I could tell he was worried. I had him.
He thought for a long moment before he spoke. “You’re stronger than you realize, but you’re right, I will worry. In that case, I have a proposition for you.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes before he continued. “If you return to your life, then I promise I’ll stay with you,” he said.
This gave me hope. If this was the only way Ethan was willing to stay with me longer, then I would agree to it.
“For how long?” I asked.
He squeezed my hand and kept walking.
“How long, Ethan?”
“As long as it takes.”
That would mean forever to me.
9. Transformation
“This is ridiculous,” I said to Ethan, rolling my eyes.
“Try again,” he said.
We had no idea what we were doing. My parents were sitting by my hospital bedside, like they did every evening, hoping and praying for at least the slightest response from my body.
All I could do was watch. I tried and tried to make my finger move, squeeze my mother’s hand, or speak. Anything.
“It’s not working!” I said, tired and frustrated.
“Concentrate harder.”
I imagined myself back in my body. I put all my thoughts and energy into moving my index finger, but it wasn’t working. I quickly gave up and sat down.
“What if it’s already too late?”
“Don’t believe that. The problem is you’re still holding back.”
I knew he was right. I was curious to see if I could really make my body react, but I still wasn’t ready. I was scared.
My doctor walked into the room and greeted my parents.
“Still no response I take it?” he asked.
“No, none,” said my mom. She looked so tired and suddenly older.
“Have you given it any more thought?” he asked.
She gave him an angry look. “No!”
“I’m sorry, Melinda. I shouldn’t have brought it up again so soon.”
“I know, and you know my thoughts on the matter when it comes to our patients.” She started crying again. “But it’s different when it’s your own child.”
My dad put his arm around her.
I looked at Ethan with fear. Were they seriously considering…pulling the plug? I ran over to my mom and yelled at her, “Seriously?" She didn’t answer of course. She still couldn’t hear me.
I had to face it. All the signs were there. The light had just invited me in and now this. My time was up. I had to make a decision and act fast. I knew exactly what I had to do. I just had to find the strength to do it.
“I’ll let you be alone with her,” said the doctor. “Be sure to let me know right away if anything happens.”
“We will,” said my father.
My mom tried to stop crying. “I refuse to let her go, Mitchell.”
“I know. My heart can’t let her go either, but you and I both know this is no kind of life for her.” My father started crying.
I knew they were right. I had to do this.
I walked back over to Ethan. He said he would stay with me, although I didn’t know for how long. I knew I should trust him completely, but I was terrified. What if it wasn’t up to him? What if he changed his mind, thinking he was doing the best thing for me?
I thought of one of my favorite quotes, ‘If you love something let it go, and if it comes back to you then it’s yours. If it doesn’t, then it never was.’ I knew I had to take my chances.
Ethan stood up to face me. This was so painful for him too, and he was also scared. I could tell by the look on his face.
I put my arms around him and rested my cheek on his chest. Tears were rolling down my face as he gently tilted up my chin and leaned down to kiss me. We savored it. We took our time so we could remember every second. I would never forget how the kiss felt and how much love was behind it. I didn’t want it to end…but it did.
“Stay with me, Ethan,” I cried.
“I told you I will. You can do this now. You’re ready. I’ll be with you before you know it.”
He gently broke our embrace. He almost had to pry me away from him.
I slowly walked over to my sleeping body. It still felt so strange to see myself there. I touched my body’s hand, feeling an electric impulse. It felt right, like my body was trying to pull me in where I belonged. I knew I could do this now. I squeezed the hand of my body again, and my mother gasped as this caused my hand to move.
“Did you see that, Mitchell?” she asked with astonishment. “Her hand moved! Sarah! Sarah, can you hear me?”
I looked back at Ethan. He smiled and nodded, encouraging me to go on.
I’m not sure what made me do it, but I remembered Ethan telling me that our clothing actually stayed with our bodies when we died. Therefore, it made sense to leave the clothes I had on behind, to return to my body naturally and be born again. I boldly began to undress. I knew nobody could see me, except Ethan, but I was surprisingly uninhibited as he watched me. He smiled at me, and he didn’t look away, but he didn’t look at me with lust in his eyes. He seemed to understand.
“Remember your promise,” I said.
I didn’t wait for him to answer, but climbed onto the bed. I lay down in my body. It felt so good, so warm and exhilarating. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I was beginning to feel like myself again, but like I had been reborn. I seemed to be in a daze, though, like I wasn’t all there yet, almost like being drunk, but could hear the machines singing, my parents freaking out, the doctor and nurses rushing in. Ethan was silent, but it looked like he was smiling and crying at the same time.
If I was drunk before, this would now be the hangover. I was back in my own skin, but I felt so drained. Every muscle ached, and I felt so weak. My head was pounding, and my throat was dry. I tried to speak, but it was really difficult.
The doctor and nurse were hovering around me, and I could hear my mom’s voice. “Sarah? Sarah, say something, sweetie!”
It hurt to respond, but I forced it out with my painful, scratchy voice. “Mom?” I said, barely audible, but she could hear me.
“Sarah! Oh my God, Sarah! You’re going to be OK!”
“I know,” I said.
“I always knew,” she cried.
Coming out of a coma isn’t exactly like you see on TV. It took me a while to get my strength back. I tried to talk as much as I could, but it was difficult both physically and mentally. What could I say to them? If I described that had happened to me, then they would think I was insane, or just coming out of a long, detailed dream.
I kept scanning the room for Ethan, but I didn’t see him. Where was he? Was he going to break his promise? I needed him to be with me. I would always need him.
“So, anyway,” my mom continued saying, “Monica is so excited to see you! Everyone’s been so worried and praying for you.”
“Tell Monica this wasn’t her fault,” I said slowly. “She’s always been such a good friend.”
“I know. You’ll get to tell her yourself soon,” she said, smiling.
“When can I go home?” I asked.
“Soon, I hope! They just want to keep you here for another night and do some more tests in the morning.”
I could feel myself drifting off to sleep again.
“I’m going to let you get some rest now. We have a surprise for you by the way. Your father’s been working on it, but I’m going to go home and help.” She kissed my forehead. “See you in the morning, sweetie.”
I had the strangest dream that night. Ethan and I were at a party at Priscilla’s house again, only we were the main attraction, because we had just gotten married. Everyone was there, including my parents, relatives, and friends. The only one missing was Alexis. I never got to see her.
As I continued to dream, I couldn’t believe that my friends and relatives were hanging out with all the spirits, like there was nothing at
all strange about it. It felt surreal, just like everything I had experienced before coming out of my coma. It was like I was looking down on myself, only I didn’t look like myself. I was in a long strapless gown, only it was black. I looked pretty and a bit older, more sophisticated. I was smiling and dancing with my handsome new husband, like I was so happy everyone was there, but I was anxious to be alone with Ethan. He held me close, and I leaned up to kiss him, only as soon as my lips touched his, he faded away. I looked around us, and all of the other spirits were fading away too. Then I woke up.
I looked around the dark hospital room. I was alone. Where was he? For a moment, I wondered if anything ever really happened. It was entirely possible that I was dreaming the whole time. I’m sure our minds can do some crazy things when we’re in a coma. What if there really was no Ethan? I couldn’t accept that possibility. I needed him to come back to me. He promised. Why should I be surprised, though? Every guy I had ever met had let me down.
I saw the balloons as we pulled into the driveway. They just had to throw a freaking party.
“Was this really necessary?” I asked my parents.
“Everyone wanted to see you, Sarah!”
Several people ran over to greet me when we got out of the car. Monica was the first one to give me a hug. “I’ve missed you so much!” She was about to cry again.
“I missed you too, Monica.”
“I have so much to tell you,” she whispered, “about my love life.” She pointed to Phil.
Me too, I thought. Only I couldn’t talk about it.
There was a big ‘Welcome Home, Sarah!’ sign over the front door. It did feel good to be back, to be alive. As much as I was missing Ethan, I couldn’t help but to feel happy. However, after the initial excitement of greeting my relatives and friends from school wore off, I started to feel a bit tired again.
“I think it’s time to go upstairs,” my dad said.
“No, I’m OK,” I answered. I didn’t want to let everyone down by disappearing too soon.
“I can tell you’re tired, and I don’t want you overdoing it. Besides, there’s something your mom and I want to show you.”
They walked upstairs with me, and we headed toward Alexis’ room. I gave them a confused and worried look. When they opened the door, I saw a completely different room. It looked more like a studio. There were drawing boards set up on easels, a full range of art supplies, and big tables. The room had been repainted as well. It was beautiful.
“What is this?” I asked.
My mom had tears in her eyes. “You know we’ll never be able to let go of Alexis, but it was time to let go of her room, to storage and Goodwill anyway. It was too painful for all of us to keep it like it was. Now you can use this room to do your artwork.”
“Wow! Thank you! That’s so cool!” I was so excited, but sad too, because it also felt wrong.
My mom knew what I was thinking. She put her arm around me. “Alexis would be happy about this, Sarah. You know how much she loved you and was always encouraging you with your art.”
I hugged my parents. I was so grateful they didn’t have to lose me too.
10. Proof
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was longing for Ethan and then became so angry with him. How long was he going to wait to see me? Did he change his mind and go into the light, or just continue to wander around as a spirit, only without being a part of my life? Was he breaking his promise because he believed that’s what would be best for me? My next thought filled me with fear. What if something happened to him? What if Sawyer did something? I sat up in the bed. I had to do something, but what? It wasn’t like I could go looking for him. I would only get to see him if he reappeared. Or would I even be able to see him if he did? What if he were already with me, only I couldn’t hear or see him? Maybe he could give me a sign. Or…what if it was all really just in my head? My mind raced in circles all night. I had to find out. I needed proof.
I was in the kitchen eating cereal when my mom got up in the morning, looking very tired and desperately wanting some coffee. The house was still a mess from the party.
“You’re up early,” she said as she poured her coffee.
“I couldn’t sleep. Hey, do you think you could take me to the library today?” I would have to bum rides everywhere now, since my car was totaled. Luckily she had the day off work.
She gave me a surprised look. “The library? You just had a near-death experience and the first place you want to go to is the library? Since when do you ever want to go there?” she laughed.
“Well, I know I should be taking it easy, so I thought I could check out some books.” I lied.
“Well, OK then.”
“Cool. Thanks!”
I helped her clean things up, even though she kept insisting that I rest, but I had to do something to pass the time until the library opened.
Once we arrived, I was grateful that it wasn’t crowded.
“So what types of books would you like to read?” my mom asked. “There’s a new Danielle Steel…”
“Actually I just remembered I need to do some research for my term paper,” I blurted out.
“Oh, OK. Well, I’ll be over here,” she said as she pointed to the adult fiction section.
I quickly headed to the periodical section. The lady behind the desk was busy filing.
“Excuse me ma’am,” I said.
She slowly looked up at me above her reading glasses. “How may I help you?”
“I’m looking for an old article from 1987, from the obituaries.”
“OK, but I’ll need some more information.”
“It should be in the Sacramento paper.” What else could I tell her? I was afraid to say anything about Ethan, but I had to tell her something. I had to think quickly. “I don’t know the date, but it was in the fall, during deer hunting season.”
She continued to look at me, wanting more information. “I’m doing a paper on gun safety,” I told her. “I heard a rumor that a boy was…killed near Willows.”
The lady was quiet for a moment like she was in deep thought. “You know I vaguely remember hearing about that.”
“Really?” I asked, forgetting a moment to conceal my excitement.
She gave me a strange look. “I think I can help you narrow down the date. My husband was going to go hunting that same weekend, but something came up. I remember being grateful he didn’t go after I heard what had happened.”
She searched for a few minutes, and then pulled out some microfiche. “You should be able to find it here, but let me know if you need more help.”
“Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome, dear. Good luck with your paper.”
I sat down at a microfiche machine that was in the corner. My hands were shaking as I began searching. It sure sounded like the lady had heard about Ethan’s death. It was ironic. I wanted to see that he really died, so that it would prove he really existed. Then hopefully he could still live in my world.
I searched through several days and weeks of articles and obituaries, but wasn’t finding anything. I began to get discouraged. I looked around to see if my mom was looking for me yet, but luckily I didn’t see her. I continued to search quickly. It had to be in there.
I went to the next month and started scanning fast until a picture caught my eye. I backed up to it, and my heart began beating hard. I knew that face well. It was him. There was his picture in the obituary section. It read ‘Ethan Walker - Loving Son - 1970 - 1987’. So it was true. It was real. All of it was real.
“Hey, sweetie!” said my mom as she was suddenly standing right in front of me. She made me jump. She laughed, “Did I scare you? What are you looking at?” She started to peep around at the machine.
I quickly moved the lever to another page. “Oh, I’m just scanning for some information, trying to come up with ideas. I’ll be done in just a few minutes.”
“OK. I’m going to go check these out.”
After she
walked away, I went back to Ethan’s picture. I missed him so much, and I loved him so much it hurt. At least now I knew my love was real. If only he would come back to me.
I jotted down all the information from the obituary and continued scanning. If the librarian was familiar with the story, then perhaps there was another article? Sure enough, I found one in the next week’s paper. It described the tragic accident and showed a picture of Ethan with his parents. Down below was a picture of the hunter who shot him. He looked very upset, like he obviously felt horrible about what happened.
It was so unfair. Why did Ethan have to die? Why did Alexis have to die? Why was I allowed to live? I couldn’t understand it and probably never would, but at least I knew that there really was an afterlife.
“Sarah…Sarah, wake up.”
I mumbled and turned back over, only my mom’s voice was relentless.
“Come on, Sarah. Wake up. It’s time to go to church.”
This got my attention. “What?”
“We’re going to church today,” she said.
“We haven’t been to church in forever. Why do I have to go today?”
“Wouldn’t it feel good to go after everything you’ve been through? What we’ve been through?” she asked.
If she only knew everything I had been through. “Then afterwards we can go shopping!” she said excitedly. “I know you need your rest, so we won’t go to too many stores at the mall. You’ve been given a second chance, Sarah, like you’ve been reborn. Enjoy it!”
Her good mood was killing me. I didn’t feel up to it. I owed her, though, and maybe shopping would help distract me, or maybe church would help me tune into the spiritual world where Ethan could hear me. Stranger things had definitely happened.
I got up and looked in my closet. I had nothing to wear, as usual. I grabbed a simple black dress, which reminded me of my dream. Maybe I could dress it up with some jewelry. I tried to refocus my mind. I didn’t know how to feel. Happy or sad? Grateful or angry? In love or heartbroken? My emotions had been so up and down with everything that I didn’t quite know who I was anymore. Maybe some change would do me good, for the time being. I was tired of myself.
Sarah's Solace Page 8