Broken Angel

by Lee Heaven

  Sitting in the back of the cab Maggie turns to me. “So tell me about ‘The Devil.’ I didn’t want to ask when Decker or Daniel were around. Didn’t know what they knew.”

  “Decker, knows all about him. I told him the weekend I spent at the apartment when you and Jen were sick.”

  After Maggie and I moved in, Decker paid Jen for the last two weeks plus a big bonus and told her to take the two weeks off and go on vacation before finding her next job. She smiled brightly and left while looking at her phone and booking a trip to Europe.

  Maggie smiled like she was hiding something, but I couldn’t figure it out and neither did I really care. “Good. So tell me.”

  “He was my first love. I would have taken a bullet for him. He in turn took my heart and stomped it all over the ground.” I explained the story about how Kevin broke my heart and then years later walked away again. Then I told her about his lame-ass apology yesterday.

  “What a little prick. Did he think just by saying that everything would be ok?”

  “I know. The look on his face when he said he still loved me was like he was expecting me to jump in his arms and say I still love you too.”

  “Do you?” Maggie asked.

  “A part of me will always love him. He was my first love after all and helped me through a really rough time in my life. But I have no desire to be with him. I can’t give him my heart again. I won’t give him my heart.”

  “Good. Let’s not think about ‘The Devil’ again. So what are we making for dinner tomorrow night?”

  “I was thinking chicken parmesan, its dad and Decker’s favorite, and some pasta. I was gonna make fresh bread. But I hear Zabar’s has some good bread so maybe I’ll just buy some. Oh and for desert we should go pick up some cheesecakes from Junior’s.”

  “That sounds good,” Maggie says as she licks her lips and rubs her belly in a very dramatic way.

  “You and Tobias are coming to dinner right?”

  “I know I am. Didn’t know Tobias was coming though. I’m glad he is.” The twinkle in her eye would tell anyone that she was hopelessly in love with Tobias and probably thought he didn’t notice her at all.

  “Maggie, do you like Tobias?”

  “If I didn’t like him you would know.” She snorted.

  “Not like that, Maggie.” I laugh. “Do you like him like him? Like would you want to date him?”

  Maggie turned red and giggled.

  “I see. We’ll I’m just gonna have to play match maker,” I said raising my eyebrow.

  “Would you really? Does he even like me?”

  I laughed so loud the cab driver looked at me in the rearview mirror with a dirty look. Stupid cab drivers, like they never heard someone laugh before. I think the real issue was that I was so loud I interrupted the phone call he was on. Oh well!

  “Maggie, the other night he was staring so long that just to fuck with him I picked up a tissue and wiped his chin like he was drooling. Decker saw me do it and busted out laughing.”

  “I was wondering what that was about. No one would tell me,” she giggled at the thought of it.

  “See now you know how I felt when it came to Decker. No one told me how Decker felt and I never saw it. Now it’s that way with you and Tobias.”

  “Oh, Sarah, Tobias is so freaking dreamy,” Maggie said as she linked her arm in mine and put her head on my shoulder like a love struck teenager.

  “Come we’re here let’s go shopping and then we’ll plot your love life.” I gave the cab driver his money and told him to keep the change. When he saw how big the tip was his nasty look disappeared and smiled at me with a very quiet thank you.

  ~~~

  Josie sat on the floor of the living room playing with her Legos; Decker and I were sitting on the couch. He was smiling watching her and I was reading a book on my tablet. “Decker?”

  Turning his head to look at me. “What’s up, baby?”

  “I was thinking I should get a job.”

  I couldn’t let Decker go on supporting me. Not only that but I’ve been down that road and it’s not good. If something was to happen between me and Decker and we were to break up how would I support myself. I needed to be able to do it on my own.

  I needed to be able to support my daughter and show her that she can be strong and make a life on her own and not have to depend on any guy, no matter how much money that guy hand in his bank account.

  “Why?” he asked surprised.

  “I don’t want to be dependent on you. I did that for so long and I walked away with nothing. I can’t just sit here and waste your money. I need to find my own way.”

  “I have enough money that you won’t waste it. Plus I like having you here. You don’t need to work.”

  “I know that, but I want to.” I hoped he understands why I need to do this for myself.

  “Ok. So what do you want to do? Where do you want to work?”

  What did I want to do? I had absolutely no idea. I hadn’t really thought about that before I opened my mouth. I didn’t want a job that would keep me away from Josie and Decker all day. I liked raising my family. I liked doing things with them. I didn’t want to miss out on anything because I was one of those career moms.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I worked in a lawyer’s office doing paralegal work. I loved doing it so much I got a degree in it. But I don’t know if I want that stress again. I loved doing fundraising activities at the kids’ school when I volunteered with the PTA. But that didn’t pay and I don’t have the degree to get a paying job in that area.”

  “What would you say if I gave you a job in that area?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “One of our fundraising managers at the foundation is leaving for a job in Miami. It leaves me with an opening. What if you take it?”

  “Decker…that would be wonderful. I’m just worried about how Josie will be if I’m working all the time. I knew it bothered her that I was leaving so early in the morning and getting home so late when I was working for you.”

  “So we’ll work out a schedule. You can drop her off in the morning and leave early enough to be home before dinner every night. Hell, you can even telecommute from here; a lot of employees are doing that now. I can turn your old bedroom or a corner in the game room into an office for you.”

  “Thank you, Decker,” I whispered.

  “Josie, sweetie, are you ready to go? We have to go meet Daddy so you can go snowmobiling again,” he said sweetly to her

  “Sure, Decker. Mama, are coming with us to meet Daddy?”

  “Yes I am, baby girl. Why don’t you go grab your suitcase from your bedroom and I’ll clean up these Legos.”

  “Ok, Mama. I’ll be back in a minute,” she yells as she runs down the hall.

  As I sit on the floor to clean up her Legos and Decker sits next to me, with a steady finger he lefts my chin and plants a kiss on me. Pulling back he rests his forehead against mine. “I would give anything to make you two happy. Don’t ever doubt that. Don’t ever doubt how I feel, how much I love you.”

  Shit! He just told me he loved me. Those words always kill everything. As soon as I said them to Shawn he changed, as soon as Kevin said them he laughed at me and then crushed me. Ely died and had he said them. I hated those words. I hated their meaning and what they did to people and how everything always changed.

  “Decker, don’t say that. Don’t say those words.”

  “Why? I can’t tell you how I feel?”

  “It’s only been a week. Plus when I allow someone to love me it all goes to shit. It never works. I always get hurt. Please don’t love me.”

  “Baby, it’s too late. I’ve think I’ve loved you from the minute you walked in my door almost five months ago. My heart became yours the day you laid your head in my lap and cried. That day I promised myself to never let you cry again unless they were tears of joy. I know you’ve been hurt by love before but, baby, that wasn’t me. Thos
e were selfish asses that you loved and they never loved you. If they did they never would have hurt you. They would have protected you like I do.”

  Kissing him I whisper, “I’m so scared. If my heart breaks one more time I won’t be able to recover.”

  “Baby, I’ll always protect you. I’ll never break that heart.”

  Then he sealed his words with a kiss that stole my breath away.

  Giggling made us break apart. Josie was standing by the couch. “You two are silly. Mama, are we going now?”

  “Sure, baby. Put your coat on.” Getting to my feet Decker wraps his hand around mine and squeezes. I smile and lean into his arm. I love you too, Decker. I’m just so scared.

  ~~~

  No. Please don’t! Please put the knife away. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t.

  I’m sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Don’t please. Ouch! That hurt. Please don’t do that again. Can I please have a towel my arm is bleeding?

  No, I said I’m sorry. Please. The baby, no the baby. Don’t hurt the baby. Ouch! Oh God! Why! Why did you do that? The baby!

  Stop please. I can’t breathe. Please don’t hurt me. Ouch!

  Please Stop!

  Please don’t hurt me any more—

  “Sarah, wake up!” Decker screamed as he shook me.

  “No!” I screamed as I fell off the bed to the floor grabbing at the crotch of my pants looking for blood. “There’s no blood. I’m not bleeding.” I pant out.

  “Sarah, what? You’re not bleeding. You were dreaming!” Decker said fearful.

  “Oh God,” I cried as I curled into a ball on the floor.

  Decker wraps me in a blanket and pulls me into his arms. “Baby, you have to tell me. You need to tell me about your dreams. You need to tell me what happened that has you like this.”

  Feeling sick to my stomach I wither out of Decker’s arms and run to the bathroom. I barely got to the toilet as my stomach let go. Decker gathers my hair behind my head. Sinking to my knees I hurl again and again. Decker just holds my hair and rubs my back.

  Finally when I was done I rested my head on my arms crossed against the seat of the toilet and sobbed. Decker continued to rub my back not saying a word, just sitting behind me in silent encouragement.

  Without looking at him I start talking, “I met Brian the summer after my sophomore year in high school. He was the ultimate bad boy. My parents hated him which made me only want him more. He took my virginity that summer. A week later he got into some big fight and busted the shit out of some kid. He got put into juvie. He called me collect whenever he was allowed. He spent two weeks there before he was released. As soon as he was out he went running to his ex-girlfriend. Not me. I was crushed and hurt but I moved on, we were barely together two months; it didn’t matter much to me. It had been over a year since I had seen him and then Ely died. Sitting next to Ely’s mother at the funeral I felt eyes boring into me. Took me forever to actually decipher which eyes were actually staring hard at me and which ones where just watching out of pity. I gasped when I saw him. Hours later I finally got up to go have a cigarette and he followed me.

  “He didn’t say anything. Just walked up to me and kissed me. I gave in again right there. I couldn’t, didn’t even want to, fight him. We started dating again. Eight weeks later, right before my senior year started I found out I was six weeks pregnant. I can’t say I was thrilled I really did want to wait, but it didn’t happen and as time went on I became happier about it. He was working while I went to finish high school. We were living in his parents’ basement, made it our own little apartment. It was mid-October and I got sick one day at school. I went home early. I noticed Brian’s truck in the driveway. I thought maybe he was sick too. I started down the steps and into our basement and I heard weird noises. I walked into the bedroom and that’s where I saw it. He was screwing some other girl. I chucked my book bag at him. Hit him right in the back of the head. The stupid girl underneath him yelled who the fuck is that and I spat back, “his pregnant girlfriend.” She jumped up and ran out the door getting dressed. That’s when he turned on me.”

  I stopped. I hadn’t lifted my head from the toilet and Decker still sat on the floor behind me just rubbing my back. I can feel my stomach turning over just at the thought of having to tell him the next half of my story.

  “Baby, what do you mean he turned on you?”

  I turned and laid my head into his lap. Closing my eyes I took a few shaky breathes. Decker removed the hair from my face, bent down and kissed my temple. He was silent but it was a silence that was meant to urge me to continue with my story.

  “He slowly stalked toward me. Before I knew what was going on he smacked me across the jaw with a baseball bat. I must have flew back three or four feet before I hit the wall. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but when I woke my arms were tied above my head to a pipe that was above the bed. He was screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, saying I ruined his life. That I was a whore and the baby probably wasn’t even his. That in order to have sex with me he had to watch porn to get an erection first.”

  I can feel Decker’s fist clench. All his muscles went ridged. I had never see Decker mad in the five months that I’ve known him. Even when he was upset over Kevin finding me in the street he was upset but not angry, not like this. But anger and fury was rolling off of him in a tidal wave.

  “He pulled a knife from somewhere. It wasn’t like any knife I’ve ever seen. It was long and skinny. Almost like an ice pick. He stuck it in my arm.” Lifting the sleeve on my left arm I show him the scar. “Then he cut my pants and underwear off. He pinned my legs open with his. Still yelling names at me and saying this is my fault I caused him to act like this. I thought he was going to rape me. His erection was bigger then I’d ever seen. I watched in horror with tears pouring out of my eyes. He shoved the knife up in me instead. It didn’t take more than a second for me to realize he was cutting the baby out of me. Scrapping against my uterus the knife stung. Blood gushed everywhere.”

  I can feel Decker’s arms tense and bunch again. I can hear the growl stuck in his throat. The heat that was rolling in waves off his body felt like it could burn my skin if I touched him. “That’s why you can’t have babies?” he barely got out in a whisper.

  “Yes that is why. But he didn’t stop there. After pulling the knife out, he jammed it into my side puncturing my lung.” Lifting my shirt I showed him the scar on my right side “Then…then…then…” I bust out crying again. The overwhelming urge to puke hit me again and twisting I hurl into the toilet till I was left with nothing but dry heaves.

  “This is where the scars on your chest come in to play?” Decker whispered.

  I nod. “I can’t talk about it. Not yet.”

  “Baby, you have to tell me. If you don’t you’ll never get past it. It will haunt you for the rest of your life.” The concern and anger were just oozing out of his voice.

  “It will haunt me even if I do talk about it. It’s haunted me for the last seventeen years.”

  “Show me,” he urged

  “No,” I sobbed.

  “Show me,” he tries to urge me into confessing again.

  I just shook my head at him. I couldn’t talk about it. Just thinking about it was sending a burning sensation into my chest.

  “Sarah,” Decker locked me with a serious stare.

  Staring at Decker I felt safe but I just couldn’t. Telling him would make him knowing real and I just couldn’t face that. I couldn’t stand him knowing the truth. I couldn’t stand the thought of if he knew he might turn and leave me. I stood and walk over to the sink. Decker stands behind me I can feel his heat. I brush my teeth real quick. I lock Decker’s stare in the mirror. “I want to tell you I really do. I want to show you. But I can’t. I’m not ready. I’ve already told you so much. Please don’t, don’t make me share any more. I just can’t do it.”

  “You’re right, baby, you have told me so much. I won’t push you any more tonight. But you d
o need to finish telling me soon. Come let’s go to bed.”

  “Decker,” I said as I circled my arms around his waist. “I’m so scared of my past. It haunts me every day. Please don’t push. I’ll tell you when the time is ready.”

  “I know, baby. Come let’s close our eyes and rest we don’t want to be tired for your parents.” Decker hugs me back then pulls back into the bedroom and into bed.

  Turning and snuggling my face into his chest. I begin to kiss and lick my way around his pecs, sliding my tongue around his taunt nipples. Decker’s hand grabs a handful of hair at the nape of my neck and pulls so my neck arches back and gives him full access. Nipping, licking, and sucking his way to my mouth. Capturing my lips and sucking on them till they are swollen and tingly.

  Rolling me onto my back, Decker boxes me into the mattress between his arms. Raising my shirt to just below the bra line he starts the same assault he just attacked my neck with. Running his tongue, lips, and teeth all over my stomach. Grabbing the waistband of my pants and underwear he pulls them both down. I giggle, “Looks like I get to keep a pair of undies this time.”

  “These are lucky this time. Next time, maybe not so much.” He runs his tongue along my slit, sending shivers up my spine. Shoving his hands under my ass, he tilts me up then shoves his tongue into my wet pussy and begins to tongue fuck me. Driving me higher and higher closer to my peak. Alternating between shoving his tongue in me and flicking my clit, it didn’t take long.

  “Oh…God…yes!” I scream as I orgasm all over his face. Before falling down from my blissful state, Decker has slammed balls deep into me keeping my orgasm from completely fading. Pounding hard at rapid pace grunting through gritted teeth.

  “Decker…I can’t wait…I need to…oh God…fuck yes!!” The thunder rolls in my ears and the grand finally of fireworks burst in my eyes.

  Chapter 9

  “Decker!” I scream at the top of my lungs from the kitchen.

  He comes running in the kitchen like it is on fire. “What, what’s the matter?”