The Girl I Was Before: 'A Fun Feel Good Read' (Lily McDermott Series Book 1)

by Izzy Bayliss

  She speared a chunk of melon with her fork and brought it towards her mouth, but she didn’t eat it. My pie was calling me, but she still hadn’t eaten any of her fruit and I didn’t want to look like a complete pig by diving in first.

  “After the first trimester passed I couldn’t hide my bump any longer, so I had to tell the director of the film I was working on, but he wasn’t prepared to shoot the rest of my scenes with props covering my bump or editing it out so he fired me! In fairness it was written into my contract that I wasn’t allowed to get pregnant, but I thought he would have at least tried to accommodate me. And to make matters worse a contact I had, had promised Marc a big role on an upcoming feature being shot, but he just dropped him when I was no use to him anymore – so Marc went ballistic. Of course I asked a few other contacts that I had – people I had worked with previously – if they knew of anything available but the work just dried up. Marc was right – nobody wanted to know me when they heard I was pregnant. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back – Marc started going out with all of my friends without me, and some nights he didn’t come home at all. I spent so many nights at home alone crying myself to sleep. Deep down I think Marc loved the perks of being with me more than actually being with me if you know what I mean?” And just like that tears started to run down her face.

  “God, Nadia – don’t cry.” I reached out across the table to rub her arm.

  “I just don’t want to lose him, Lily,” she said in a whisper. The tears started to flow faster. I couldn’t believe it – the glamorous composed woman who had been sitting across from me just minutes ago was now a sobbing mess.

  “You must really hate me after everything I have done to you.” She dabbed at her eyes with the linen napkin. Amazingly her eye make-up didn’t budge through it all.

  “Of course I don’t hate you,” I lied. She didn’t need to know that I regularly fantasised about sticking steel pins in her mouth to make her fillings tingle. “The last few months have been some of the worst of my life but I’m doing okay now . . .”

  “Well I’m sorry, Lily – genuinely. I know nothing I can say can excuse my behaviour or what I’ve done to you. I’m not proud of myself – not one bit. I guess what goes around comes around, huh?”

  I felt really uncomfortable. “Nadia, I . . . Marc and I, we’ve a lot of history, we were married but I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Look I don’t know what is going on with you and Marc right now, but even if you have to do it on your own, you’re obviously a strong woman – you’ll get through it. It’ll be okay,” I said softly. I couldn’t believe I was sitting here counselling the woman who I had found in bed with my husband. Only me. Anyone else would have told her to fuck right off, but of course I was a walkover as usual. I felt sorry for her though, because no matter what Marc had put me through, I wasn’t left bringing up a baby on my own.

  She took out her Chanel powder compact from her Mulberry handbag, opened it up and checked her appearance in the mirror. She proceeded to pat it across her cheeks. When she was finally satisfied she snapped it closed and put it back into her bag.

  “I’m sorry, I have no right to off-load onto you after everything I have put you through – blame the pregnancy hormones,” she sighed heavily. “But when I saw you, I just had to talk to you – you of all people know Marc better than anyone else. I don’t know what I’m looking for – maybe some insight into what is going on inside his head?”

  “I can’t help you there I’m afraid, Nadia – I spent a long time trying to figure that out myself.”

  “But has he been back in touch with you, Lily – please be honest with me, I don’t think I could take any more lies,” she sniffed.

  “Well, no not for a while now.”

  “Phew.” She let out a long sigh of relief. “I was so afraid you were getting back together again. Lately every time he goes out the door I imagine he is going to see you. He wants you back y’know, Lily? He talks about you all the time – I know he misses you and regrets ever meeting me, I’m sure. He told me before he left that it was the biggest mistake he ever made – leaving you. Can you imagine how that made me feel – I’m carrying his baby! If it was anyone else I’d tell him to get lost instead of desperately clinging on to him but . . . it’s not just me I thinking about – we’re having a baby together whether he likes it or not.”

  Was what she was saying true? Did he really say that to her? I had enough of staring at the pie, I couldn’t resist it anymore so dug into it with the fork and took a bite. The tartness of the lemon perfectly contrasted the sweetness of the sticky meringues it was divine. I needed to add this onto my list for Baked with Love.

  “I don’t want to do this on my own,” she said suddenly. Her eyes were wide with fear. “Please don’t take him away from me, Lily. Please.”

  “Look, Nadia – what do you want me to say? Marc chose to be with you. He left me to be with you!”

  “I know, you’re right, Lily,” she sighed heavily. “It’s just that I wanted so much more for our baby, y’know?” She continued, “I grew up in a broken home, my Dad walked out on my Mum when I was only three months old, so I never really knew him – I have vague memories of him taking me off on a Saturday afternoon, but I just remember screaming every time he came to pick me up. Basically he was a stranger to me and I was expected to go off and have fun with him! So eventually I’m sure he had enough of listening to me bawling and crying, and his Saturday visits petered out altogether, until it was just a token visit for an hour on Christmas morning. I always swore when I had my own children that I wouldn’t let that happen and that’s what upsets me the most, because now here I am about to let history repeat itself all over again.”

  “You don’t know that, Nadia – it just takes men longer to get their head around these things. Once he sees his little baby he’ll fall in love with it, he won’t be able to resist his little son or daughter.”

  “It’s a boy you know.”

  “You’re having a boy?”

  “Yep – that’s why I need Marc on board – I don’t know the first thing about little boys! Imagine me trying to play diggers and dumpers or whatever it is little boys play these days?” She started to laugh.

  “Well Marc always wanted a son, so I’m sure once your little boy arrives, he’ll be a changed man.”

  “I hope you’re right – I really do. I envy you, Lily y’know?”

  “You? Envy me?”

  “No really, Lily I do – I know everyone thinks I’m confident and in control of everything and in some ways I am but I don’t have freedom like you do. Look at you there eating that cake –”

  I self-consciously swallowed down the bite I had been chewing.

  “I can’t remember the last time I had the guts to order cake – I mean I’d love to eat cake, but the little voice in the back of my head says ‘remember the camera adds ten pounds and no director wants to cast a fatty’. Even now I’m pregnant, I thought this would finally be a great excuse to relax on my diet, but I can’t do it. Now I feel under pressure to be the skinny pregnant woman – I know it’s wrong, but I take it as a compliment when people tell me that my bump is tiny. So that’s why I’m sitting here with a fruit cup watching you relishing that pie.”

  “Do you want some?” I said through a mouthful.

  “No, you’re okay thanks, you look like you’re enjoying it. Sorry it’s just this pregnancy has made me reassess everything in my whole life,” she said as she massaged her temples. “I’ve been acting since I was seven years old – my Mum pushed me into it and I always thought it was what I wanted to do but now I’m not so sure – yes there are many benefits to it but there’s an awful lot to be said for a simpler life like you lead.”

  “Well, thank you very much!”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that – fame is great and everything, but there are a lot of negatives as well. The constant scrutiny and the pressure of being in the public eye – it makes you s
o self-conscious. It’s like every day I get up and I put on a mask – I have this public persona that I constantly have to live up to even though half the time I’d love to just tell everyone to fuck off. You saw it there, in the twenty minutes we’ve been here and I’ve been approached twice, imagine that all day, every day? People saying the same thing all the time ‘We loved you in Our Endless Days, Nadia’, ” she mimicked. “God listen to me you must think I’m such an ungrateful bitch.”

  “Well . . . look, Nadia just give him time.”

  “I’m afraid it might be too late . . .”

  We chatted some more and when we asked for the bill the manager came over and shook Nadia’s hand and told us our food was on the house. Nadia feigned surprise, and kissed the waiter on both cheeks before telling him she would be back again soon. I could tell she was used to this kind of treatment. We parted company, and as I strolled back down Grafton Street, I thought over everything she had said. I couldn’t understand it but I felt strangely deflated, compared to how I felt on my way into town that morning when I hadn’t had a care in the world. A few months ago I would have given my right arm for this day, but now it had tossed everything up in the air again just as I was starting to move on with my life. Meeting Nadia had stirred up all that emotion and hurt once more.

  I was supposed to call into Sam when I was finished shopping, but the conversation with Nadia had unsettled me and I just wanted to be on my own. I texted him to say I wasn’t feeling well, so that he wouldn’t worry and then I headed for the bus stop to take me back to Ballyrobin. There I was with my fancy schmancy underwear, and all the excitement of the previous few hours had disappeared. There was only one thing for it - I needed to see him.

  Chapter 35

  I quickly rang Marc's number hardly daring to breathe. I felt bad doing this to Nadia after everything she had confided in me earlier on but he was still my husband and we still had a lot of unresolved business.

  He answered after the second ring.

  “Lily – great to hear from you!”

  “Marc, we need to talk . . .”

  “Is everything okay? I tried calling you a few times but you never answered so I presumed you wanted me to leave you alone . . .”

  “Don’t worry everything is fine – there are just a few things I think we should discuss.”

  “Yeah of course – do you want to meet somewhere or will I come over?”

  “Can you come over here to my - I mean - our place?”

  “Sure.”

  I went into the bathroom and touched up my make-up. Then I tried to puff up the roots of my hair using hairspray to give it a bit of volume. I stood back and looked at myself in the mirror, I was wearing my mustard coloured dress with a swallow print. I turned to the side and looked at my tummy. Even when I sucked it in, it was still bigger than Nadia’s, and I wasn’t seven months pregnant.

  Just over an hour later the bell went. My stomach somersaulted. I knew how important this was. It was one of those defining moments where the whole pathway that my life was going down would be decided over the next few hours. Fifteen years together was a long time. I didn’t enter into our marriage lightly, and I certainly couldn’t walk way from it easily if I thought there was a chance, even just a small chance that we could work it out. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if we had tried again. I needed to be sure. Obviously it was made complicated by Marc and Nadia having a baby together, but if we were to make a fresh start then I would support his involvement in the baby’s life.

  I took a deep breath and opened the door. Marc was standing there with a huge bouquet of long stemmed red roses. I was taken aback. In the fifteen years that I had been with Marc, he had only ever given me carnations bought hurriedly from the petrol station down the road from the house, usually because he was trying to get back into my good books. He was wearing a black V-neck jumper with a grey polo shirt underneath, jeans and trainers – the type of clothes that I was more used to seeing him in before he met Nadia.

  “You look great, Lily,” he said as soon as he came through the door. He handed me the flowers.

  “They’re lovely, Marc – thank you.”

  “No worries.” I could tell he was nervous. "Sit down."

  He made his way over to the sofa. I put the flowers in a vase and then sat down on the armchair beside him.

  “So how’ve you been? Did you have a nice Christmas?” He leant forward towards me.

  “I did actually.” An image of Sam flashed into my head and I felt a huge pang of guilt. I pushed his face out of my head again.

  “How about you?”

  “It was okay.”

  “Only okay?”

  “Well – Nadia and I – well things aren’t going so great between us actually so I spent Christmas Day at home with Mum and Dad.”

  “I know.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah just one of those bizarre coincidences – I was in Brown Thomas and we were both eyeing up the same dress.” I didn’t tell him it was a baby’s dress.

  “You women – you’re all the same - a shop full of dresses and you both go for the same one!”

  “We went for a coffee actually.”

  “Oh yeah?” I could see he looked worried. "You know about the baby then?"

  "Well considering if was front page news on Social Importance magazine, I could hardly miss it."

  “Look, Lily I don’t know what she said but the truth is I don’t want to be with her anymore,” he blurted.

  “I know she told me that too. She’s very upset about it.”

  "It’s all such a mess,” he groaned. “But the spark is gone – it was so intense you know at the start, but it burned out so quickly. We’re different people. And we were always fighting – we’re just not suited at all. I don’t think it would be fair to bring up a baby in that environment, having its two parents shouting and screaming at each other, but I’m going to do my best to be there for them both. I’m actually going over there this evening to tell her it’s over.”

  “She’s not going to take it well.”

  “I know,” he lowered his head. “Look, Lily I’ve been a complete fool – I’ve given up what we had, which was wonderful and perfect – for a fling with Nadia. I was such a weak person – my head was turned so easily because she was this famous actress I looked up to – I overlooked you, my own wife. I’d do anything to win you back. I think because we were together from such a young age I always felt that I never had a chance to sow my wild oats – the lads always used to give me such a ribbing about it, and then when Nadia came along and paid me, Marc Glover attention - well I was flattered. You know what they say ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’. But I’m sorry, Lily, it’s no excuse for what I put you through. I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’d only let me prove it to you.”

  I had to give it to him – he was saying all the right things. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t just thinking about himself. He had certainly grown up a lot in the space of time in which we had been apart.

  “I’m sorry, Lily – for everything that I've put you through. I’ve made a huge mistake – the biggest mistake of my life. Nadia is nothing like you – I don’t know why I didn’t see that!”

  “How could you leave me for someone else – we were only married a wet week?” I had waited so long to get an answer to this question.

  “You know what I’m like – God you of all people know me better than anyone. I’ll admit it, I’m always looking for something bigger – something more exciting and then Nadia came along and I could tell that she liked me. She is so successful – I mean she has an Oscar nomination for God's sake! People in the acting world respected her, not like me – I’m the lowest of the low. She had the lead role – she was everything I aspired to, and then when she showed an interest in me and well, em, I’m not proud of it but . . . well I suppose I let my big fat ego get in
the way.” He lowered his head.

  “How long had it being going on?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer but I knew I had to. If we were to have any hope of moving on then we needed honesty. We had to have everything out in the open.

  He hung his head.

  “Look, Lily that’s not important.”

  “How long?”

  “A few weeks.”

  “And you were prepared to give up everything we had for someone you had only known for a few weeks? You hurt me so badly, Marc! How can I even begin to trust you again?” My voice was shaky and I knew I was close to tears.

  “I know, Lily – God I am so, so sorry. I’ve been a complete dick. I'm willing to do whatever it takes or wait however long you need to have you back again. I’ve changed. I know I have responsibilities to Nadia and the baby, but the time I spent apart from her over Christmas has given me lot of time to think. I miss you, Lily – Nadia is nothing like you.”

  Oh my God, he had finally said the words I had wanted to hear for so long. Ever since the day he left me, my confidence had been shattered. Hearing those words was like a balm for my soul.

  "I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the last year, but I know what my priorities are now. Even if Nadia and I are no longer together - I’m still going to be a part of my child's life. I’ve started putting money aside to give to Nadia when he’s born – even though she earns far more than me, I still want to be able to pay my share and help her out.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. She doesn’t want to do it on her own, you know.”

  “I know – I feel terrible about it all –”

  Silence fell between us and his crystal clear blue eyes met mine. He got up and walked over to the armchair where I was sitting and sat down beside me. His fingers stroked the skin on my face and we sat there staring into each other’s eyes. It felt familiar and good – like putting on a comfy old tracksuit after a hard day. His other hand moved up and brushed the hair off my face.

  “I meant every word that I said, Lily,” he whispered.