Carry Your Heart

by K. Ryan

  "For Dom and Lex, yeah. For my mom and my dad, absolutely. Her and Marcus—I don't know, I think they have an arrangement that works for them and it's honestly something I choose to just not think about, you know? Don't get me wrong, Iz, not everyone in the club has an old lady or even wants one. Some of them just aren't one-woman kinda guys and that's what works for them."

  "But you are," my eyebrows rose as I spoke and it wasn't really a question. I already knew the answer anyways.

  "Yeah," he grinned down at me. "I am. You being my old lady means I will love you and protect you and you'll love me and support me back. And the club will respect that. I know it might not seem like it, but it's something we all take really seriously. Old ladies are looked at as part of the club's family, like an extension of the patch she belongs to. If anything were to happen to an old lady, especially if it was because of club business or something like that, none of us would hesitate to go to battle for her. That would be more out of respect to the club brother responsible for her, but you get the idea."

  "Yeah," I smiled back. "I get it. So, if I'm your old lady, what does that make you then?"

  He shrugged. "Traditionally in the club I'd be your old man."

  I crinkled my nose at that term. That just didn't fit him.

  "I don't know if I want to refer to you as my old man. It kinda makes you seem like you're my dad or a pedophile or something, doesn't it?"

  A low chuckle rumbled in his throat and his shoulders shook with laughter. The arm around my shoulder clenched to lift me up across his body so he could murmur huskily into my hair: "Then I'm just your man, babe."

  "I think that sounds about right."

  I arched my neck up to get better access to his mouth and brushed my swollen lips across his.

  "At some point," his fingertips trailed down my back as he spoke and I shivered under his touch. "Old ladies get their man's ink too. I was thinkin'...when we're ready, you could get mine right here."

  His fingertips brushed my lower back and I lifted a wary eyebrow up at him. All this talk about property and ownership was making me a little itchy.

  "You mean like a brand?"

  "Aw, come on, Iz. It's not like that."

  "So putting it right there isn't like a tramp stamp either?" I countered lightly, but I still needed him to understand that I wasn't totally down with the whole ownership part of this.

  To his credit, he chuckled and kissed me. "It's not like that, babe. Lex has Dom's. My mom still has my dad's. It's like a promise, you know? It means that you're mine."

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "So what would it say, huh? Property of Caleb Sawyer?"

  "No," he laughed. "We'd figure out the design together. ZZ would do it. He does all the club's ink. But my initials would be somewhere on the design. I don't know, I was thinkin' a pair of angel wings would look pretty good on you right there."

  His fingers traced the space on my lower back and in spite of my reservations, I still shivered under his touch. His explanation was logical enough and there was something about the way his eyes pleaded with me to understand and to accept this tradition for what it was, that it was something important to him—needless to say, for better or worse, I was starting to warm up to the idea.

  Still, it did seem a little one-sided.

  "Would you get one too?" I asked him warily. "I seem to remember seeing Lexie's name tattooed on Dominic's neck, you know."

  His mouth crinkled up on one side and I could tell he wasn't exactly surprised by this new line of questioning. "If that's something you wanted, I would."

  "I think it might be. It's only fair."

  He laughed, pressing his lips into the side of my head. "True."

  It was right on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he'd had this very same conversation with his other old lady and that was the first time I also realized what that meant. Maybe I was his old lady now, but I wasn't the only one he'd ever had. I wasn't the first. And if he wanted me to get his ink now, I could only imagine that he'd wanted the same thing with Ariel too.

  I was faltering again. Swept away in hesitancy and self-doubt already and we hadn't even been together for a full 12 hours yet. I hated it, but I couldn't help it either.

  "Hey, babe?" Caleb's soft voice called out to me. "You okay?"

  Swallowing back my doubts for now, I forced a smile across my face and hoped he wouldn't notice.

  "Yeah."

  He grinned back at me, oblivious to the way I'd frozen in fear in his arms. "So, Dom and Lex are gettin' married on Saturday."

  Hmm, maybe he had caught on after all.

  "They are."

  "Well, I was hopin' it would already be a given since you're my old lady and all, but I think you should be my date."

  My lips spread into a smile before he even finished his sentence. "I think that's a good idea."

  "I thought so. But you should know right now that I'm game for the slow dances and that's about it."

  "I can live with that," I laughed.

  I just hoped I'd be able to live with everything else.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Status Update

  Isabelle

  I spooned some more potato salad into one of the many large bowls in the kitchen and carried it out onto the main floor to set it on the bar. The clubhouse was already filled with women who'd arrived for the shower: old ladies from other charters, friends of the club, Lexie's mom and sisters, Dominic's mom, and an assortment of girls Skyler had recruited for clean-up duty.

  With Lexie scheduled to open her presents soon and food served immediately after, it was only then that the men would officially be allowed back inside their clubhouse. Even though I'd been around the clubhouse for the last four months or so, I was still trying to get a hang of the order of things here.

  Any psychologist or sociologist would have a field day studying this hierarchy where the men essentially regarded women as property, but could just as easily relinquish their lair for a bridal/baby shower. It was a patriarchy that was as archaic as it was misogynistic and yet, I'd willingly attached myself to it.

  I was still working out how I felt about that.

  Everything Caleb had told me, everything that had happened between us, the fact that I was here in the clubhouse at a club-sponsored event as his old lady and that his mom had me setting up for the party with all the other old ladies—I knew it meant I was in this world now and I also knew it meant I had to find my place in it as well.

  I just had no idea where to start because despite the fact that Lexie's shower was about as tame as it would probably ever get in the clubhouse, my head still felt like it might explode.

  A flash of red from across the room caught my eye and I blew out a deep exhale. I'd been trying to avoid Ariel like the plague, purposefully staying on the opposite side of the room and dodging small talk at any cost. Skyler had graciously saved me twice already, but sooner or later, I'd have to look the demon in the eye.

  Ariel had had the balls to breeze into the clubhouse with her arms full of presents and dressed in a skintight red dress that hugged all the curves I'd forgotten she had and showed more leg and cleavage than necessary for a shower like this. Showing up late, over-dressed and over-enthusiastic hadn't sat well with the majority of the party guests, Lexie and Skyler included, and I wished I'd been able to take some consolation in that. But if Ariel had gotten the memo that there weren't too many people here happy to see her, she sure as hell didn't show it.

  I glanced down at my own attire on reflex, just a black maxi skirt with a white tank tucked into it, and shook my head.

  Ariel wasn't fooling anyone and the endgame was obvious. Everyone in the room seemed to already know Ariel was pulling out all the stops today for one reason, and one reason alone: she knew the guys would be showing up right after the present opening for food and cake.

  "Hey, Isabelle?"

  I turned my head at the unfamiliar voice and found an exoticly beautiful girl looking back at me with a he
sitant smile. My lips dipped into a frown as I tried to place where I'd seen her before because I knew I'd...and then it hit me. About three months ago, this very same exoticly beautiful girl with her long, curly chestnut hair and olive skin had wrapped herself around Caleb, walked down the hallway just feet away from where we stood now, and disappeared inside his dorm room with him.

  Don't panic. This is fine. No big deal.

  "Yeah?"

  Daring a glance at this reminder of Caleb's past, I didn't see anything other than courtesy and even a little politeness from her.

  "Hi, um, I don't think I've gotten a chance to...um, I'm Elena, by the way."

  There was a small part of me that briefly considering holding my hand out for her to shake, but no...there was a line to what I could tolerate and this would be stepping over that line in a big way.

  "Hi," I told her instead and pressed a fake smile onto my face.

  "So, um, Skyler told me to ask you if you needed anything."

  I blinked back at her and looked down at the spread on the bar. "There're just a few things left to bring out from the kitchen and I think I can handle that no problem."

  Elena shifted uncomfortably, making her legs flex in those sky-high heels and my throat tightened at the idea that Caleb had seen those same legs up close and personal not so long ago.

  "Actually, that's not, um, that's not what I meant. I'm not supposed to work in the kitchen..." she trailed off awkwardly, glancing down at her shoes and my eyes instantly darted across the room to find Skyler surveying our interaction like a hawk.

  She tipped her chin in the air and winked with a sly smile. I didn't understand much about this culture I'd found myself thrust into, but I liked to believe I had enough common sense to understand what was happening here: the queen bee was giving me status and helping me claim my place.

  "So, do you need something?"

  I hesitated, mainly because I wasn't used to doing this. I could say no and send Elena on her way, but then, everyone else watching this right now would wonder...I wasn't really sure what they would wonder and because of that, I also couldn't really leave it to chance. This was an opportunity and although I knew Skyler would make sure I had more, it seemed like bad form to let it go to waste.

  "Uh, yeah," I told Elena finally with a bright smile. "I would love a beer."

  Elena's face lit up, probably grateful I was going to give her something to do and being polite about it too.

  "Okay, I'll be right back with that."

  I nodded with a smile that probably looked more like an uncomfortable grimace. "Okay then."

  My eyes followed Elena as she stepped around the bar to get me that beer and then my gaze snapped back to Skyler, who was already nodding to me with approval. But when Skyler's dark eyes widened, locked onto something coming up next to me, I had no time to prepare myself.

  "Hey, Isabelle," Ariel's voice called out to me with enough sugar in it to pass as friendly.

  As if on reflex, my eyes darted around the room, searching for someone, anyone to act as some sort of buffer between me and Caleb's ex-old lady, but unfortunately for me, Skyler was way on the other side of the room, Lexie was busy enjoying her shower, Becca was in the bathroom, and that just about covered everyone I knew in the clubhouse right now.

  So, with no other options in front of me, I had to deal with it head-on, and forced a smile onto my face. "Hi, Ariel."

  Ariel's eyes widened when she got a good look at me. "Oh my God. Isabelle, what happened to your face?"

  I blew out a deep breath and instinctively folded my hands in front of me so she couldn't see the wide bandage in the center of my left palm. Sure, a little tact would've been nice, but there was also no way she could've possibly known that the fading yellow bruise underneath my eye was a sensitive topic around here.

  "Uh, you know, it's a long story."

  And it was one I also had no interest in sharing with her.

  She seemed to sense as much and quickly shifted topics. "You're still working at the shop, right?"

  I nodded, eager to get this obligatory conversation over with already. "Yeah, I am."

  Skyler had conspiratorially let me know before the party got rolling that she'd informed Ariel this morning, probably with great pleasure, that her son had officially moved on and had another old lady in his life now...me. I should have been grateful the cat was just out of the bag and out in the open because I had nothing to hide, but if anything, it also made having this conversation a million times more difficult to fake.

  We both knew this was for appearances only and I wanted to get this over with as quickly and as painlessly as possible. When Elena materialized next to me and handed me a beer, Ariel's bright smile quickly contorted into a pained expression of confusion.

  "Thanks," I told her and Elena shot me a quick, respectful smile before stepping away from us.

  Ariel was chewing nervously on the inside of her cheek now and I stared back at her, not wanting to draw attention to the giant elephant in the clubhouse.

  "So, uh, how's school? How's California? It must be really great this time of year. I mean, it's December and you still have what? Seventies and all those palm trees, right?"

  It was all bullshit, but I needed to say something to curb the awkward silence between us.

  Whatever fog was surrounding Ariel, she quickly shook herself out of it and plastered a cool smile on her face. "It's great, actually. I have a great apartment and I'm going to a great school. Everything's just great."

  I nodded slowly. The sadness and insincerity in Ariel's voice was unmistakable and I felt myself bristling a little in response. It wasn't so much that Ariel was obviously unhappy in California—it was what that meant for me that just about sent me into a tailspin.

  Before coming face to face with Caleb's ex, I'd been able to talk myself into feeling confident in our relationship. He'd already told me he loved me—many, many times in the span of one week—we'd spent every night together, he'd told me I was his old lady. What more did I really need? What else could I really expect from him that he hadn't already given me?

  It should've been enough to smother my insecurities about this weekend, but I just couldn't help it.

  And now, standing literally toe to toe with the girl whose abandonment had sent Caleb into such a severe downward spiral he'd had to self-medicate with whiskey, weed, and sex, I found myself battling to keep a crippling panic attack at bay.

  "So, um, Skyler told me you got into a couple art schools?" Ariel was asking me now.

  "Yeah, I did."

  Ariel smiled softly and it almost seemed genuine. "Congratulations. That must be really exciting. Yeah, she told me you got into, like, the number seven school in the country. Is that where you're gonna end up?"

  "Yeah," I nodded carefully. That was the first time I think I'd ever acknowledged it out loud to someone other than Caleb and I really hated that it was to her, of all people.

  For Caleb, it was already a foregone conclusion, but there were still so many unknowns that made going to a school five hours away yet another factor into my panic.

  "Skyler just kept going on and on about how talented you are and how successful you're going to be. You know, if I didn't know her any better, I'd say she was bragging about you a little."

  Her tone made it difficult to tell whether she'd meant that as an underhanded compliment or an actual one, but it was probably best to just shrug it off, especially since starting a catfight with a so-called romantic rival was also pretty bad form.

  "Yeah, well," I just sighed. "Skyler and I get along pretty well, so maybe she was."

  I almost didn't catch the way Ariel's eyes narrowed for just a split second and that was pretty much the end of this conversation. I was trying to be civil; I really was, but Ariel was making it really difficult probably without even trying that hard.

  "Okay, well, I'd better let you finish up here before the herd of hungry men show up," Ariel chuckled as she started to back away.
"It was nice seeing you again, Isabelle."

  "Yeah, you too, Ariel."

  I blew out a deep sigh of relief when Ariel finally backed away and retreated to the other side of the clubhouse, clearly needing distance between us just as much as I did. I weaved in and out through the main floor until I dropped into one of the folding chairs and took a long pull from my beer. This little bit of space allowed me some breathing room and while I normally wouldn't drink a beer, I was grateful I had one now. Suddenly, Lexie, with her round baby belly, eased down into the seat next to me with a plate of food in her hands.

  "Hey, hun," Lexie started cheerily.

  "Hey, Lex. How you liking your party so far?"

  "Oh, you know, it's kinda nice being the guest of honor. Everyone waits on me hand and foot and I always have some barbeque in my hand. It's pretty great actually."

  "Sounds like you've got it made today," I laughed.

  "Exactly," Lexie nodded with a wide smile. "Hey, thanks for all your help by the way. It really means a lot."

  "Don't worry about it," I just swatted out a hand dismissively. "I was happy to do it. Besides, it's not like you don't have anything else going on this weekend, right?"

  "What you mean like a wedding?" Lexie laughed. "Oh right, that. Yeah."

  "No big deal or anything. So, are you nervous or do you just wanna get it over with?"

  Lexie just shrugged. "A little bit of both, I guess. I can tell you I'm definitely more than ready to get rid of this though," she pointed down to her protruding belly, "I am uncomfortable as hell and I still have a month left. Right about now, I'm really hating myself for holding off on the wedding so Dom and I could save some money. We really should've just gone to City Hall or something and been done with it."

  "Or even better yet, why not just do it at the clubhouse? You coulda just turned this party into a wedding."

  Lexie smacked her thigh and shook her head. "Now, why didn't I think of that? That sounds like the best idea ever."

  "Oh well," I laughed. "At least you got a pretty great party out of the deal."

  Lexie beamed back at me. "Yeah, there's that."