by Alice Kirks
Alison had written all, but one.
The only letter from Robert, was the first she received, and heartbroken, she had cried over it many times since. Having brought her home to Spencer Manor in her state of ill health, he had left and never returned.
Though his letter had not shown the clarity she knew he was capable of, Katie was able to read between the lines.
Dear Katherine,
I hope this letter finds you well and improving in health every day. I have received word from Lord Sutton that you are gaining strength and for this news, I am both relieved and truly grateful. For I could not bear it, if anything were to happen to you.
What a mess we embroiled ourselves in. Looking back, it is hard to believe we were in any way, sound in mind. I send this letter to relieve you of any debt you feel you owe to me, as I can assure you, there is none.
Now that the truth has been brought out into the open, I feel it is best for the both of us to put this episode behind us. You are free to pursue your dreams of travel, as I am sure your father can see now, where he may have done you wrong.
I wish you all the best fortune for your future and your health Katherine, and I hope you finally find the adventure that you so eagerly seek.
Take good care.
Robert.
No matter how much she had ached for it to be true, he did not love her and never had. He was releasing her, letting her go, but it felt once again, more of a dismissal.
Just like the note he had given her when she left Winfield, the letter had been read and re-read many times, the paper now worn and creased and smudged. And just like that same note, he had simply signed the letter with his name. He had never Truly been hers, or Sincerely been hers, or Lovingly been hers.
Of course, whilst he was releasing her, he was relinquishing responsibility from himself also. For by letting her go, the bounds that tied him to her were now broken. Giving him free reign to tie himself to another.
Which, she would not necessarily have thought about, had she not received following letters from Alison. Of course, in her innocence, Alison only relayed what was happening in her day to day life. They had connected, and as the poor girl had once mentioned, she would love to have had a sister.
Whilst Robert was satisfied to cut all ties, Alison, on the other hand, was eager to strengthen them. Happy to have a female of at least a younger age than ancient, to be able to tell her troubles to.
Continuing the connection that had started on her arrival at Winfield Manor, she wrote her about the oppressive Duchess, how not much had changed since her departure. About her boredom and the necessity of her long lessons in the library.
She wrote about Lady Westland visiting and how welcoming The Duchess had been, and how long her visit had taken, especially talking to Robert. How she wished Katherine were there instead of Lady Westland, for the woman practically ignored her.
And so on, the letters continued.
It had been difficult for Katie not to feel so utterly heartbroken at the news, but she would never tell that to Alison and could certainly not discourage her from writing, as it seemed, she was some sort of release to talk to.
However, within her own heart, she knew she had now lost him forever. Lady Westland had won. Not that they were in competition, but the woman had not ever given up the fight to be the mistress of Winfield Manor. Katie had to admit, she was more than a little surprised at Robert, but perhaps, The Duchess and her demands were just too much for him and he had finally caved.
Nearly a week after the conversation with her father in the study, her mother, seemingly full of glee, practically danced into the drawing room.
‘Are you well mother?’ Katie asked, lifting her attention from the book she read, and more than a little concerned at her strange gaiety.
‘Of course, I am well. Can your mother not be happy? We have to get started, for there are lots of arrangements to make.’
‘Arrangements for what?’
‘Has your father not told you?’
‘You know well, father has little time for me of late.’
‘He just wants to see you settled.’
‘He just wants to be rid of me.’
‘Oh Katherine, do not be so dramatic.’
‘So, what is it that you are so gleeful about? Please tell, before I expire with the suspense.’ She spoke with sarcasm but the intention went completely over her mother’s head.
‘We are to have a ball.’
‘A ball? Why? I would have thought it the last thing we needed, more people traipsing through the house asking a hundred different questions about my life.’
‘Well, that is the whole point. Your father has decided that as your judgement on selecting a suitor is evidently, not to be trusted, he needs to take the situation in hand. He is holding the ball for you to meet a proper husband.’
‘He most certainly is not!’ Katie stood swiftly, dropping her book on the seat behind her.
Chapter 24
‘I will not do it.’ Katherine said plainly.
‘Then you will pack your bags and leave.’ Her father replied evenly, not bothering to look up from the letter he was writing.
Katherine had now realised that her father’s cold and distant attitude toward her, was not just a phase that would soon pass as it had in her younger years, for he had barely spoken to her since their last conversation in his study. Yet she still found it difficult to believe he would put her out of the house.
Standing now before him, it was evident, his desk was not the only barrier between them. With the balding top of his head her only view of him as he continued to write, she needed one final confirmation.
‘You will really do this? You will really put me out of my own home?’
‘I thought I made myself perfectly clear in our last discussion Katherine. You have brought shame to the family, to me, and to anyone that is connected to you. I cannot and will not tolerate it. You are left with the same two choices as before. Either way, you will leave this house.’
Despondency suddenly shrouded her, as she realised, she was not his rebellious little girl any more. There would be no more stamping feet and throwing her head up, only for the punishment of being banished to her room without supper. He had made his decision, and it was extremely explicit, his mind could not be changed.
‘Then may I make one request?’ Her tone was now softer, no longer to win him over, but with sudden resignation of the reality of the situation.
Her father carefully replaced the quill in the ink pot, sat back in his chair and regarded her. He shrugged his shoulders. ‘What is your request?’
‘Well, as you have clearly stated, my reputation is in ruins, apparently the entire country knows of my discretions. I would find it very difficult to show my face without utter shame.’
‘Go on.’
‘I would appreciate your consideration; if you were to make it at least a masked ball.’
‘I see.’ He regarded her for another long moment.
‘I understand the situation I have put you and mama in, and even Melinda and William. I will not be difficult. If you will do this, I will marry the first man who asks for my hand, but I beg please, that you consider my position and my request.’
‘I am not so ruthless that I would put your shame on display Katherine. If you will marry the first man who asks for your hand, then, I agree. Believe me when I tell you, I wish it had not come to this. But you have left me little choice. I enjoyed your rebellious nature when you were younger, it was often fun to watch you become riled when you could not get your own way. However, I cannot allow this behaviour to continue. You are a Lady, and inasmuch as it may appear to be in title only, as far as you are concerned anyway, you must learn, whether it befits you or not, to act like one.’
He sighed heavily and shifted in his chair. ‘I partly blame myself, for I indulged your whims far too often when you were younger. Had I been more disciplined, we would likely not be engaged in this conversation.�
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Having spent many years in the stables as a young girl, she had watched the stable hands breaking in young horses, whether they were to be used for hunting or pulling the carriages. She remembered almost willing the horse to fight, to keep their spirit, to buck against conformity and not give in.
But as she staggered from her father’s study and slowly made her way to her own bedroom, she suddenly realised what that exact moment felt like. That moment, when they finally gave, when they could take no more, giving up to their lot, and coming to a realisation that their master was greater.
Her master was not her father, or her mother, nor any individual thing. It was much bigger than that. It was the beast she had been fighting against her entire life, from childhood to now. The gargantuan monster that crushed and quashed individuality and creativity and independence. The beast of societalexpectations.
Fighting for freedom, for adventure, for travel, for independence and individuality, went against everything a Lady should be. Went against what was expected of her, no, demanded of her as a woman.
For the moment she had been born, her story had already been written, her life predestined. With little choice, or opinion on the matter, expectations were already in place. And why? Because of her sex. Because she was a woman born in a time where men ruled, and women who stepped out of their boundaries, were punished, scorned or ostracised.
Yet, even knowing all that, she had no fight left. Exhausted from a battle she could neither touch or taste or feel, she had lost. It had not been for the want of trying, or for how desperately she had wanted it. But she was not a mighty warrior like Aethelflaed, she could not protect or defend her ideals, as the fearless leader, daughter of Alfred the Great, once had. Broken, she would now give in. Surrender and conform. Conform to the master of expectations, for the idea of destitution terrified her too much.
Though the ball had been arranged for less than a week’s time, Katherine had decided to stay with Melinda and William. Her mother had not been at all pleased with her decision, telling her she could have done with her help, but Katherine did not much care.
Having given all she could of herself, she could neither tolerate her mother’s excitement nor her father’s withdrawal, and as their clear actions evidenced their desire for her to leave, she may as well spend her time with her sister and brother-in-law.
It felt as though it were a combination of several things. Probably, she was attempting to punish her parents, for they truly were selfish beings. Also, she could hardly stand to be there whilst the house was to be prepared for her departure—no, eviction. Granted, she would not need to leave immediately, but in the grand scheme of things, that was truly what her mother was getting herself excited over.
Her biggest reason though, was Melinda. For who knew what would result from this ball. This ridiculous tradition of what she almost viewed, as a meat market. A showing of wares to see who would be chosen. Yet who would she meet? Who would propose, if anyone? The uncertainty frightened her, for after the ball, her freedom of choice would be taken from her.
All her worry about Melinda’s reaction when she discovered her deceit with Robert, had been for nought. In fact, Melinda had been mortified, when, a week before her wedding and in tears, Katherine had confessed the lie and begged her sister not to hate her. Melinda had hugged her so very tightly and, in some way or another, called her all the silly names she could remember. For she loved her, and made it clear, there was nothing Katherine could ever do, that would make her hate her.
Katherine had promised her father she would marry the first man who offered, but under those circumstances, she may end up anywhere in the country. If it were to be hundreds of miles away, she wanted to spend as long as she could with her sister.
As they sat in a resigned silence at dinner one evening, Melinda made an attempt at conversation. Yet, once she began, Katherine wished she had remained quiet.
‘It is not too late Katie. Would you not attempt to contact Robert? Perhaps there is yet still hope?’
‘There is no hope,’ Katherine sighed, pushing her food aimlessly around the china plate. ‘I have already informed you. Lady Westland has his attention now.’
‘You do not know that for certain.’
‘It is acutely obvious Melinda.’
‘But you still love him.’ Mel protested.
Katherine sighed heavily, but did not reply. Melinda did not fully comprehend how fortunate she had really been with Lord Sutton, for without any of the pomp and performance, they had found each other and fell deeply in love. It was not unheard of, but not very common.
‘You do still love him, do you not?’
She feared if she did not give her younger sister an answer, the subject may be regurgitated for the rest of the meal, and she would be tortured beyond more than she could bear.
‘Yes!’ She huffed. ‘I do still love him. I have loved him from before we married and I will probably continue to love him for a long time yet. Now, can we please discuss something else.’
Katherine caught the saddened look shared between the newly-weds, but chose to ignore it. The last thing she needed, along with everything else, was their pity. It was a degradation of her spirit. A reminder of all that she had fought for, and all that she would have to relinquish.
At this moment, her own thoughts were enough to have to tolerate, what she needed from Melinda and William, was distraction. The last vestige of happiness before her life sentence began. For that is the only way she could vision her future. And since her father’s stipulations, it had been so very difficult to bring herself to terms with it.
Thankfully, taking the reins, William regaled them with his visit to the city of York and all he had witnessed on his trip. Visiting his cousin, they had come upon a street performer who had managed to fold himself with such dexterity, that he had climbed into a small box no bigger than an orange crate. William was quite astonished, and had he not seen it with his own eyes, would have struggled to believe it, had he heard it told to him.
In the evening, the three had played cards and now that they were married, entertained Katherine by telling them of all the near misses that had happened when they had been secretly courting. For the most part, they had avoided detection, but at one point, William had scurried into the coal shed to avoid being seen by Lord Ennis. The two tittered joyously when they relayed the state he and his clothes had been in, when coming out.
Once retired to bed, Katie sat and smiled to herself. They were such a perfect match, and no matter what else would happen, she knew, they would be deliriously happy together for the rest of their lives. If that were the only consolation she could take from this entire situation, she would treasure it. Her sacrifice had been worth something, for at least, her sister had found happiness.
Chapter 25
The musicians played beautifully, food had been prepared and a buffet table of small snacks sat, set out for the guest’s perusal and choice. The ballroom had been decorated in wreaths and seasonal flowers, along with ribbons and ties. Her mother really had gone all-out in her display.
The week had passed so very quickly, between the gentle times she and Melinda had spent together in the garden when the weather had permitted, and the visit to choose a gown for the ball. Her mother had been more than disappointed that she would not be with them to help, but she really was the last person Katherine would have wanted to be present.
Instead, she had trusted her sister’s judgement and they had selected a beautiful satin navy blue gown that fitted her slender form. The mask had been made to match the material, bejewelled with tiny crystals, a soft, sultry piece. In place of choosing a handheld design—for Katherine worried, when asked to dance, that her face may be seen—a soft matching ribbon had been sewn into each side, enabling her to tie it about her head.