by Diana Scott
I close my eyes and scold myself for being such a coward. Whenever I am in front of a woman that’s interested on him, I allow my mind to plot things that aren't there. Self-esteem don't run! I scream desperately as she tries to escape through the back door.
Wait a minute! She hasn't insinuated herself, maybe she's a cousin? Yes please, a cousin. Well any other degree of kinship would do me good too.
The transport chair lifts Reed above the water and brings him to his wheelchair. He stretches his arms and with great effort manages to reach it but I am unable to offer my help again, not after his reply. I cover myself with a towel trying to get my shit together together but I can't, that woman makes my skin ruffle. They both look at each other in silence, gazing at key messages that I can't decipher, and jealousy begins to eat at my insides.
“Shall I take you somewhere? I have to break that penetrating gaze they both have anyway.
“Anne, you have to go.”
“It's early and you still have time to...”
The brunette affirms herself to the back of his chair and he doesn’t contradict her. He doesn't shout at her, he doesn't get angry with her, he accepts her, what's going on here?!
“Dear, if you leave your data in reception, I will personally send you a check home for your... sporadic services. I don't think we'll ever need you again.”
I open my eyes, both in shock and angry. Sporadic services? Does she think I’m a whore? But who the hell is this cheap bitch?! She looks beautiful and perfect while I'm a squid wrapped in a horrible robe but I'm not a whore!
“I have no idea who you are but I think that's enough, you'll see, Reed and I are...”
“Collette is right. You can go.”
Reed has spoken to me as if he doesn't know me, as if what happened didn't just happen. It's cold, dark, without feelings. He only orders while he lies on his back accepting Collette's help. He takes me away from his side like an annoying summer fly.
“What's going on? You're not leaving. I want you to explain to me right now what's going on.”
“I try to speak serenely even though my nerves are all over the place. I stand in their way to block them. Collette smiles self-sufficiently as she brings her mouth closer to Reed's ear and says something to which he nods.
“Reed, who is she?”
“Darling, some another time I'll tell you what Reed and I do when we're together but now, if you'll allow us...”
Her words are a low and accurate blow. I lean on the bench because I fear I could fall. I feel like I'm losing my balance and I try to look inside for something to explain what's going on.
The sexy confidence of her words leave me unsettled, it is clear that she is not a distant cousin and that I am stupid. I hug the bathrobe trying not to cry. One look from him would give me the life I'm losing, but he doesn't look back. I desperately seek a sign that everything will be all right. I silently beg for comfort that I need but don't receive. Is this how it's supposed to end? In a second you die of love for one woman and the other you turn your back on another with longer legs and thicker eyelashes and that's it?
My heart aches and my head gets lost in way too defeatist thoughts when Raymond comes in agitated and stares at Reed without speaking.
“What's the problem?”
In the three months of treatment I've been with Reed, this it's the first time I've seen him address his therapist without any offensive qualifier.
“I received a call from Intensive Care, your wife has had several consecutive heart attacks.”
“Give me the shirt!”
Raymond has remained static and standing in front of the wheelchair. He doesn't move, he doesn't talk, he just looks at him.
“Collette, you'd better come back some other time. Raymond, don't just stand there like a good-for-nothing, take me with her.”
“Blackman,” Raymond speaks with sadness. “In spite of all the efforts, it hasn't been possible... I'm sorry.”
Reed throws a howl like a wounded wolf and I cling to the towel wrapping my own body.
“No! It's not possible,” Reed's heartbreaking scream pierces my heart. “Only a few days ago the doctors were surprised by the improvements. It's not possible, there has to be a mistake. You are mistaken... She is innocent...”
“I'm sorry, Blackman.”
Tears are now unable to remain hidden. I cry in silence, it's the saddest situation I've ever witnessed. The man I love and with whom I am madly in love mourns the death of his wife in a chair held by another woman, is there anything more unfair than this?
“She was innocent...”
Reed closes his eyes as he covers his face with his hands hiding his pain. My heart breaks when I see him. No matter how much damage his continuous refusals do to me, I want to be by his side, I want to caress him and give him my comfort but I am only able to look at him, I don’t dare to touch him. Tears fall silently on me. I also feel sorry for Olivia... What was she but another unfortunate one in the unfair game of love?
I think about leaving but it is his sapphire eyes broken by pain that looked at me until they penetrated me into the center of my being. My heart beats madly and tears spring up for him, for her, for us.
Reed looks at me and only at me. He slowly stretches out his hand, giving me the signal I need to jump into his arms. I kneel to remain at the same height as his chair as I embrace him tightly. His tears wet my hair and I feel the trembling of his body stuck to mine.
“I was supposed to protect her... she loved me and now she's dead...”
“It's not your fault, don't think like that.”
“You'll need to do a lot of paperwork, I'll take you with her,” Collette's coldness makes my guts turn with disgust. This woman is the worst of the harpies, doesn’t she intend to stop her conquest plan even in difficult moments like this?
“I'll do it, dar-ling,” I say confident while I get up wiping my tears.
I approach her side and push her with my hips to stay behind Reed's chair and take control. I may be a little insecure and often question everything but, my dear, if you want war you will have it. I know a lot of wolfs like and I also wear heels of thirteen centimeters.
“I don't know who you are and I don't want to know. I'm not going anywhere and I'll be by his side until he and only he asks me to go. Do you understand that, dar-ling?
The brunette looks at me strangely with my sudden bravery while Self-esteem shakes a speck of dust off her shoulder.
“Reed, who is this?” The brunette asks angrily.
“Anne, you have to go.”
“No! You need me. I'll be by your side, I won't leave you.” I moved quickly to look him in the face and lock him in my hands. I'll be ready in five minutes.
“Anne...”
“I'm never going to leave you again, I swear.”
“And I know it...” I perceive how grief takes hold of each of his words. “All right. Go and change. I'll wait for you at the door.”
“Well, in two minutes. It won't be more than that.”
“You don't have to run.”
“All right, it's all right. See you at the door,” I scream as I run to the bathroom to chanage myself and return to your side. I will be your support in bad times. We are not simple lovers, our lives are boats that were born to sail together. I know it and he just has to remember it.
“Raymond, take my clothes to the car, I'll change when I get there. Collette and I are leaving.”
“But you said you'd wait for her?” The therapist asked confusedly while the ebony goddess smiled victoriously.
“I won't do it.”
“But you just told her...”
“I lied! Damn it, I lied to him.”
“Collette, we're leaving.” The woman directed the wheelchair towards the entrance, enjoying the moment of glory.
I am petrified to see them leave the hospital. Reed has left me behind. He lied to me. He didn't wait for me. He got rid of me like you leave a dog on the road. A poor flea-bitten
mutt who wants no freedom other than that offered by the love of his only owner
Not everything goes
I lie on the couch as I open my white coat waiting for the only sincere company I have had in recent months. Three days have passed since my last painful abandonment. Three days in which he left me without an explanation. As a silly illusion, I ran to be by his side thinking that he wanted my company but everything turned out to be a crude lie to leave me behind.
I can imagine how much he laughed in the company of his beloved harpy with big, shiny black eyes. I behaved like a naive little girl. One who hasn't stopped crying since that afternoon, one who suffers grief-stricken inside but is unable to confess her sorrows to anyone. What to say or what to tell when you know that everything is totally and absolutely your responsibility? How many shames must a woman suffer to understand that they don't want her as she deserves? How many humiliations must we suffer to forget a love that only exists in our hearts?
Dr. Klein warned me of what may or may not be tolerable in a relationship but I did not want to listen. My longings were greater than my reasons and my ears closed in the face of reasonableness. The desire to cry and never come out again is as strong as the rage that grows inside me. My heart hates it with the same intensity that my aching soul is still searching for it. I try to find an explanation that allows me to continue loving him without feeling overwhelmed by the weight of stupidity. I look for something, anything that makes me reject the truth, that screams that he is an insensitive dickhead who made fun of me.
“Miss Foster, here we are. Nayade is waiting for you.”
The sweet nurse lifts the blanket that covered the face of my wonderful nymph. The little one shines a little brighter every day and her sweet smile is the only one capable of making me see life in another color.
“Thank you, Gertrudis, but we agreed that that name would be our secret.”
!Don't worry, miss, although I would have liked to say it out loud, I haven't seen anyone here either," she says annoyed as she places the little one on my chest.
The little girl recognized me instantly, or at least that's what I want to believe when I notice her smiling mouth. How can I not feel excited when her little hand presses against my chest looking for warmth?
“She already recognizes you.”
“I would like to think so.”
“She does, children know how to recognize love wherever they see it.”
I smile at my little friend without being able to take away the happiness I always have when I see her.
“I guess that he didn't come to see her today either,” I guess I can predict the answer.
“You thought well. Before, he used to pass by in the mornings and watched her behind the glass, but now I don't even see that. Miss Foster, I know you are his friend, but let me tell you that this man has no forgiveness from God, the baby needs him and he doesn't want to accept it. Did he love his wife so much that the fact of seeing the girl disturbs him in that way? Do they look so much alike?”
I sigh unwillingly and answer without really wanting to.
“The girl is just like her father in almost everything,” I leave the rest of the conclusions to her to answer by herself.
I don't feel like talking about Reed and his poor feelings.
“He hasn't been here for three days and since it coincided with the lady's death, I thought the same thing...”
“Gertru, I'm tired,” I say looking at the baby who was asleep with her mouth stuck to the curve of one of my breasts.
“Of course, I'll recline her seat so you can both rest at ease.!
“Thank you, Gertru.”
The nurse hit a cushion and gently placed it behind my head. The room was barely lit by the emergency lights and I feel that for the first time in the last three days I have found some peace. I cling to the little girl trying not to think that I will lose her too in a short time.
We both consoled each other in our solitude and learned to give each other tenderness, I don't want to think how we will feel when we are separated. At first, I thought I wouldn’t be able to love her but now my heart suffers from just thinking of the moment I will no longer have her with me. What was supposed to be just a couple of days turned out to be months, and now, and against all odds, I must admit that not only did I fall in love with her father but her daughter has conquered me to the point of madness. The girl seems to feel my affliction because she presses her little fingers against my breast and I melt with her caresses. The two of us are alone, the two of us are women rejected by the same man.
“Nayade, it seems that we are alone.”
I caress her delicate skin gently with my finger and she seems to understand me because she gives me the best side smile I have ever seen.
“Nymph of the lagoons... “
His deep voice resounds in the room and I prefer not to open my eyes. I don't think I can stand another outburst of bad mood and bad answers. I don't feel like arguing anymore. So many rejections and disrespect hurt and penetrate so deep that they become difficult to forget. I'm not a coward, I just don't want to suffer anymore. I bet and lost. End of the game.
“I'll call the nurse, I'll give you the baby. You don't have to kick me out," I said, head down and without looking him in the eye.
“I didn't know you were here and I'm not kicking you out.” The softness of his words baffle me.
That Collette must be good because she's achieved in days what I couldn't in months. Good for her.
“I come every night," I say as I deliver the baby to Gertru who appeared as soon as she heard his voice.
“Mr. Blackman, what a joy to see you.”
“Same to you,” he answers dry while I cover my breasts with my robe.
I feel naked outside and inside.
“Are you going to stay with the girl?” She asked with excitement.
“I only came to inform you that the girl is discharged.”
“You’re taking her...”
My soul falls to the precipice, I was also going to lose her. There's nothing left for me to feel hope for. Seeing her forced me to get up every morning but now, without my dear heavenly nymph, my life is transformed into a heavy, dark swamp.
“I thought we'd have some time left," I whisper to myself.
“Anne, why are you here?”
“That doesn't matter anymore.” I put on my slippers to get up from the sofa.
“It matters to me," he says in a broken voice. "Why you don’t look at me?
“Because I'm not interested, because I don't want to, because I don't care about you.”
“Don't say that.”
“And what am I supposed to say? Oh, right, maybe you were expecting a fit of anger or a fight for you in the mud against one of your little friends. I'm sorry, but that stupid lover who fought for love no longer exists.”
“You are being cruel," he says, nervously dragging his hand by his hair.
“The one you taught me,” I say it without thinking. “You have in front of you a new woman and it is your work, I congratulate you, you have sowed well.”
“Everything is ready for the transfer,” Collette's sweet and filthy melodious voice resounds from the door as I bite my tongue again without even looking at it. It is enough for me to smell her perfume to know that she wears the divine dress of death while I am covered in a hospital gown... Self-esteem kicks the ground feeling impotent.
“You around here?” She asks angrily.
“Don't worry, you won't see me again.”
I notice how Reed mumbles but I'm not interested in hearing it. Too much suffering is to have him in front of me and admit that I still love him enough to put up with his swear words. My heart beats madly and my hands fight against my reason for caressing him one last time.
“Thank you for not bothering us again... whatever your name is.”
When I have time, I'll write it on a piece of paper, now if you'll allow me, I'm leaving.”
I turn to the co
rridor with my clothes inside the bag, I think I'll get into the car in a robe. I want to go home and cry without interruptions.
“Anne! Anne... Wait for me...” He shouted trying to hold me by the arm but the discomfort of his wheelchair allows me to get out of his grip easily. I don't look at him, I don't stop. I leave with my heart broken in two halves. Father and daughter disappear from my life and I am not sure if I will be able to move forward.
Tears come out covering my eyes as I walk down the long corridor to nowhere. Now what? For a long time Reed has been the center of my desires, my dreams, my only meaning, now without him I find myself lost and overwhelmed. A deep emptiness crosses my chest and increases as I move away from his side. I tried to be happy, I believed in change for love, but it was all part of my own illusion. He will never change, he has never loved anyone, and he never will. Darkness is his only companion and simple women companions of occasion.
With family
“Are you a little distracted, or is it just me?”
“Stop laughing like an asshole and help me with this damned diaper.”
Blackman snarled as he moved the poor baby like a sack of potatoes and Gabe laughed out loud.
“When will you hire a nanny?” He asked as he lifted in his arms the little girl who smiled at him instantly recognizing his uncle.
“I've done hundreds of interviews but none of them matches the profile.”
“What profile? 6'2" blonde maybe?” Gabe kissed the baby's cheeks and lifted her over his shoulders while the little girl, almost five months old, gave him the most tender of her smiles.