Lost Ones

by Rute Canhoto

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Marina was exhausted when she took the final jump and fell on the bed with her arms wide open. It didn’t matter, it was a weariness of joy. She was happy and wanted to share it with someone, but whom? She thought of Ana. Soon she changed her mind, after all Ana was dating Dennis and he could comment on something with Joshua. Sure if he knew that she had spent the afternoon with Lucas, he would cease to speak to her. She decided that she wouldn’t tell anyone - it would be her secret.

  The radio announced the time, bringing Marina back to the here and now; she had to hurry or her mother would suspect something. She ran into the kitchen to take care of dinner first. She grabbed the ingredients, threw them all into a pan and put it on the hob. She returned to her bedroom and hastened to take off her clothes, which were green from laying around on the grass, and put on her pajamas. Next, she went to the bathroom to grab the laundry basket and took it with her to the washing machine. Marina separated everything into two piles: one with white clothes and the other with darks. She put the first pile in the machine and set it to rinse, leaving the rest nearby to wash later. Only then she sat on the sofa and turned on the television to see what was on. If she was tired before, now she was exhausted. What a run!

  Marina was lost in wonderful thoughts about that afternoon when her mother arrived. As she didn’t hear her getting in, she let out a shriek when she noticed her standing before her. Mom laughed at her comic reaction and went into the bedroom to change clothes. While Luísa was changing, Marina went to arrange the table. Then she sat and waited for mom to join her, which happened within a few seconds.

  “Did you start the washing machine now?” asked her mother, finding it strange.

  Marina assented. Usually, they washed clothes in the morning so that they could dry throughout the day. Now, it was late and the clothes would be wet all night. Anyway, it was what had to be done so that her mother wouldn’t figure out what state she had gotten home in. In fact, she didn’t want her to imagine she had gone out, in order to avoid the inquisition questions.

  While serving herself, the girl replied, “Yes, I put in a wash a while ago. The pile kept growing bigger and bigger. Don’t worry, because as it stops I’ll hang the washing.”

  “Okay, but don’t forget it.”

  Given her mother's ability to notice little things, Marina gave up on the second part of her plan. Instead of doing it that night, she would put the remaining clothes - which included her gym pants all dirty with grass - to wash the next morning, as soon as she jumped out of the bed.

  It was still early to go to bed, therefore, after supper, Marina decided to sit on the bed with her personal computer on her lap. She would navigate the Internet for a while. She checked her email box and changed her status on a social network from ‘depressed’ to ‘happy’. Lucas was responsible for that welcome transition. Things with him weren’t as inflamed as with Joshua, but he still touched deep down within her. Joshua was beautiful and knew how to exert his charms, appealing to lust. Lucas wasn’t like him. With Lucas, things flowed naturally, occurring when they had to happen. Their relationship evolved as time went on: they had started by not getting along at all, until they began talking to each other and he showed his true self, which was very promising. Despite this, a tinkle in a secret hideout in her soul continued to demand her to see what she had in front of her - there was something wrong with Lucas. It didn’t matter one iota. She just wanted to be swallowed by the ecstasy, and if it implied her discernment to be overcast, then she didn’t care.

  It was midnight when she yawned sleepily. It was time to meet the dream world. Smiling, she picked up her phone and wrote her first message to Lucas: ‘I'm going to sleep. Are you OK? See you tomorrow! Kisses.’ She wanted to write something more thoughtful, but she feared that he would think that she was trying to become his owner or something, so she opted for a simple and direct text. The response took a while, which left her a little restless. When it came, she read it and reread it three times. It said, ‘Sorry, I'm still getting used to writing on this. I'm fine. Again, thanks for the great afternoon. Sweet dreams, my light.’ His light? She was going to melt. It was great to have a response from Lucas. Mobile phones were the best buy she had ever made. Happy, she let herself be lulled by sleep.

  On Sunday, Marina woke up early. As she had nothing to do, she stood in bed. Suddenly, she sat. She had forgotten to start the machine to wash the rest of the clothes! She jumped out of bed swiftly, put on her slippers and went to the machine to turn it on. Luckily, her mother was still lying down, so she wouldn’t ask her questions about that action.

  After returning to her room, she went back to bed and turned on the television. She felt like having a day devoted to laziness, so why not have one? Curled up on the sheets and purred a little. The phone rang and pulled her out of the moment of drowsiness. Joshua had sent a message. ‘Hi! We have cinema afternoon. Ana is coming. We’re counting on you. Kisses,’ it said.

  “Interesting... He doesn’t even ask me what I want to do, he simply imposes his plans on me. It seems that I no longer have the right to a free will,” she claimed, pouting.

  Besides visiting her grandmother, Marina had no other plans than to drag herself to the living room sofa. Maybe watching a DVD at Joshua’s place wasn’t such a bad idea. Still, thinking of Dennis and Ana so sticky, made her feel uneasy. Later she would see what to do about this issue when confronted with it. She rolled in bed and wrote to Joshua, ‘OK. After visiting my grandma, I’ll pass there, but only if the lovely couple behaves: too much honey makes me sick.’ Joshua didn’t take long to reply, ‘Lol! It’s impossible to control them! Don’t leave me alone with them, please.’ Marina felt bad for her when she realized that, if she skipped the program, Joshua would spend an embarrassing afternoon as chaperon. Fine, she would be there, although she could hear alarm bells buzzing through all her pores about that program. She answered, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone with the hot potato. See you soon’. Joshua responded with a smiley.

  After helping her mother cleaning the kitchen after lunch, Marina put on some jeans, a pink t-shirt and a brown jacket. She put on her sneakers and straightened her hair into a pony-tail.

  As mom needed to go shopping after visiting grandmother, they decided to make the journey by car. When they got to the nursing home, they took the elevator up to the first floor and they went directly to the grandmother's room. They found her in the usual state. Her condition was virtually always the same, although both in Autumn and Spring - the so-called middle seasons - she tended to worsen.

  When they left the retirement home, it was almost 4p.m. They got into the car and drove the main avenue to Joshua’s house.

  As Marina was leaving the vehicle, her mother asked, “Do you need me to come get you later? The weather isn’t very good, and soon may rain.”

  “Don’t worry. If it’s raining, I’ll ask Ana’s mother to drop me home. See you later!”

  Marina watched the car moving. When it disappeared in the horizon, she rang the bell and Joshua’s voice sounded through the intercom, asking her to come up. Marina climbed the stairs to the first floor and found the door open. When she entered, she saw Ana and Dennis sat on the carpet in the living room, laughing out loud, while Joshua was preparing a huge bowl of popcorn. Marina greeted everyone, but only Joshua returned the greeting, adding a hand signal that the cheerful couple was lost in Paradise. Nice, she grunted inside while settling on one of the benches around the table.

  She joined her hands on the tabletop and commented, “So, movies... What are we going to watch?”

  “The latest on the ‘Saw’ series. My brother loves Jigsaw. He’s a major fan of horror stories that are simply disgusting.”

  Marina made a wry grin. She hated that movie saga, since the scenes were sickening. It was better to keep that to herself. At least it wasn’t a romantic and lame film.

  The microwave bell rang. Joshua took the popcorn from it and filled a huge bowl. He m
ade her a sign to join them on the living room floor and so she did. Arriving near the couch, Marina faced the first trap: the brothers were sitting in the center, next to each another, which meant that the girls had to sit at the extremities. Obviously, Ana was already sitting next to Dennis, forcing her to stay next to Joshua. With no much of a choice, Marina settled close to Joshua, who was busy selecting the options for the subtitles. Moments later, the movie began.

  The TV screen flickered while the movie scenes appeared. The first one started with a man cutting steaks from himself and a woman sawing her own arm. Argh! Marina shut one eye and then opened it. Next she closed the other one, repeating the gesture. Nope, not even that way did things seemed to improve. It’s going to be a long hour, she thought.

  The popcorn bowl was passed by Dennis to Marina, who was now responsible for holding it. Sometimes, when she took some popcorn, she felt Joshua’s hand brushing hers; she chose to ignore the touches, classifying them as innocent, after all they were eating from the same container. There was silence in the film and, all of a sudden, a burly, creepy guy holding a chainsaw came on the scene, making Marina let out a little scream of apprehension. Joshua giggled and put an arm over her shoulder, in a protective gesture. If they were still at the beginning of the film, she would have pushed him away. However, it felt good to be able to hide her face in his chest when the scary stuff came up. Neither Dennis nor Ana noticed anything, for they were too busy flirting, which made Marina think why were they watching that movie, that was supposed to be Dennis’ favorite, if he was too occupied doing other things? It was better to see something that was really worthy.

  It was with relief that Marina saw the generic of the movie running. The nightmare was over at last. Joshua got up, removed the DVD from the player and put it back on its case. Marina also stood up and went to put the bowl of popcorn on the table.

  Dennis asked them, “Sorry, but would you mind leaving us here alone for a while? Don’t get us wrong, it’s just that... you know.”

  Joshua responded in a dry tone, “Actually it doesn’t sound good to me. If you want to flirt, you go to your bedroom. You’ll have more privacy there.”

  Dennis smirked and pointed out, “If I go to my room with Ana and mom arrives, she will be suspicious about what’s going on. On the other hand, you still didn’t finish your shelves. You told mom that you would do it when Marina came here, so she won’t lose her mind if she finds you there. Cappice?”

  Marina had no desire to go to Joshua’s room. And arrange the shelves? She wasn’t in the mood to hear the CD’s offered by his ex-girlfriend. Ana looked at her with lost puppy eyes, forcing her to surrender. Frustrated, Marina retorted, “Fine! You have 15 minutes and then I'm leaving. And Joshua, don’t you dare play those CD's that we know of.”

  The boy shook his head, uncomfortable about that reference, while Ana and Dennis wondered what she could be talking about.

  Resigned, Marina walked to the bedroom followed by Joshua. She opened the door and entered without ceremony. The shelves remained empty. After the misunderstanding the other day, Joshua hadn’t finished the task, nor indeed had begun. Men… Always leaving the work they didn’t like for others. Irritated, she turned the boxes on the bed and began to separate the items, while Joshua watched her, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. Did he really have the cheek? She would not do the job for him.

  Marina placed her hands on her hips and, challenging, demanded, “Are you watching or helping?”

  Joshua seemed to awaken from some wonderful dream he was having, took his hands from his pockets and stood beside her to choose the material. He grabbed three CD's and asked her, “Do you have a CD you want to hear?”

  Marina wrinkled her nose. Those were his CD's. He had heard them at some point in life that had been marked by them. Listening to them was to evoke memories and she didn’t feel like hearing speeches about ex-girlfriends and other achievements. Not that she was jealous or anything; she just didn’t want to talk of such delicate matters. In answer to his question, she went to the stereo and tuned in to Cidade FM

  “Radio?” commented Joshua by way of question.

  “Yes, radio. Your CD's contain remnants of your past in superabundance. Maybe it's time for you to create new memories with a more updated soundtrack, don’t you think so?”

  Joshua absorbed the idea and agreed as she stared at the material spread on the blue bedspread.

  She reflected a bit and quizzed, “What do you think of settling this by categories? For example, regarding books we start by novels, then fiction, next the police stories... Something like that, just to put a certain logical order on things.”

  “Fine by me. So, do we begin with the books?”

  “No, books are too heavy. It’s better to start with the CDs, which will be on the top shelf. Then we move on to DVDs and finally to books,” elucidated Marina.

  “Okay, boss,” Joshua replied, smiling and greeting her with a two-finger salute like a boy scout.

  A couple of days ago, she would have found that smile too tempting. However, if she ever thought he could be right when he said that their relationship could move in another direction, life had taken charge to show her that the correct choice was for them to be just friends. Joshua was... everything. Nice, intelligent, dead gorgeous, generous... the adjectives to describe him didn’t run over. She found herself with her eyes pinned on him, and imagined what things would be like if he was right. Probably they would go to school together and would sit at the same desk. They would exchange hot kisses in the hallways at the recesses, and maybe he would have lunch in school just to spend more time together. When classes ended, some days they’d go to his place and on another he would escort her home. They would take an eternity in each other's arms to say goodbye, without wanting to let go. He would always be there for her, would keep her spirits high, and would do anything for her to be happy - within her, she had no doubt about that. Even without believing in the supposed love at first sight that Joshua had told her about, she couldn’t deny that she felt a great affection from him. Her heart responded to her thoughts and accelerated, making her body temperature increase exponentially till her face blushed.

  Noticing that Marina was still, Joshua stopped what he was doing and looked at her. The radio began to play a romantic melody. Carried by the slow rhythm, the boy stood up and pulled her to him. In an automatic gesture, Marina got up and they started dancing together. Enveloped by the harmony, it was as if they were no longer in the bedroom, but high above the clouds. The romantic lyric seemed to adapt to them in perfection, which reinforced the charm of the moment. She was mesmerized. For Joshua, it was as if a door had opened a little, giving him the chance to approach her and prove to her that, although she denied it, he was part of her heart. Perhaps her heart divided, but he would fight for it.

  The music seemed to take forever. Marina, however, felt good, comforted by the warmth of Joshua’s body, so she didn’t care one bit.

  When the melody was about to end, Joshua whispered in her ear, “You didn’t give me the opportunity to explain myself. Yesterday, when I said I had won the night, I wasn’t referring to Joana’s kiss, but to your reaction. I liked that you stood up for what’s yours.” He held her chin, forcing her to face him. He stared at her with intensity and asked, “You know I'm yours, don’t you?”

  Goodness! How could she hear him say that and remain uninterested? She wanted to be, and moments ago she would have been. Heck! How did she let herself get involved to this point? Marina felt him approaching more and more, till his lips rubbed very close to hers. The doubt wavered in her spirit - would she like him to go the rest of the way? Probably, but she couldn’t do it.

  The ballad finished and a dance music rhythm replaced it, as a gong marking the end of an auspicious period. The change of pace broke the spell that held them together, but Marina didn’t want everything to stop abruptly. Instead, she diverted her face from his and curled up in his chest, ho
lding him in a strong hug. They remained like that until near the end of the song. At long last, she released him slowly and walked away, sitting once more on the bed, without facing him.

  Making a big effort not to reveal the flickering of her voice, she said, “Let's get this shelf done? Soon your mother will start to wonder why it isn’t ready yet.”

  Joshua still felt overwhelmed, nevertheless he managed to laugh. He settled beside her and replied, “You're right. Let’s get to work!”

  Marina covertly took a few deep breaths in an attempt to regain control of herself. What was happening to her? Was she becoming a slut or something? Well, she wasn’t kissing every boy she found, but there were two who teased her. Hmm, what? Two? Marina surprised herself. It was the first time she acknowledged to herself that she wasn’t indifferent to Joshua at all. And then there was Lucas... Remembering his smiley face the previous day made her heart hurt. She wouldn’t think about that any more. She shook her head, refusing to confront the reason with her heart at that time; it would have to wait till later. In fact, she didn’t have to decide right away to whom to surrender. She could see how things went and only much later decide herself. She only hoped to reach a conclusion before it was too late. Satisfied with the decision she had just taken, Marina focused on the task at hand. She separated everything into categories with Joshua’s help, and put all the stuff on the respective shelves.

  They were finishing getting the books on their shelf, when Joshua's mother knocked on the bedroom door and asked permission to enter. When she walked in, she nodded in approval to what they had done. “Well done! The shelf is very cool.”

  “It's all arranged in categories, Marina’s suggestion,” advanced Joshua.

  “Yes, ma'am. I’m proud of your teamwork. However, and I’m sorry to interrupt you, but Ana’s mother has arrived. She’s asking if you want a ride home.”

  “Yes, I do,” hastened Marina to reply. It was an excellent opportunity to get out of there and escape Joshua’s influence. She put the last books on the shelf, while Joshua's mother went to communicate her response to Ana’s mom.

  Before Marina left the room, Joshua pulled her to him and hugged her again. “Thanks for coming by and for helping me to fix this.”

  “Sure. I really have to go now,” she said as she walked away gracefully, with a shy smile on her face.

  After the formal farewells, Ana’s mother and the two girls went to the Jeep. A minute later, they stopped at Marina’s door to leave her there. She thanked them for the ride and told her friend, “See you tomorrow.” She waved as the Jeep pulled away, leaving her alone.

  Marina didn’t feel like entering home, since she feared that her mother would assault her with questions. And she was so confused! Feeling completely lost, she went down the arcade stairs, crossed the road and sat on the river’s railing, staring at the skate park that looked like a black silhouette at dusk. She thought about Lucas. She knew he was very important to her, but she had to be fair and recognize that Joshua was trying to deserve her attention and was approaching her in a very effective way. She felt like crying. How had she been so stupid and had let herself be influenced by two guys? Her, who had well-defined plans that left no room for something so hard as infatuation or love. That was a real trap from Destiny that persisted on playing her. Cruel destiny… She passed a hand over her face to compose herself, took a deep breath and went home.

  Her mother, who was in the kitchen, called her as soon as she heard her coming, leading Marina to conclude that she couldn’t escape the interrogation. She addressed her a few less sympathetic thoughts.

  Mom's eyebrows arched in surprise to see the expression Marina wore. Instinct told her that something had happened. However, and knowing her daughter as she knew, she knew that she would get upset if she asked her what happened. She had to do things with some tact to get where she wanted. “So, how was the movie afternoon?” she inquired.

  Marina flopped down on the sofa, apparently fatigued. The truth was she felt such a heavy burden on her chest that she seemed to have difficulty moving around, and got tired easily. Noting that mom was still waiting for an answer, she said, “The movie was a disgrace! It was a saga I hate, in which people spent their time being killed in various disgusting ways. Argh! I still have my stomach churning with nausea.”

  By the way Marina spoke of the film, it seemed a hideous thing, which might explain in part her look. But there was something else, Luísa was sure. Maybe the right time had come to have ‘that’ conversation of mother and daughter.

  With patience, mom added, “And the movie just ended now?”

  Marina’s tolerance was getting shorter, so she sighed and explained, “No. I still helped Joshua to get the rest of his stuff on the shelves, the ones we had started to fix the other day. We even separated the material by categories, can you believe it? Then Ana’s mother came and she gave me a ride home.”

  “Really? I didn’t heard the Jeep coming...”

  Yep, the Jeep had been there, but about twenty minutes ago; therefore, the expected snore of the engine didn’t echoed when she came in.

  Her mother wiped her hands on a cloth and sat beside her on the couch. After scratching her forehead, she started, “Marina, I know I'm your mother and there are issues you prefer to talk about with another person, like your friend Ana. But I am here and I’m always available to listen to you.”

  Oh, no! Please, no, she begged in her mind. That was an issue of hers; she didn’t want to tell her mother that she felt torn between a guy who dealt with evil forces, and another who was gorgeous and loved to make her dance. It was too much. She got up from the sofa in haste, leaving her mother a bit sad.

  Seeing her mother distraught, Marina felt a little guilty, so she returned and shot without thinking twice, “Can you tell me how I decide between two boys?”

  Her mother was stunned by those unexpected words, nonetheless she hurried to disguise it. It was what she feared - a conversation about boys. She motioned to Marina to sit and the girl obeyed. She straightened up on the couch, thought a little and cleared her throat. “It's a tricky question with no easy answer”, she noted. “If you feel divided, you can weigh the pros and cons of the relationship with each one. If perchance you feel that the relationship with one could be the right one, but you still feel divided because of the other, you should rethink your decision. The most important thing is to give it time and not to rush”.

  “What if I take too long to make up my mind and they decide to continue their lives, leaving me behind?” asked Marina a little worried.

  “If any of them really care about you, he will wait. If not, there’s plenty of fish in the sea! Life doesn’t end just because of that.”

  Marina thought that her mother had told her just what she needed to hear. In basic terms, she had reinforced her decision to be alone, think better, and see how things went and the path they took.

  “OK. So what are we having for dinner?” Marina questioned all of a sudden.

  The abrupt change of subject puzzled mom, who felt simultaneously relieved and jumbled. Teenagers… In a clumsy tone, she stammered, “To-today we have soup for dinner. I'll also put two garlic baguettes in the oven to eat later.”

  “Okay. While you’re doing so, I’m going to put on my pajamas. I’ll be back soon.”

  Marina went to the bathroom and a great shower. Next, she put on her pajamas and brushed her hair vigorously to undo all the knots. Almost an hour later, she dinned with her mother, at the same time she watched the news on TV.

  The bath, enhanced with dinner, had done wonders for Marina. It was as if the curtain that gloomed her reasoning stopped being stirred by the emotional wind and allowed her to rest. More relaxed, she decided to prepare the rucksack for the next day. As she was about to do it, her phone vibrated with a text from Joshua. ‘Wanna go to school together tomorrow?’ he asked. Given the decision she had taken, she replied, ‘Thanks, but no. Please don’t get upset, okay? Sleep well.’
Surely he would get grumpy, still that was her decision and she would remain loyal to it… for the moment.

  With the rucksack packed up and the clothes for the next day chosen, she lay down and turned on the television. The phone vibrated once more, indicating that she had received a text that she quickly associated to Joshua. It was probably the answer to the one she had sent before and that made him step back. However, when she looked at the display, she was startled - it was Lucas. He said, ‘The day is darker without you. I missed the light of your smile today... See you tomorrow. Sweet dreams’. If she had received this the day before, she would have been super happy, nevertheless guilt was the only feeling that harassed her. She felt that she had betrayed him for having once more danced in Joshua’s arms. He, who was like a chest closed to the world, holding a treasure of unimaginable wealth, had opened just for her. And how did she pay him back? With doubts. Marina wanted to answer him, but she didn’t quite know what to write, so opted to turn off the phone – she was not available to anyone. Unplugged the TV and wallowed in the darkness until she fell asleep.