by Mark Seaman
In a way I knew how Mum felt, especially when I looked at Jenny and contemplated anything like that happening between the two of us. What if Gerry suddenly reappeared and decided he did want to be a father to Jenny, demanding access to her, or even worse applying for custody of her? How would I feel or respond to that? My blood ran cold even thinking about it. So yes I understood what Mum was going through, but it still didn’t dampen my desire to meet with Ruth, even though I knew from the moment I did it would change my life, indeed all of our lives, forever.
Jenny and I talked together about many things over the next few weeks as I explained in more detail my reasons for wanting to meet with Ruth. Also, how important Mum and Dad were to me, to the both of us, and that they would always be our family.
“I think if anything this has brought us all closer to each other, more dependent on each other, if that makes sense? Never doubt Granny and Granddad’s love for either of us, Jen. You mean everything to them, as you do me. You know that don’t you sweetheart?
She gave me a hug. “Yeah of course I do, Mum, I think you’re pretty great as well.”
Young as she was Jenny always did her best to understand and respond in a way that would encourage me. I felt so proud of my little girl watching her grow, both in her understanding of life and, physically into the pretty young lady she was fast becoming. I well remember her first day at school; she looked so vulnerable, and yet it was me who cried as we parted at the gate, Jenny just smiled and ran in with the other children, laughing as she went. “Goodbye Mummy,” she shouted, disappearing into the school building for the first time and demonstrating none of the nervous apprehension I was feeling, my stomach churning with anxiety for her. I was back in the afternoon a full fifteen minutes before the children were due out of their classes and stood waiting nervously in case she hadn’t enjoyed herself. I needn’t have worried as she ran towards me waving a drawing she’d done and shouting that she couldn’t wait to come back the next day and go on the planned nature trail to search for caterpillars and snails.
“It was great, Mum, I really enjoyed it. I’ll find a really pretty caterpillar for you tomorrow, I promise.”
She settled very quickly at school and soon made many new friends who always seemed to be in and out of our house, so much so that I found myself apologising to Mum and Dad for the endless stream of muddy shoes and little people careering through their home.
“We love having them here, it’s what your dad and I always hoped for, a real family home with lots of children playing and having fun together. I promise you, Mary, we enjoy it just as much as they do, don’t we, love?”
Dad looked over the top of his newspaper and smiled. “Most of the time.”
“Oh shut up, you know we do.”
I loved them all the more for that and reminded myself how fortunate I was to be a part of their family, brought up in a home with so much care, love and affection. I resolved once again whatever happened following my meeting with Ruth that James and Carol would always be Mum and Dad to me, and more especially Granny and Granddad to my beautiful daughter.
As Jenny grew Dad became more protective of her, just as he had of me when I was younger.
Once when Jenny brought a young boy, Toby, home for tea Dad began questioning the poor lad about his career choices.
“So what would you like to do when you leave school?”
He was very disappointed to hear young Toby didn’t have any concrete plans for life beyond his own birthday party the following week, that and a trip to the cinema to see the latest animated adventure film.
Mum intervened, dragging Dad into the kitchen while Toby and Jenny shared their romantic meal of fish fingers, chips and lemonade.
“He’s a young boy, give the lad a chance; he isn’t even in long trousers yet.”
In the end Dad conceded he might have been a little unreasonable in expecting so much from Jenny’s suitor, especially when I pointed out that he was still only six, or at least for the next seven days.
Over the next few years at primary school Jenny excelled on so many levels, but by far her favourite subject was English where her individual creativity was encouraged and flourished as she wrote endless stories, making the best of her vivid imagination and producing a variety of colourful characters and storylines. She always seemed to have her head stuck in one book or another and was forever asking what a particular word meant, words that sometimes I would struggle to explain as I looked on in wonder at this little person growing in so many different ways before me. She had a real appetite for life and was genuinely excited by all it had to offer, always grasping at any opportunity to learn something new that came her way.
Watching Jenny grow along with her passion for learning reminded me of my own time as a youngster and the support I had received from Mum and Dad during my years at school and in my early teens. They had encouraged my interest in so many areas of learning including the arts, literature and even pop music, although they did struggle with my passion for Jimi Hendrix who Dad viewed as no more than a noisy long-haired rebel.
“Is he actually playing that guitar or just tuning it up? It all sounds like a bit of a row to me.”
I thanked them again in my mind as I observed and encouraged this same passion for learning and life express itself in Jenny.
It made me realise just how much they had helped and supported me over the years and served to confirm yet again my earlier commitment to honour their efforts on my behalf no matter what sort of relationship I eventually formed with Ruth.
Mum and Dad had readily accepted their roles as grandparents with the same dedication and commitment they had shown as adoptive parents to me, and I was determined they would always have access to Jenny for as long as life allowed. I felt a love for her now that possibly I hadn’t fully been aware of in the years previously. In part this might have been because of the previously undeclared insecurities about what had taken place in my own early life, but more so as I came to understand just how precious the people we truly care about are to us. Like Jenny I was continuing to grow and learn new truths about life and people, truths that would hold the both of us in good stead in the years to come. I couldn’t bear to think about not having her with me or my not being involved in every aspect of her young life. And now, as a mother myself, I could also understand why Carol was initially so fearful of my meeting with Ruth and of the effect it might have on our own relationship.
“Don’t worry, Mum, we’ll be fine.” I did my best to reassure her that everything would remain the same between us but in reality I couldn’t honestly say for sure what the final outcome would be until I actually spent time with Ruth, none of us could.
If truth be told, much as I wanted to talk with her and hear what she had to say, the unspoken fear as to what might actually transpire from the result of our meeting was beginning to unsettle me as much as it was Carol.
Fourteen
As the time for Mrs Taylor to give birth grew nearer she became increasingly tired and I was asked to do more and more in helping with Elizabeth’s day to day care.
“Thank you, Ruth. You’re such a blessing, I don’t know what we would do without you.”
I didn’t mind helping of course, and as my relationship with Elizabeth grew closer each day so did the bond of friendship and trust between us. She would often tell me she loved me, although this display of affection could alter rapidly if I appeared to take her parents side when it came to having an early night or to end a game because a visitor had arrived and her presence was required elsewhere.
“Why do I have to get changed and say hello to Daddy’s friend? I’m happy here with you and my dolls.”
“Your daddy is very proud of you, Elizabeth, and he wants his friends to see what a clever and pretty girl you are.”
“Well you go down and tell them to come up here. I will be just as pretty and clever in my playr
oom.” She would look at me, her big blue eyes pleading for me to take her side. “Please, Ruth, if you’re really my friend you won’t make me go.”
Eventually I would manage to cajole her into going downstairs to say hello or into agreeing to participate in whatever it was her parents wanted her to do. Most of the time we remained the best of friends and despite the occasional difference of opinion usually found some common ground on which to rebuild our relationship. This would often include my sneaking her an extra biscuit or treat for her supper or in agreeing to read her an additional bed time story. Deep down I think Elizabeth knew she could trust me and that at least I would attempt to see her side of things or argue her corner when appropriate, even if I didn’t always agree with her motive. Once when she and Mrs Taylor had experienced a falling out over her refusal to do something her mother had requested she came running over to me declaring that she didn’t love her Mummy any more.
“She’s being horrid to me, Ruth. I want you to be my new Mummy, you tell her.”
I explained this would not be possible, and how upset her real Mummy would be if she thought for a moment her little girl didn’t really love her.
“Your Mummy loves you so much, Elizabeth. Sometimes mummies and daddies say things or ask us to do something we don’t really understand or want to do but it doesn’t mean they don’t love us or that we should stop loving them. When I was a little girl I got angry with my mummy at times if she wanted me to do something I didn’t really want to, but in the end when I did it I always felt better because I had made my mummy happy. And I know that really you want your mummy to be happy as well don’t you? She would never ask you to do anything she didn’t think was right for you. So why don’t you go and say sorry to her? I bet if you do she will say thank you and give you a great big hug.”
My young charge stood in front of me, her gaze fixed to the floor considering what I had said and torn between doing the right thing or giving in to her childish petulance. After a few moments she looked up at me. “Alright, Ruth,but I would still like you to be my other mummy as well.”
“That’s very sweet of you, Elizabeth, and one day if I have a little girl of my own I hope she will be a lovely as you, but for now I think the mummy you have is the only one you need. I will always be here for you though as a friend, alright?”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
Thankfully, Mrs Taylor had been standing outside the room during our conversation and was impressed with my handling of the situation, especially as I had persuaded Elizabeth to apologise, something the previous nanny hadn’t been able to achieve despite a number of valiant attempts during her time in service. I suggested that Elizabeth was a little older now and therefore more open to reason, but Mrs Taylor wouldn’t hear of it.
“You have made a difference not only in Elizabeth’s behaviour and general demeanour, Ruth, but also in her attitude and appreciation of others and their concerns. And that, to us, is every bit as important as her education and learning at school. I assure you that none of what you have achieved with Elizabeth to date has gone unnoticed or unappreciated by Robert and I. We are very grateful to you.”
I was touched by her comments and generosity towards me which only served to further confirm my regard for them as a couple, as well of course as my growing affection towards Elizabeth.
Nelly would often tease me about my relationship with the Taylor’s, along with my growing list of duties and responsibilities within the house.
“How is Miss Goody Goody today? Has Mrs T asked you to help his lordship at the bank now as well as running the house for her?”
I knew her comments were meant in fun and accepted them as such, often teasing her in return by saying that Mrs Taylor had asked me to have a word with her and tell her she hadn’t made the beds properly or cleaned a room in a certain way.
“I’m afraid if you don’t make more of an effort to get things right Mr and Mrs Taylor will have to review your employment, or at the very least put me in charge of you to oversee your duties and to make sure your work improves.” We would laugh together knowing that neither was serious and that if ever the situation demanded we would both be there to support each other.
Nelly and I became good friends during those first few months and with the added appreciation of my efforts in caring for Elizabeth from my employers to encourage me I quickly settled into life at the Taylor household. Even the horrors of Birkenau continued to fade from my mind and I found myself able to smile at the picture of my parents and Joseph as I got out of bed each morning rather than viewing it merely as a sad reminder of their loss. I would talk to them, telling them about the tasks that lay before and how much I was looking forward to all I had to do in the day ahead. But this new sense of joy and contentment I was experiencing was soon to come crashing down around me.
A few weeks before the baby was due Mr Taylor called me into his study. I was a little unnerved by this request as he didn’t usually ask to see me on my own. I knew that Mrs Taylor had gone out with Elizabeth and was concerned perhaps I had done something wrong or upset them in some way and that Mr. Taylor, as head of the house, was going to tell me off or worse, let me go.
I entered his study with a sense of trepidation, immediately apologising for anything I might have done wrong, even though I had no idea as to what it might be. He smiled and reassured me that all was well, adding that both he and Mrs Taylor were so pleased with my work and care for Elizabeth that they had decided to give me a small rise in my pay.
“I know Helen has spoken to you already about how indebted we are to you for all you have achieved with Elizabeth to date. Also for the help and support you have demonstrated towards Helen herself during this difficult time with her pregnancy. That is something for which I am personally very grateful to you for as well. And so after discussing this together we have agreed that as a token of our appreciation and ongoing commitment towards you as your employers we feel it is right to reward you in this way.”
I took a deep breath, mainly of relief.
“Thank you, sir, that is very kind. I do feel my work is appreciated and I will continue to do my best for the family and especially Elizabeth.”
As we were talking Nelly knocked and entered the room with a tray containing a pot of tea along with two cups and saucers. She winked at me as she placed the tray on a small table by the side of Mr Taylor’s chair.
“Would like me to pour the tea sir?”
“No thank you, Nelly, I think we can manage that for ourselves can’t we, Ruth?”
I smiled, nodding my agreement but also wishing he had let Nelly do it, assuming it would fall to me to fill the cups and fearing that nerves might get the better of me and I would spill some in the saucer or on the tray.
Nelly curtsied and turned to leave, smiling at me briefly before making her way to the door and closing it behind her.
Mr Taylor leant forward and nodded towards the tea tray. “I wonder if you would mind doing the honours, my dear, tea pots and I don’t enjoy the happiest of relationships. I tend to get as much in the saucer as I do the cup, or at least that’s what Helen accuses me of.”
“Of course.” With my suspicions confirmed I nervously placed the cups in the saucers and taking great care slowly poured the tea, thankfully without spilling a drop. I set a cup in front of him before taking my own from the tray.
“Please, my dear,” he said, indicating for me to sit opposite him again so we could continue our discussion.
“I trust you are beginning to feel settled here with us, Ruth, and that Elizabeth is not proving too demanding?
“I am very happy thank you, sir and Elizabeth is a delightful little girl. I also appreciate all that you and Mrs Taylor have done for me by taking me into your home. If you feel there is anything more I can do to be of assistance please let me know, especially with the new baby due soon.”
/> Mr Taylor took a sip of his tea before placing the cup back in the saucer and rising. He walked towards the big window that overlooked the garden and stood silently for a few moments before turning to face me again. He smiled.
I wasn’t sure how to react so I smiled back in the hope this was the right response to whatever he was about to say.
He walked slowly and deliberately back to his chair before sitting and taking another drink from his cup. Looking directly at me he took a cigarette case from his jacket, then removing one placed it between his lips as he reached into his waistcoat pocket for his lighter with the other hand.
“I trust you don’t mind my smoking, Ruth? Helen doesn’t really like the habit; she says it leaves an unpleasant odour around the house and especially on Elizabeth’s clothing, although I can’t really say I have noticed it myself.” I nodded my approval, having neither the right nor an overriding desire to object.
“Of course, sir, although I have never tried it myself, never wanted to really. Neither of my parents smoked and so I think I never really saw the need or the attraction.”
This seemed a silly thing to say as his employee as I had no right to comment on whether he chose to smoke in his own house or not, and was only sitting in his study drinking tea at his invitation. Also, the fact that I had never smoked or felt the desire to was clearly of little or no interest to him.
“Wise girl.” He smiled. “My wife is probably right but it is a habit I enjoy, at least here in the safety my study where I am safe from her critical eye.” He lit the cigarette, drawing on it deeply before slowly exhaling, a large cloud of smoke rising into the air above our heads.
I sat nervously waiting for whatever it was he was about to say, remembering what Nelly had told me about the times when Mr Taylor’s mood could change in an instant. I had never spent time alone with him before and was concerned not to prove a disappointment in whatever it was he was about to discuss with me. Equally, I wanted to remain faithful in my duties to Mrs Taylor and Elizabeth both of whom I had developed a genuine fondness for, and to whom I felt that ultimately my greater loyalty lay.