talk here and there, make an appearance...I had three long days behind me, including the longest trip back from Pittsburgh of my life, and I honestly didn't see anything wrong with just wanting to crash somewhere for a while and tune all this other white noise out.

  About 10 minutes later, I found an opening to sneak off to my dorm room and collapsed onto my bed, but not before shaking off another girl in my wake. They were relentless. How did I put up with that shit for so long? I was starting to wonder why I'd ever thought that was a good idea in the first place.

  I punched my pillow in a vain attempt at getting more comfortable and tossed around in my sheets before finally throwing them off altogether. The music, combined with all the yelling and clanging around—it was all just too loud right now. I couldn't hear myself think even if I wanted to.

  With a frustrated huff, I snatched my phone off the end table and flipped it open. It was only 10:30 and here I was, lying in bed alone with the party going on without me. Even stranger yet, I was sort of okay with that.

  But if I was being completely honest with myself, I knew what was really bothering me. If she was out in the clubhouse right now, I knew I'd be out there right next to her. But she wasn't, so I was here instead.

  So, instead of really deliberating about what all that meant, I hit send over her number.

  "Hello?"

  The second I heard her voice, all my agitation and frustration slipped away.

  "Hey, Iz."

  "Hi, Caleb. Everything okay?"

  I could hear the smile in her voice and felt my own tugging across my face.

  "Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

  "I don't know," she replied a little too easily. "Lexie told me you guys usually throw a big party when you come back from runs, so I don't know, I just figured you'd be doing something like that."

  The fact that she expected me to be partying tonight kind of made me want to punch myself, but then again, my past behavior had taught her to expect nothing less. Even despite that, just the sound of her voice calmed the nerves playing hopscotch on my stomach and waiting until our shared shift at the shop tomorrow morning was too long to have to wait to see her.

  "So," I started. "Why aren't you here at the clubhouse?"

  "I wasn't sure I was invited."

  "You're always invited, Iz," I frowned. "Why would you think you weren't?"

  "I don't know. It just kinda seemed like a club thing."

  "Okay," I exhaled and scrubbed a hand over my face. "What's up with your dad tonight?"

  "He didn't go out. Actually, he's already in bed."

  That was new. Still, I was glad we wouldn't have to deal with him tonight because right now, I just wanted her all to myself.

  "Huh."

  "Yeah, I know," Isabelle laughed. "Kinda weird, right? Maybe he's finally realized he has to slow down. So..."

  "It's loud as hell over here," I jumped right into it. You don't ask, you don't get, right? "I'd kinda like just a low-key thing tonight, so would it be alright if I stopped over by your place? I don't know, watch a movie or somethin'?"

  I waited, chewing anxiously on the inside of my cheek, and waited as she seemed to mull over my request.

  "Okay, sure. Come on over. I'll get some popcorn going and I'll even let you pick the movie this time."

  "Awesome, Iz. See ya soon."

  I snapped my phone shut and all but leapt off my bed, shoving my wallet and phone in my pocket. I couldn't get out of here fast enough because for the first time in a very long time, the clubhouse just wasn't where I wanted to be.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Lonesome When You're Gone

  Isabelle

  Popcorn and a few cans of Mountain Dew already waited patiently on the coffee table and I had our movie selection narrowed down, so now all there was left to do was pace nervously around the living room as I listened for the tell-tale roar of a motorcycle engine.

  Texting him last night just made everything worse. My fingers itched by my phone ever since he left and just that small, fleeting contact with him wasn't really enough. While the initial worry for his well-being was still there—Lexie had informed me that runs usually weren't all that dangerous and were also usually followed by rollicking, sex and booze-filled welcome home parties—I'd just felt off-balance the second he'd pulled away from the clubhouse on his bike.

  The last few days I'd walked around like a zombie, lost and wandering around aimlessly. I just had no idea what to do with myself without him.

  It was crazy—I hadn't realized just how much I depended on him for, well, everything, until he wasn't around. Dependence wasn't exactly the right word. Okay, maybe it was, but I think it had more to do with wanting than anything. I didn't necessarily need him to sit by me at lunch, but I wanted him to. I didn't necessarily need him around when I was bored or watching a movie at home by myself, but I wanted him there.

  I missed him.

  He'd only been gone for three days, but it felt like three weeks.

  The actual act of missing him was just as complicated as trying to reconcile why missing him affected me so much.

  Lunch, especially, the last few days was pretty much unbearable. Eating alone just compounded an already hopeless and pathetic situation. Sure, Dominic had taken pity on me today and dutifully ate with me, but the picnic table just felt colossally empty without Caleb sitting across from me.


  At a certain point though, I was just grateful for the company and Dominic was Caleb's stand-in, after all—as he'd so eloquently joked. At first, I was horrified when Caleb told me Dominic knew exactly what was going on whenever we had our 'late night getaways' and I was even more horrified to learn that, through the office grapevine gossip, pretty much everyone in the clubhouse assumed we were secretly hooking up.

  It was as embarrassing as it was untrue. In fact, that couldn't have been further from the actual truth.

  In between small talk about Lexie's baby/bridal shower three weeks from this Friday, followed by their wedding that same weekend—Lexie, apparently, wanted to get it all over with in one shot and I couldn't really blame her—I realized that this happy occasion would also bring Ariel back to town. As far as I knew, Lexie's maid of honor plans hadn't changed, which also might have been part of the reason for this trifecta of baby shower, bridal shower, and wedding all in the same weekend.

  No need to freak out. No need to have a panic attack over nothing.

  Everything was perfectly fine.

  Caleb's ex, the same one whose abandonment had driven him to drown himself in whiskey, women, and weed, was coming back to town in three weeks. No big deal, right?

  After that, focusing on Dominic was about the only thing that kept me from bolting right from the table. We rarely got the chance to actually have a conversation, especially since our interactions usually just amounted to some small talk. With his quiet, observant demeanor and behemoth height, it would be easy to feel a little intimidated by him, but I was quickly learning there was nothing to be afraid of.

  Besides, I'd needed to call him the night before for help with my dad. Other than the fact that I knew Caleb would crap a brick if he knew I didn't call for help, I also knew how stupid it was to have gone solo for as long as I did when it came to those late-night runs to the seediest parts of Claremont.

  Dominic hadn't said a word; he'd just swung one of my dad's arms around his shoulder and carried him out of The Sundown Saloon, put him in the car, and helped me get him into bed with as much quiet respect as I would've expected from Caleb's best friend and confidante.

  If that didn't bond us, then I didn't know what would.

  And then, as we quietly ate lunch together earlier today, Dominic had not-so-discreetly dropped a few items of intel that I still didn't know how to process.

  "Thanks for your help last night," I'd told him quietly.

  Dominic just batted a hand at me. "It wasn't a problem. Besides, Caleb would kill me if I hadn't, so there's that."

  "Yeah."

  "But at least he'll be back tonight, so if somethin' happens..." he'd trailed off, clearly sensing that this was a pretty sensitive topic. "He really cares about you, you know."

  My head had snapped up and my heart stuttered and spiked in my chest. Dominic had laughed softly, his shoulders shaking a little as he shook his head.

  "Trust me, it's true. He wouldn't have told me any of..." he'd trailed off again and gestured with his hands to convey what he was really trying to say. "Look, I'm just sayin' that Caleb isn't the type of guy to just go spillin' other people's business without good reason. It was just about him tryin' to take care of you. I hope you know that."

  "Yeah, I do," I'd nodded slowly. "He's a good friend."

  Dominic's eyebrows had lifted up high into his forehead. "Right."

  Even as he'd chuckled across from me, it was like he knew something I didn't or maybe...couldn't. And despite my valiant efforts, there was no stopping the hot blush that seeped into my cheeks.

  So, in between wringing my hands over all these feelings, I couldn't exactly distract myself either from waiting around for those art school applications I'd sent in a few weeks ago. If Caleb was here, he would've told that me that it didn't mean anything, that the letters were coming with good news, that I didn't have to worry, that I just needed to wait a little longer—but he wasn't here, and so I'd been driving myself crazy dissecting the possible realities that awaited me when those letters finally arrived.

  Then, because I'd gone crazy, I did something drastic. Well, not exactly drastic as in chopped-off-all-my-hair-and-dyed-it-purple-drastic, but still.

  With my mom's birthday just two weeks away, I figured this was as good a time as any. And since my dad was in no state of mind to help me, the task of sorting out of her closet would've fallen to me eventually anyways. At first, just stepping inside the closet was a trial in itself. The air inside the modest-size walk-in closet still lingered with faint traces of Chanel No. 5, which, not going to lie, I'd absolutely hated when she was alive.

  Old lady powder. Or better yet, old lady vaginal powder. That's exactly what that perfume smelled like. And I'd never been afraid to tell her as much either.

  But now?

  Now, I'd douse my pillow in that stinky perfume and inhale it for the rest of my life if it wasn't just so goddamn painful.

  In just a few hours, I went through the entire thing, making careful piles of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to donate. There were some items that were just too personal, like a half-empty bottle of that gross perfume, some of her beautiful cocktail dresses and matching high heels...items I'd probably never wear, but items I also couldn't bear to part with either.

  The dresses and heels I tucked away in a far corner of my own closet for safe-keeping. Someday, I might want to revisit those dresses, but I just wasn't quite there yet. I'd put the perfume on my vanity in the bathroom mainly because just seeing it there made me feel a little better, not that I had any plans on actually using it.

  However, in a closet full of shoes, clothes, jewelry, old photo albums, a few dusty boxes of my old baby clothes, and a fraying quilt my grandma made years ago, I'd stumbled across a hidden treasure. Well, at least I thought it was. It was the kind of thing I really had no use for, regardless of its actual or sentimental value, and it was also the kind of thing I didn't necessarily feel comfortable having in the same house where my dad went on nightly benders.

  Said hidden treasure was currently waiting patiently on the coffee table in the living room for its new owner to arrive.

  I really hadn't expected to hear anything from Caleb at all tonight—maybe a text, if I was lucky—and I already had my pajamas on and everything. Both Becca and Lexie told me I could and should be at the clubhouse tonight for the homecoming party, but uneasiness kept me home tonight.

  There was really nothing I'd rather do than see Caleb, especially since I'd missed him more than I was ready to admit, but I also didn't want to seem too eager either. And, given what I'd already seen during parties at the clubhouse, I didn't think I could stomach seeing some random girl all over him tonight, let alone see him and said random girl stumble into his dorm room.

  Finally, the roar of Caleb's motorcycle ripped through the walls and even though I thought I'd feel relieved, my heartbeat just spiked in anxious anticipation. It felt like my entire body was on fire as I flung open the door to greet him.

  His hair hung down past his ears, still a little wet from a recent showering, and he was wearing his typical white T-shirt with his Horsemen cut over the top. Nothing out of the ordinary yet seeing him, finally, with that sexy smirk, made my chest wind so tight I thought it might burst.

  He was leaning into the doorframe, waiting expectantly for me to invite him in. That smirk curved, stretching up the side of his handsome face and I just about lost my grip on the door handle.

  "You gonna stare at me all night?" he grinned. "Or are you gonna get over here and gimme a hug?"

  I huffed out a laugh and then I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around his neck. His hands slid around my waist and I couldn't help but shiver a little at finally feeling this again. Leaning into him, I allowed myself one inhale of musk, leather, and grease and just leaned in ever deeper when I realized his nose was practically burrowed in my hair. I just wished I didn't feel so cold when his hands left my waist and I had to reluctantly u
nwind my arms from around his neck.

  "Come on in," I gestured towards the hallway softly.

  Suddenly, Caleb pulled me to him again and practically lifted me off the ground as his biceps squeezed my waist, making me yelp a little from surprise. His hands were in my hair, on my back, all over my waist, and I felt a little light-headed from all of these feelings rushing around me at once. When he finally set me back down, our cheeks collided and my head spun at the feel of his stubble scratching my skin.

  Then I caught the way he was looking at me, with dark, hooded eyes that focused on my lips, and my breath hitched in my throat.

  His hot breath grazed my neck and this time, there was no way to stop the shiver that shuddered through my entire body. Every sense was heightened; every touch felt like it would set me aflame. Caleb exhaled against my neck and then lifted his head as he gently brushed some hair out of my face with his fingertips. For a moment, I could have sworn he leaned forward.

  And then just like that, the spell was broken.

  His arms dropped to his sides and he took a small step backwards, coughing lightly as he slipped off his leather cut and tossed it onto the armchair next to him.

  Awkwardness had taken over the room and I could only try to beat it back.

  "So, um, how was the run?"

  Caleb ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. "It was...interesting, I guess. Things didn't exactly go the way we planned, but it all worked out."

  "That's good," I nodded and shot him a weak smile.

  There was obviously more to the story, but he clearly wasn't going to share those details either. I wasn't entirely sure I needed them anyways—that was one aspect of his life I could honestly say I really didn't know much about and, sometimes, I figured I was better off not knowing.

  Caleb blew out a deep breath before settling down on the couch. He reached forward and cracked open the Mountain Dew can I'd set out for him, gesturing towards the case on the coffee table with his free hand.

  "What's that, Iz?"