Something Like Lightning

by Jay Bell

  “Let’s start with numbers,” Kelly said. “Emma, I was under the impression that you are our age. Unless I misunderstood from the very beginning.” He looked to Bonnie. “Did I?”

  She inhaled deeply and shook her head.

  “So basically, Emma told you, Bonnie, that she was sixteen, when in fact, she is only fourteen.”

  “Almost fifteen,” Emma said. “Just a few more weeks.” “Congratulations,” Kelly said dryly. “But ‘almost fifteen’ does not equal sixteen, which you claimed to be.”

  Bonnie stirred next to him. “I don’t think she told me her age at all.” “That was me,” Jason piped up. “I told you she was sixteen because I thought you wouldn’t give her a chance.”

  “Of course she wouldn’t have,” Tim grumped. “Fourteen is too young to date!”

  “Oh, absolutely,” Kelly agreed. “But what I don’t get is if you aren’t her uncle—” He gestured first at Tim with his fork, then at Jason. “—and you aren’t either, then where does this Ben guy fit in?”

  “Ben and Tim are—” Emma began.

  Tim raised a hand to silence her. “She has an uncle who lives here in Austin. I’m more of an honorary uncle.”

  Kelly nodded, certain that Tim was being duplicitous. “But you and Ben meet in secrecy sometimes.”

  “Not anymore. We used to in high school when we were a couple. Then we broke up.”

  This gave him pause. Was Tim outright lying? Or was he twisting the truth? He prodded further. “How odd. Bonnie clearly expected Ben to be with you. He’s the one who sings, right? Or can you sing, Jason? That would surprise me because you’ve been very quiet recently.”

  Jason looked up from his plate of cold lasagna, eyes blazing. “Tim’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Obviously,” Kelly said.

  “Emma’s Uncle Ben,” Jason continued, “he’s Tim’s boyfriend. They’re an amazing couple and are nice enough to let me live with them. And go along with my stupid ideas, like this one.”

  Kelly looked at William and raised his eyebrows. His boyfriend met his gaze, open to further persecution. Time to move in for the kill. “And why would you pretend to be with someone when you’re not?”

  Annoyingly, Tim chose to answer for him. “Haven’t you ever been single? Haven’t you been around other couples, ones you envy because what they share seems so incredibly wonderful that you want it for yourself? And, even though they might not intend to, don’t those happy couples sometimes make you feel small and insignificant, like you aren’t good enough to join their ranks?”

  Kelly thought of Jared and Martha, and how crappy that had felt, but it wasn’t a fair comparison. Jared had been single when Kelly had developed feelings for him. Kelly hadn’t lied and wormed his way into Jared’s life, trying to steal what wasn’t his.

  “I know,” Tim continued. “I’ve been there before, and I didn’t want Jason to feel the same way. He deserves to be loved. I meant what I said earlier about how handsome he is, but it’s his personality that really shines. He’s a survivor. He’s been on his own since he was a kid, he’s worked full-time since he was sixteen, and life still hasn’t given him the good things he deserves. But he doesn’t let that make him bitter. From what I can tell, he falls in love way too easily, but that’s not a bad thing. I met a guy like him a long time ago, and I’ve been chasing him ever since. So maybe Jason is single now, but it won’t be long before someone recognizes how special he is. That’s not a lie. It’s a prediction. Stick around and you’ll see it come true.”

  Kelly didn’t know what Tim did for a living. Maybe he was a spin doctor for politicians. If not, he should be, because he was gifted at making bullshit sound golden. Regardless, Jason had done all of this with an ulterior motive in mind. He didn’t pretend to have a boyfriend to make himself feel less lonely. He had done so hoping William would let down his guard. Kelly didn’t feel the need to press the issue further. Let awkward silence reign, the truth already laid bare!

  “I don’t care how old she is,” Bonnie said suddenly. “I was thirteen the first time I fell in love, and the woman wouldn’t even look at me. I have to respectfully disagree with you, Tim. Fourteen is old enough to feel, and dating just means spending time with the person you love. Maybe she shouldn’t be alone in Austin with me, but I’m not going to judge her by an arbitrary number. Emma, you’re mature enough for me. That’s all that matters.”

  Emma looked as though she wanted to swoon. Instead she risked a hopeful expression and turned to Tim. “Soooo. About tonight.”’

  Kelly ignored the negotiations that followed, reaching under the table for his boyfriend’s hand. When he found it, he squeezed. William squeezed back. They were okay. All this stuff with Jason had been a close call, but now William knew he had been duped. All that remained was politely letting the evening come to a natural end. From the excited banter Emma and Bonnie were exchanging, they wouldn’t have to part ways tonight. Even Tim loosened up, ordering a beer that greatly improved his mood. Jason, on the other hand, mostly stared at his plate. Kelly felt a little sorry for him, but a lie was a lie.

  Finally the meal was over. Bonnie asked to drive Emma back to her uncle’s house, which sucked, because Kelly knew they wanted to be alone for romantic reasons. That meant taking the bus again... until Tim offered to give them a lift. Kelly eagerly agreed. An awkward car ride in a Bentley beat an awkward bus ride any day.

  He had imagined sitting in the backseat with William, but Tim—who seemed a little tipsy—made a joke about playing taxi and hopped in the back. Jason was the designated driver, leaving them little choice but to split up.

  “You take shotgun,” William murmured. “Okay?”’

  Kelly hid his surprise and nodded. This was over. Well and truly over. Once on the road, Kelly fed directions to Jason piece by piece, while William went into nervous passenger mode and started talking nonstop. Tim seemed happy to accommodate him. During the longer stretches, Kelly felt like he should say something to Jason. Sorry the evening didn’t go as you hoped, or There are other fish in the sea that haven’t already been hooked. But really, Kelly didn’t think any words could provide comfort. Hearts took their own sweet time to heal.

  When they finally reached Kelly’s house, he opened the car door and glanced over. William was in the back seat with his head bowed, his features lost in shadow. “Time to go,” Kelly prompted.

  William didn’t move at first. When he finally did look up, he said, “I’m staying at my place tonight. I’m tired.”’

  Vulnerability chipped away at Kelly’s newfound confidence. “You can be tired here.”’

  “I want to be in my own bed.” William replied. “Besides, my mom misses me.”’

  “Fine.”

  Kelly struggled to get out of the car, the crutches catching on something he couldn’t see. At moments like these, he wanted nothing more than to smoothly slip out of the car and make his escape. Instead his exit was clumsy, his embarrassment compounded when William got out to help him. They didn’t speak as they crossed the lawn. When they reached the porch, Kelly turned to face William, but he wasn’t deluded enough to expect a goodnight kiss.

  “He’s a liar,” Kelly said, trying to keep his voice from rising, but this only made it sound like a hiss.

  “You made that painfully clear at the restaurant,” William said.

  “Can you blame me?” Kelly asked.

  William didn’t answer.

  “Tell me you understand,” Kelly said, hating how desperate he sounded. “Jason has a thing for you. All of this is because he wants to be with you!”

  William’s features remained impassive. “I know.”

  “Then why get back in the car with those people?”

  “I need to be home. I need my space.”

  Tonight of all nights? They should be pulling together, talking this through. Obviously William felt differently. Maybe he didn’t want to go home at all. Maybe the reason he kept looking back to where Jason had parked,
jaw clenching, was because he couldn’t wait to return there.

  “I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” Kelly spat.

  William’s head whipped around. “Meaning?”

  “That you’re more like your father than you care to admit.”

  William looked as though he’d been slapped. “That’s not who I am,” he growled. “I don’t lie, and I don’t cheat!”

  Kelly shook his head. “Then what are you doing?”

  William didn’t answer with words. Kelly wished he had, because his reaction was so much worse than anything that could have been spoken: William looked uncertain. He didn’t know what he was doing, hadn’t decided yet, but he felt pulled in more than one direction—that was for sure.

  “Stay the night,” Kelly said, a lump in his throat.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  As William turned and walked away, Kelly laughed bitterly. To think he had felt so victorious at the restaurant, when in truth, he had already lost. No matter what he said or did, he couldn’t win anymore.

  “Are you okay?”

  Allison’s eyes were wide with concern when she entered the waiting room. She looked Kelly over, as if expecting to find him wearing a cast or clutching at a stab wound.

  “I’m fine,” he said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “When you called this morning, you said it was an emergency.”

  “Oh.” Kelly grimaced. “Maybe I should have said personal crisis instead.”

  Allison didn’t relax just yet. “You sure sounded upset.”

  “I was.” Upset? More like locked in the bathroom and sobbing. “I’m feeling a little better. But I’d still like to talk to you. Please.”

  Allison gestured to her office door. “Come on in.”

  He took his customary spot on the couch, struggling to find a good place to begin. He hadn’t seen Allison for months, and since then, Kelly’s entire world had fallen apart.

  “How’s your anger?” she asked.

  “Better. At least it was. Now it’s back in full force.”

  “Any reason why?”

  “Jason.” Yes, that pretty much summed it up.

  Allison checked her notes. “I don’t remember us talking about him before.”

  “He’s new. Showed up at one of our gay youth meetings, and long story short, he’s infatuated with William. The more time goes by, the more I suspect the feeling is mutual.”

  “You’re worried that William is cheating on you?”

  Kelly hesitated. “Not exactly, but I’m near certain he wants to. William is... noble. He’s one of those people who seems too good to be true, like he must have some hidden dark side.”

  Allison raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t he?”

  “The accident.” Kelly sighed. “I’m not saying he’s perfect, but his father cheated on his mother before they got divorced. William is still angry with him over that, so I don’t think he would do the same to me.” “It’s normal to feel tempted,” Allison said. “In any long-term relationship, there will always be someone new who comes along and seems fresh and exciting. Everyone has thoughts they don’t act on, and that’s okay. As long as you’re certain William isn’t cheating, it might be worth waiting to see if it all blows over.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Kelly said. “This Jason guy. I can’t decide if he’s a master manipulator or just plain lucky. What’s certain is that he managed to tangle himself up in my life, and he used those crazy sailor knots, ensuring I can’t shake him loose.”

  “That bad?”

  “You have no idea.” Kelly shook his head in exasperation. “Jason asked William for swimming lessons, which means they meet almost every morning. His best friend is dating my best friend, and about a month ago, William invited him on a double date to her cello recital.”

  “So Jason has a boyfriend too.”

  “Ha! No, that’s the best part. He shows up with this hot older guy, but they were only pretending. Turns out that Jason’s boyfriend, Tim, was actually Emma’s uncle. Or the boyfriend of her uncle. Sorry, Emma is Jason’s best friend. The one who is dating my best friend.”

  Allison stared at him incredulously.

  “I know,” Kelly said. “It’s convoluted. Should I go back over it all?” “No!” Allison grabbed her pen and started scribbling furiously. She didn’t seem to be writing anything though. Was she doodling? Kelly supposed most people did that while thinking. “So what were the results of this extremely misguided ploy?”

  “Nothing,” Kelly said. “It’s so frustrating. I exposed Jason as a liar, but he and William keep hanging out like nothing happened. They even went on a picnic together. William said it was a bike ride with a short break to eat, but come on! You better believe I flipped out over that one!”

  “Can’t say I blame you,” Allison said. “I would have invited myself along.”

  “Crutches and bicycles don’t go together real well. I did start tagging along with William during his morning swims. I started showing up at his work more often too. Not to catch him in the act, but just to scare Jason away. Nothing I do makes a difference. Then there’s this stupid fundraiser tonight, and something about it stinks, but I can’t figure out what, and I—” Kelly’s throat tightened and he struggled to get the last few words out. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  Allison stood and opened her arms. “Come here.”

  The gesture summoned a longing from deep inside Kelly. He felt silly as he grabbed his crutches to stand, and as soon as he did, Allison stepped around the table to hug him. She also patted him on the back and gave him a little squeeze.

  “That was very unprofessional of me,” she said once they had parted, “but I can tell when someone needs a hug, and that was an emergency.” “Do you have kids?” Kelly asked. “Because that felt like a mom hug.”

  “Not yet, but I’m working on it.” Allison gestured that they should sit back down. “Now tell me about this fundraiser.”

  Kelly took a deep breath. “William is going to be a topless waiter. I kid you not. Keep in mind this is a gay fundraiser, so it makes a twisted sort of sense. Of course it was Jason who asked William to do this because he also—surprise, surprise—will be a waiter. I figured they just want to spend time together, so I invited myself along. William didn’t mind at all. No argument, no hint of frustration, nothing. He was perfectly fine with it. So I keep telling myself that maybe they really are friends and nothing more. Simple as that. I’m just being insecure. If only my gut would shut the hell up. I’ve gone in so many circles that I don’t even trust myself anymore.” Kelly let his shoulders slump in defeat. “Maybe the only thing that’s wrong is me.”

  Allison was quiet as she considered his words. Then she stood. He thought another hug was incoming, but instead she headed for the door. “I need to make a call,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

  Kelly stared as she left the room. He had been on the verge of tears. Maybe she felt he needed privacy to cry? Was he supposed to now? He didn’t feel like getting himself worked up. He was tired of pitiful tears. What he craved was advice. If he couldn’t figure out which direction was right, he needed someone else to guide him.

  “I’m sorry,” Allison said once she reentered the room. “I know that probably seemed rude, but it couldn’t be helped.”

  “It’s fine,” Kelly said.

  Allison sat down, looked him square in the eye, and sighed. “You’re not crazy. Most people who suspect infidelity are picking up on signals without even realizing it. Unfortunately this makes it easy to second-guess ourselves, when we should be listening to our instincts. That having been said, people who have been cheated on previously tend to expect it to happen again, which can lead to a lot of unjustified suspicion.”

  “I’ve never been cheated on,” Kelly said.

  “Good. As you said, it could be that nothing has happened between Jason and William. But I’m willing to bet your gut is right, and that something is off b
alance. I suggest you ask William to be honest with you. No accusations, no anger or sorrow, just ask him to be honest with you. Talking to each other is the only way this is going to get better.” Kelly swallowed. “And what if I’m right? What if he wishes we weren’t together so he could be with Jason?”

  Allison took a deep breath. “Just before the car wreck, when you and William were arguing, didn’t he try to break up with you?”

  “He was angry,” Kelly said dismissively. “We both were. A lot of things happened that morning we both regret.”

  “The accident, sure, but maybe your relationship was coming to its natural conclusion.”

  Kelly’s voice was terse. “He promised to stay with me.”

  “As you said, William prides himself on his nobility. Breaking up with the person you just put in the hospital is low. Lower than low. This is pure conjecture, but I can imagine William thought he was doing the right thing. Past the trauma of that event, now that you’ve both healed as much as possible, you need to ask yourself what has really changed. If you weren’t compatible before, why would you be now?”

  Kelly thought about it. He was less happy these days, less confident. William hadn’t changed much aside from an added edge of guilt to his actions. Neither of them had been improved by what had happened. Maybe she was right. Maybe the accident had delayed their breakup and nothing more.

  “Talk to him,” Allison said. “Before the party tonight, give him a chance to be honest. If he still isn’t, trust in yourself. Understand me? No matter what happens, you listen to your gut because you’re right.”

  She sounded so certain. Kelly didn’t see how she could be, but that confidence was infectious. Tonight, one way or another, he would get his answer.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Confronting the truth could be like walking toward one’s own execution. Sure, this can be faced with a heart full of bravery and a head held high, but at the end of that march is still something so unpleasant, most people would avoid it. Had they a choice.