by Rhoda Baxter
‘Hi.’ She looked pale and tired in the dim light from the bar. ‘I’ve ordered you a pint. I guessed what you’d have.’
‘You guessed right.’ He reached over and picked up a couple of the drinks, leaving her to pay the barman. ‘So, how come you’re here? Where’s his lordship?’
‘Swimming training.’ Beth picked up the remaining drinks. ‘Actually,’ she said, dropping her voice. ‘I’m here because Lara didn’t want to go straight back home.’
‘Oh, okay. How’s she doing?’
Beth shrugged. ‘She’s determined not to have Chris back. But I think she’s lonely.’
He nodded. ‘Understandable.’ He followed her into the nook where Lara was talking to Vik. They looked up when Beth arrived with the drinks and both looked relieved. Hibs smiled. It always took Vik a few drinks to unwind properly. ‘Hello, beautiful lady,’ Hibs said to Lara as he slipped into the seat next to her.
‘How are you?’ He tried hard not to do the concerned voice. He’d heard that the concerned voice only made things worse. He did his best to sound merely interested instead.
‘I’m good, thanks.’ She looked older, he thought, but still perfectly groomed. At least her anally retentive tidiness was back. That much was normal.
‘Coping?’ He leaned forward.
She nodded. ‘Yes. One miserable day at a time.’ She smiled and patted his hand. ‘Thanks for asking.’
‘Ah, what are friends for.’ He picked up a cardboard beer mat and started twirling it on its edge.
Across from him, Beth picked up her pint, took a sip and closed her eyes to savour it. ‘I haven’t had a pint in ages,’ she said, as she opened her eyes.
‘Why not?’ said Hibs.
Beth avoided eye contact and mumbled something about Gordon.
‘What? He gets to dictate what you can drink now, does he?’ He stopped twirling the table mat. He wasn’t sure what angered him more. Gordon for being so controlling. Or Beth for letting him.
Beth looked up. ‘Don’t start. Please. I just want to have a quiet drink, okay?’
Hibs glanced at Lara, who was watching Beth carefully. She caught his eye and gave a tiny shrug.
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Sorry.’
There was silence around the table for a moment. Beth looked so small and sad that Hibs wanted to rush round and put his arm around her. He stared at his pint disconsolately.
‘So, Vik,’ said Beth. ‘What happened with the latest woman your aunt set you up with?’
‘She thought I was goofy,’ Vik said, frowning. ‘You guys don’t think I’m goofy, do you?’
There was the slightest pause before Beth said, ‘Of course not. You’re not goofy. You’re adorable.’
Vik looked crestfallen. Hibs drew a breath through his teeth.
‘Adorable?’ said Hibs. ‘That’s the worst thing you can say to a guy.’
‘That’s worse than goofy,’ Vik said. ‘Now I wish I was just goofy.’
Beth looked from one to the other. ‘What are you on about?’
‘Adorable. And cute. And sweet. All that means that he’s pretty much unshaggable,’ said Hibs. ‘I thought everyone knew that.’
Vik nodded. ‘Yeah. Nice guys don’t get laid.’
There was a pause and the two women looked at each other.
‘I’m not sure that’s strictly true,’ said Lara.
‘Hibs is a nice guy,’ Beth pointed out. ‘He gets laid.’
‘I’m not a nice guy.’ Oh no. He wasn’t going to be painted into the ‘adorable’ corner. Beth was out of bounds for now, but if he ended up labelled ‘nice’ there was absolutely no chance of her seeing him as anything other than a friend.
‘You are.’
‘No I’m not. I’m a commitment-shy, good-for-nothing bastard.’
Lara leaned forward. ‘Have you ever cheated on anyone?’
‘I’ve never been with anyone long enough to cheat on them,’ said Hibs. ‘Which brings us nicely back to commitment-shy, good-for-nothing bastard.’
Lara shook her head. ‘You never promised to be faithful,’ she said. ‘You never said you’d stay with someone, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.’ Her voice cracked the tiniest bit.
Hibs wished he could go through the floor. He’d been so busy trying to raise his profile with Beth, that he’d forgotten how fragile Lara was at the moment. ‘Lara—’
Lara put a hand up to stop him. ‘No. You didn’t, did you? Which just makes you immature. Chris. Now he is a good-for-nothing bastard.’
Beth was glaring at Hibs and Vik was looking frantic. Hibs tried to think of something to say. Lara took a deep breath and let it out, slowly. When she looked up, her gaze was steady. ‘But, I have to admit. He does get laid. Apparently.’
‘Lara, I didn’t mean to—’ Hibs began.
‘It’s okay, Hibs. I need to get used to being with other people and not get upset at every little thing,’ said Lara. She held his gaze. ‘Relax. I’m okay.’
He sensed the battle inside her: she wanted to conquer the pain. He had to respect that. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Just for you, I’ll admit to being nice.’
She smiled, an unconvincing, wobbly-at-the-edges smile, and everyone round the table relaxed a bit.
‘But I’m not adorable,’ Hibs added.
Beth gave a nervous laugh. ‘You wish,’ she said.
Hibs looked up and was about to challenge her when a timer beeped.
‘Oh.’ Beth dug her phone out of her pocket and turned the alarm off. She took a large gulp of her drink. ‘I’d better head back.’
‘Why?’ said Hibs. ‘You don’t have to do a reading for another two hours.’
‘Gordon will be finishing training about now. I want to get back to the lab before he twigs that I’m not there.’ She took another glug of her drink and stood up. ‘I’ll see you guys later, okay.’
Vik scrambled to his feet. ‘I’ll walk with you.’
‘What? You’re deserting us too?’ Hibs wasn’t really surprised. Lara’s outburst had been uncomfortable for them all. Vik didn’t deal with that sort of thing very well.
‘I’ll see you later,’ Beth said to Lara. ‘I’m sorry to rush off, but … well, Gordon would be upset if he thought I’d lied to him.’
Lara waved. ‘Don’t worry. I’m sure Hibs will keep me company for a bit. Won’t you, Hibs?’ She nudged him.
‘Yeah. What with me being Mr Nice,’ he muttered.
Beth smiled and she and Vik left.
Hibs stared at the door for a few moments after she’d gone. ‘I don’t get it. Why does she let him do that to her?’
He turned back to find Lara watching him, looking at his hand. He followed her gaze down and saw a beer mat was crushed in his fist. He opened his hand and tried to smooth the twisted cardboard down but it wouldn’t go back to its flat shape. He looked back up, to find Lara still watching him.
‘How long have you felt like that … about Beth?’ she asked softly.
He continued to smooth down the beer mat. He could lie to Lara, he wanted to talk to someone and he sure as hell couldn’t tell Beth. ‘I don’t know. It crept up on me a bit.’
Lara was leaning on her forearms. ‘She doesn’t know, does she?’
He shook his head. ‘She’s with Gordon.’ He grabbed an edge of the beer mat and started to tear it. ‘And he treats her so badly, Lara. Why does she let him do that to her? She’s bright, she’s pretty, she’s outgoing. Why does she let him treat her like dirt? He keeps telling her she’s rubbish and she still loves him. How does that work?’
Lara sighed. ‘I don’t know. I’ve tried to tell her, but she just doesn’t see it.’
‘What can we do to make her understand that he’s ruining her self-confidence
?’
‘I don’t think there’s anything we can do.’ Lara shook her head. ‘She has to figure it out for herself.’
Hibs snorted. ‘She’s clearly not going to do that.’ He picked up his pint. ‘He controls what she can and can’t drink for fuck’s sake.’
Lara nodded. They sat side by side, staring into space for a moment.
‘Hibs,’ said Lara. ‘If you’ve liked Beth for so long, how come you haven’t told her?’
He took another sip from his drink. ‘She’s with Gordon,’ he repeated.
‘But they broke up for six months. You could have said something then.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘It’s not like you have any problem asking girls out.’
Hibs laughed. ‘I haven’t actually asked a girl out since I was about eighteen.’
‘But—’
‘They come to me. Honestly. I’m not bragging or anything. I really haven’t asked a girl out in over a decade. I just show them I’m interested and the rest … just happens.’
‘Really?’ She looked him up and down. ‘Huh.’
‘Thanks.’
She smiled. ‘So, are you going to tell her?’
‘I told you. She’s with Gordon.’
‘Maybe she’s with him because she doesn’t realise there’s an alternative. You could give her someone to run to.’
He hadn’t thought of it that way. ‘I guess.’ But what if she wasn’t interested? All he’d have done is scare her away and remove another friend that she could have gone to for help.
‘Or are you too scared that she’ll turn you down?’ said Lara.
He was about to deny it when Lara carried on. ‘Sometimes, you have to take a risk,’ she said, looking at her wedding ring. ‘Even when the outcome isn’t what you hoped. You have to find out.’ She looked up, her eyes full of tears. ‘Because, ultimately, it’s better to know. One way or the other.’ She wiped the tears away with a finger.
He wasn’t sure what to do. It didn’t seem right to hug her. She wasn’t that close a friend and he certainly didn’t want her to think he was hitting on her. He dug a wad of blue tissue out of his pocket and handed it to her. ‘It’s clean.’
She took it and blew her nose and tucked the tissue into her jeans pocket.
‘For what it’s worth,’ said Hibs, ‘I think it’s very brave, what you did. And I think sticking to your decision is even braver. It must be hard.’
‘It is. But it was the right thing.’ Lara sighed. ‘My grandmother used to say, “If you want to find out how strong you are, you have to let yourself be vulnerable.”’
‘She sounds like a wise lady.’
They both picked up their drinks in silence.
‘You know, Hibs,’ Lara said, ‘despite what you said earlier, you really are one of the nice guys.’
He grinned. ‘I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.’
Chapter Nineteen
The lab phone rang – everyone ignored it, hoping someone else would get it. Finally Beth gave in and put down her pipette. ‘Fine. I’ll get it. Again.’ She tossed her gloves in the bin and picked up the receiver.
‘Beth?’ Anna’s voice came down the phone. ‘We’ve got a problem.’
‘Aren’t you supposed to say, “Houston we have a problem?”’
‘What?’ There was a puzzled pause. ‘Anyway, not important. We have a serious fucking problem. Dan Blackwood’s pulled out of the calendar.’
‘What? When? Why?’
‘He sent an e-mail. His wife objected, apparently. Although I’m suspicious. If his wife had objections, why didn’t she say something before? Why now?’
‘Oh. Shit.’ It was as though someone had tipped water over her. She had been really proud of that calendar. It was the most satisfying thing she had done in ages and those photos were all hers. No one else had helped, or advised in any way. It was something that made her happy and powerful and now it might not come to anything. The thought made her want to cry. ‘We have to call Lara and tell her not to send the pictures to the printers.’
‘Already done that. I said I’d send them when we found a replacement. Beth, we need a Dr January. We haven’t got any backup choices. I’ve been trying to think of anyone we can ask and all I can come up with is Hibs.’
Beth glanced across the lab to where Hibs was scowling with concentration as he pipetted blue liquid into tiny little wells. ‘He’s already said no.’
‘Can you ask him again? He might agree if you ask.’ Anna gave a little laugh. ‘He’s certainly not going to do it for me.’
‘I don’t know …’ As she watched, Hibs stretched, moving his shoulders to get them out of the hunched position he’d been in for the past few minutes. She had a lovely photo of him that she could use. And she could do the interview bit easily. All she needed was for him to say yes. On the other hand, she’d already asked and he’d refused. He headed for the dry area, still rolling his wrists to stretch them.
‘Well, he’s pretty much all we’ve got at the moment,’ said Anna.
‘Maybe we can persuade Dan—’
‘Already tried that. No go.’
‘I’ll try,’ Beth said.
She hung up and walked slowly back to her bench. There was another option, of course. There was always Gordon. If she asked him, he’d be sure to agree. But none of the photos that she’d taken of him had the same presence that the photo of Hibs had. She was pleased with that photo: she’d captured Hibs perfectly.
Besides, asking Gordon looked like nepotism. The others would think he’d somehow engineered the whole thing to get into the calendar. It irritated her that they thought so little of him.
Beth sighed. If Hibs said no, she would ask Gordon. At least that way they’d know she’d tried to find someone else first.
Hibs sat down to check his e-mails. Beth was on the phone again. It was probably Gordon. Again. He had started calling Beth on the lab phone – probably another way for him to keep tabs on her. It was creepy how controlling that guy was. And Beth was sliding back to being the nervous wreck she had been when he last had his claws in her. Hibs rubbed the bridge of his nose. He wanted to help her, but she didn’t believe she even had a problem. He pulled up Google and typed in ‘symptoms emotional abuse’ like he’d done so many times before. A quick scan told him all he needed to know. Isolation from friends and support networks – check. Eroded self-esteem – check. Denial that abuser’s behaviour is wrong – check. Finding excuses to explain abuse – check. Delusion that she was in love with him? Check.
Hibs sighed. Gordon was systematically destroying Beth, but how could he make her see that? The helplines he’d spoken to had all emphasised the need to be gentle with her rather than risk pushing her away. He couldn’t help her until she admitted she had a problem.
He recognised the sound of her footsteps and was just about to close the browser when he had second thoughts. Maybe she would read it over his shoulder or something. She may not think it applied to her, but you never knew what her subconscious might pick up. He swivelled his chair round.
‘Beth. It’s Friday. You coming to the pub?’
She sat on the desk opposite him. She wasn’t even looking at his screen. Bugger. ‘Um … no. I have plans,’ she said.
‘With Gordon, no doubt.’ It came out sounding bitter. Get a grip, Hibbotson.
‘Hmm.’ She was staring at her feet. She looked up. ‘Hibs, I need your help.’
Hallelujah! She must have finally realised that Gordon was stifling her. Hibs leaned forward. ‘Sure. Anything. What’s up?’
‘Dan Blackwood’s pulled out of the calendar.’
That was not what he had been expecting. ‘I thought the whole calendar thing was finished with?’ he said, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.
‘It was, al
most. But Dan’s pulled out now and we’re a man short.’
‘Right.’ He could see what was coming and he really didn’t want to be in their calendar. The idea felt … weird. ‘Beth, we’ve had this conversation before. I don’t want to do it.’
‘I’ve got a really nice shot of you. Want me to show you?’ She logged into her computer.
‘No, because I’m not doing it.’
She turned to look at him. ‘Please?’ Her eyes looked huge and blue but he couldn’t help noticing how tired she looked. The extra work at night and whatever Gordon was making her do in between times were clearly taking their toll. Hibs felt his chest contract. He wanted to hold her. To tell he’d save her if only she’d let him.
‘Pretty please?’
But he still didn’t want to be in that calendar. There was no way he was going to let Beth and her friends put a goofy picture of him in his lab coat anywhere public.
‘No. Sorry.’
She turned back to the computer and pulled up his photo. Hibs was taken aback as a close-up of him filled the screen. Bloody hell. Were those crow’s feet by his eyes? When had they appeared? He leaned back and took another look at the image itself. It was a good photo. His face was framed so that it highlighted his cheekbones. If you didn’t look too closely, it was actually quite flattering. He looked all moody and mysterious. Not goofy in the slightest. ‘No,’ he said again, but he was less sure now.
Beth sighed. ‘I was afraid you’d say that.’ She shut the picture down and stood up to leave. ‘I guess I’ll have to ask Gordon.’
Wait. What? Gordon? There was no way he was going to let that narcissistic, bullying bastard get in instead. He wouldn’t be surprised if Gordon’s bullying of Beth was part of an attempt to make it into the calendar. ‘I’ll do it,’ he said.
Beth turned. ‘Really?’
He nodded. The relief on her face was enough to convince him he’d done the right thing. He smiled, glad that he had somehow made her world better.
‘What changed your mind?’
‘The photo,’ he said. ‘It’s really good. I didn’t think anyone could take a decent photo of me, but turns out you can.’