I was about to tell him, when I saw him start to smile again.
“I never thought I would fall in love after I died,” he said.
“I was beginning to think I never would.”
“So little faith,” he joked.
“I want to thank you, Ethan, for staying with me. I don’t deserve you.”
“You deserve more than me.”
I shook my head. Didn’t he get it? He was all I would ever want, but I was realizing more than ever that I had to accept what was going to be best for him. “You deserve more than me, more than…” I couldn’t find the words, and my tears were getting in the way.
“Hey,” he said, rubbing my knee. “Let’s just think about the balloon ride. I’m proud of you for being so adventurous!”
“You inspire me. By the way, the money and the reservation? How in the world…?”
Ethan laughed. “I had some money stashed at the cabin, and the reservation…I simply wrote your name on the list.”
“Wait…you were at the cabin?”
“Yeah. Everything was cool, though.”
“Nobody else was around?”
“Nope. It was quiet,” he assured me.
“Good. I like quiet.”
22. Home Sweet Home
It was the perfect day. The most perfect day of my spirit life. The look on Sarah’s face when we were floating through the sky was enough to fill my heart forever. I loved her too much. It was killing me, even though I was already dead.
A couple of weeks had passed since that beautiful Saturday. Winter was more in the air now, and Christmas was everywhere. I promised her I would stay until Christmas. It felt too soon, though. It would always feel too soon, but the light would come for me again tonight, I was sure of it. It was coming too often now. Sarah couldn’t see it, but it was my constant reminder that I was hanging on by a thread. I could feel the walls closing in on me as I struggled to hold on. My only escape was the light that pulled me toward it with all its might, while I desperately tried to hold on to Sarah.
She was everything to me. My life was already gone, but I would give up heaven to be with her. The longer I stayed, the weaker I became. I was tempted to sell my soul to the devil in exchange for the opportunity to spend a lifetime with her. I finally understood Sawyer, but I couldn’t be that selfish. I had to focus on what was best for Sarah.
I needed to get away from her for a short time so I could think clearly, and I needed to say goodbye to my other loved ones.
“Sarah,” I whispered. It was about 5:00 AM on Thursday morning. It was chilly and dark outside, which made me want to stay in Sarah’s warm and inviting bed.
She stretched and moaned as I began to wake her. She was so beautiful. I loved to watch her, but the more I watched her, the more it hurt, like pleasure and pain entwined.
“Sarah, I’m going to go out for a bit,” I told her.
“What?” she asked, slowly waking up, but not yet opening her eyes. “Where?”
“I’m going to go visit my parents.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I need to…see them.”
She opened her eyes and faced me, her lips close to mine as she put her arm around me. “OK. When will you be back?”
“I’ll be back by tonight.”
She was silent for a moment. “OK. I understand if you want to see them. That’s good. I just hate being away from you.”
I kissed her mouth tenderly. “I know. I’ll hurry back.”
I left quickly before I changed my mind. I really did want to visit my mom and dad, though. I hadn’t visited them since before I met Sarah. As painful as it would be, I knew I needed to see them before it was too late.
I went to my old neighborhood, to the house my mom still occupied, while my dad now lived across town in an old cottage.
The sun hadn’t come up yet, but it was close. I knew I had to hurry if I wanted to see them both before they went to work. I should have been coming around to see them more often. Not only had I been spending all my time with Sarah, but it was too damn painful. I still wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I knew I wouldn’t stay long.
As I entered the house, I was filled with an emotion that was overwhelming. It made me feel too alive, too much like I was just back home again like normal. The familiar look, feel, and smell of my own home consumed me, like I had never left.
I could hear the coffee pot finishing its brew as my mom entered the kitchen in her pajamas, make-up smudged and hair tousled. To me, she had never looked so beautiful. I missed her so much.
She smiled to herself and shook her head as she poured her cup of coffee. I stood behind her, taking in her familiar smell. I almost couldn’t take it. I wanted to let her know I was there and tell her that I loved her. I always would.
She retrieved another mug from the cabinet and began pouring another cup. I wondered who it was for. I thought about leaving. If it was for a man, then I definitely did not want to stick around. My last memory of her should not be a sneaky view of who she was shacking up with now that she was no longer with my dad. I wanted to say goodbye, but decided I should hurry and leave. I felt like I was intruding, and I didn’t want to have any ill feelings toward her, so I turned to go; only I was stopped by a familiar voice.
“Oh man, that coffee smells so good. I can’t believe we overslept like that,” he said.
What? I was stunned to see my father walk into the room with his shoes in his hand, still trying to tuck in his shirt.
“That’s because we didn’t get much sleep,” said my mom, smiling.
He came up behind her and kissed her on the cheek. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My mom and dad back together? After five years. Or were they? Was this just a one night thing? Whatever it was, I was in complete shock. I knew my dad had never gotten over my mom, but I didn’t realize the feeling was mutual. I had to laugh to myself.
I wanted to keep watching them, but without them being aware of my presence. I decided to meander through my house some more. It was the last time I would visit.
As I looked around me, I noticed that nothing had changed. I was happy that my memories would not be altered. My entire childhood came rushing back to me as I looked around, lightly touching objects as I passed. Every piece of furniture, every trinket and decoration had a memory, and of course the pictures.
It was so agonizing. Looking at the pictures was too much, and I wanted to bolt, but I knew I would regret it if I did, if it were possible to feel regret on the other side. Would all the sadness go away too? Would my longing to be with Sarah disappear, or would I be able to take all the love I had with me? Would I need it?
I walked upstairs, running my fingers along the stair railing as I ascended. What would my room look like? Part of me wanted it to be intact while the other part of me wanted it to be transformed, meaning that my mom was better able to move on. As I quietly entered the room, I noticed that it was in an ‘in between’ state, as if someone were moving out…me.
Half of my possessions were sitting in the room in boxes. So, she had begun to let go. Were they boxing up my belongings together? Had my death somehow brought them closer again? I had heard that losing a child usually did the opposite. In any case, I hoped they really were back together. I would take that hope with me.
I unfolded the flap of one of the boxes and saw some of my old trophies from various sports I had played as a child, such as basketball and football. I smiled at the memory. I still enjoyed football, but once I became more interested in music, I became less interested in sports. My father was disappointed, but once he finally heard my music, he seemed to understand more.
I noticed my acoustic guitar sitting on its stand in the corner. I wanted to take it with me. Sarah was constantly asking to hear my songs, and I really wanted her to hear them, but I didn’t want to freak out my parents by taking it.
I rummaged through some more of the boxes and was very pleased at my next discovery, a cassette tape I had record
ed my songs on. They were meant to be demos that I dreamed of making into an actual album. I rubbed my finger over the title. I wanted to take it with me too, but decided it would be best to try to discreetly transport it later. I hid it under the loose floor board in my room. It was always the perfect hiding place for things when I was growing up.
I could hear my parents laughing and talking downstairs. It was time to go, time to say goodbye. I only wish I could ‘tell’ them goodbye, somehow like I did with Heather.
My father was getting ready to leave when I came back down, while my mom was still standing there in her robe, coffee cup in hand.
“Lasagna tonight?” she asked.
“You know that’s my favorite,” answered my dad, smiling at her. “I’ll bring a bottle of Merlot.”
“You know that’s my favorite,” she said.
They were like two teenagers again. I was happy for them. I wished I could tell them that. Only I decided to do nothing. I didn’t want to ruin their moment by reminding them of their loss. I didn’t want them to ever forget me, and I knew they wouldn’t, but I was glad they were moving on and finding happiness with each other again. I watched in silence as my dad kissed my mom on the cheek and said goodbye.
As he pulled away from her, he took in a deep breath. “By the way, is that a new scent you’re wearing, or are you baking?”
Uh oh, not again.
“Neither, why?” she laughed.
“You don’t smell that?”
My mom took in a deep breath and concentrated. “Now that you mention it, I do smell something sweet,” she said curiously.
Well, at least they could smell me.
“Potpourri?” he asked.
She looked around, trying to remember, and then shrugged her shoulders.
He kissed her again on the forehead and whispered, “It must just be you. I’ll see you later.”
My mom smiled and watched him go out the door as I followed. My last memory of them couldn’t have been more special, and they at least sensed my presence, without my upsetting or scaring them. It was the best I could ask for.
23. Channeling
“So where’s your boyfriend this morning? Did he take off again?” Veronica asked as soon as I got to school.
“He went to go see his parents.”
“Really? He still talks to his parents?”
“No, he just wanted to see them.”
“That’s cool.”
“Hey guys! What’s up?” asked Monica, with way too much energy so early in the morning.
“Hey, girl,” answered Veronica.
“See, I told you the red one looks better on you,” said Monica, pointing to Veronica’s blouse. “Finally she’s putting some more color in her wardrobe. She was about to buy black again,” she told me.
“Yeah, yeah,” Veronica said jokingly. “Red’s cool, though.”
“You two went shopping?” I asked.
“We tried to call you,” said Monica defensively.
I had been out all evening with Ethan of course. We drove out to the lake and ended up lying on the hood of my car, talking and looking at the stars. Definitely better than shopping, but I was pleasantly surprised they were becoming friends.
“Sorry, I was out running some errands,” I explained.
Veronica smiled at me suspiciously. I bit my lip as I tried not to smile back.
“That’s OK. We can go this weekend,” Monica said. “Gotta go. See ya later!”
“Shopping?” I asked Veronica after she left.
She shrugged and smiled. “I like her. She has a good spirit. So anyway, I’m having the crew over tonight. They asked if you wanted to join us.”
I knew she was referring to her friends from Chico. I started to object, but she was quick in trying to convince me.
“He can come with us if he’d like,” she told me, reading my thoughts.
“I don’t know. He might not even be home when I get there…”
“So leave him a note. He knows where I live.”
I made a face like I wasn’t sure.
“You are the biggest party pooper, Sarah. I’ll have to change that. It’ll be fun! My parents are going to a Christmas party and Zelda’s visiting her family. We’ll have the house to ourselves.”
“I’ll think about it, but I’m not promising anything.” If Ethan wasn’t back yet, it would be better than sitting at home worrying.
“Well, let me know. I’ll tell Penelope not to badger you so much this time.”
“Thanks,” I said with relief.
He wasn’t there when I got home. My room felt so empty without him. I wondered how his visit with his parents went. Did it have to take so long? I had to understand and remind myself again not to be so selfish. Perhaps he went somewhere else too. Fear jolted through me as I pictured him running into Sawyer again. Where was he?
I tried to do my homework over the next couple of hours while sitting in front of the television, watching MTV. My dad was working late while my mom was out buying some Christmas gifts. It was already starting to get dark outside. I had this uneasy feeling, and it was spooky in the house alone. I sat on my bed looking out the window and trying to decide what to do. Anything seemed better than sitting in my room dwelling on my worries.
I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote him a note. I didn’t address it in case my parents were to see it. I simply wrote that I went to Veronica’s. I hoped that he would catch up with me soon.
Along with the impending darkness came the cold air. I hated that it got dark so early. I longed for summer again, but only if Ethan could still be with me.
Veronica’s neighborhood was beautiful, with all the houses decorated and lit up for Christmas. We had yet to do anything to our house. I didn’t care.
As I pulled into her driveway, I noticed Penelope’s car already parked. I wished I had gotten there earlier instead of being so indecisive. I would have preferred some time alone with Veronica so we could talk.
I slowly walked up her elegantly lit walkway and noticed that the house looked dark inside. Were they in there? I looked back at the driveway to double check that Veronica’s van was also parked, which it was. Maybe they were outside by the pool again. I rang the doorbell anyway. I heard giggling inside before the door was opened.
“Sarah! You made it!” exclaimed Veronica. She seemed to be pretty wound up. “Come on in!”
I took off my jacket in the foyer and then followed Veronica into the living room. It was pretty dark, with only some dim lighting and candles lit all over the room. The fireplace was full of candles as well.
“Hi, Sarah!” said Daphne from the sofa. “Glad you finally made it.”
“Hi.”
“Hey,” said Penelope, who was sitting on the floor surrounded by pillows in front of the fireplace. I noticed she was holding a bottle of white liquor.
“There is still some pizza left in the kitchen if you want some,” said Veronica.
“No, that’s OK. I already ate something.”
I sat down on the sofa next to Daphne, still feeling uncomfortable.
“You want a swig?” Penelope asked.
“No, thanks.”
She passed the bottle of Vodka to Daphne, who smiled and took a drink before passing it to Veronica.
“So, I guess Ethan couldn’t make it,” stated Penelope.
“He might be here later.”
“What have you two been up to?” she asked.
Veronica jumped in. “Penelope, you said you wouldn’t…”
“I know, I know. I can’t help it!” She was laughing a bit, as if the alcohol were taking its effect. “I’m so interested in this relationship!” She moved closer to me. “What’s it really like to kiss him?”
I felt myself blushing. I was tired of her making me feel self-conscious. If she wanted to know, then I would tell her. I smiled at her. “It’s electrifying!”
She through her head back and laughed. “Well, one’s never tried to kiss me yet,
but some have tried to terrorize me,” she explained, her laugh disappearing. “You’ve never been haunted?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Lucky you.”
“How long has Ethan been a ghost?” Daphne asked.
I decided to be careful how much information I gave them. “For a while now.”
“I always wonder what it’s like for them,” Daphne said compassionately.
“I think it depends on the situation,” added Veronica.
“Why do you think anyone would want to stay a ghost?” Daphne asked.
“Maybe revenge, unfinished business, or they just don’t want to let go,” said Penelope.
“Or they never got to love,” Veronica said.
She was really perceptive. I didn’t answer, but she smiled, knowing she was right.
“In any case, maybe we’ll get some more answers tonight,” Penelope explained.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
She got up and retrieved something from her duffle bag. It looked like a game. She brought it over to the floor and pulled the item out of the box. I couldn’t believe it. She actually brought a Ouija board. I couldn’t help laughing, which Penelope did not appreciate.
“I’m sorry,” I told her, but I was still trying not to smile.
“You don’t believe in them,” Penelope stated for me.
“Well, we’ve played around with them before as kids, but I could always tell that it was really us moving the um…”
“Planchette,” said Daphne.
OK, whatever. It looked like a heart to me. “Yeah, I mean subconsciously.”
Penelope gave me a serious look. “I’m sure a lot of people do, but we are not your everyday people, so we shall see.”
Now I was getting frightened. My experiences had not been like theirs. The only spirits I had ever known were when I was a spirit myself and didn’t know the difference, so I wasn’t frightened to see them again, except for Sawyer. I hated to think of him again. I still wondered where he was and if he would be back.
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