Unplugged: A Blue Phoenix Book

by Swallow, Lisa

  Cerys’s eyes widen, confusing me further. Didn’t she just say…? I don’t fucking understand women. I give her my heart and she tells me I don’t love her?

  I take a calming breath. “Cerys, I’m going. If you want me to stay away, I will. Sounds like you need to decide what you want. But don’t think I’ll let you go so easily.” The emotion surges inside and I’m desperate to grab Cerys and kiss her until she can’t breathe, to hold her and never let her go. The ferocity of my emotions around this woman and her little girl surprise me. I never realised how attached I was and how big a gap in my life there would be without them.

  But apparently, loving them is the problem.

  CHAPTER 30

  LIAM

  I’d cleared this week so I could spend time with Cerys and now I’m alone. I kick around my London flat for a couple of days, debating whether to go back to the States for a while. I want to take Cerys back there; I want to spoil them after the crap they’ve been through. Now the dickhead ex is making their life worse, and it appears because I’m not a dickhead, I’m too nice.

  Last time I met him I bit my tongue against saying a lot of what I thought of him. If I saw him again, things wouldn’t be pretty.

  Two days of sulking and Xbox later, I call Bryn after a couple of beers and ask what he’s up to.

  “Am I just the go-to guy for all your broken hearts?” he asks, and I know he’s half serious.

  “I don’t have a broken heart,” I snap and almost add ‘just a bruised one’.

  “So what’s happening? I haven’t heard from you since the night at Plan B, so something’s wrong.”

  Fuck it, I need a second opinion; and of all the guys, Bryn’s the one who won’t take the piss. “Am I too nice?”

  Bryn laughs loudly and instantly gets my back up. “Define ‘too nice’, Liam.”

  “Like, do you think I do too much for other people?”

  “Hmm. Does doing shit for people help you feel good about yourself?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And if, say, a girl took advantage of that and pushed you into marrying her, would you think that was being too nice?”

  Honey.

  “I guess.”

  “Doing things for other people isn’t what should make you feel good about yourself. You can still get rejected however much you do. Look at that chick from a few years ago.”

  Kate. My first attempt at a real relationship and after almost a year, out of the blue, she ends things saying I’m suffocating her. Am I doing that again? Shit.

  “Remember what you said to me after you ditched Honey on her wedding day?”

  “I don’t remember much about that day.”

  “Nah, didn’t think you would. This was later, when you were completely wasted.” He snickers again. “You said you wished you’d dumped Honey months ago but felt too guilty, so really your ‘being nice’ wasn’t very nice, was it?”

  “Yeah, I get that, Bryn, I’m not fucking stupid.”

  “You also talked about Cerys a lot and to be honest it worries me. I think you’re going down the same route here. You’ve already moved her into a house, yeah?”

  “This isn’t the same. Cerys isn’t demanding anything from me – she doesn’t get the shits every time I go away and she’s determined to look after herself.”

  “So what’s happened? Because something obviously has.”

  “I think I get it now,” I mutter. But I’m not saying. Cerys is right; I’m scared I’ll get things wrong. So I spend all my time trying to make things right for other people, that if I do, then I’m worth loving.

  “Want my honest opinion?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You fall in love too easily and too hard, and girls screw you over. Whatever you feel for Cerys saved you from getting really screwed over by the last girl. I don’t think Cerys is like the others, but be careful, man.”

  No, I need to be careful about scaring her off because Cerys is the opposite of Honey; this woman doesn’t want me to fix her. Cerys doesn’t want my money or a piece of my fame. She wants Liam Oliver. Which means she needs to understand that this situation is nothing like Honey and that she’s nothing like Honey.

  “End of counselling session?” asks Bryn, sarcasm edging into the concern.

  “Yeah.”

  “Thank fuck for that.” He pauses. “I thought you were Jem calling. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him for a couple of days.”

  “Shit. Is he okay?”

  “Think so. He’s with that chick from Ruby Riot; they’re probably holed up somewhere.”

  “Tricky, if he’s now thinking about becoming their manager, and he’s screwing her. You know Jem; it’ll end in disaster.”

  “That’s what worries me.”

  I’ve met Ruby a few times when I’ve been with Jem and the band. I can’t figure her out. She matches Jem on the ‘obnoxious metre’, and it’s funny to watch how he copes with her, but she has a lost look that’s uncomfortably like Liv.

  “Is Dylan back?” I ask.

  “He’s travelling with Sky again and keeping his head down.”

  “There you go; we’re not all being fucked around by women.”

  “You said you weren’t broken hearted, Liam.”

  “Doesn’t mean she’s not screwing with my feelings.”

  Bryn huffs down the phone. “I won’t be your agony aunt so if we go out, don’t whine on about it anymore. Please.”

  “I don’t fucking whine!”

  “No, but when you’re drunk, you do.”

  “Do you want to go out or not?”

  “Yeah, I’m bored. Time out from the band was a great idea, but six months... I don’t know what to do with myself.”

  “Travel, find yourself a chick. Jesus, Bryn, the world’s your fucking oyster.”

  “A chick? I’ve seen enough of the shit you guys get yourselves into. Steering clear, thanks.”

  Either Bryn has a really low sex drive or he’s hiding something. The last time I saw him with a groupie was over a year ago and he keeps his head down when they’re around. Not that any of us bothers with groupies much anymore. I’m ninety-nine percent sure he isn’t gay, so I’m suspicious. Not that I pay attention to everything he does. Maybe he’s secretly screwing around and pretending he doesn’t. Or maybe he’s saving himself for someone special. I laugh, accidentally out loud.

  “What’s funny?”

  “Nothing, mate. One day I’ll find your secret.”

  “Secret to what?”

  “Nothing. Try Jem again, about time we got together on our own. Shame Dylan isn’t around.”

  As I wait to hear back from Bryn, I watch some boring re-runs on TV and text Cerys. She doesn’t reply and my heart hurts. Our daily texts back and forth from the last two months have dried. The few times I’ve called Cerys, conversation has been stilted. I hope it’s because she’s trying to hide her own hurt and not because the longer I’m away, the more distant we are.

  ****

  CERYS

  The hole left by Liam’s absence was once bearable because I knew he wasn’t far. Now I’ve pushed him away and I don’t know if he’ll come back. Why would he after everything I said to him? Liam’s an amazing man with so much love. I’m just scared he has that confused with his natural need to help. He says he loves me but one day, when Liam’s away from my screwed up life, he might realise what he’s doing and stop.

  Craig continues his ‘poor Dad’ act irritating me when Ella is around; and when he drops her off and makes snide remarks about how one day he won’t have to, I itch to smack him. He’s delusional.

  I put Ella to bed; pour a glass of wine, and fire up my laptop. My Facebook feed is filled with the usual whinging about life, funny animal videos, and plenty of semi-naked men. A lot of the mum’s decided to friend me when Liam entered my life; I’m unsure why when we don’t talk at school. Perhaps they think I can introduce them to the single members of the band. I accept their friend’s requests
. If I don’t, rumours will start over how I think I’m too good for them all.

  My phone rings and I put down my wine to pick it up. Liam. So far, I’ve avoided his calls because I’m scared to admit what might happen if I let him back, such as I won’t want to let him go again.

  Wine weakens my resolve and I answer.

  “Hello?”

  “Cerys. Can I come over? I need to talk to you. I can’t do this. I won’t stay if you don’t want, but I need to talk to you before things go to shit. I miss you so fucking much.”

  This is why I’ve avoided his calls and texts. I knew the first time I spoke to him that the Cerys who thought she was doing the right thing, would be knocked aside by the other Cerys who truly knows what the right thing is. Being with Liam.

  Were Craig and Honey an excuse? Is my fear of someone else letting me down, stopping the opportunity to be loved by someone who I deserve? We spent almost six months apart, after years where we didn’t see each other, and reconnected. There’s a reason for this and one I can’t ignore.

  “I miss you, too,” I say quietly. “I guess we need to talk.”

  “Yes, we do, this is a stupid situation. Can we please sort it out?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “No, today.”

  He hasn’t given up on me after my stupid behaviour and accusations.

  ****

  The Liam who arrives a couple of hours later is wary, hands burrowed in his jeans pockets. Standing in the dusk is the man who turned my world upside down and filled me with a depth of love that terrifies me. Add to that the mind-blowing attraction I have to the smoking hot man who can reduce me to a bundle of hormones with one kiss, the one who does things to me inside and out nobody else ever could.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurt as soon as I open the door.

  He steps inside and wraps his arms around me, inhaling against my hair. “I fucking missed you.”

  I tuck my head under the spot beneath his chin where the scent of his soap pulls me back to our safe place of happiness that we shouldn’t give up on.

  “Uncle Liam!” Ella stands at the top of the stairs in pink cat pyjamas, holding her blanket.

  “We really need to stop her calling me that,” he whispers. “It feels strange, like I’m your brother or something.”

  Ella thunders downstairs two at a time and almost knocks Liam over with a tackle hug. The panicked look he gets when Ella is overly physical with him crosses his face so I tug her arm.

  “Ella, you should be in bed.”

  “Will you be here in the morning?” Ella asks him.

  Liam glances at me and I bite my lip as I slide my gaze away. The connotation of the words isn’t missed.

  “I’ll see you really soon. I came to speak to your mummy.”

  “Good.” Ella puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes. “You made Mummy cry.”

  Oh, what? “Ella, bed, now!” I chase her upstairs and tuck the sleepy child into bed.

  Liam is still in the hallway when I get downstairs, and the minute my foot leaves the bottom step, he sweeps me into his arms, surprising me with a hard kiss. The amount my body has craved being with him will take over and we won’t get anything discussed if I return his desire. I wriggle from Liam’s embrace and head into the kitchen.

  This is awkward, now he’s here I feel embarrassed about the things I accused him of. “I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I told you to leave us alone.”

  Liam takes his jacket off and hangs it over the back of the sofa before following me into the kitchen. “I shouldn’t have walked away without sorting this out, Cerys, but you pissed me off.”

  I look up into the eyes of the man who changed my world. “And I shouldn’t have said those things; it was my insecurities talking.”

  “I can see why you think what you do, but I’m not trying to fix you. You’re doing a pretty good job of that yourself.” Liam touches my face with soft fingers, reconnecting us. “All I’m doing is helping out the amazing woman who’s let me into her life.”

  I take his hand from my cheek and squeeze his fingers relieved to be holding his hand. After what I said Liam could’ve given up. If he needed a get out I gave him one, but he’s here.

  “Liam, everything in my life is up in the air; I’m scared of relying on someone else again, and so quickly. It’s only two months since you came back. Can you understand why that freaks me out?”

  He shakes his head in the despairing way I recognise, and I know when he does that he wants to shake sense into me.

  “Cerys.” He pulls his hand from mine and cups my chin. “The fact we’re here so quickly says something, doesn’t it? Remember what I said about feeling as if I was home when I kissed you? I think home is wherever I am with you, because suddenly, I can see why it never worked with anyone else. I was always in the wrong place, with the wrong person.”

  How can I doubt Liam? The sincerity with every words he’s ever spoken to me is unmistakable and I did the wrong thing denying this. I tiptoe to reach his mouth and place my lips on his. “You don’t need to try and make me love you by doing things for me. I’d love you if you were still the dodgy, grungy guy from St Davids. Be him, because he’s the person fate pulled me back to.”

  Liam studies me curiously. “He’s here; you do know that, right?”

  “I do, dodgy guy.”

  Grabbing my face in both hands, Liam kisses me hard on the forehead. “You infuriate me sometimes.”

  “Sometimes?”

  “A lot.”

  Standing in the cramped kitchen I’m reminded of the day he came back to me; the rock star appearing at a five-year-old’s birthday party to fulfil a promise. He didn’t come back to fix a single mum’s situation, he came back to see Cerys. The intense attraction I have to this man who’s an unreal mix of gentle and passionate is undeniable. In the short time that’s passed since he returned my life has transformed.

  “I love you,” I say quietly.

  Liam doesn’t need to say the words because the silent communication between our hearts speaks for us. When his mouth touches mine, I sigh into the kiss annoyed with myself for almost screwing up the best thing in my life since Ella. Liam holds me in a warmth and comfort I’ve never had before and could never imagine coming from anybody else.

  Wrapped together I understand what he means about coming home; anywhere I am with Liam is where I should be. If we’d had this short conversation days ago the tears and worry would’ve been avoided. Why did I push so hard against something so right?

  We order an Indian takeaway, back to doing weirdly, ordinary things in our weirdly, unordinary life. The rock star and the single mum sharing curry in front of the TV. Liam loves these moments. He’s told me he’d swap a glitzy awards show or celebrity party for a night in with me any day and I believe him. The tensions between us have ebbed as quickly as it flooded in the other day, but one topic remains.

  As I clear up Ella’s mess in the lounge room, Liam watches. “Heard any more from your ex?”

  “We had an argument last time he brought Ella home from their last day out.” I grab a handful of Lego and shove it into the box. “He’s demanding I let her stay over with him, but I’m not ready to do that yet. When we were together and Craig went out, he often stayed over at a mates if he was too drunk to get home. I’m scared he won’t be there if she wakes in the night.”

  “He wouldn’t go out and leave her though, surely.”

  I focus on tidying the toys. “I don’t know. Probably not, but I’m not ready to let her go…”

  Liam kneels next to me and touches my arm. “I’m sure this will get sorted. Think about what he did at Christmas. The court will be on your side and he’ll wish he went to bloody mediation instead.”

  “I don’t want to talk or think about him, Liam.”

  “Okay.”

  I sit back on my heels and touch Liam’s leg. “Why would I want to think about him? Screw Craig and his custody issues; you’re part of my life and there�
�s nothing about you that makes you bad for my daughter.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” he says and helps throw some Lego in the box. “Can we make up properly now?”

  I pull an exasperated face at him.

  “What?” Liam fakes an innocent expression. “You said you didn’t want to think about him.” I tug him by the t-shirt toward me. “Then I guess Ella will get to see you in the morning.”

  CHAPTER 31

  CERYS

  Ella appears with a towel and her swimming costume in her arms. “Where’s Daddy taking you?” I ask.

  “He said we’d go to the beach today.”

  “Lucky you,” I say and help her push the blue towel and bright pink costume into her bag.

  “He said I’d need something for the car because it’s a long way to the beach.”

  I know how much Ella whines when we take a ten-minute trip across town to see her grandmother, so a few miles to the beach will be enough for her. “Maybe a book then?”

  Ella wanders off and returns with her Peppa Pig book and the Olaf that Liam bought her for Christmas.

  “Do you think Daddy will remember to get you some snacks to take?” I ask.

  “He said he’ll buy me some sweets and ice-creams.”

  “Healthy snacks,” I mutter and pull out some raisins. I package Ella a small box of fruits and crackers, and then put them in her bag.

  Craig arrives on time for once, and I grit my teeth as Ella rushes to him and he scoops her up.

  “Wow, my little girl’s getting heavy!”

  “I’m not little!” she protests.

  He sets her on the floor and I pass Craig the bag. “She says you’re going to the beach?”

  “Yeah, Barry. I want to make it a full day so we might be a bit later home.”

  “How late?”

  “Dunno, I’ll call you.” He pauses. “This would all be easier if you let her stay over with me.”

  “I’m not talking to you about this now.”