Aurora's Gold

by K. J. Gillenwater

The window had closed. A twinge of guilt. I took a deep, painful breath and closed my eyes as he walked away.

  *

  The next few hours were brutal. Ben did the early shift beneath the rippling water. I tended up top and spent too much time alone with my own head. I needed to keep my priorities straight. My main purpose was to keep the business afloat and take care of my father.

  As if on schedule my phone rang—the hospital.

  “Ms. Darling? This is Dr. Leskiv. I wanted to talk to you about scheduling your father’s surgery. We did some tests this morning, he’s doing quite well. The medication seems to be working. We think he’s strong enough for the rigors of the double bypass operation.”

  “I’m so glad to hear that. I’ve been working with the Patient Care Coordinator to arrange for a temporary living situation in Anchorage. I should be able to get down there in a few weeks once the season has ended up here.”

  “Ah, yes, your father mentioned that he owns a dredging operation. I couldn’t quite believe it when he told me his daughter was running the show in his absence. Can’t imagine that’s very easy.”

  My gaze shifted to the scene in front of me. Several dredges had followed my lead and anchored within 100 feet. Including the Rough & Ready, which I’d ignored as best I could. In the back of my mind I kept fuel levels, air pressure, the angle of the sluice and umpteen other facts stored away for use at a moment’s notice. I never realized how complex the whole operation could be until I had to take the entire load on my shoulders.

  “Well, he’s been prepping me for years.” My irritation rose over the doctor’s assumption I couldn’t handle the dredging on my own. What did it matter if I was a daughter or a son? But I let it pass. “So when will he be scheduled for the surgery?”

  “Thursday.”

  I looked at the wall calendar pinned to the plywood wall of the wheelhouse. In two days. “Oh, wow. Okay.” I thought about how much money I had in the bank and when the hospital might bill me for my father’s portion of the very expensive surgery. A knot formed in my stomach. “And after that how long will he be in the hospital?”

  “Probably four or five days. Your father arrived in pretty bad shape, but he’s a very strong man. There shouldn’t be any delays in his recovery.”

  “Okay, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fly down there to pick him up once he’s discharged.” I thought about setting up a flight. I didn’t have any back-up plan for my absence. No one else to pick up the slack if I couldn’t run the dredge.

  “He’ll need someone to stay with him for two to three weeks. Getting back his strength will take time, and he’ll need to take it easy. But you can discuss that with the Patient Care Coordinator. In-Home Health does a great job when family members can’t be there.”

  I made a mental note to find out the cost of in-home care and whether or not his limited health insurance would cover any of it. I took a deep breath to calm down. “Oh, great. Thanks so much. I’ll make sure to call the Coordinator this week to get it all figured out.”

  “If you’d like, I can have the switchboard connect you to your father’s room.”

  “Oh, yes, thanks.” I hadn’t prepared to talk to my father again. My palms grew sweaty.

  “Not a problem. It was good speaking to you, Ms. Darling. Everything should be just fine.”

  Before I could say anything else the line clicked several times.

  “Rory?” My father’s voice came across strong and clear. “Is that you?”

  “Dad, how’s it going?” I wanted to sound chipper and confident. Not worried at all. Especially didn’t want to bring up the topic of money. “I hear you’re going to have some surgery soon.”

  “Yeah, the doc just left about an hour ago. Looks like my ticker is strong enough to handle it.”

  “Great. Great.” Cool and relaxed, Rory. Cool and relaxed. “Hey, he told you about the recovery and all that?”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “You’re sounding a lot stronger than last night.”

  “A lot less drugged up, too.” My dad chuckled.

  I smiled. This was the father I knew, not the weak, confused man on the phone yesterday. “I found you a month-to-month studio arrangement. Furnished. It’ll only be for a few months, and then you can fly back home.”

  “You sure we can handle that?” His voice tightened with worry. “You doing all right with the dredge?”

  “We’ll be fine, Dad. Everything’s fine.” I didn’t want to confide in him the actual truth of the matter. I had had enough to pay a deposit and first months’ rent on the studio I’d found, but it had bottomed me out. Now I had to worry about possibly paying a nurse to stay with him for two weeks. The numbers kept climbing.

  “Good, good.”

  “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get down there once you’re discharged. I wanted to help you get settled, but with the season winding down…”

  “Oh, you don’t need to do that, Rory. I’ll be fine.”

  The doctor had described his post-surgical care and what would be required. I really need to find that in-home care quickly. “But I want to be there, Dad. It’s bad enough you’re there by yourself after what happened.”

  “Rory, the dredge is what matters. You need to keep that going. That’s what’s important right now.”

  “I don’t know.” It didn’t seem fair I had to choose between gold mining and my own father. “I think your health is more important than any dredge.”

  “Don’t you say that.” His sharp tone surprised me. “I’ve put everything into the business. Everything. You can’t let that slip away.”

  “I just meant that…” I’d offended him. I had to fix it. “To me your health will always be more important. Sorry if you don’t agree. But I love you, Dad. You know that, right?”

  “I love you too, honey.” He sighed. “You’re right, Rory. You’re right. I shouldn’t get so worked up.”

  “No, you shouldn’t. You can trust me. I got this. Everything’s going to be fine.” The pressure never seemed to let up. My dad had taken responsibility for me and found his way through financial hardships in the past. This time, it was my turn.

  “Thanks for all you’re doing. I’m really proud of you.”

  Those words filled me up and took away some of the worry. “I appreciate that, Dad. I’ll call you after the surgery, but know that you can call me any time if you need to talk. Your surgeon sounds very confident. I’m sure everything will be just fine.”

  As I hung up, I noticed the Rough & Ready had pulled anchor and was headed right for us. They’d moved too close and continued to close the gap even further.

  I picked up the handset. “Keep an eye out, Ben. We’ve got company coming.”

  “Roger.”

  I pointed my binoculars at the person standing at the wheel.

  Nate Frazier.

  “Shit.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I’d experienced my fair share of testosterone-laden miners act like two bull caribou clashing antlers over a herd of cows. Fist fights on the docks, spraying ice cold water, dredge crashes, wrestling over gold spots under the water. Most disagreements went no further than a lot of swearing and middle fingers. But a gal needed to be prepared for anything.

  The Rough & Ready quickly closed the distance between us.

  I picked up a Super Soaker water gun my dad had on hand for such encounters. Nobody liked getting doused with 42 degree water straight from the Bering Sea. With a range of about thirty feet, it was a close distance weapon.

  Nate turned Jerry’s dredge at the last minute, missing my hull by about three yards.

  I fired my weapon too early and missed. My stream of cold water landed too far aft.

  One of the divers in back yelled, “Go back to the kitchen.”

  Another pelted me with eggs and laughed.

  One hit me in the head. Raw egg white slid down my face. Another hit me in the stomach like a brick and then exploded on the deck.


  I corrected my aim, but egg dripped into my eyes, making it difficult.

  Ben appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the fire extinguisher we kept on deck, and let it rip.

  A white stream of chemical agent burst from the extinguisher and created a white cloud, which enveloped the divers. The Rough & Ready was too far away for a direct hit, but the cloud obstructed their view so that the egg bombing came to a halt.

  “Screw you,” Ben yelled. He dropped the empty extinguisher, picked up a sun-bleached flipper and chucked it at the fleeing watercraft.

  I wiped egg out of my eyes.

  Half a dozen eggs had landed on the deck.

  “You okay?” Ben asked. He picked a chunk of shell out of my hair.

  “I was going to handle it,” I snapped. “Why did you surface? I wanted you on the gold.” I moved the empty fire extinguisher out of the way.

  “Excuse me for wanting to help you out.” Ben picked up the bigger eggshell pieces from the deck and chucked them into the water.

  “It was nothing. Just some eggs.” I spooled out a few paper towels from a roll in the wheelhouse and wiped my face.

  “You’ve been pissed at me since I showed up this morning. What the hell is your problem?” he asked.

  I couldn’t face up to my feelings, so I ignored his question. “Time to head in. Wind’s picking up.” It wasn’t, but I couldn’t stand to be trapped on the dredge for one more minute. I needed to get away. Squash down any emotions I had and get things done. I owed it to my father. The egg attack had been humiliating. Nate knew me well. He’d never been comfortable with me on the dredge or my father’s interest in bringing me into the business. Since he didn’t succeed in scaring me away with physical intimidation, he’d hoped demeaning taunts would demoralize me and drive me away.

  “Sometimes, Rory, you need to trust someone and let them help. This idea that it’s you against the rest of the world? I’ve been there.” Ben cleaned up the decks, shut down the machines, and prepped for a clean out. “And it won’t get you anywhere but further away from what you really want.”

  I took a bottle of water and rinsed my egg-coated hair. I used my scratched reflection in the wheelhouse plexiglass window to pick out pieces of shell. I knew Ben watched me, and I worked hard to keep the tears at bay.

  I knew how to do this. I was a good diver. I’d tended other divers for years. It got my dander up that none of my fellow dredgers believed I could do the work without Buck here to help.

  *

  I headed toward the gas station to fill up the truck before I headed home. The sluice box had been quite empty, so we left the clean out for another day. I hoped I’d made it clear to Ben last night had been a fleeting mistake. I could take care of myself. I didn’t need him or anyone else solving my problems. I was 100% capable of taking over all the responsibility while my dad was recuperating. He’d done it alone for years, why couldn’t I?

  Mindlessly, I turned into the Bonanza Express and pulled next to an empty pump. An ATV took the opposite side.

  I picked up the pump handle and selected the gas grade. Then, I looked straight into the eyes of Benjamin Abel.

  Of all the goddamn luck.

  “So now you’re following me?” I scoffed. Annoyed I couldn’t put the day’s events behind me.

  Ben filled his ATV’s gas tank. “You wish.”

  The credit card processor wouldn’t accept my card. “Just go home wherever home is and let me do my own thing.” I pulled out a different one. “Is that too much to ask?”

  “I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to fill up at this particular gas station.” Ben grabbed some paper towels and wiped at some gas that had dribbled on the front fender. “Excuse me.”

  “There are other gas stations.” The machine beeped again. I snorted in frustration and grabbed a twenty of out my wallet.

  I passed between the pumps to pay inside.

  He grabbed my arm. “So why did you back off the other night?”

  I wanted to run away. “Because.”

  “Because isn’t an answer.” He loosened his grip. His fingers ran up my arm. “I know you felt something.”

  I willed myself to ignore his touch and the goosebumps he caused. “Because I knew it wouldn’t work.” I looked him straight in the eye. “You and me. You’re not my type.” Although I knew after other failed relationships, he was exactly the type I needed. Rugged, strong, a risk taker and gentle when he needed to be.

  “What have I done to make you think it wouldn’t work?” His ego damaged, his eyes shifted from blue to black.

  I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what I knew. I didn’t want to look like the bad guy. The Internet stalker who had dug up dirt online. It sounded so high school, so stupid. So I lied. “I still have feelings for Kyle.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I took a step back. His definitive comment had caught me off guard. “It’s true.” I could hear the weakness in my own voice. Weak and pathetic. I absolutely needed to squash any feelings I had for Ben. It would be insanity to move things further and expect anything but a disaster. I had enough going on in my life without making a bad romantic decision and ending up a pathetic repeat of Cindy Pomeroy. No way.

  “All right. If that’s how you want to play it. Fine. I’ll chalk it up to mixed signals. But you, lady, need to get your head examined. You’ve got some bigger problems than your daddy issues.”

  “Excuse me?” I cocked my head.

  “Look, I’m sorry your dad’s in the hospital. That sucks, but you are letting your whole life revolve around him. Have you ever thought about what you want? Where your life is going? If your father were gone tomorrow, would you still be on that rickety dredge pushing yourself so hard? Putting up with all the crap they give you? Is this really where you want to be? Just scraping by? Living hand to mouth? Hoping for the big discovery that never comes? Putting your heart and soul and life into something for someone else is insanity.”

  Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. “You might not believe it, but, yes, I would choose this life. I would if my father weren’t around anymore. It’s what I’m good at. It’s all I know. Do you think a woman can’t dredge? That I don’t have what it takes to succeed out on the water? Cause I’ll tell you what, Benjamin Abel, I sure as shit have what it takes. I know these waters as well as any other diver out there. You go ahead and ask.” I gestured at other trucks and drivers who had pulled into the station. I didn’t care who in Nome heard what I said. “They thought once I turned eighteen I’d go back to the Lower 48. Move back in with my sister. That I wouldn’t want to stick around this back water place. That I’d want malls and shopping and boyfriends. Well, I’m not my mother. I’m not. I’m Buck Darling’s daughter through and through. So shove that up your ass.” I pushed him back and headed inside to pay.

  A few gawking spectators stepped back to let me by.

  The tears flowed. I was sick of it all. Sick of Nome, sick of the people who surrounded me every day making me feel as if I couldn’t succeed, sick of the stress of not knowing how much money I’d have by the end of the week, month, year. Add Ben onto the pile. I was mad at myself for letting him in so easily. Why did I flit from Kyle right into Ben’s arms? Was I really that needy? Did I need a man to save me from myself, my bad choices, my life? Is that what I’d turned into? A carbon copy of my mother? A desperately needy woman who’d run off and disappeared without a word twelve years ago. Who left her family hurting and alone. Was that my destiny?

  “Rory, come back.” Ben shouted at me. He didn’t chase after me, I noticed. No, that wouldn’t be like him. “I’m sorry. Let’s talk.”

  I’d had enough talk for one night. Enough reflecting on my weaknesses. I pushed through the glass doors and stepped up to the counter to pay for my gas.

  I heard Ben’s ATV drive away, and a heaviness filled my chest.

  I wanted to make the dredging operation work. I’d been at my father’s side learning, watching, waiting for my chance to prove mysel
f worthy. And when my father truly needed me, I doubted it all. My skills, my feelings, the very core of who I thought I was. Rory Darling, daughter of Buck Darling, the best female dredger operator to ever work the Sound. I sighed. The only female dredge operator to ever work the Sound. What was I trying to prove?

  Ben had tapped into my deepest doubts and insecurities. I didn’t remember any man ever pegging me like he had. And it scared me. How was it that he saw through me so easily? My first instinct was to build a higher wall, not take it down.

  Maybe I needed to call off the dredging tomorrow. Get a break from Ben and get my head on straight.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  I parked my car in the usual spot near my apartment building. I didn’t want to fight with Ben. That had been the last thing on my mind. But he had a way of getting under my skin. Possibly because I cared what he thought about me. I’d been dismissed by people in Nome who thought of me as a ‘Daddy’s Girl’ who’d been spoiled by her father. Operating a dredge and commanding a team was physically draining, dangerous, and required a toughness that not many women cared to build in themselves. The few women out on the water typically tended boats for divers who were their boyfriends, husbands, fathers. They took the caregiver role rather than the risk taking role.

  When my father had put me on the dredge with his small crew, I’d been the entertainment. A go-fer who poured coffee and handed out sandwiches. The men saw me as plucky and a bit of an ugly duckling. My father had no idea what to do with a 12-year-old girl. He’d dressed me in army surplus gear and church bazaar rejects. But I didn’t care. I’d wanted to be close to my real father, the only real person I had left in my life.

  So I’d made it my mission at that tender age to make myself into the best damned girl dredger Nome had ever seen. I absorbed everything. I swallowed my fears when I’d first dived alone in the cold, dark waters. I’d wrestled the suction hose and not let my dad or anyone know how close I’d come to a breakdown at fifteen feet. I’d made it happen by sheer force of will. Even though Buck and Nate and other men who’d worked on his crew knew my capabilities, the truth didn’t get out past the dredge. I’d been okay with that for a while. I knew my dad believed in me, was proud of me, and that’s all I’d needed for a long time.