by Diana Scott
“She is another one of my stupid mistakes.”
“Don't talk like that, such a small and fragile thing cannot be called a mistake.” Raymond was sincere, holding his heart in his hand.
“If they declare me unfit to take care of her, I'm sure she'll win.”
“So that's it... Now besides being an idiot for losing the love of your life, you're a cocoon who wants to abandon his baby.”
“And what can I do?! If I ever manage to move I won't be half of what I was. I can barely take care of her, assuming I know how to do it.”
“You are her father. She needs you. You will learn.”
“No! She needs someone who knows how to love her. I only know how to spit hate and rancor.”
Reed breathes agitated as he hits the kerb with a clenched fist. His knuckles bleed, staining the water nearby, but he doesn't notice it. His body no longer hurts. Hatred and rancor take hold of his soul. He feels like a damn insensitive pig, dominated by darkness that he doesn’t know how to get rid of. It is the fruit of what they made of him. He lives in a hell that he is not capable of abandoning. Pain, fear, insensitivity, that's what his beloved father sowed very well inside him and that's all he has.
“Blackman, I've seen you look at her, maybe you didn't know how to love anyone before but your girl has taught your cold heart who to beat for someone.”
“She's not my girl and it doesn't matter anymore...”
“You love her.”
“Aren't you going to leave me alone?” He puts his elbows on the kerb and squeeze his face with his hands.
“Answer, accept it, you love her! Say it, you love her, don't be a coward, say it!”
“Yes, to the point of madness! That's what you wanted to hear, you fucking sadistic nigger. Yes, I want her, I think of her awake and asleep, I can't get her out of my head and I'm going crazy for not having her. I suffer every moment when I don't have her, are you happy?" He grunted like a wounded wolf.
“Yes, come on, man, make her your hope.”
“And let them kill her because of me? They will destroy her like they did with the naive Olivia?
“And do you think you'll save her from a wheelchair? Take pity on yourself if that's what you want, but you'll only get to see her in other arms.”
“Maybe that's the only solution.”
“Damn Blackman, if you want it, get up from that damn chair and put your shit together. Let her decide if she abandons you or wants a fucking asshole in her life.”
Raymond began climbing the steps of the pool leaving Reed wrapped in his own darkness.
Falconi knew exactly how Blackman felt about this woman and would not hesitate to attack her. Wheelchair or not, Reed would have to finish what he started or his love for Anne would be his own death. Anne symbolized everything to him. She had been his lightning in full darkness, she was the face he dreamed of at night and the one he begged for when he woke up.
Reed lifted his head and accepted his destiny: Raymond was right, he had to be strong, try to get up and fulfill his revenge or Anne would never be safe.
He lifted his head and smiled sideways with that sweet evil that characterized him when he discovered he was alone in the pool. The therapist was outside and dried up without the slightest remorse for having abandoned him to his fate, or rather to the fate of the water.
“Are you going to leave me here?”
“You can go out with the electric chair. Blackman looked at the chair inside and laughed sarcastically.”
“And can you tell me how the hell I'm going to catch it?”
“It's not far, it's just a couple of strokes," he said as he approached the curb. “Come on, Blackman, don't be soft.”
“Will you never stop insulting me?”
“Some would call it techniques of persuasion," he said, giving him an excellent view of his perfect teeth.
“Fucking son of a bitch...” He answered without being able to hide his equally sarcastic smile.
“As much as my patient deserves.”
Both laughed as Raymond pointed to the electric chair and Blackman accepted the challenge this time without hesitation. He had to fight and for Anne he would do it.
He stretched his body, mastered the pain, and shoved his head under water as he stroked with all he got. No one would try to hurt her without facing him first. He loved her too much to live in a world where she wasn't in. No, that did not represent any possibility. The universe began with her smile and ended on her lips.
Three is a crowd
“For how long are you going to push her like that?”
“I don't know what you're talking about. She's the one who wants to be here, I didn't ask for her sacrifice.”
“Come on, Blackman, that woman's got more in the last month than any professional doctor.”
“Then why am I still hanging on these god damn ropes?”
“Even if you deny it, you know that you are strengthening your lumbars more and more. Your body responds Blackman.”
“You'd better shut up...”
“Do you want to fool her?” He answered with an eyebrow.
“Hell no, I just don't want her to have any illusions about something I'm not sure about. Put me down at once, I can't carry that much dead weight anymore.”
“No way," he said as he hit the big red button on the wall and began to lower it into the chair. "Today is the swimming pool.”
“You'll drown me and you’ll end up in jail for life.”
“Better for me.”
“Do you want me dead?”
“I assure you that your fucking temper makes several of us have the same killer instinct.”
“Asshole nigger...”
“You know what that noise is?” He asked, looking to the sides.
“It's Anne's mobile.”
Reed quickly stretched out trying to reach the phone that was left next to the dumbbells. He wanted to read who the mysterious call belonged to. The damn mobile used to ring several times in the last few afternoons and Anne would retreat to a corner to talk low. Blackman looked at the screen in astonishment.
“Maurizio, who the hell is Maurizio?”
“Blackman! May I ask why you just cut a call from a phone that doesn't belong to you?”
“She's not here.”
“If she finds out, I don't want to be in your shoes.”
“What skin? What have you done now, Reed?” I'm smiling as I extend the little bottle of water.
“He's complaining that his salary should be increased. You see, he's never satisfied.”
“If anyone deserves a raise, it's Raymond.”
“He wants to put me in a pool and drown me like a poor, innocent kitten.” Reed's compassionate look makes me want to kiss him, but now is not the time.
“You won't drown! And underwater exercise helps you stretch your numb muscles.” Raymond answers a little bit annoyed.
“I'll tell you what's numb," he smiles obscenely.
“I don't think I can help you with that particular muscle," Raymond laughs eagerly.
Reed focuses his fiery gaze on mine and the intense red rises up my cheeks. The desire between us is too palpable to be able to hide it.
“The sooner we start, the sooner we finish," Reed answers in a hoarse voice as he keeps looking at me.
My phone rings insistently and I pick it up trying to breathe a little more calmly. Reed grumbles between his teeth and I don't understand why he suddenly changes his mood. Now what?
“Hello Maurizio...” I salute while I go away to have more intimacy.
Chatting with a good friend is the moment of relaxation I need to refresh my heated thoughts.
“I can see from your face that it's the same man you cut off five minutes ago.”
“That's what it looks like.”
“Ex-boyfriend, ex-husband?”
“Fuck you.” Raymond smiled shamelessly.
“And you're going to let him take her away from you? You know what you’re doing
, but such a beautiful woman with such a good heart is a coveted gift for many men.”
“It's not my problem, she's free and I'm...”
“If you say again ‘invalid’ I swear to you that I will plough you.”
“I was going to say ‘crippled’," he replied with a sneer.
“Either you stop being an asshole or you'll lose her.”
“I lost her a long time ago.”
“But she's here with you, don't be an idiot.”
“You fucking bastard, do you know how to shut your mouth?”
“Only when I sleep.”
Raymond smiled again and he was not able to show anger. He was a most peculiar physiotherapist but only he had the courage to tell someone like Blackman what no one would even dare insinuate.
“Let's go to the blissful pool and get this torture over as soon as possible.”
“Aren't you going to wait for her? Look, she just hang off the phone and she's coming back.”
Reed looked at her furiously. His jealousy came from his insides. He wanted to yell at her, to order him, He needed to know who the happy Maurizio was, and above all he wanted to tear off the demoniacal smile she was bringing. He wanted this Maurizio away from her phone, her house, her country and the solar system itself.
“Happy?”
“Excuse me?”
“Blackman, don't do it...”
“You're supposed to come and help me, but you spend the whole afternoon talking on the phone,” He spit foaming from his mouth.
“That's not true. I've been helping you with the exercises for an hour and my body is as tired as yours. You are very unfair, I have accompanied you in every training.”
“If you only know how to complain, you'd better go.”
“I'm not complaining, I'm just asking for a little understanding.”
“It's what I have to give, either you endure it or you leave.”
“You will be left alone...” I answer with sadness.
“I don't need you! Go with your little friend, he certainly understands you much better than I do.”
“What are you talking about? Why are you doing this?” I whisper trying to control myself. “I'd better go before I say what I don't want.”
“Don't stop yourself, I'm listening,” Reed grunted as a smiling nurse appeared out of nowhere, or so it seemed to him.
“Mr. Blackman, it's the girl's schedule.”
“Say it, don't feel sorry. Come on, say it. Come on, Anne, talk!”
“Mr. Blackman... the girl needs....”
“I'll go in a minute!”
“Go with your daughter, she needs you and waits for you even if you are a selfish wretch incapable of seeing what you have in front of you. You are blind with hate and you believe that you are the only one who suffers, but that is not the case. What dies is impossible to recover...”
“What does that mean?”
“See you tomorrow, Reed...”
“Don't bother coming! I don't want you to come back.”
“That's what you're trying to get, but I won't give you the pleasure. Tomorrow I'll be here and you'll leave that chair with my help... even if I lose you in the attempt.”
I hug my bag to get some warmth while I leave with my head bowed. Tomorrow will be another day and I really hope so, because day by day I lose tons of hopes one day I thought I had. My patience is running out and my love is suffering.
For better or for worse
“I know and I'm sorry...” I look at the phone annoyed, I'm glad it's not a videoconference, otherwise I'd have to apologize for another gesture.
“But you must try to understand my position. Brenda, you're my psychologist, but that doesn't mean you're always going to be right. You see, if you give me a moment, I'll explain it again, he's hurt and that's why he treats me like that. Abuse is something else. I understand because I'm partly to blame...
“No, no... wait... Yes, yes, you're right, I needed that time but we both have to admit that I left without looking back.”
I try to breathe and get strength but it's impossible, Dr. Klein has her tongue untied.
“Brenda please... I don't like this part of the therapy...” I move the mobile away from my ear before it leaves me deaf.
“Yes, I do. All right, I'll answer you.”
“Yes, he was going to marry someone else.”
“Yes, he hid it, but in his favor I have to...” I clench my left fist not to curse out loud... “Yes! I know the rules, I can answer them without a doubt...”
“Yes, I asked him, but...” I bite my tongue accepting the rules of the damn therapy.
“Yes, you know, I don't see why you have to repeat it, I'm not stupid but it's not comparable,” the cry of my name echoed from my mobile to the whole living room of my house.
“All right... the mistreatment doesn't just extend to the blows, are you happy?”
“Brenda, he's having a hard time and his reaction is logical. I will put up with everything I have to put up with if it brings him back.” I say in a firm voice as I listen to the doorbell and come closer to open the door.
“Come in,” I whisper to Jane while I cover the mike so Brenda won't listen.
“If you're busy, I'll come another time.”
“Don't even think about it,” I whisper with almost no sound.
My eyes must have been most eloquent because Jane came in and closed the door without complaining.
“No Brenda, I'm not trying to defy anyone but you must understand me. Yes, I promise to think about it. Now I have to cut, but I promise to take care of myself. Thank you very much.”
“Uff,” I puff high while I throw the iPhone on the sofa.
“I'm exhausted. Brenda has given me one of those Oscar-worthy sermons. I know perfectly well that she cares about me and that many of the reasons she gives me are more than logical but she doesn't know him as well as I do and doesn't know from all that Reed has had to go through. I know perfectly well that the treatments he gives me are not the best, but can I be sure that I would act differently? No sir, this is not a question of mistreatment like John's, this is pain and sorrow badly carried, who more than me to understand it ... Self-esteem questions my reasoning but I refuse to argue with her as well.
“Really, don't worry about me, we can meet some another time.” Jane clings to her purse as she tries to escape through the door.
“Don't even think about it... You and I have a pending conversation.”
Jane drops herself defeated on the sofa. She knows perfectly well that she can't get out of it. Of the two, one is more stubborn than the other, and there's no need to clarify it.
“What do you want to know?”
My sister is so shy and embarrassed that I feel like hugging her and crying with her. Wait a minute, cry? Why is she crying?
“Jane, you don't have to get like that. You are neither the first nor the last married woman to... I'd rather keep quiet.”
“To cheat on? You can say it, after all it's clear as the water.”
“That's not what I was going to say,” I feel mean but the situation requires it.
Jane looks at me attentively without believing my words but she is too upset to argue. I sit beside her and place my hand on hers as a sign of support. She smiles at me and heads down she speaks in a choppy voice.
“Always together?”
“You remember it.”
“Mom always said it, no matter how little good or how much bad, together until the end...”
“Exactly. Now tell me his name, although I think I know it.”
“I'm dying of shame.”
“Jane,” I extend the last vowel as a sign of confidence.
“Suraj. It's Suraj...”
“How was it?”
Jane looks up while I reply naughty.
“Well I don't want all the details... for now.”
We both had fun with the icebreaker joke and I take my opportunity to try to cheer her up. I thought she was uncomfortable an
d couldn't tell anything, but it turned out to be the opposite. Unexpectedly she starts to let it all go. No advertising breaks or pauses.
“It was one of those days when I accompanied you to the Temple of the Passions. The one I lost myself in. Do you remember it?”
“But that was months ago! I'm surprised," I said. “Sorry, sorry... I didn't mean to interrupt.”
“You introduced us at another time, and I thought he was interesting, but I didn't want to dig much further into my feelings. A handsome man like any other, or at least that's what I wanted to believe, and that's how it should have been, but I couldn't... I remember that when I saw him enter to the Temple, he intrigued me very much. I don't know why, but I wanted to know where he was going. I followed him discretely and...
“You followed him! You? You? Sorry, sorry, I'm not interrupting you anymore.”
“Yes, I, the most shy of the shy, the most cowardly of the cowards”.
“You're not a coward.” But I have a big mouth, I thought angrily.
“I followed him to the blissful Cinnamon Hall.”
“The Cinnamon Room?”
“Anne, I don't know how it happened, but I just let myself go. The atmosphere was so sensual, so carnal, so passionate and I have lived so little of all that, I thought ‘and why not?’ Please don't judge me, I don't think I can stand to see the judges of the Holy Inquisition in your eyes.” The woman begins to sob as she covers her face in shame.
“The Cinnamon Room? The Cinnamon Room! For God's sake, you won’t leave without telling me everything.”
“Don't you think that's not what's important?” Jane smiles for the first time when she notices my desperate interest.
“Come on, don't! I'm interested in everything, come on, don't leave details in the inkwell, in cases like these, details are the essence of gossip.”
“You make me laugh even if I don't want to.”
“Because it's not necessary to cry, what's done is done.”
“Anne, how could I get myself into this?”