I searched through my closet and chose a maroon colored dress that was more body conscious than what I would normally wear. I quickly took a shower, curled my hair for a change, and put on some eye make-up. Then I really went wild and added some red lipstick and black pumps. Was it too sexy for church?
“Come on, Sarah! We’re going to be late!”
They were surprised at my appearance when I came down the stairs.
“Wow! Sarah honey, you look beautiful!” said my mom.
“Growing up too fast,” my dad added with a smile.
It felt so strange, being at church, not only because it had been so long since we’d gone, but obviously because of my experience. I had a totally different perspective than I did before, yet I was still confused as ever.
I considered myself to be Catholic, because I had been told that I was. So here we were, sitting in church, going through the rituals, saying what we were supposed to say and bowing our heads on queue. All I could think about was Ethan.
I needed someone to talk to. If I tried to talk to God in my head, would He or She listen? I had the rare opportunity to glimpse into the spiritual world and then return to life, but why? What was the purpose of it all? I was happy to be alive, but I lost Ethan. I was beginning to feel like I had lost him forever.
When mass was over, I didn’t feel ready to leave. I asked my parents if I could stay inside and pray. They were surprised, but seemed to understand after everything that I had been through. They assumed I wanted to thank God for saving my life. I was absolutely grateful, but the truth was, I wanted to see if I could talk to Ethan. I felt closer to the spiritual world in the church than anywhere, so I prayed it would work, that I could bring him close to me again. I sat there praying and begging him to answer me, until it got to the point where it felt useless, and I felt silly for continuing to try.
I slowly got up and started to walk out of the church, but then I had a crazy idea. It seemed to be my only hope at the moment. I could talk to the priest. He would keep my secret and could hopefully offer some insight. It was worth a try.
I tentatively approached him, still debating. I was afraid that even he would think I was wacko, but I knew now that I wasn’t. I just didn’t know what to do.
He greeted me kindly. Like I did with everyone else, I agreed with him that God should be thanked for bringing me out of my coma.
“I don’t know how to begin,” I told him. “I just need to open up to someone, because I can’t keep holding it in. Just please don’t tell anyone.”
He assured me that he wouldn’t and motioned for me to take a seat. He encouraged me to continue.
I took a deep breath. “While I was in my coma…I experienced something.”
“That is not uncommon,” he answered. “I am here to listen.”
“I…was a spirit. I believed I was dead, which of course I wasn’t, but I was definitely in a spiritual form.”
“What did you experience?”
What did I experience? Where would I begin?
“I experienced so much. I met other spirits, I walked among the living…and I saw the light.”
“A light you chose not to go into,” he said with understanding.
“Yes. It was after I realized I was still in a coma. But there’s more. I met someone really special, someone who really was deceased…and I fell in love with him.” I immediately regretted telling him as my face burned with embarrassment. I prayed that he really wouldn’t tell my parents.
He paused before answering. That was probably one he had never heard before.
“Do you believe he returned your love?”
“I thought so, but I haven’t seen him since.”
“Don’t be discouraged, Sarah. Love is always a gift, even if it doesn’t last…and if you always keep your heart open and live a meaningful and caring life, then you will find it again. Never give up your faith.”
I felt the tears falling. Even though I still didn’t know how I would live my life happily if I never saw Ethan again, hearing the priest’s words gave me comfort. It felt so good to talk with someone.
“I won’t give up faith, Father,” I answered, hoping I was telling him the truth.
11. Hanging On
I was still trying to throw my things together when I heard Monica honking the horn, causing Blondie to bark uncontrollably. I felt so out of it and disorganized, especially since once again I couldn’t sleep.
Although frustrated, Monica smiled at me as I walked out.
“Well, well! Finally you went shopping!” she said, admiring my new outfit. “I like it. Not really my style, but it looks cool on you.”
Was that a compliment? I didn’t care. I convinced my mom to check out some vintage shops with me. I admit I was inspired by some of Priscilla’s wardrobe. I missed her too, even though we didn’t get to spend much time together.
“And you finally got a car!” I said. “Thanks for giving me a ride.”
“I should have never let you leave that party,” she said sadly.
“Monica, how many times do I have to tell you?”
“I know, I know. I’m just so glad you’re back. Are you ready for me to catch you up on all the gossip?” she asked excitedly.
“Go for it,” I smiled back and let her talk away.
I was so glad once my day at school was over. Everyone kept staring at me. Some were excited to see me back while others just whispered to each other as they passed by. I had to convince Rick that I didn’t drink or smoke anything at his party. I think his parents were afraid my parents would sue or something. Craig asked how I was doing, while his new girlfriend avoided my gaze. Even Johnny apologized, having heard that I left the party right after our fight. I told him it wasn’t his fault either, but not to ever talk about Alexis like that again.
It wasn’t a bad day, considering, but nothing could really make me feel better than to see Ethan again. I demanded to know what was holding him back, or where he had gone, but I got no answers. All I could do then was try to get through the day.
I sat down to do homework, but my mind kept wandering. I got up and pulled out the notes I jotted down from Ethan’s obituary and the article I found. I thought of trying to contact his parents, but I knew that would be wrong. Not only would they think I was probably insane, but I felt guilty for being able to spend time with Ethan when they couldn’t anymore.
I wished I at least had a picture of him. I walked into Alexis’ room, my new art studio. It was already getting dark outside, and my parents weren’t home yet. I turned on the radio to some soft music, something more acoustic sounding like I knew Ethan would enjoy, and picked up a piece of black drawing chalk.
I sat down on the stool in front of the easel and began. Drawing was always my escape, and it felt so good as my hand glided over the huge pad of paper. I started to draw a tree, which felt elementary, but it was a tree I knew well. It was the one I crashed into. Before I knew it I was drawing him, leaning up against the tree and holding me. I remembered every detail of his face and his body, as if he were standing right in front of me, like I wished so badly he were.
When I was finished, I sat there and stared at him as my eyes began to swell with tears. I ached for him so much I couldn’t stand it. I felt so much love for him, while a small part of me was also beginning to hate him. Where was he? Was he watching me now? I kept asking myself these same questions that I was so tired of asking.
I turned the over the page of my drawing pad and tried to think of something else to draw, but I couldn’t. I turned out the light and went back to bed. I put on my headset and turned the music up loud, attempting to drown out my thoughts, but I didn’t succeed. I cried myself to sleep.
I was on the front porch waiting when Monica picked me up again the next morning.
“Wow! This is a first!” she said.
“I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Well, you did get a lot of sleep recently,” she winked.
If she only
knew what I went through during my coma. I wished I could tell her everything.
“You OK?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’ve just been feeling kind of down.”
“You’ve been through a lot.” Suddenly she jumped with excitement. “Oh my God, I know just the thing! How about a road trip this weekend? Do you think your parents would let you?”
“A road trip where?” I asked hesitantly.
“San Francisco!”
This got my attention. I couldn’t believe the coincidence.
“San Francisco?” I asked.
“Yeah! Phil’s sister, Barbara, is having a party this weekend! I’ve never been to a college party before, so wouldn’t that be cool?”
I could care less about the party, but San Francisco was obviously alluring.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds cool. I’ll talk my parents into it. They don’t have to know the whole story.”
“So run this by me again?” my mom asked.
I waited until Friday afternoon to bring it up, and I called her at work. I knew she was busy and wouldn’t have time to ask too my questions.
“Monica’s boyfriend, Phil, offered to take us to San Francisco to visit his sister?”
“And she’s in college? Is there going to be drinking there?”
“Mom, you know I don’t drink. Besides, we’re just going to visit his sister who isn’t a partier. She’s just lonely with it being her first year at college and wanted her brother to visit, and he thought we’d like to go. It’s not too early for me to start looking at colleges.”
“Well, I’m glad you are thinking about college more, and San Francisco is a pretty artsy town.”
She was silent for a moment, which was promising.
“OK,” she said. “Your father’s meeting with a client so I’ll have to tell him it was my decision. Don’t let me down, Sarah.”
“I won’t, Mom. Thanks!”
“You know how hard it is for us to let you go off after everything.”
“I know. Don’t worry. I’ll call you.”
“You better.”
“OK. Bye, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I quickly rushed upstairs to fix myself up. I changed into a jean miniskirt, a pair of boots, and one of my new vintage blouses with flowers and big sleeves. I brushed my hair, added some lip gloss, and packed a few things in my bag. Monica and Phil pulled up in Phil’s Mustang a few minutes later.
“Hot outfit!” said Monica.
Phil nodded in agreement, which made me blush.
“Thanks,” I said. “Hey, Phil. Thanks for letting me come with you guys.”
“What did you tell your mom?” Monica asked.
“The truth, except about the party,” I said guiltily.
“No need to worry her.”
“Nope.”
It took us a couple of hours to get to San Francisco. After I had enough of watching Phil rub Monica’s knee and their loving stares at each other, I asked Phil to turn up the music while I leaned back and closed my eyes the rest of the way.
“So, you guys want to get something to eat?” Phil asked. “There’s a McDonald’s up here?”
“I’m not very hungry,” I answered.
“At least get some fries or something, Sarah. You need to eat.”
“OK, whatever.”
We went through the drive-thru and then continued to drive around, sight-seeing for a while before we headed to Phil’s sister’s. So many recent memories were going through my head. I wanted to revisit the places Ethan and I went to, but since we only ‘wished’ ourselves to each destination, I had no clue which direction to take.
“This is such a cool city, but my sister complains that it is too expensive to live here,” explained Phil.
As he turned down the next street, the houses began to look somewhat familiar. My instinct began to take over.
“Turn right here!” I said.
“OK,” said Phil, curiously.
“The houses are so pretty. I couldn’t imagine living in a house that big,” Monica said.
We continued to drive uphill on the long, winding road, and I could feel we were getting close.
“We should turn around soon,” Phil said.
“No, let’s keep going,” I told him.
“You like seeing how the other half lives?” Monica asked.
“Something like that.”
Suddenly I saw it. It was as big and beautiful as I remembered, gothic and even more majestic than the others. This was Priscilla’s house.
“This is the one! Stop here!”
Phil pulled over in front of the mansion.
“Cool!” said Monica.
“So this is your dream house?” asked Phil.
“Yeah,” I said. Actually it was what I experienced at this house that seemed like a dream. I got out of the car and slowly walked toward the front steps.
“What are you doing?” Monica asked me.
I didn’t answer. I was alone with my own thoughts, remembering this spot where Ethan and I first kissed. It felt more real, now that I was standing in the same spot again. I wanted to go back to that moment. I slowly and hesitantly walked up the front steps.
“Sarah, come on!” I heard Phil yell from the car.
I ignored him. I walked right up to the front door and rang the bell. Nobody came to the door. I checked again to see if any cars were in the driveway but didn’t see any.
Come on, Priscilla. Give me a sign that you are here. I rang the bell again and waited. Nothing. I turned around, frustrated and discouraged.
Monica ran up to me. “What the hell are you doing? What’s wrong with you?”
“This house looked familiar.”
“How’s that?”
I tried to think fast. “I think I was here a long time ago. I think the owner is one of my dad’s clients.”
“Well, it doesn’t look like anyone’s home.”
“No. Come on, let’s go,” I said sadly as I walked back to the car.
So Priscilla was gone too. All my hope was disappearing.
“Where to now?” asked Phil.
“Let’s go to the party,” I answered. I suddenly felt determined to do anything that would get everything off my mind.
There were already a lot of people at Barbara’s apartment when we arrived. I felt a little out of place, since they were older college students, but they were all pretty friendly. The cool thing about college was that everyone got to start over without the continuation of the stupid high school cliques.
“Phil!” yelled his sister as she ran over and threw her arms around him. She appeared to have already had a few drinks.
“Hey, Barbie! You remember Monica and Sarah?”
“Yeah, hey!” she said to us. “I’ve heard a lot about you especially,” she said to Monica.
Monica smiled wide. I was happy for her that Phil was so into her.
“Come on, I’ll show you where the keg is,” Barbara said.
As we followed her into the kitchen, I asked, “Hey Barbara, you know where I could bum a cigarette?”
“Yeah, sure. I know Brian has some. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”
I followed her, feeling a bit shy, but trying not to let it show. We walked out onto the back balcony, where she introduced me to Brian and asked him for the cigarette. I couldn’t help noticing he was really cute, with short brown hair and a beautiful smile, and he seemed really nice. He smiled at me, and I could tell he was discreetly checking me out.
“Yeah, sure,” he said as he handed me the cigarette and then lit it for me.
Barbara smiled at us and walked away.
“Thanks. I shouldn’t be doing this, though,” I said.
“None of us should, but we’ll worry about that later. You need a drink?” He was sipping beer out of a red cup.
“No, thanks.”
“So, you in college?” he asked.
I laughed and then felt silly for it. “No, not yet.”
“OK, I better not ask how young you are then,” he laughed. “At least you’re not drinking.”
I smiled. “What about you? You go to college here?”
“Yeah. I’m an art student.”
“Really? That’s my plan!”
“Cool. What kind of art?”
We sat down and talked about art, school, San Francisco, where we grew up, everything we could think of. I had to admit that I really liked this guy. I was immediately connecting to him. The rest of the party didn’t seem to exist while we were so deep into our conversation. Monica came looking for me a couple of times, but then just smiled and walked away.
“I can’t believe you just came out of a coma!” Brian said as he shook his head. “Could you hear anyone talking to you?”
This question made me freeze up. I certainly wasn’t going to talk about that experience. Plus it made me think of Ethan again. I needed to change the subject.
“No. I don’t remember anything,” I told him. “I’ll be right back. I need to find the ladies room. Can I get you another drink while I’m in there?” I wanted some assurance he would still be there waiting for me.
“Sure, I’ll take another beer. Thanks,” he said with a smile.
Before I left the bathroom, I took a look at myself in the mirror while the guilt set in. It felt like I was cheating on Ethan. What if he knew I was talking with this guy? Could he see me? Then again, if he still wanted to be with me, then why wouldn’t he let me see him? Or maybe he wanted to be with me, but couldn’t. In that case, I really felt guilty. I didn’t know what to think, or what to do, but there were other people waiting to use the bathroom, and Brian was waiting for my return, so I had to push all these thoughts out of my head for the time being.
Monica caught up with me as I was getting a drink from the keg.
Sarah's Solace Page 9