by London Casey
Ava nodded.
She started to cry again.
I started to cry with her.
I managed to get myself cleaned up by the time River appeared. He left his truck running and ran after me, scooping me up. His hands grabbed my face as he kissed me over and over.
“Fuck, darlin’,” he said.
“River, Axel took off,” I said. “He’s so angry.”
River looked at Ava, then at me. “Where did he go?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “He’s hurting bad.”
“Little Mikey’s,” River whispered.
“The bar?” I asked.
“Makes sense,” Ava said.
“Let’s go then,” I said.
“No. You go.” Ava wiped her eyes again. “I’m going home. I’ve seen enough.”
“What about…”
But I bit my tongue. It wasn’t my business. I could see the pain in Ava’s eyes. What had happened when they were younger was still bothering her. I could only hope that she would find some kind of peace.
“We have to get him,” River said. “Get him cornered and get him to calm the hell down a little. If he goes deep in a bottle he won’t stop. I’ve seen it a few times over his ex.”
I opened my mouth to tell River what Axel had said to me but I held back. It wasn’t about me. It was about Axel. Trying to get him to a safe place so he could grieve.
River had my car parked in the yard and said to just leave it. Before I knew it, he was opening the passenger door of his truck and pushing me inside. I didn’t want to come back to the house for my car and see it quiet and empty. Because that’s what it would be soon enough. Ava gone. All the medical personnel gone. Bethany gone. Maybe the only thing lingering would be her spirit, if you believed in that kind of stuff.
River peeled out to the road, the back tires of his truck screaming.
“Shit,” River said. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
“Neither can I,” I said. “He and his sister don’t seem to see eye-to-eye on things.”
“Yeah, I picked up on that a few times,” River said.
“He’s really angry and hurt,” I said. “I wish I would have been there…”
“You did your job,” River said.
“It’s just… everything around me, River. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Unless I’m with you.”
“Then be with me.”
“I can’t be with you all the time,” I said. “I’d love to. I feel like… death is always near me.”
“What?”
“Look what happened to Kyle,” I said. I saw River grit his teeth. “And then my job. And then the house.”
“The house?”
“In the storm,” I said. “The moment we touched, the house we first had each other in burns down.”
“Oh, Lacey, you can’t think of life like that,” River said.
“I don’t know what to think.”
I felt my body shaking. I wanted to burst into tears.
But first… we had to find Axel.
River opened the door to Little Mikey’s.
There were two people sitting in the corner of the bar, drinking and talking. Waving their hands, almost arguing over something to do with their jobs. But straight across at the opposite side of the bar sat Axel. His head was down, his hands wrapped around a beer bottle and a shot of whiskey.
River went racing toward him. I hung behind a little.
“Hey, River!” the guy behind the bar said. “You coming to join your buddy? Little early for drinking, huh?”
“Not now, Pecker,” River said.
Axel looked up. His face looked rough. Ever hear the words ugly cry? Axel looked like he was holding all that shit in and it did not look healthy or safe.
“Brother,” River said. “I am so sorry…”
Axel looked beyond River and right at me. “You. It was you.”
“Look at me, Axel,” River said.
“No,” he said and stood up. He threw the shot of whiskey back. He tossed the glass to the bar. “She did this to me.” He pointed right at me.
“Who did what?” River asked. “Lacey?”
“She wasn’t there,” Axel said. He was still looking at me. “Where the fuck were you? Huh? Taking off on a plane for a little while. Spending all your time in River’s bed? Where were you? You were supposed to take care of her.”
“Hey, easy, man,” River said.
He put a hand to Axel’s chest but he slapped it off and shoved him out of the way.
There was nothing protecting me from Axel and his wrath. He made it two steps, with fire in his eyes, when River came charging at him, shoulder tackling him to the bar. Barstools scratched the floor as they flew out of the way.
“Hey!” Pecker yelled from behind the bar.
“Don’t talk to her like that,” River growled.
He and Axel tangled up for a few seconds and then broke apart.
Axel looked like he was ready to swing, but just held his fist up.
“Axel, I did all I could,” I said. “I cared for her. I made her comfortable. You got to spend all that time with her. That’s what counts.”
“Fuck you,” Axel spat. His voice boomed through the bar. “Why didn’t you save her?”
“There was no… Axel… you knew…”
“That’s enough,” River said. “Lacey, you don’t have to explain yourself. You did nothing wrong. Axel, you need to man the fuck up here.”
Axel spun around from the bar and went almost nose-to-nose with River.
“No,” I said. I knew it was crazy, but I stepped in between them. “You cannot do this. Axel, I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m sorry if I let you down at all. You can be angry at me. You can blame me.”
“No, he can’t,” River said.
“Go fuck yourself, River,” Axel said.
“Stop this,” I said. I turned and faced River. I looked up at him. “Please,” I whispered. “His mother just died. Please.”
River stepped back and nodded. He showed his hands in defeat.
I turned and Axel was back at the bar, grabbing for his beer.
I felt like the room had calmed a little.
I was wrong.
Things were about to get worse.
Axel drank the beer in one big gulp and asked for another, plus another shot of whiskey.
“Don’t,” River said. “Pecker, don’t serve him right now.”
“Pecker, give me a fucking drink,” Axel said.
I reached for my bag and took out some money. “Here. I’ll buy you a beer.”
I put the money on the bar. Axel grabbed it and crumpled it up, then threw it to the floor and spat at it.
“That doesn’t make up for killing my mother,” Axel growled.
I sucked in a breath and my eyes filled with tears.
“Oh, fuck no,” River said.
“You heard me,” Axel said, looking at me. “You should have been doing your goddamn job instead of fucking my friend.”
That’s when a wire snapped inside me. That last piece holding everything together.
I grabbed a barstool and threw it to the floor. I jumped—literally jumped—at Axel. I had no idea what I was going to do, though. So, I scratched at him. I curled my fingers like I was a cat trying to attack a dog or something. I didn’t get his face but the side of his head. It was like colliding with a brick wall. I hit him, bounced back, and stumbled.
That’s when River got involved again, probably for the better, too.
He grabbed me and walked me back.
“Nice try,” Axel said.
“Darlin’, look at me,” River said.
I looked at him. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay. He’s out of control right now. You should go. Take my truck and go back to my place, okay?”
“What about you?”
“I’m going to talk him off the ledge.”
“Are you sure…”
“I’m sorr
y, darlin’, but let him figure this out. Without you here. This is not your fault, Lacey.”
“It is, though. He’s right. I wasn’t there.”
“You couldn’t do a thing,” River said. “Just go. Right now. Before things get worse.”
“What are you going to do?” I whispered.
“What I have to do,” River said.
“Give me a fucking drink!” Axel yelled. “I’ll come across that bar, Pecker. I’ll ring your fucking neck.”
“Go,” River ordered me.
He put the keys to his truck into my hand.
He kissed my cheek. “Stop trying to save everyone, Lacey. Stop carrying the past. Be in the present and be in my future.”
River turned and walked away from me.
I slipped out of the bar and got into River’s truck.
That’s when I burst into tears.
But the worst part?
That minute I spent crying instead of driving was about to put me in the crosshairs of an accident that would threaten my future.
River
PRESENT DAY
I promised myself I was going to calm Axel down with a beer and some words. But when he turned his head and looked at me, I knew there was only one way to do this. I swallowed hard and threw a right fist, smashing him in the jaw.
Axel flew to the left, knocking off the empty beer mug.
“Jesus!” Pecker yelled. “No!”
Axel grabbed his face and stood tall.
He came right at me, getting me with a good left hook. It felt like my face exploded. I stepped back, absorbing the punch, but Axel was there again with another one.
We ended up on a pool table, wrestling, rolling off the other side. I grabbed Axel by his shirt and threw him into the wall. All the pool sticks fell off the wall, one by one clanking to the floor. I held Axel against the wall.
There was a pause before he threw his head forward, starting the fight again. I fell back against the pool table, then lunged forward and threw a punch, hitting him in the stomach. I threw him toward the bar and went after him. Axel turned, hitting me with the back of his hand. I swore I lifted off my feet for a split second and then we stopped again.
I touched my cheek. “Did you just bitch slap me?”
Axel wiped blood from his nose. “What?”
“I’m sorry your mother died, Axel.”
Axel lowered his head. It started to gently bob.
The fight was over. The attack on Lacey was done. He was finally going to open up a little.
I walked to the bar and motioned for two beers.
Pecker moved quickly to pour us drinks and I gave one to Axel.
He looked at me, tears in his eyes.
“To her,” I whispered, lifting up my beer mug.
“To her,” Axel said.
We hit glasses and then started to drink. We worked our way over to the bar. My face and jaw were throbbing. Sometimes it was the only way to settle things. Boys will be boys and men will be men.
“Sorry about all that,” Axel said. “I shouldn’t have said what I said to Lacey.”
“You shouldn't have,” I said. “She just lost her mother, man. She’s torn up over so much shit. And you know what her job was. She’s not a fucking doctor. There was no saving…”
“I get it,” Axel said. “I get it. I’ll make it up to her, I promise. Okay?”
“Fair enough,” I said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
Then I said, “If you need help with anything, let me know. The services, with the house, all that stuff. Whatever you decide.”
“I just want to be here right now,” Axel said. “This moment. Not think about everything. It wasn’t easy growing up, man. My old man was vicious. It was almost a blessing when he croaked. I thought my mother would thrive then. But she didn’t. She missed him. All that abuse and shit and she still missed him. I always held that in tight.”
“I’m glad you’re getting it out,” I said.
“I always bottle things up. Ask my ex-wife.” Axel snorted. “Fuck.”
“Hey, just be here, right?” I asked. “Just be here.”
We finished the beer and I didn’t order another one. I wasn’t going to keep drinking. Axel could drown himself and then I’d find a way to get him home.
I called Pecker over to the back of the bar.
“He’s in rough shape,” Pecker said.
“Yeah. His mother died today.”
“Shit.”
“Listen,” I said. “He rode his motorcycle here. Lacey took my truck. I need to get his ass home and in bed soon.”
“You want my truck then,” Pecker said.
“Bingo.”
“You know, I’m a goddamn bartender. I don’t break up fights. I don’t do therapy. I’m not a rental car place.”
“You’re a friend,” I said. “And if you want Axel on the road right now…”
“Ah, fuck,” Pecker said.
He grabbed his keys and gave them to me. I walked back to the bar and ordered Axel one more shot.
“After this you need to ease up,” I said. “You’re going to need to face this and figure out what to do. I know your sister is taking off and I'm sorry about that, too.”
“I owe her an apology, too,” Axel said. “I just can’t stand when people act the way they do. Maybe that’s why I’m divorced.”
I laughed. “So, when I propose to Lacey, I shouldn’t ask you for marriage advice?”
Axel laughed. “Hell no, brother. I was a shitty husband. I think she was a shitty wife, too. Maybe not. I guess I’ll never know. Things were such a mess back then for me.”
“Life,” I said.
“Life,” Axel agreed.
He raised his glass and I made a fist and tapped it against the glass.
Outside the bar, the screeching of a fire truck and its engine roared by.
Inside the bar, it was quiet. The two guys across the bar were still sitting there, casually glancing at us.
I thought about starting something with them but I feared if Axel got into another fight it would end up really bad. He was calm. He was having a few drinks. I needed to harvest that and keep things under wraps.
“Hey, why don’t we bolt out of here?” I said to Axel. “I’ll cover the tab and we’ll get you home.”
“I rode my motorcycle here, brother.”
“And you can leave it here. Pecker will take a good look after it for you.”
“Fuck that.”
“Listen to me, Axel. You can do any dumb shit you want. But getting hammered and getting on a motorcycle? Not going to happen. I’m not letting…”
The cry of an ambulance siren rang out and I saw the flashes of red light for a split second as it sped by the bar.
I pointed to the window and nodded.
“I’m not letting you hurt yourself or someone else.”
It was sound advice.
Too bad it wasn’t said to the person that t-boned Lacey while she was driving my truck.
I got Axel out back and he stood there and looked around. He fumbled for a cigarette and lit it up. I was in no rush for anything, at least not yet. The more I could let Axel find a sense of normalcy, the better. No matter what, he would have to face his mother’s passing. He’d have to make arrangements and say goodbye. He’d have to sell her house. He’d have to figure it all out.
“Axel,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about your mother?”
He took a drag. “I don’t know. When I got divorced, I became this victim, almost, you know? It was like everyone looked at me and wondered what I was thinking. Or doing. If I was unhappy. I couldn’t just have a bad day, you know? I didn’t want that this time: everyone constantly asking me how she was doing. St. Skin is my home. My life. My church. The ink, the art, the people, and stories… man, that’s a religion to me. I don’t care how fucking stupid that sounds.”
“It’s not stupid, man. It’s the truth. I’m sure you only shared all the
stuff about your mother because of Lacey, but thank you for letting me in. I value that.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“And whatever you said to her that first time you met… thank you. She came right to my place. I can’t imagine my entire life without her. Ten years was long enough. The sting never went away.”
Axel held up his left hand. His cigarette was between his lips. He tapped his ring finger. “I get it, brother. Sometimes I still look for the ring. Like it’s resting on my finger or in my nightstand. It’s just who we are.”
“Let’s get you home. I’ll stop and hit a burger joint on the way. Stock you up on cheeseburgers and fries. You’re going to need it when you come down.”
“Fuck that,” Axel said. He flicked the cigarette to the gravel. The cigarette sparked like a firecracker. “I’m hardly drunk. The pain eats up the booze, man. I wish I could get good and drunk right now. Try to forget everything like right after my divorce, man. I would try and pick up anything. But on my end, nothing worked for a while. Grief and pain are fucking assholes.”
“Amen to that,” I said. “Let’s go, Axel. I’ll get you some cheeseburgers and fries…and then some beer.”
“Better just go for the whiskey,” he said.
“Whatever it takes to get you in the goddamn truck.”
“Let me just ride…”
My phone started to buzz in my pocket. I threw the middle finger to Axel and looked at the screen on the phone.
It was Tate calling.
“Hey,” I said. “Don’t worry. I’ve got Axel. Things are…”
“Where are you?” Tate cut me off.
“Little Mikey’s. Axel needed…”
“Hospital, brother. Get to the fucking hospital right now.”
“Hospital?” I asked, looking at Axel. “What’s going on?”
“You’re at Little Mikey’s? You must have heard the sirens, then.”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Shit, brother. Right at the intersection down from the shop. There was an accident.”
“What kind of accident?”
My brain scrambled to try to figure out what had happened that afternoon. I wasn’t putting the pieces together. And my life suddenly changed with one sentence.