Tainted Black

by Shanora Williams

  My body racked, the sobs blending in with the wind that passed me by. I sobbed because I would never see Izzy again. I cried because, after that night, I would be someone else—someone without a partner in crime or with calls and texts to look forward to.

  But I wept most because, after that night, I was never going to hold Theo like this again.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  The world I had restored after three lonely years came crashing down again. And this time, it was really, really fucked up.

  My baby girl… my daughter. I couldn’t believe myself. After raising her to be the woman she’d become, showing her the ropes in life, and teaching her the basics of how to survive in this crazy world, I’d sent her running away from me. I broke my baby’s heart—actually I’d broken two hearts.

  Her trust in me? Gone.

  My Isabelle…

  It’s sad to think that I never thought I would get to that point—of her finding out about Chloe and me. I wanted her to stay oblivious to it. I wanted to keep my daughter in my life but also keep my little knight in shining armor.

  Who was I kidding? I knew I couldn’t have both—that I couldn’t keep going on with Chloe like I did. Her words… they broke the little that was left of my heart, and when she spewed her anger at Chloe, I felt fucking terrible.

  It wasn’t her fault.

  It was mine. I never should have touched her. I never should have relied on her to take care of me. I was a grown man. I shouldn’t have needed saving by someone that hardly even knew better. I shouldn’t have expected her to come running, picking up all my damaged pieces and restoring them.

  But I did. I didn’t regret it, though. As horrible as I felt, I didn’t regret what Chloe and I created. I would never regret someone that made me feel alive again when I thought it would be damn near impossible to. I loved that girl—I loved her more than life itself, but I loved my daughter unconditionally. More that I can put into words.

  I loved Janet dearly, but after finding out she’d lied to me, I went blank. She cheated on me, something I never would have done to her. She hardly knew that kid. She’d known me for fifteen years of her life, but risked putting our relationship on the line for a kid that most likely considered her a good, easy lay.

  Chloe said he loved her, but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it because he didn’t love Janet the way I did. Wholly. Fiercely. Passionately. Undeniably. Fuck, I couldn’t believe I’d spent so many years with her, and in the end, it turned out she wasn’t happy with me.

  Where did I go wrong?

  What did I do?

  Did I not love hard enough?

  Did I forget a birthday or anniversary?

  Did I not show her enough attention?

  I blinked my tears away as I walked onto Dirty Black, cranking her up and sailing across the sea. Chloe sat on the bench in the corner with her arms wrapped around her, her line of sight nowhere near mine. She focused on the ocean. She hadn’t said a thing since leaving the condo.

  My heart broke for her. I couldn’t imagine how she felt. I thought surely I would be able to protect her from ever getting caught—from ever ruining her relationship with my daughter.

  I was wrong.

  I guess I couldn’t do everything.

  I was no Superman.

  I was the Joker, playing tricks with her mind and body, bringing her deeper into a game that both we knew wouldn’t end fairly.

  Stopping the boat, I went for the anchor and dropped it in the water, then turned around, getting an eyeful of Chloe. Fuck, she was hurt. Her face was pale, her body shivering as if she were freezing. But she wasn’t shaking from the wind. She was shaking because she was crying.

  I walked her way, silently reaching for her hand. She looked up as I kissed the back of it. Then I brought her to a stand. She looked away, but she stayed close. “I’ll talk to Izzy,” I murmured. “She can’t be angry forever.”

  “With you,” she mumbled. “You’re her dad. She can’t be angry with you forever. But with me… she can.” She sighed, dropping her head. “Theo, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Izzy. There were plenty of times when I wanted to give up on you—us—but I didn’t because I was torn. I love you… and I love her. But… I should have known this would happen. Look at us,” she whispered. “We don’t belong together. It may feel like we do, but we don’t.”

  “What makes you think we don’t belong together?”

  “Because, if we were really put on this earth to be together, Izzy wouldn’t have turned out to be my best friend of ten years, and you wouldn’t be her dad. There would be nothing to tie us. No one should have to get hurt because two people love each other.”

  Her eyes were glossy when she looked up at me again. She didn’t blink; she just watched my eyes until a tear slid down her cheek. I swiped it away with my thumb. The question I wanted to ask hurt. It made my heart pound, but not in a good way. I didn’t want to ask, but I also didn’t want to be selfish. She deserved better. Ten times better than me.

  “So what do we do from here, Chloe?”

  Her mouth sealed tight as she placed her arms around me. Her lips pressed on the sliver of skin revealed above my chest. Next, my neck. She pushed against me until I stepped back, landing in the captain’s seat again.

  Straddling my lap, she grabbed the hem of her shirt and tossed it. Then she reached for mine, pulling it over my head. Her eyes drifted down my bare chest and arms. She studied the tattoos carefully, and then she brought those beautiful hazel eyes back up when found the black tribal wave below my left collarbone. She leaned forward and pressed her smooth lips on top of it. Something about that created an ache within me.

  I felt empty.

  Hollow.

  Like I was slowly losing my grasp on her.

  Sliding off my lap, she bent over and unbuttoned my jeans. She slid them down to my ankles and did the same with my briefs. Her perfect mouth circled the head of my cock, and she filled her mouth, gagging only slightly, causing a deep groan to fill the air.

  “Chloe—wait, let me—”

  “No, Theo,” she whispered, pressing her hand to my chest and forcing me back. “No. Let’s make this one count. Okay?”

  She didn’t give me time to answer. Her mouth wrapped around me again, her tongue gliding down my shaft in the same amount of time. I watched her, and my eyes pricked with heat when I realized what was happening.

  She didn’t have to say it.

  I already knew.

  And the sad part?

  I still wasn’t ready.

  And though I wasn’t, I was still hard for her, her velvety tongue going round and round. I tensed and pulsed, on the verge of exploding, but she yanked way, slipping out of her skirt and panties with haste. Her body came above me, thighs outside my lap and the entrance of her pussy right above my cock.

  Her eyes, they filled with tears that didn’t need explaining, and as she rigidly slid down the length of me, her sadness spilled from her hazel eyes and streamed down her face. Her emotion gutted me. Her tears were the death of me.

  I held my knight close, feeling as her body rocked with me, our kisses coated with salty emotion. I hated shedding tears, but as she watched me while making the sweetest, purest love to me, I could no longer control my feelings.

  I was powerless as her pussy drenched my cock, and she cried my name, not only through pleasure but also with the pain that cut her deep. Skin slapped together, my hand gripping her ass as she bounced mercilessly.

  And then it came.

  I came.

  We came beneath bright, burning stars that admired us, twinkling with merriment. We came between voracious midnight waves and the silvery light of the moon. Her head fell back, and I sucked greedily on her skin, not ever wanting the taste of her off my lips. I dropped my head, yanking her top down and exposing taut nipples. My mouth stimulated, sucking each one leisurely, and then I brought my mouth back up to hers, forcing her head down and eliciting a thick and heavy whimpe
r.

  I crushed her lips, the passion all-consuming, kissing her like my life was ending. I kissed that beautiful girl like I loved her. Because I did love her, and I would have done anything for her to be happy again.

  But most of all, I kissed her like this, because I knew…

  I knew this would be it.

  This would be our last time.

  We stilled, gasping for breath, but it seemed neither of us could supply it. We suffocated as if we were under the water that surrounded us, sinking deep in our dark ocean.

  Once upon a time, our black sea was a miraculous place that we could share without worries. It was a place where we could be alone. We didn’t have to think. We didn’t have to fear. We just… were.

  I held her tight as she jolted above me, and when those beautiful, watery, hazel eyes landed on mine, I whispered, “I love you so fucking much, Chloe.”

  And her smile faltered. I witnessed the love she had for me, saw how much it broke her in two. Her bottom lip trembled, the dam wanting to break again. And she quietly whispered the magical words I loved hearing. “I love you, too, Theodore Black,” she said through a thick, wavering voice.

  We stayed on the boat, floating in the middle of the ocean, for nearly three hours. I held her, and she held me. We didn’t say much. There wasn’t really anything more we could say. We’d had our fun. Although it didn’t last as long as we’d planned, it happened, and that was all I’d wanted, after all. Another chance. Another shot at becoming someone better. I wanted to love her in all the right ways and with every single ounce of me. I didn’t care if she’d squeezed me dry, soaking up all my affections. They were hers to take. I was hers… all hers. I. Belonged. To. Her. I would always belong to her.

  Later that night, Chloe left me with one last kiss in my condo. No, she didn’t cave and come running back to me, confessing her truths and forgetting about all that happened an hour later. She was really gone.

  I know because I checked.

  There were plenty of unanswered calls and text messages. Fed up, I drove to Primrose Way every day for a solid week and a half about three days after our boat ride and never saw her car parked in the driveway.

  I saw no trace of her, and after only a month, I heard from one of my old neighbors that her house had been put up for sale. Her father moved to an apartment in Orange County with the caregiver at his side. Chloe’s number had also changed. The number had been disconnected. That drawn out beep and then the “We’re sorry, but the number you have reached…” absolutely gutted me to hear.

  I was ripped apart.

  Deteriorating.

  Dying little by little. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

  I never accepted her leaving. I never accepted it because I wasn’t ready to. I wanted us to have our happily ever after. I wanted Isabelle to accept the love I had for Chloe, but my daughter was stubborn and when she was angry, she was angry. She’d yet to fully accept my apologies. She brought the conversation up almost every time I called or saw her in person, but she was still my daughter, and she still needed me. She forgave me somewhat, but she hadn’t forgiven Chloe in the slightest.

  She was hard on her for no reason, and I told her that.

  I told her over and over again that it wasn’t her fault. I told her repeatedly that it was a mutual thing and that she had always been vulnerable to me. If anything, I should have been the one she never forgave, but Izzy saw it as nothing but her friend splitting them apart.

  Not that it mattered anymore. It was the past. I stopped going to Primrose because I had all the evidence I needed. Chloe Knight, my beautiful, little knight, was gone, and I knew I would never see or hear from her again.

  EPILOGUE

  Five Years Later

  Time is a tricky thing. It can be a mind game—a passing clock of deception, but it can also carry the gift of acceptance. Over time, I grew and became someone I never thought possible, and though it was hard getting over my past—my failures—I made do. I kept my head held high, even though some nights I would cry until I no longer could.

  I missed how it used to be and the people I used to hang with. I missed the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, kisses, and even the momentary conflictions I endured. I shouldn't have missed it. After so long, it all just seemed so unreal, so unlikely. I never thought I would end up in a situation like that, losing and walking away from almost everyone I loved. Shit, just being back brought back all the feels—a deep-rooted feeling that tugged and pulled at my heartstrings, but got me nowhere at all.

  It was July 18th. I would never forget that day. It was the day my dreams officially came true.

  I had an interview at 12:30 PM the day before, and though my nerves were frazzled, my palms sweaty, I knew I had aced it. I went in prepared, with my head held high and my mind focused on only one thing—becoming a second grade teacher.

  I got a call to come back in the next day. I figured they were going to reject me, but boy was I wrong.

  "Congratulations, Ms. Knight—the kids will love that name by the way—we believe you have the patience and energy a second grade class will need for Bristle Wave Elementary." Mr. Lint, a man in his mid-fifties with a bald head, square glasses on the bridge of his nose, and a bright white smile that, surprisingly, didn't come off unsettling, held his hand out, and I hopped out of my chair, shaking it swiftly.

  "Oh my goodness, thank you!" I tried hard not to bounce in my red wedges as he bobbed his head and then pulled away to pick up a manila envelope.

  "Of course. We are glad to have you as a part of our staff." After informing me there would be papers I needed to sign and bring back before August, I was out of Bristle Wave Elementary with the widest grin on my face. I rushed to my Escalade and immediately whipped out my phone to call Sterling.

  Yeah... Sterling Martinez.

  We had become really close, especially after I apologized to him about the whole Mrs. Black thing. He forgave me. No doubt. No questions. No hesitation. At first, he was only a friend. He listened and understood and even gave me space when I told him all about my last night on Dirty Black with Theo. Unfortunately, he was still in Arizona, but he was going to transfer to Bristle High the next school year to continue his teaching career. We wanted to be closer now.

  It was strange because, all that time I thought Sterling was a weirdo, he just really didn't know how to express himself around me. After months of texting and calling, checking up on me, and randomly asking me out on dates (which I had constantly turned down due to my damaged, no-good heart) he finally got to me. It wasn't during the best of situations. In fact, the situation was ten times worse than losing Izzy and walking away from the first man I ever loved.

  Dad died when I was twenty-four. Another stroke. It was very severe and happened when he was walking to his bathroom one morning. Margie and Sterling showed up at the funeral, and after shedding crocodile tears and hiding the pain that truly dwelled in my heart, I told them I would pack up the apartment my dad rented out.

  I also didn’t want Margie to have to deal with his belongings, the sweet memories of their tough two years together. Sterling volunteered to help me, which totally distracted me from having to think about the funeral. The next day, he asked me to join him for ice cream.

  He came down the hallway as I was tying my robe, catching a glimpse of my cleavage, and I covered myself as he cleared his throat, apologizing quickly as he whirled around.

  “Shit! I’m sorry.” He rushed away from the bedroom, but I called after him.

  “No, it’s fine,” I assured him. “What’s up? Need something?”

  “Nah… uh, never mind. I don’t think I should be bothering you right now.”

  “No,” I laughed as he looked every which way but into my eyes. “Sterling, what is it? Come on, spit it out.”

  He rubbed his face, and after his nervousness had passed, he said, “I was thinking we could go for some ice cream today. It’s nice out—and I swear I’m not asking for a date. I just want to give yo
u a little pick-me-up after yesterday.” His smile was charismatic, his grey eyes gentling as he squared his shoulders, most likely preparing for the rejection.

  This guy never gave up. Like, ever. “Sure,” I said.

  “Shit, I knew it.” He turned and started to walk out, but when he realized I wasn’t turning him down, he turned to face me again. “Wait—that’s a yes?” His face lit up.

  I grinned. He was so goofy. “Yes, Sterling. I’ll go with you for some ice cream. Just let me get dressed. I’ll meet you in the living room in fifteen.”

  His lips quirked up, and a breath of relief passed through them. “Okay. Fifteen.” He nodded his head and walked away, glancing back once before disappearing.

  Let’s just say having ice cream turned exactly into what he wanted it to be. A date. But the crazy thing about it? We actually hit it off. I didn’t know too much about him, but I connected with him in a way that was difficult to explain. I was comfortable with him, and I could truly speak my mind without feeling judged or ignored.

  We both were full of wonders and had questions that we'd always wanted to ask. Maybe all of those reasons were why I had fallen so hard for him.

  "Sterling!" I screamed when he answered the phone.

  "Shit, Chlo!" He laughed, and I blew a breath of relief as I focused on the building ahead of me. "Trying to blow my ear drum out?” he chuckled. “I take your excitement as you getting the position?"

  "Yes! Oh my god! I seriously didn't think I would! They were asking me all these questions about what I would do if a kid choked on a crayon or got lost during a field trip - ugh, it was insane, but apparently they loved me and they think I'm a good fit for their staff."

  "That's great, babe. I knew you'd get it. See, what did I tell you? I don’t know why you always doubt yourself."

  "I don’t know why I do it either." I sighed, and the line went quiet for a few seconds.