The Only Child

by Mi-ae Seo

  She hastened to open the gate, and led the movers to Hayeong’s room on the second floor. She had cleaned the room before going out, so the furniture was promptly put in place. Once the furniture was set up, everything followed smoothly.

  Seonkyeong had given Hayeong her things to take upstairs the day before, telling her to put them away herself since they were hers, but opening the wardrobe now, she found them still in their packages. She took the bedspread and the blanket out of their packages and put them on the bed, and hung the clothes on hangers and put them in the wardrobe. The underwear and the socks, she folded and put in the new dresser. She placed the bag and the stationery on the desk, and realized it was past lunchtime.

  She went down to the first floor, got herself some water from the fridge, and thought for a moment to see if she had left anything out. The first thing that came to her mind was a computer. She should get Hayeong a laptop, she thought. She would need one, since even elementary school children used the Internet. She thought she should leave that to Jaeseong, though. Going shopping together on his day off would appease Hayeong’s mood.

  Catching her breath at last, she went into the living room, and thought of the teddy bear in Hayeong’s room.

  Because the bear was dirty, she had taken out the blanket Hayeong had used to be washed. She decided that the bear should be washed as well. She went back upstairs and brought the stuffed animal down.

  She filled the tub with water. She put some detergent in the water and worked up a lather, and put the stuffed animal into the tub. As she squeezed it with her hands, dirty water oozed from it. It hadn’t been washed in so long that no matter how many times she rinsed it, the water that came out was still murky. The original white color of the stuffed animal was restored only after she had struggled with it for an hour.

  She put the stuffed animal in the washer for a spin cycle, and collapsed on the sofa, utterly worn out. She felt good despite her exhaustion.

  She happily pictured Hayeong, pleased with her new furniture, new blanket, and her clean teddy bear. She looked at the clock and saw that it was almost two already. She rushed to her feet and began to prepare a snack for Hayeong. Only then did she realize that she hadn’t eaten lunch. She could imagine how busy her friends with kids must be all day.

  Time passed too quickly, and the tasks were endless.

  The washer beeped, signaling the end of the cycle. The stuffed animal was as fluffy as new and smelled nice. Seonkyeong hung the laundry to dry and was going into the living room when Jaeseong called. He said he was leaving work early, which he hadn’t been able to do in a while, and told her to get ready to go out as soon as Hayeong came home. She had told him the night before to pay some attention to Hayeong because she was sad, and he seemed to have taken it to heart.

  Hayeong came home around two thirty. There were a lot of things Seonkyeong wanted to ask her, since it had been her first day at school.

  “How was school? Did you make any friends?” she asked.

  Hayeong seemed tired, and went upstairs without an answer.

  “Your dad will be home soon. Get some rest, then get changed and come downstairs,” Seonkyeong said.

  Thinking the heat must have wiped her out on her way home, Seonkyeong quickly went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. If they went out as soon as Jaeseong came home, they would probably have lunch together, so she didn’t take out the snack she had prepared. She took out some cold juice instead and poured it into a glass. She put the juice bottle back in the fridge and turned around, just as Hayeong came stomping down the stairs, looking as if she were about to pounce on Seonkyeong.

  “Did you go into my room?” she demanded.

  “Huh?”

  Seonkyeong wondered what was wrong. Of course she had, to set up the new furniture, and put things in order. She felt bewildered, not knowing what the problem was.

  “Where is it?” Hayeong demanded again.

  “Where’s what?”

  “My teddy bear.”

  Relaxing, Seonkyeong smiled and said, “I washed it, because it was quite dirty.”

  “Where is it, I asked!” Hayeong screamed, before Seonkyeong had even finished speaking. Glaring at her, Hayeong looked more fierce than Seonkyeong could have imagined her to be. Stunned, Seonkyeong couldn’t say a word.

  Hayeong stood there glaring at her for a moment, then ran outside. Seonkyeong’s mind went blank. Hayeong’s face, screaming at her, haunted her.

  Hayeong, who had been to the veranda, was holding the teddy bear in her hand. Without even glancing at Seonkyeong, she stomped back upstairs. Seonkyeong felt confounded. She had been so happy, running around all day getting things done for Hayeong, but the feelings of happiness had vanished into thin air. She couldn’t, however, return anger for anger. She took a deep breath, calming herself, and called out to Hayeong in her usual voice.

  “It’s not dry yet, Hayeong. Bring it down.”

  It would take at least three days for the stuffed animal to dry completely. But the child neither came down nor answered. Seonkyeong listened carefully, but she couldn’t hear anything from upstairs. She called out again, but to no avail. Having no choice, she went upstairs.

  She opened the door and was about to go in, but then stopped. To her shock, the room was in complete chaos. Strewn all over the floor were torn fabric, lumps of cotton filling, and little Styrofoam balls.

  “What . . . what are you doing?” she asked in horror.

  Hayeong was cutting up the teddy bear’s belly with scissors. Having trouble doing so, she hurled the scissors aside and ripped the fabric with her hands, and dug out the animal’s insides. Having emptied the belly, she picked up the scissors again and attacked the bear’s head. The scissors punctured the fabric without a hitch and penetrated deep inside. She didn’t even seem to notice Seonkyeong.

  “What are you doing? Stop it this instant!” Seonkyeong shouted, running over and grabbing her arm. Hayeong shook her hands off violently.

  “I said, stop it!” Seonkyeong repeated.

  She held out her hands again, and the child lifted the scissors high in the air, glaring at her. She looked as if she would lunge at her, scissors in hand, at any minute. Her eyes were ablaze. Seonkyeong had never seen anyone look so furious. She wondered if Hayeong was indeed an eleven-year-old child.

  Frozen to her spot, Seonkyeong stared at her, speechless.

  The scissors, still in Hayeong’s hand, glittered in the sun. The glittering light flew swiftly toward Seonkyeong. She shut her eyes tight and turned aside just in time, barely preventing the blades from hitting her face. She felt a sting in her arm, though, and turned her head to see a red line on it. Blood seeped from the cut.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Seonkyeong asked.

  “Get out!” Hayeong shouted.

  Seonkyeong’s words didn’t even make her blink. On the contrary, she glared at her with cold eyes, her expression unchanging, and screamed, “Get out of my room! Get out!”

  From her mouth poured out curse words Seonkyeong had never even heard before. Looking at the child hurling abuses right before her eyes, Seonkyeong lifted a hand without realizing it. Rage overshadowed reason. She felt blinded.

  She slapped her on the cheek, and Hayeong froze. Seonkyeong was just as shocked. She finally came to herself; she could not believe she had slapped the child. They had engaged in a war of nerves since day one, but Seonkyeong had never gotten so worked up. She looked at Hayeong, who had gone pale.

  Hayeong dropped the scissors.

  “Ha-Hayeong, are you all right?” Seonkyeong asked stammeringly, and went to the stunned child and felt her cheek. Hayeong’s stiff face turned back into that of a child, and she burst out crying. Her eyes instantly welled up, and shed big drops of tears. Seeing her expression change in a single moment, Seonkyeong felt dumbfounded.

  The child, her hands outstretched, walked past Seonkyeong toward the door, and cried, “Dad!”

  Startled, Seonkyeong tu
rned around and saw Jaeseong at the door.

  She didn’t know when he had come home, but by the look on his face, she guessed that he had seen her hitting the child. Holding Hayeong in his arms and comforting her, he looked at Seonkyeong with a stony face. His cold eyes showed his disappointment in her.

  She understood why Hayeong’s expression had changed in an instant. She felt goose bumps rise all over her body. She could not believe the child’s cunning performance. Her chest felt heavy.

  Jaeseong’s reaction wasn’t the problem. She could talk to him later and resolve the misunderstanding. What she found disturbing was the instant change in Hayeong’s facial expression. It wasn’t that of a child, stunned at being slapped on the cheek, seeing her dad, and crying with pent up emotion. The momentary change had been one of reason, not of emotion. She had seen the child’s true intention in her eyes as she ran to her father. Her action had been calculated.

  Hayeong knew what kind of feelings she would stir up in people by acting a certain way, and acted accordingly. How was she able to do that in such a brief moment? Seonkyeong was astonished at her cleverness, and wondered again what kind of environment she had grown up in.

  After watching Hayeong bawl in her father’s arms for a while, Seonkyeong left the room without a word. This required serious discussion with Jaeseong. But first, some time had to be allowed for him to placate Hayeong.

  Seonkyeong went into the study and calmed herself. She didn’t know how she should act toward Hayeong from now on. She was also worried about how Jaeseong would react, having seen his daughter getting slapped before his very eyes. No excuse could pardon what she had done, not even in her own mind.

  Just as she had expected, he was quite upset with her. He soon came into the study, and stood silently looking out the window for a long time. Then he brought a chair over and sat facing her.

  “Will you explain what happened?” he asked, sounding calmer than she had expected.

  The calm voice, however, made Seonkyeong feel more nervous. He was someone who became quiet when he was angry.

  “It was . . . yes, it was my fault that I hit her. I must have gone crazy at that moment. I . . . I couldn’t put up with her screaming and cursing at me,” she said.

  “Why did she scream and curse at you?”

  “I don’t know why she became so furious.”

  “Something must have happened.”

  “It was just her teddy bear. You saw how dirty it was. All I did was wash it.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Nothing else besides that. She looked for the teddy bear as soon as she came home, so I told her I’d washed it, and . . . she took it upstairs when it was still wet, and tore it up like that.”

  Seonkyeong felt goose bumps rise again, thinking of Hayeong tearing up her cherished teddy bear to pieces. Where had such rage come from? Her face, as she cut up the teddy bear and glared at her, had almost made Seonkyeong’s heart stop. She didn’t want to admit it, but honestly, she felt afraid. She was afraid of the child. The fear had made her slap Hayeong’s cheek.

  Jaeseong wouldn’t understand. How could she tell him that she was afraid of his daughter?

  Something has to be done. Some kind of a measure has to be taken, she thought.

  15.

  AFTER HER DAD WENT OUT OF THE ROOM, HAYEONG WENT limp and dropped to the floor.

  Something awful might have happened if he hadn’t come in time. Looking at the scissors on the floor, Hayeong thought of Seonkyeong’s face. She had really wanted to stab her. She couldn’t understand, no matter how she thought about it. How could Seonkyeong touch someone else’s belongings? Thinking about her, Hayeong felt angry again.

  She grabbed and hurled whatever came into her hand, screaming. Then it occurred to her that her dad might come up if she went on screaming like that. She didn’t want to listen to him nagging again. She had to be quiet.

  On her first day here, he’d taken her into his arms and whispered, “If you want to live here with me, you have to listen to her.”

  Because of his words, she’d put up with everything, no matter how much she disliked something.

  She didn’t complain, even when Seonkyeong picked out old-fashioned clothes. Kids her age didn’t wear stuff like that. As if playing dolls, Seonkyeong had taken her shopping, making her try on one thing after another, when she herself was the only one who was enjoying it. Hayeong was hungry and her legs hurt, but she’d put up with it because of what her father had said.

  There was a pink blanket on the bed. The moment she came home and saw the blanket, she felt like puking. She didn’t let on because Seonkyeong was at her side, but she got the creeps thinking she had to sleep under a pink blanket from now on. On top of that, the curtains were made of pink-and-yellow-green-checked fabric. When she came into her room, she felt sick to her stomach because of all the crazy colors. Pink was the color she hated the most in the world. But she hadn’t complained about it.

  She’d kept quiet because of what her dad had said, but grownups never listened to you anyway. They just made you do what they wanted you to do. If you ever spoke your mind, they scolded you, calling you impertinent. Living with her grandparents, Hayeong had learned that it was better not to speak at all. It hadn’t been all that different living with her mom, either. She wouldn’t even let her say “Mom.”

  Even when Hayeong broke an arm and was hospitalized, her mom wouldn’t let her answer any questions from her dad or the doctor. If she so much as moved her mouth, her mom pressed down hard on her arm, which she was holding. She pressed so hard that Hayeong’s eyes welled up with tears, preventing her from talking. Then her mom would speak for her. She felt unhappy thinking about her mom. She quickly shook her head to get her off her mind.

  She didn’t like this house, but it was a hundred times better than living with her grandmother in Eungam-dong.

  From the moment she opened her eyes in the morning until she went to bed at night, her grandmother would nag incessantly, even when Hayeong was asleep. When Hayeong came into the house wearing socks, she would nag at her for not shaking the dust off; when she came in barefoot, she would make a fuss about her leaving footprints on the wooden floor. She nagged at her for eating too fast, and then for eating too slow.

  Her grandmother seemed to like nothing about her—she followed her around, slapping her on the back and scolding her. Once, Hayeong made up her mind, and, sobbing, asked her grandmother to let her go live with her dad. She just snorted at her. She picked up a rod, and told her never to say such a thing again, and that he didn’t care about Hayeong at all, because he had a new wife now.

  Hayeong had known for some time that her grandmother was lying. Her dad did want her to live with him. But her grandmother wouldn’t let her go, because her grandparents lived on the money he gave them every month for taking care of Hayeong. Hearing them fight one day, Hayeong had learned why her grandmother wouldn’t let her go live with her dad, even though she hated her so much.

  Because of her grandmother, it became harder and harder for Hayeong to call her dad on the phone as well. She worried that she’d never get to see him again. If not for the fire, her grandmother would still be slapping her on the back, nagging at her.

  The best thing about this house was that it was quiet. When she lay in her room alone, she couldn’t hear a thing. She couldn’t see the awful pink, either, if she closed her eyes. Seonkyeong was in the house, but she rarely came out of the study. As a result, Hayeong had a lot of time to think things over by herself.

  Just as her dad had said, she had to listen to Seonkyeong in order to live with him in this house. He was much too obliging to Seonkyeong. He did whatever she suggested, without a word. Hayeong felt angry that, sometimes, he seemed to believe Seonkyeong’s words more than he did hers, but she decided to ignore this.

  As time passed, she saw less of her dad, but that was all right. Her dream had come true, she was living in the same house with him. That’s why she did what Seo
nkyeong told her to do without complaint. She was even putting up with the color pink.

  She wouldn’t have cared what Seonkyeong did, whatever it was, if she hadn’t laid her hands on the teddy bear.

  When Hayeong came home from school and went into her room to find that her teddy bear was gone from her bed, she thought she’d go crazy. She ransacked the room, but it was nowhere to be found. She saw that Seonkyeong had touched the things in her room without asking her. Realizing that it was Seonkyeong who had taken the teddy bear, she frantically ran downstairs. She feared that Seonkyeong had thrown it away. To her relief, it was still in the house.

  This was no time for her to sit and cry. She wiped away the tears on her face with the back of her hand, and began to gather up the teddy bear fabric and cotton fillings that were scattered on the floor. In a corner of a dresser drawer, she saw the plastic bag that had held the blanket. She took the bag out and swept up the torn fabric, cotton fillings, and Styrofoam into it. She took out all the cotton inside the bear’s belly, but what she was looking for wasn’t there.

  It has to be in there, she thought.

  She double-checked the cotton fillings as well. She felt more and more anxious. She could not lose it. It was a gift from her dad, and the only memento of her mom.

  Nearly all the cotton on the floor had been gathered. She looked around to see if there was any remaining. She saw the bear’s head under the desk. She pulled it out by an ear. She stuck her hand inside the head and poked around. She felt something hard. She had found it!

  She took her hand out of the head and spread it open. It was what she’d been looking for.

  Relieved, she heaved a sigh. She put the rest of the trash in the plastic bag and put it outside. She locked the door and sat down on the bed, and looked at the thing in her hand. The brown bottle sparkled in the sunlight.