by Lauren Dane
“Be horrified. I am. It was a shithole then; I imagine it’s worse of a shithole now.”
“Be that as it may, it has nothing to do with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Says the guy who grew up with a view of Lake Washington out his window every morning before he went to private school.”
“Yes, I did have those things and I’m grateful for them. And yet, it has no bearing on you, or how I feel about you.”
“I hate when you’re calm when I’m being a dick.”
He laughed. “I know, beautiful, that’s why I’m doing it.”
“I knew it! Needling me to get me riled up.”
“You’re hot when you’re riled up.” And she wasn’t thinking too much on the mess they were about to face.
“Get off here. Head east when you get to those railroad tracks.”
He followed her directions, getting farther and farther from the main roads.
“Pretty countryside around here.” Lots of trees and green stuff.
“Yeah, that’s one thing.”
“Hey, it’s going to be fine. I’m here. Always. Okay?”
She blew out a breath. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been here.”
“You have a home now. In Seattle. This is just a place you did some shitty years of your life when you had no other choice. It formed who you are now, but it doesn’t need to have any more power over you than it already does. I know this is easy for me to say. But I believe in you, Raven. I know you better than any of these assholes ever will. You’re worth a thousand of them. No matter how hard they tried to fuck you over. No matter why.”
“Don’t make me cry again or I’ll be mad.”
He turned his attention back to the road.
“About two miles or so. There’ll be, or there used to be, a gas station at a crossroads. Country Road Fourteen. Go right.”
She hadn’t lied about how horrible the place was. Rusted-out cars and farm equipment overgrown by weeds and berry bramble. The houses were run-down. It was more than poverty; he’d seen plenty of that. It was that the place seemed to have a dearth of hope.
“Go up to Copperhead and take a right.”
There was a tiny grocery store with a few cars in the parking lot. A post office.
“One stoplight. But we have a post office.”
He followed the directions.
“Up there. The white house with the blue truck in the driveway. That’s my aunt’s place.”
He turned around and parked so they could easily leave when the time came. She was pale, but otherwise holding it together.
“You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“I do. Now come around and open my door like a gentleman.”
He grinned and kissed her quickly. “I love you.”
She shook her head, wearing a confused smile. “I know and I really don’t know why. But I love you too. So there’s that.”
He got out and opened her door. She wore jeans and a sweater with some sneakers. Nothing fancy. She’d said if she’d worn a dress her aunt would have accused her of putting on airs or thinking she was too good.
He kept a hand on the small of her back as they walked up to the front porch. A woman appeared there, one who bore a strong resemblance to Lena.
“What do you want?”
“Hello, Aunt Lorene.”
The older woman peered through the screen door with a start. “Raven?”
“Yes. This is Jonah. I’d like to talk to you.”
Suspicion was already on her face and it only doubled. She didn’t open the door.
“You do? What about then?”
“Wouldn’t you rather take this inside instead of on the porch?” Jonah asked smoothly.
Raven wanted to laugh because the situation was so ridiculous she had to. But she kept it together.
“You’re just fine where you are. Why are you here?”
“I’ve been to Oklahoma City. To see my mother.”
Even through the screen door Raven noted how much more pale her aunt got.
“Why did you lie? To me and to her?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you do. You told me she had died. Of a drug overdose. You told me she died in the gutter.”
She clenched her fists and reminded herself she was better than her instincts. Better than the desire to rip that door off the rusty hinges and beat the hell out of this woman who’d harmed her so much. “And then you told her I’d been murdered. Me, instead of poor Missy Thompson. She tried to kill herself multiple times after that. I know you know that. Why?”
“I don’t have to say anything to you.”
Raven took a step closer. “No, you don’t. But you will because you owe me that much. You made this mess and you’ll tell me why.”
“I did it for your own good.” Lorene’s voice was small, petulant.
“Come again?”
“She couldn’t take care of you. She done left you how many times? It was best that you just stopped believing she’d come back and save you. You needed to accept your place in life and you wouldn’t until you had no other options.”
Jonah put an arm around her, restraining her, but also comforting her.
“My place in life? What place is that?”
“She thought she could go off to the city and be something else. But she was a country girl born and bred. She thought she was better than all her kin and look where it got her!”
“Look where your behavior got me! I never lived in a single place longer than six months from the time I was three until I was fourteen years old. I was raped. I was beaten up. Not a single person but Mama Eula ever told me I was loved. How is that my place?”
“Reaching above yourself would only bring you heartache.”
“I ate heartache breakfast, lunch and dinner for years of my life. Years.”
“I didn’t know about your cousin. I didn’t know he’d hurt you. I just . . . Do you want to be like her? Like me?”
Raven scrubbed her hands over her face. “Like her how?”
“You ran off too.”
“I did, and by God, it was hard. It was lonely and hard. It’s been lonely and hard for a long time. But I got away and things did get better.”
“She never could take care of you. All she did was make you sad.”
“It wasn’t her fault! She’s mentally ill. Chemicals in her brain. What’s your excuse?”
Lorene stepped back like Raven had slapped her. “I never had any kids. I saw it with my aunt too. With my sister. With our momma. I think, when I was about seventeen and I had a burst appendix, they tied my tubes. It was for the best. So I couldn’t pass it on.”
None of this was what she’d expected.
“You’re telling me you were sterilized without your permission because mental illness runs in the family?”
“Your precious Mama Eula! She knew it could happen to me like it happened to your mom. So she agreed to have it done. She told me later it was for my own good.”
“How long, Lorene? How long are we going to keep secrets? No one should have done that to you. You were seventeen.”
“Couldn’t have afforded any babies no how. Never did find myself a decent husband. What did I have to offer any kid? Look what I did to you.”
“You didn’t have to! You could have taken me in. You didn’t have to tell me my mother had died. You didn’t have to tell her I’d died. I don’t understand. Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to make you all hate me so much?”
It was only Jonah’s arm around her shoulders that kept her from crying. That kept her from falling to her knees and weeping for all the lies, for all everyone had lost, and for what?
“I don’t hate you, child. I never did. You was a beautiful little girl. Smart. But that sort of thing gets a woman picked on in our world. Toughening you up was a favor. Can’t you see that? You get to be eighteen and you’re a tough old bitch and you won’
t get beaten up by life. You won’t get pregnant at fourteen like your momma did. This is a hard life we got here. Pretty girls don’t last long. I did what I knew to do.
“I told your momma you was dead for the same reason. She’d done enough damage to you. She needed to let go and stop messin’ up your life. I knew she wouldn’t unless she thought she had nothing to go back to. I talked to Mama Eula and she agreed.”
Raven gripped her stomach. “Mama Eula knew? She knew my mother was alive? Knew you’d told her I had died?”
Lorene’s laugh was rueful. “I hate to go burstin’ your bubble, girl, but where did you think we got to be the way we are now? She mighta softened up some in her later years, but your great-grandma was just as nasty as your grandmama was. Our women ain’t no good. Not a one of us.”
“I’m good. Did any of you ever stop to think about that? About how maybe I could have broken that cycle and made things better for all of us?”
“I’m sorry. I really truly am. I did all I knew how to do.”
Raven stepped back on the creaky old porch. She had no words left, so she turned after pulling all the cash she had on her out of her pocket and placing it on a nearby chair.
“I don’t need your charity!”
“Yes, you do. Take it.”
She walked away, knowing she’d never be back again.
24
She walked back into the shop and everyone looked up, smiling at the sight of her. She didn’t quite know what to do with it so she ignored it, waving and pretending it was any other day.
“Back to work, losers.” She turned back to Maggie, who was the appointment book mistress. “What’s on my schedule today?”
“I didn’t know you were back today. Everything okay?”
“If you figure out the answer to that one, let me know. However, I’m good to ink some people up.”
“All righty then. You’re wide open, schedule wise. You can take walk-ins if you like. Been pretty quiet though.”
“I know I told you not to come back until tomorrow.” Brody approached and gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“Good to be seen, my man. I was bored at home. I’ve been in a hotel room for a week. I needed to get out.”
“Where’s Jonah?”
“Off rattling people and being bossy with the law, I wager. He had a week off and all his control-freaky ways got backed up.”
“That doesn’t sound like a complaint.”
“Yes, well. He’s all right. Enough mushy stuff. I’m back and I figured you might need some help around here.”
“Which is good because I am starving and was just about to escape for lunch.” Erin walked up to her and gave her a hug. “You’re back. And you didn’t tell me. I would frown at you, but you were gone for a week so my frowning muscles are all out of practice.”
Seeing Erin filled Raven with joy. She smiled. “Pizza?”
“Yes, that’ll do nicely.”
“All right, well, I’m back and now I’m going out for a two-hour lunch.”
Brody snorted. “Good. You have appointments. Tomorrow. I want to catch up though.”
She nodded. “We will. Thank you, Brody.”
He tipped his chin. “Any time.”
Funny thing was, she knew he was telling the truth.
They headed off to Zeek’s, a local favorite. Once they’d ordered and gotten settled, Erin’s expression turned serious.
“So?”
“I don’t know if I can even answer that. My mother . . . well, she’s messed up. Her physical health is worse than her mental health. I want her here, but she’s better off there. All her internal organs are crap from the meds and from her alcohol abuse to self-medicate. She has doctors she trusts there. She’s hooked into a system that can help her.”
Raven sighed. “My coming to visit her was good and all, but it upset her too on many levels.” She blew out a breath. “She feels guilty when she’s lucid. I don’t want that. You know? It’s too late for that. She did what she did and it sucked, but it’s not like she did it on purpose. So guilt is wasted. I tried to talk with her about that and I think she might forgive herself someday. But I don’t know how many somedays she has left.”
She sipped her soda, the sugary caffeine helping a little.
“And I feel guilty too. I wasn’t there all these years. Having me probably made things worse for her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t walk away. I can’t bring her here. I feel like I should move there.”
“For what? I get it, she’s your mother and if you were close and if you could help her, then I could understand it. But your life is here. You just put down roots here. I don’t want you to go. I know that’s selfish. But I love you. You’re my best friend and you’re finally here to be with me and my kid and damn it.” Erin tried not to cry, and it made Raven feel so much better.
“I’m terrible for wanting to stay here. But I do.”
“No, you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty for finally building a life! You’ll visit her often. As often as you can without upsetting her schedule.”
“It’s like five and half hours if I can keep the connections close. That means I can visit her once every few weeks. Jonah said he’d come with me as often as I liked if we did it over a weekend.” She shrugged. “I want to do the right thing, Erin.”
“Oh, sweetie, you are. Don’t you see that? Just at least see how things go over the next few months. See how she adjusts. See how you adjust. You deserve some good mental health for a change too.”
“Maybe.”
“I’m glad Jonah was there.”
Raven looked to Erin. “He saved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much his being there just made it easier, better. I could take that next step. Open that next door. He managed me like the bossy guy he is, but he also protected me. Let me work shit out on my own when I needed to. He’s changed everything. I never thought . . . ever that there’d be what he is to me.”
Erin smiled. “Yeah. I so totally understand.”
“He’s so good to me. He leaves me alone when I need it and when I don’t, well, he’s all up in my face, poking around, making me confront stuff. Aggravating but . . . he gets me. He doesn’t judge me. I never anticipated him. He was awesome with all the medical stuff. He did all this research about the system. It’s so complicated and if I take her out of the place there, she loses so much. I don’t want that. But I wouldn’t have known really, not if he hadn’t done all the heavy lifting.”
“No one’s ever done it for you before, have they? I mean, I had Brody and Adrian before Todd and Ben. I had help, but for so very long I was on my own and I did my heavy lifting. I needed to, to get through stuff. But sometimes when I feel like this stuff will never end and my arms are so tired, well, Todd or Ben come in and take over. They make it all right. Alexander is growing up with them as examples of what it means to be a man. I’m so lucky for that.”
“I never had a lot of men around, you know? The ones I did were assholes. Or so distant and distracted they weren’t really a factor. My mother never had boyfriends and the ones my other relatives had were utter cockbags. And then Brody of course, and I knew there were guys out there who were good. But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. Jonah is mine. More than that? I’m his. I’ve never belonged to anyone before. I’m not a burden. Or a responsibility. I never knew I could feel this way.”
She dabbed her eyes quickly. “Also, I cry a lot lately. Just warning you. They say it’s because I’m dealing with all this stuff at once after pushing it aside for so long. Her doctor—my mom’s doctor, I mean—he gave me a few names of people up here who have specialty practices. You know with people who have dealt with what I have. I may call one of them.”
Erin reached out to squeeze her hand. “Do whatever you need to do. You are surrounded by people who love you and will help however they can. I’m so happy to see you like this. Vulnerable. Not hiding it, but accepting it. This shit you’ve endured hurts and you can
admit it. It’s odd to say that makes me happy, but you know what I mean. What happened with your aunt?”
Raven told her about the visit.
Erin sat back in her seat, eyes wide. “I’m astounded.”
“You and me both. I don’t know what to think. I’m still angry, but she’s a victim too. Clearly I have mental health issues in my DNA and that freaks me out too. But the doctors were pretty good about talking to me regarding risk factors. Her doctor told me I was the most all-right person he’d met who dealt with all the stuff I had. Of course he’s surrounded by mental patients, so.”
“It runs in families, right?”
Raven nodded. “Yeah. The risk factor is right about one percent. If one parent has it, your risk goes up to about six percent. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll end up like her.”
“But you haven’t. I did some research while you were gone. You know, so I could understand. It says most people have onset of symptoms in their late teens or early twenties. You’re an old hag. Knocking on forty.”
Raven took a deep breath, relaxing a little more. “Yes. That’s true. They have this screening test thing. I mean they can’t do a blood test or anything, but there are warning signs. I’m a crazy bitch, but not like that, they don’t think. Anyway. Jonah is gently pushing me to see someone. Just to talk it through. He’s probably right. He usually is. Hell, this schizophrenia thing is at the bottom of my worry list at this point. All this stuff with my family, with my past . . .”
She began to eat once the pizza arrived.
“I used to have it all in my head. Who I blamed. Who was right, who was wrong. But that’s all jumbled up now. My great-grandmother, who was this rock to me, well, she’s not so pure now. And what, if anything, does that mean? My aunt isn’t a villain, or rather she is, but not solely. I don’t know. I don’t know if I ever will. And I have to figure out if I can be all right with never knowing.”
“Jesus. You never do anything halfway, do you?”
“Poor Jonah, he thought he was getting a hot chick in bed and he got all this extra shit. It’s a good thing I’m so genteel and fascinating.”
Erin giggled. “He’s a lucky man, either way. Well, Beautiful Raven-Haired Baby Girl, I’m glad you’re home.”