by Alice Kirks
‘It brings out the sapphire in your eyes.’ Melinda smiled gently.
Katherine dropped her gaze and buried her overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. Had this shopping visit been for any other reason, it would be an enjoyable experience, spending the time with her sister. However, they were picking a gown to auction her off in, and though not wholly true, that was certainly how it felt.
Taking a step toward her, Melinda rested her hand on Katherine’s arm. ‘I know how much you hate this entire situation my darling, and I am so truly sorry. I really wished I could have changed papa’s mind.’
‘He was determined in his decision Mel, there was little you could have said or done to change it.’
‘I know but,’ Melinda hesitated. ‘This is all my fault. If William and I had just been more courageous and come out with our love sooner…’
‘Do not dare do that!’ Katherine reprimanded. ‘Do not take that on your shoulders. You know as well as I, father was determined to have me married off and away. If it had not been William, it would have been another. I chose this path Mel. I decided, that if I were to be pushed into a circumstance I would detest, it would be on my terms.’
‘And yet, I feel so badly for you. You are in love with Robert and he can never be yours.’
Katherine sighed. ‘Yes. Well. That was my doing alone. For I too should have been more courageous and told him. If I had, at least I would know.’
‘Know what?’
‘Whether he ever felt the same way. I thought he may have, at one point. It appeared that something may have come of our time together. And then I fell ill…’
‘And he left.’ Mel added.
‘Yes. And then he left.’
‘I cannot stand that you are to be so miserable Katie. You are to be trapped. My heart aches that I can do nothing to stop it.’
‘You are hardly making me feel any better with your pining’s.’ Katherine smiled at her.
Mel laughed, but with a tear in her eye.
‘All will be well. You will see. I will live in a big house, with some pompous Lord, have twenty-two children and grow old and fat.’
Mel laughed again and suddenly, threw her arms around her sister’s neck, burying a sob into her shoulder. The two embraced each other tightly for a long time. Her dearest friend and closest ally, they had protected and been there for each other all their lives. It was not the end. Not yet.
***
To say her nerves troubled her before she left her room, would be utterly understating her feelings, for Katherine was near terrified. Even the ability to hide behind the mask, did not assist her, for her shame was now something she owned, deep within. A part of her so intricately entwined that, no mask could protect her. Neither could any marriage or connection with another, separate her from it.
Evidently, her affairs had been gossiped about to a far distance, but that was not the depth of her feelings. The embarrassment may be one thing, the feeling that she had failed so terribly, seeped much deeper. Not only in her union with Robert, but in her own ability to keep hold of the man that she still loved.
Of course, her failed marriage, is what most people would see. That she must be defected in some way if her husband no longer wanted her. Yet she did not even care. Her heart was so utterly broken, that the whole world could gossip if they so wished. For her, she had lost the only man she had ever loved, and would ever love for any time she could see in her future.
Along with it, and almost more so, yet not quite, came her shame of giving in. Giving up her hopes and dreams and all that she held dear, she would now have to degrade herself downstairs. To play along with societies expectations and perform in a way that she had fought against for so long.
Giving up that battle, she felt her identity slipping from her, and a feeling of betrayal not only to her own self, but to womankind. For how could a wider change ever occur, if battles such as these, were lost.
A knock at the door interrupted her torturous thoughts. The door opened and Melinda stood, smiling resignedly. The sadness in her eyes revealing the unspoken knowing of her sisters’ plight.
‘It is time.’ Melinda said, reaching an outstretched arm to take her hand. ‘Come on, we can go down together and blend in, for there are many already arrived.’
Heaving a sigh, Katherine pushed herself from the chair at her dresser and turned and walked towards her sister.
‘You do look so beautiful my darling.’
‘Well, I suppose that is the whole point, is it not?’ Katherine replied, taking her sisters hand.
With arms linked, they glided down the stairway together, a turmoil of twisting snakes seemingly fighting amongst themselves in Katherine’s stomach. The sensation, her nerves on edge, made her feel quite sick, but there was little she could do. She must face this night and be done with it. There were no more choices.
Easily, the sisters slipped into the throng, for the crowd was vast. It appeared the gossip had brought all the rats from their holes. Though she knew, many of the younger women here, had arrived for their own advantage, for they too, were looking for a match.
It did not take long before a dashing looking gentleman asked her to dance. With the noise of the crowd, it was more suggested than spoken, but it was not difficult to ascertain. Tall and well presented in dark blue, he had appeared to be around her age, but with the masks covering all of the faces, it was difficult to tell.
He danced well, and looked down at her several times. Katherine smiled politely and looked away. This torture may well have to be endured, but she refused to act as though she were enjoying it. There may be a rebound in her thinking, for if she did not appear at least a little appeasing, she may make herself undesirable, but she had truly lost the will to care.
Whimsically, looking about her at all who had attended, it occurred that there were so many sheeplike minds in the room. The mother’s pressing their daughters to find a match, the young men, gauging and judging the women on their appearance only, the father’s, standing proudly, thinking themselves rulers of all their domain.
It was so utterly ghastly. And yet so unequivocally accepted. She imagined there was not another soul in that room who thought as she did, for otherwise why would they be there? Perhaps, there were a few daughters, forced or cajoled by their mother’s, but by their faces, most of the young and available women, frolicked in the male attention.
After several more dances with interested prospects, Katherine was led to the floor by an older gentleman—she could tell by the shape of his fattened chin, and the slight greying of his hair.
As the music began and with little warning, the silvery grey tufts of his side whiskers reminded her of that horrible night and she was suddenly whisked back to Baron Ravenscroft’s kitchen in her mind. The darkened room, the burning furnace, his ominous approach—fear gripped her at the vividness of the memory.
Just as then, her panicked impulse told her to run, to escape, but she could hardly run from the dance floor. It would cause a spectacle and bring even more attention to herself, and there seemed enough for the gossipers to chew on already.
Instead, she willed herself to remain steadfast, to dance, and concentrating on her breathing, attempted desperately to distract herself. For whilst the memory of the Baron bearing down on her felt both prominent and terrifying, she could not allow it to control her.
Battling with her internal self, Katherine forced herself to go somewhere else in her mind. The only thing that came to her randomly, was the thought of riding her horse. Evidently, if she could not physically escape reality, she could at least imagine it.
The dance continued, as the man whirled her and gripped her. His every touch making her want to recoil as the music played. The thundering horses’ hooves pulled her out of the ballroom, as she rode the steed across the open countryside. Pounding relentlessly against the grassy fields. And still the music played. Birds flew from the fields at the thundering approach of the grey beast. The wind blasting against
her face, her hair sweeping behind her. And the man handled her waist and whirled her once more.
Gripping the reins tightly, Katherine’s heart beat hard at the speed of the gallop. Readying herself for the approaching hedge, body tensed against the saddle. The old man linked her arm and twirled her, side-stepped and swayed beside her, only to grip her again. And then suddenly, the horse jumped a hedge, landing heavily on the other side. The music finally came to an end, and completely unaware of her inner turmoil, he smiled and bowed perfunctorily at her.
Her heart beating hard, and a little breathless, she returned with a bow of her own. The music started up again, and, desperate to excuse herself, she turned to leave the room only to be whisked to the floor by another partner, for yet another dance.
Oh, was this night never to end? Was she not allowed to be alone for five minutes to gather herself? This new partner had hardly bothered to request her permission, but, she supposed, she should get used to that now.
Averting her eyes for most of the previous dances, Katherine had attempted to hide her despair and contempt for this entire circumstance. One could only pretend so much, and with the overwhelming feelings she had been dealing with over the last few weeks, this night was proving to utterly drain her.
And yet, as the music played, and the steps of the dance ensued, some force she could not name, dragged her eyes to look up at this man. Dressed in black, his mask covered his whole face, yet she could tell he was young, maybe her age, or a little older.
Broad shoulders fitted well into his jacket, and though she could not be certain, she sensed a familiarity about him. As her heart settled, and the memory of the Baron faded, she focussed her concentration on the way he moved.
She knew it was not William, for he had chosen a golden cravat to match Melinda’s mask, besides, William was much too narrow in the shoulders. Yet, she did not know many other people of this man’s age. Only a few of the stable hands, and they most certainly would not be present. Her mind travelled through the small group of peers that she may have met, but struggled to find any matching this person.
Perhaps she knew him from the hunts. She had been on many of those, and there always attended a varied array of men, young and old. Even at the last hunt there had been quite a crowd. The last hunt, where she had fallen from her horse and been saved. Saved and rescued by a man around her age, with broad shoulders that fitted well into his jacket.
Chapter 26
It was not him. It could not be him. Katherine’s exhausted mind appeared to be playing tricks on her, for Robert was back in Kent, more than likely wooing Lady Westland. And why would he return anyway? He had made it perfectly clear in his letter that he felt nothing for her. That he did not love her, nor ever had.
Besides, how could he even have known about the ball, she had not mentioned it in her letters to Alison, and she was more than certain, he would not have received an invitation from her father. Yet this man was just the right size, the right shape, and his movements—from her memory—were just as Robert would move, for she had, without him knowing, observed him often.
Having averted her eyes from all previous dance partners, Katherine could not now peel her gaze away from him. The more she watched, the more she convinced herself that her first assumption was correct. In desperation to know, her impulse to leave the floor pulled at her. But what if she were mistaken? What a fool she would look then.
Eventually, the dance ended and without a word, he led her off the dance floor. Guiding her by the elbow, they moved through the people, across the room and towards the French doors. With a gesture, he invited her to step outside in front of him, and once outside, he closed the door behind him.
The music continued, now dulled through the glass doors as they stood on the terrace in the cold evening air. Katherine, with her heart thumping desperately in her chest, turned to look at him. And at that moment, he pulled his mask from his face.
‘Oh, God!’ Katherine near choked, for she had no other words. A sound between a sob and a harsh breath escaped from her. He had come. Robert had actually come. She did not know how he was there, or why he was there, but with her hands at her mouth, she remained, frozen to the spot in shock.
Shock mixed with joy and relief and delight. But then confusion and slight despair, for perhaps, he had not come to save her at all. Perhaps he had come to tell her he was to be married to Lady Westland, or that Alison was unwell. Her mind raced with ridiculous thoughts that she felt powerless to stop, as she just stared, hardly believing that he stood there before her.
His face held a soft smile and eventually, he took the several steps towards her that closed the distance between them. Gently, he slid her own mask from her face and gazed down at her.
‘I have so very much missed you Lady Ennis.’ He said most tenderly.
‘Lady Ennis is my mother.’ She replied.
Robert suddenly beamed down at her, with a stuttered chuckle. ‘Indeed. Yes, that is what I have missed. Your wit, and your smile, and your laughter and well, just everything.’
‘I do not understand. How are you here?’
‘Horse.’ The corner of his mouth turned upward.
Katherine laughed then, for how could she not. It was evident he had not arrived here to tell her of his impending marriage to Lady Westland, nor of any terrible calamity that had befallen Alison. He was here for her; he had come back for her.
‘I think you know what I intended with my question.’
‘Of course.’ He smiled. ‘I have kept in touch with William. We are good friends and write often. He wrote me and told me what your father was planning.’
‘I see. So, you are here to save me from my father, yet again?’
‘No Katherine. I am here to do what I ought to have done from the beginning.’
‘Which is?’
‘To court you properly, to court you the way I ought to have done from the start, for as soon as I first noticed you at the hunt, I felt eager to make your acquaintance.’
‘Then I am confused. For why did you not?’
‘Things became quite complicated rather quickly if you recall. For I had barely rescued you before I was suddenly told I was your intended.’ A smile danced playfully on his lips
Katherine blushed crimson, reminded suddenly of that day at the inn. Of the farce she had been pushed into. The extreme measures to save Melinda and William’s secret and to ensure, William did not marry the wrong sister.
On their journey home to York, Katherine had confessed the whole thing to him, but even at that time, was feeling horrifically unwell. After him disclosing his own deceit, and taking the entire blame on his shoulders, the guilt had eaten away at her, and she had promised herself she would tell Robert the truth.
Yet the confession had barely left her, before her body had eventually caved, unable to continue functioning under the extreme lack of nourishment. She had not spoken to or seen him since. And now, a fresh wave of shame washed over her.
‘Please Katherine, do not be so harsh on yourself. Your reasons were true. You did what you felt you had to, in order to save the fate of your sister. Not all decisions are black and white.’
‘But what of Lady Westland, for Alison told me in…’ She suddenly trailed off, realising her betrayal to his younger sister.
‘Ah, Alison has been keeping you apprised, has she? Please, do tell me, when is Lady Westland moving into Winfield Manor?’ He prodded, teasing her.
‘Well, Alison did not quite know, I suppose, all the details. Just that, she was at the manor for quite some time.’
‘Indeed, she did not know all the details. She did not know, I can imagine, that it was in fact, the very last visit Winfield will have from Lady Westland. For she will not be back. Having discovered I am penniless, and that we would spend our future living on limited means, she suddenly did not think she could make me happy anymore.’