Something Like Lightning

by Jay Bell

  But as the day wore on, the silence between them thickened and solidified like gelatin in the refrigerator. Throughout the day, William spoke more to Royal than he did to Kelly. As the afternoon wore on, Kelly found himself doing the same, using his little brother as an unwilling mediator. Maybe that’s why Royal left to visit a friend, leaving awkward tension in his wake.

  Now they were getting ready for bed, their teeth freshly brushed and the covers pulled down. But tonight neither of them had undressed. Not yet. It felt wrong, somehow. Instead they sat on the end of the bed, perched on the edge, as if even this had become too intimate.

  “Kelly—” William began.

  “I’m ready to talk about it,” he interrupted. “Just promise me you’ll be honest and we can get through this.”

  William glanced over at him. But he didn’t promise. His elbows were resting on his knees, his hands hanging limp before him. “I don’t make you happy anymore.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “Are you sure? Because we can’t seem to get through a day without you snapping at me or rolling your eyes or—”

  “I’m a bitch,” Kelly said. “I get pissy. You take it too personally.” William shook his head. “That’s not how it was when we first met. I don’t remember you getting so grumpy with me. Not all the time.”

  Kelly sighed. “Since the accident, I’ve been a little—”

  “Not since then,” William said. “It started before then. That’s why I wanted to break up. I was tired of feeling like I constantly pissed you off. I didn’t make you happy then, and I know I don’t make you happy now.” “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m not. Just think about it. Open yourself to the idea and ask yourself if it’s true.”

  Kelly wanted to argue, but that would only prove William’s point. So he sat quietly, just for appearances, but ended up thinking about it anyway. He loved William, that much was certain. But damn if he wasn’t too noble and too nice sometimes! These might be wonderful traits, but they made Kelly feel bad about himself by comparison. And really, he didn’t think there was anything wrong with snarling at the world occasionally, or even at each other. That was perfectly normal. Except William didn’t seem to have that in him. He seemed to function by a different set of standards, and yes, this often drove Kelly crazy. To be fair, his own standards frustrated William just as much, except instead of getting irritated with Kelly, he got hurt instead.

  “Maybe we’re not the most compatible,” Kelly admitted, “but they say opposites attract.”

  “They might attract, but they don’t stick together.”

  Kelly raised an eyebrow. “What are you saying?”

  “That I don’t make you happy anymore, and if I’m honest, I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

  “If you’re honest,” Kelly said, his voice rising, “all of this is actually about Jason Grant! ”

  “Not all of it,” William said, “but yeah. Meeting him made everything complicated. I promised you I would stay. In the emergency room, I swore I would never leave you because I wanted to do the right thing. And I still do, but now I’m worried that if we keep going like this, I’m going to do the wrong thing.”

  “With Jason,” Kelly spat.

  “Yes, with Jason! I’m through denying it. I love him.”

  Kelly felt like he’d been shoved backward, arms flailing to catch hold of some support and finding only empty air. That they found each other attractive was no surprise. That temptation existed—the allure of something new—all of that he already knew. But love?

  “I never wanted to hurt you,” William said, “and I didn’t do this on purpose, I swear. Just... just think about the morning of the accident and pretend I didn’t screw up and cost you your leg. If none of that had happened, do you really think we’d still be together?”

  Kelly ignored this. “You love him? How far have things gone?”

  William glanced over. “Isn’t that far enough already? I want to be with him, but I also made a promise to you. I can keep that promise, but it seems insane, because you’re not happy and I’m not happy, and now that you know the truth, do you really think that’s going to get better? Is there anything we can say or do to fix this? Because if not, I’m scared I’m going to end up hating you.”

  Kelly’s mind raced to find a solution, but he already knew William was right. What satisfaction was there in holding on to someone against their will? Part of him was still tempted, because the idea of being alone —no, of being broken and knowing he’d never find someone else to love him—that scared the hell out of him. But he hated feeling pathetic, and nothing was sadder than clutching at an unwilling lover.

  “Okay,” he said quietly.

  “Okay?” William repeated. “What do you mean?”

  “You kept your promise to me long enough. You stayed by my side.” Kelly swallowed, the next part the hardest to say. “You’re free. Go be with him.”

  William didn’t move. “I hope we can be friends. I still want you in my life.”

  Kelly laughed bitterly. “Well, we don’t have much choice. We share almost every class in school, so for the next few months, you’re stuck with me.”

  “I can ask to be transferred to other classes,” William said. “If you want.”

  “No,” Kelly said instantly. “I really don’t.” They looked at each other, exchanging pained expressions. “I hate that everything ended up this way.”

  “Me too,” William said. “I wish we had quit while it was still good, before it got tarnished by... everything.”

  Kelly nodded, glancing around at the room in disdain. All the happy memories they’d made were upstairs. They had left all of that behind nearly a year ago. The room they sat in now was stale with old struggles and slowly disintegrating feelings. The large space would feel twice as empty without someone to share it.

  “I need your help,” Kelly said. “One last favor.”

  “I should probably head home before it gets too late,” William said, putting on his shoes.

  “I don’t mean tonight. Tomorrow. Maybe the next day too.”

  “Oh.”

  Kelly rolled his eyes. “Just a couple more afternoons with me. Then you can spend your entire life with that floozy.”

  William looked surprised.

  “That’s right,” Kelly said, “I called him a floozy. And you know that’s me being nice. I can think of numerous other terms that would be more appropriate, such as—”

  “All right, all right,” William said with a wry smile. “I’ll help you.” He stood and stretched, turning to Kelly and seeming at a loss. “I guess this is it.”

  Kelly felt a lump in his throat. “I guess so.”

  William just stood there, eyes getting wetter, his features becoming more vulnerable by the second. “You were my first everything,” he said.

  Including his first breakup, and Kelly knew from experience that at this point, he probably needed an extra push. “From the sound of things, I won’t be your last. Good night, William.”

  “Kelly, I really did lo—”

  “Good night,” Kelly repeated, looking away. He kept his jaw squared until he heard the door open and close. Then he let go, his lip trembling. “I loved you too.”

  “Oh, wow!” Bonnie said.

  “Yeah.”

  They surveyed the room together, squeezed into the doorway. Kelly had one hand on Bonnie’s shoulder for support and tried to shake the feeling they were on the threshold of a museum exhibit. Since no red rope held them back, Kelly hopped forward, setting his crutches aside and turning to sit on the office chair. Bonnie followed him, glancing around as she headed for the bed.

  “It’s like a time machine or something,” she said.

  That it was. Kelly’s room had returned from the past. His real room, not the master bedroom of his parents. He was upstairs again, and everything had been restored to where it once was. Mostly. There weren’t any photos of Jared or William on the wall. Kelly hadn’
t done this to turn back the clock. Not exactly. The accident had happened. He accepted that, but instead of getting bogged down by self-pity, relying on pills to make him feel happy, or clinging desperately to William, Kelly was moving on. Yes, a lot of bad things had happened, but he was marching forward.

  “I like it,” Bonnie said as she sat, “but I don’t get it. If my parents were ever foolish enough to give me their bedroom, they’d have to burn the house down before I’d give it up again.”

  Kelly shrugged. “It felt weird. Besides, they’ve put up with enough without having to be crammed into this room.”

  “Why not?” Bonnie said. “It’s big enough for two.” Then she winced.

  Kelly felt like doing the same. He had shared this room with William on more than one occasion, and it certainly had been large enough. At times he wished it had been smaller, forcing them to be near and touch even more than they had.

  “How are you doing?” Bonnie asked.

  Kelly considered the question. “Like a doctor started doing open-heart surgery on me and wandered away halfway through the procedure.” “So no great feeling of liberation? Some breakups are like getting a second chance at life. Know what I mean?”

  “Yeah. Maybe once I figure out what I want to do, I’ll feel better. For now, I’d rather not talk about it.”

  Bonnie looked pensive. “It’s just that...”

  “What?”

  “Does this mean I have to break up with Emma?”

  Kelly almost laughed. Instead he kept his face stoic. “I didn’t want to ask, but it would make things a lot easier. You’d do that for me?”

  Bonnie crinkled up her features as if in pain. She hemmed and hawed, and Kelly let her squirm. Just before her head exploded from the pressure, he let her off the hook.

  “Of course you don’t need to break up with Emma. William and I are still friends. He’s the one who helped move all my stuff back up here.” “Okay,” Bonnie said hesitantly. “It’s just that people always say they’re going to be friends, even if they don’t mean it.”

  “I mean it,” Kelly said. “I think he does too. We have all those classes together, and pretty soon we’ll be graduating.”

  “Think he’ll still join the Coast Guard?”

  “Why wouldn’t he?” Kelly blinked. “Are you saying he only enlisted to get away from me? He better join!”

  Bonnie laughed. “If he doesn’t, just remember that my relationship with Emma has your blessing. You can’t take it back!”

  Kelly never would because now, more than ever, he knew what a treasure it was to have someone special. It was bad enough he had to be alone again. At the very least, he was glad his best friend had gotten something good out of this mess.

  “There’s another youth group meeting coming up,” she said, perhaps having similar thoughts.

  “I’ll pass,” Kelly said dismissively.

  “Nope. You’re going, and you’ll keep on going until you and I are both tied down to someone and so happy that it’s repulsive to outsiders. Deal?”

  Kelly sighed. Then he nodded.

  Life had returned to normal in every way possible. At school, most people had gotten used to Kelly’s situation, so he was no longer treated with overwhelming courtesy. In fact, a few people made annoyed comments when tripping over his crutches. Kelly was fine with that, since it meant he’d returned to being just another student in the high school herd.

  The days felt long as graduation drew near. With little doubt that he would be graduating with a decent grade point average, Kelly daydreamed through most of his classes. Or sometimes he would look to where his ex-boyfriend sat, but William never so much as glanced in his direction. Oh, they would talk before class or during lunch. That was never a problem, but those wistful little moments of regret belonged to Kelly alone.

  The youth group meetings returned to normal too. No William or Jason. Just familiar faces, like Layne, who also bemoaned being single again and had taken to wearing running mascara to show how sad he was —or so he claimed. He still cracked jokes every chance he got. Newcomers came and went, none interested in Kelly. The feeling was mutual. Maybe his heart was all tapped out, drained of whatever it took to love, although it did experience a brief revival when William showed up at his door shortly after graduation. Alas, he wasn’t there to beg for him back. He had only come to say goodbye.

  “I’m shipping out,” William said, puffing up his chest, but not in pride. Instead he looked on the verge of tears. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. Taking me in, letting me go, showing me what love could be. I’m happy, and I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for you.”

  Had it been anyone else, Kelly would have felt slighted. Thanks so much for letting me dump you! Now I’m finally happy! But this was William, who of course was only trying to be nice. Kelly allowed himself a sigh when William hugged him but made sure to roll his eyes when their bodies parted, as if he were annoyed by the whole display.

  Then he smiled. “You’re going to be amazing,” he said. “The Coast Guard won’t know what hit them. You’ll be running the place by this time next week.”

  “I doubt that,” William said with a goofy grin.

  “What about Jason?” Kelly asked. “Did you talk him into enlisting?”

  “No.”

  “But he’s going with you somehow, right?”

  William took a deep breath. “What I’m about to do, it’s just for me.” “So it’s a long distance relationship now?”

  William bit his bottom lip. “I told him we should be apart. I need to focus on my dream. If I’m still with him, all I’ll do is look back and think about going home, which will make—”

  “—it impossible to become a rescue swimmer.” Kelly nodded his understanding. “You and I were doomed from the start. You know that? If the accident hadn’t happened, I would have given everything up for the Olympics, and you would have done what you’re doing now. In some alternate reality where I still have my leg and we stayed together, we’re probably standing here, saying goodbye. Just like we are now.”

  William searched his face, but his thoughts weren’t on the past or even some other present. Instead he was concerned about the future. “Do you think I screwed things up with Jason? Did I make the right decision?”

  Kelly shrugged. “How did he react?”

  “He keeps saying he’s going to wait for me.”

  “Four years?”

  “Yeah.”

  Kelly snorted. Then he swallowed, because maybe this Jason guy loved William more than he ever could have. “I’m sure you’ll be okay. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find each other again.”

  William tried to get him in another hug, but Kelly dodged backward as best he could and offered his hand. After a moment, William took it, but he didn’t shake it. He just held it.

  “Take care of yourself,” he said. “Don’t be surprised if a bunch of guys come chasing after you now that I’m out of the picture.”

  “In that case,” Kelly said, “don’t be surprised if we meet again and I struggle to remember who you are. So many lovers, so little time.”

  William smiled at his joke, and they both knew that’s all it was. Kelly would never forget William. Not in a million years.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Nothing. That’s all Kelly had left. He didn’t let himself get depressed about it. He wasn’t distraught. He simply accepted the fact. Empty summer days and vague plans about going to college, his parents certain he would find himself there. Kelly didn’t want that, or anything else, and so he didn’t do much of anything. As surreal as it sometimes seemed, his story had come to an end.

  Bonnie still dragged him along to the gay youth group, feeling certain that love was the answer. He humored her, part of him even feeling optimistic as the chairs slowly filled each meeting. Today in particular brought a face he hadn’t expected to see, although it was hardly a new one. Jason Grant, shuffling along behind Emma just as he had the very first time. Of cour
se now everyone knew who he was and wanted to say hello again.

  Once he finally took his seat, he noticed Kelly across the room and quickly averted his eyes. Kelly didn’t return the favor. He wasn’t angry. Just curious. Was Jason here because he too was trying to move on? What happened to waiting for William? Had Jason thrown in the towel already? But as Keith’s lecture droned on, Jason didn’t check out any of the other guys. When it came time to pair up for another exercise, Jason looked hopefully at Emma, who abandoned him to be with Bonnie. Then he appeared downright miserable.

  Kelly pushed himself up and crossed the room, Jason noticing him halfway and reacting like a fox who had just seen the hunters and their hounds. Kelly didn’t even risk a smile on his way over, feeling he would spook him further.

  Around them, everyone was pairing up into couples, platonic or otherwise. According to the exercise rules, they were supposed to choose someone they didn’t know well, since today was about understanding an unfamiliar perspective. “Want to be partners?” he asked as he sat next to Jason. “Although I think I know where you’re coming from already.”

  “Do you?” Jason asked, still tense.

  “Yes. After all, we both loved the same man, and he left us to go become a hero or whatever. I’m guessing you still love him as much as I do.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  Kelly nodded and glanced over at him, noticing how his fists were balled defensively. “I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. William and me breaking up was the right thing to do. We didn’t make each other happy. All we did was fight. Did you two ever argue?”

  “Not really,” Jason said, “but then we weren’t together that long.”

  “The first time William and I met was an argument. That should have been a warning sign.”

  “I didn’t want you to get hurt,” Jason blurted out. “I’m not saying I didn’t think some evil thoughts about you, but I was only following my heart. Ideally you wouldn’t have been in the picture at all, if that makes sense.”