Something Like Lightning

by Jay Bell

  “William didn’t mean to cause the accident,” he said. “He didn’t want to hurt me. It’s not his fault.”

  Allison blinked. “Then whose fault is it?”

  Kelly opened his mouth, but no words came out.

  Allison studied him a moment before a gentle knock at the door drew their attention. She glanced at the watch on her wrist and sighed. “Out of time. I hate when that happens. One more question, the very same one I asked at the beginning of the hour. How are you feeling?”

  Kelly considered the question and answered honestly. “Better.” Allison nodded. “I’m glad to hear it. I’d love to talk to you again. If you’re up for it.”

  “Yes,” Kelly said instantly. “Definitely.”

  “Good. Let’s go speak with your mom.”

  His stomach sank as they stood and headed for the waiting room. He shouldn’t be surprised. Allison would confer with his mother now, giving her a full report of his personal thoughts and feelings. That was the deal. His parents wanted to know what was wrong with him, and Allison’s job was to figure it out and tell them. Already they were talking together.

  “—another appointment this time next week.” Allison was saying as she flipped open a book on her desk. “A little later actually, if that works for you. Four in the afternoon?”

  “Yes,” Laisha responded, seeming uncertain. “That would be fine.” “Great!” Allison smiled at Kelly. “I’m looking forward to it. See you then!”

  His mother didn’t move. “I thought we would have time to talk.” “Oh!” Allison said. “You want an appointment for yourself?”

  “I mean now,” Laisha said. “About all of this. About Kelly and the pills.”

  “He’s doing fine,” Allison said. “Sometimes it helps to talk things through, especially with the knowledge that anything you say will remain confidential.”

  “I’m his mother.”

  Allison nodded. “Yes, but there are some things we don’t feel comfortable telling our parents. Otherwise he would have done so already. Maybe in some future session, if Kelly is okay with it, we can all sit down together. For the time being, I’d rather work with him alone. You have a wonderful son, Mrs. Phillips. We all wander off the path sometimes. Maybe he and I can figure out if it was the right path to begin with.”

  “Okay,” his mother said, not sounding convinced. “Well... Thank you for your time.”

  They were at the car before his mother tsked and shook her head. “I don’t know. All I wanted was—”

  “Mom,” Kelly interrupted. “It helped. Seriously.”

  She looked him over, her features relaxing somewhat. “I suppose that’s all that matters.”

  They huddled together at the bus stop, the plastic roof above their heads too narrow to completely shield them from the drizzle. The weather was slightly chilly, but Kelly didn’t mind, since it allowed him to nestle up to William for warmth. The evening had been nice. He’d given a lot of thought to the list he had made for Allison, and how much of what he thought lost was still right there. With that in mind, he’d invited William out for dinner and a movie. And they were getting along, proving that nothing between them was permanently damaged. A little bruised maybe, but they could heal.

  As enjoyable as cuddling against William was, Kelly was eager to get home and warm up through more intimate activities. “I don’t think the bus is coming,” he said.

  William glanced down the street. “I think you’re right. It’s what— twenty minutes late now?”

  “When’s the next one?” Kelly asked.

  William twisted to check the sign posted behind them. “Ugh. Another forty minutes.”

  “Makes me miss driving.”

  William didn’t respond.

  “Let’s call my parents,” Kelly said. “It’s getting cold.”

  “We could walk,” William said. “Start heading the right direction but stay on the bus route. That will warm us up, and we can catch the next bus about halfway.”

  “Crutches and the rain,” Kelly chided. “Not the best combination. Unless you want to carry me. No, I’ll call home.” He reached for his phone.

  “Wait,” William said, sounding tense. “It’s been a nice night.” Meaning that being around Kelly’s family would ruin it for him. He didn’t take it personally. Rarely a day passed that someone in his family didn’t make a slight at William’s expense. Kelly was tired of that. Maybe they should have one big family session with Allison. Regardless... “One call, a quick car ride, and we’ll be alone in my room.”

  William perked up. “I’ll call my mom! She can give us a ride.” Kelly’s stomach filled with dread. So maybe he understood William’s reluctance. Mrs. Townson behaved as if Kelly had stolen her son away. “We could call her,” he said carefully, “but it doesn’t make sense for her to drive us to my house before returning to her own. That’s an extra trip my parents won’t have to make.”

  “So let’s stay at my place,” William suggested.

  Kelly searched for an excuse not to, his jaw working. He had promised himself he wouldn’t argue tonight, but he hated the idea of seeing Mrs. Townson’s pursed lips, or watching her fawn over William, intruding on their personal time together.

  “We can wait for the next bus,” he said at last.

  “I don’t want to,” William said. “I like the idea of being in my own room.”

  “Then maybe we should each call our parents and go our separate ways,” Kelly snapped. He took a deep breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

  “It’s okay,” William said, not sounding angry. “We can’t always spend so much time together.”

  Kelly glanced over at him. Something in his tone suggested this comment wasn’t a general observation. “What do you mean?”

  “I got a job,” William said. “Part time, after school.”

  “Where?” Kelly asked, hating the panic in his voice.

  “That juice place at the mall.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “For the money. Just think of the presents I’ll be able to buy you.”

  All Kelly could think of was the additional time they would spend apart. Lately William had been waking up earlier than normal to go swimming. When Kelly opened his eyes in the morning, the bed next to him was already empty. Now the only hours they would spend together would be in school—when they couldn’t really be intimate—and whatever meager time remained before bed. How was that a relationship?

  William didn’t appear apologetic, or worried about missing anything. He didn’t even seem interested in discussing it further. Instead he stared down the road, but he was no longer searching for a bus. His eyes were unfocused, and he wasn’t even looking in the right direction. Kelly watched him with a sinking sensation. That list he’d made for Allison? He felt certain he’d got one thing right. Somehow, he had lost William.

  Chapter Twelve

  “So he got a job,” Allison said. “Big whoop. You’ll still have weekends together, and really, not many people your age share a bed every night with the person they love. You’re spending more time together than any of your peers.”

  Kelly shook his head. “I trust my instincts. William is distancing himself from me on purpose. I don’t blame him. Lately I’m so damn pissy.”

  Allison didn’t argue the point. Instead her brow furrowed as she looked over her notes. She hadn’t taken them while he talked, meaning she must have written down her observations after their previous session. He wondered—if he asked—whether he would be allowed to read them or not. “I’m glad we’re talking about William,” she said. “Let’s go back to the accident. Last time you said it wasn’t William’s fault.”

  “It wasn’t.”

  “Okay. Do you feel like the accident was anyone’s fault?”

  Kelly nodded. He’d thought about this many times. “I pushed him,” Kelly said. “Not just that morning in the car, but even before then. There’s this part of me that feels vulnerable, and my reaction is to l
ash out. Well, I kept lashing out at William until he couldn’t take it anymore.”

  Allison frowned. “You’d be surprised how often I hear the same thing, usually from women. They didn’t fulfill their husband’s needs or take his feelings into consideration or blah blah blah, and that’s why he was forced to hit them.”

  “It was an accident,” Kelly stressed. “William isn’t abusive. I’m not a battered woman!”

  “So the only way William could have reacted that day was to jerk the wheel and send you both spiraling into traffic? He couldn’t have ignored you, or told you to shut up, or pulled over until he got his temper under control?”

  Kelly sighed. “My mom got to you, didn’t she? They hate William, and you’re supposed to make me feel the same way.”

  “Nope,” Allison said. “I’m not trying to break you guys up. Believe me, I know how impossible it is to talk sense into a lovesick heart. But I am trying to make a point. You blame yourself for what happened, right? Well, what if the situation was reversed?”

  “Like if I had been driving that day?”

  “And lost your temper, turned the car into oncoming traffic, and cost William his leg. Just think how that would have affected his life.”

  Kelly’s head spun as he considered the implications. “No more swimming. At least not like before. And definitely no Coast Guard. William wants to be a rescue swimmer, and it’s one of the most physically grueling programs out there. Hardly anyone graduates.”

  “In other words,” Allison said, “a shattered dream. How would you feel if you had done all that to him?”

  “Awful.”

  “And who would you blame. Him?”

  “No!” Kelly said instantly.

  “But he made you so angry! While you were driving! He pushed and pushed and—”

  “Okay,” Kelly said quietly. “I get it.”

  “You want to know why you harbor so much anger?” Allison asked. “Maybe it’s because you haven’t allowed yourself to be angry at the right person. You keep blaming yourself, and honestly, I’m not asking you to stop and blame William instead. You both made mistakes that day. You shouldn’t have argued with someone who was driving. He shouldn’t have reacted in the way he did. Even the rain is to blame, or the truck that collided with you. Maybe the driver could have done something differently—more sleep, coffee, or who knows what else. There are more factors at play than we can ever count, but the only finger of blame you’re pointing is at yourself. That doesn’t seem fair to me.”

  “So what do I do?” Kelly said. “Go home and yell at William?” “There’s been enough yelling,” Allison said, “but maybe it’s time to sit down and talk. Tell him what you’re sorry for and what you regret about that day. If he’s a good man, he’ll do the same. He broke your trust. He was supposed to drive you safely. An accident is forgetting to check your blind spot and sideswiping another car. Wanting to scare someone just to shut them up, that’s no accident.”

  “But he didn’t want—”

  “I know,” Allison said. “He didn’t want you to lose a leg, but he should have known the risk he was taking with your safety. Does William blame himself?”

  “Yes,” Kelly said. “Even though I wish he wouldn’t.”

  “Let him accept responsibility. You denying he did something wrong when he knows he did can’t feel good. You both messed up. Better acknowledge that before it tears you apart. You boys need to talk.”

  Kelly stared at her. “God I love your brain!”

  Allison sighed wistfully. “Gay men always do.”

  “You’re alive!”

  Kelly spun around to face the parking lot—at least as quickly as his crutches would allow—and made sure to put on a suitably guilty expression. “Sorry,” he said.

  Bonnie shook her head. He wouldn’t be forgiven so easily. She pulled out her phone, rested her weight on one hip, and read from the screen. “Last text message I got from you says, and I quote, ‘Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus!’ That’s it. I’ve spent the last two days wondering if you were having an orgasm, or if you saw Godzilla just before getting eaten.”

  “I’m sorry,” Kelly repeated. “You know all that stuff I’ve been talking about with my counselor?” He lowered his voice as two guys from the youth group passed them on the way into the church. “William and I finally had the talk.”

  “You did?” Bonnie dropped all pretense of being angry. “How’d it go?”

  “Good,” Kelly said. “William actually cried.”

  “For real?”

  “Yeah, but more like he was relieved. We both accepted blame for what happened. Then we took turns expressing what we were angry about before we forgave each other. It felt... cleansing.”

  Bonnie snorted. “Cleansing? Please tell me you’re not getting too deep into this self-help stuff. Pretty soon you’ll be lighting incense and asking everyone to hold hands while sharing their positive energy.”

  “Laugh all you want, but William and I are enjoying our second honeymoon.”

  “Well, in that case I’m glad.” Bonnie shot a wink at Lisa, who blushed before hurrying on her way. “Love those shy girls. So how did you get here without me giving you a ride?”

  “That’s one of the things we discussed,” Kelly said. “William and I both feel uncomfortable around each other’s parents, so to minimize that, no more bumming rides from them. We’re trying to be more independent, which means taking buses as much as possible.”

  Bonnie shrugged. “I’m still available if you need me, but I think I understand. So you spent the last couple of days in bed together?”

  Kelly grinned in response.

  “I’ll take that as a yes. Let’s head inside and see if there are any new girls looking to do the same with me.”

  Kelly didn’t keep tabs on the girls much, but all the faces seemed familiar. After grabbing a sparkling water from the refreshments table and deciding none of the snacks appealed to him, he took the seat William had reserved for him. Bonnie plopped down on an old love seat farther along, the space next to her empty, like she was tempting fate.

  Keith was wiping down the marker board he adored writing on while lecturing them, a sure sign that the meeting was about to begin. Before it could, two late arrivals entered the room—a guy and a girl who were holding hands like Hansel and Gretel on their way into the dark spooky woods. Kelly resisted a chuckle, remembering how nervous he’d been his first time. Unless they were actually a couple. If so, he couldn’t imagine what they were doing here. The girl—heavyset with a face more handsome than pretty—shook off the guy’s hand. With a flick of her sunshine brown hair, she strutted into the room like she owned the place. This made the guy appear alarmed before he hurried to catch up with her. They went to the refreshments table and poked around, the entire room growing silent as they were observed.

  “It’s like an AA meeting in here,” the girl muttered.

  Layne, who was casually inching toward them, responded with, “You’ve got that right, honey, but it’s not booze we’re addicted to!”

  Most people laughed. Kelly rolled his eyes, noticing how the new guy’s shoulders tensed before he spun around, as if he intended to leave. Probably a closet case. Like a shepherd sensing one of his flock about to go astray, Keith blocked his path and offered a hand. When it became clear that the guy wasn’t going to make a break for it, Kelly turned his attention to William, who was staring at the newcomers with his mouth hanging half-open. Kelly playfully put a finger beneath his chin and closed it.

  “Someone you know?” he asked.

  “No,” William said, blinking before flashing a smile. “It’s just been awhile since there’s been anyone new.”

  “I know,” Kelly said. Then in his best imitation of Dracula, he added, “Fresh meat! ”

  “Okay!” Keith said, taking a seat next to Bonnie. Kelly stifled a laugh. If she was hoping for a hot new love affair, it was off to a rocky start. “Today we’re going to talk about relationships. But
first, let’s do a round of introductions.”

  Kelly groaned. He wasn’t alone. Bonnie shot him a glare and mouthed “self-help” as if this was all his fault.

  “Now, now!” Keith said. “Some new people are here today, and I could also use a reminder of who’s who. Tell us your name and one thing about yourself.”

  Kelly daydreamed through most of this. He knew everyone in group so well that he could have done the introductions for each person. Layne wanted to be a makeup artist. Sarah was crazy about boy bands—which was weird since she dug chicks. Lisa wanted to establish an animal shelter for injured wildlife, and Bonnie loved her cello. Everyone had their thing. Then it was Kelly’s turn. He opened his mouth to talk about his Olympic dream or his love of photography, before he remembered what Allison had said. He was mourning his lost dream, but he hadn’t found a new one yet. His voice nearly caught in his throat until humor came to the rescue.

  “My name is Kelly,” he said. “And I’m very disappointed Lisa didn’t bring brownies this time, since I skipped breakfast.”

  “Sorry!” Lisa replied from across the room.

  Kelly smiled at her. “It’s okay.”

  “I’m William,” his boyfriend said, “and I’m glad there aren’t any brownies since I ate way too much this morning.”

  Kelly was about to smile when the new girl cried out like she’d been struck. “Nyyyah!” Did she have Tourette Syndrome or something?

  “Oh, go ahead!” Keith said.

  “Sorry.” The girl twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “All this talk of food got me excited.”

  Layne guffawed and slapped his knee. Even Kelly couldn’t resist a smile.

  “My name is Emma,” she continued, “and I was born to love you. Unfortunately I can only love one of you, so let’s keep things civil. No cat fights, please, but I do accept bribes.”

  The room laughed, all except Kelly, who leaned forward to look down the row at Bonnie. She was smiling appreciatively, her eyes half-lidded. That dry spell was about to come to an end.