The Only Child

by Mi-ae Seo

  He had said that Hayeong broke a leg the day his ex-wife killed herself. From what Hayeong had said, that she was afraid of her mother who appeared in her dreams, Seonkyeong knew that she was still having a hard time because of the memories. All victims of MBP were placed under threat by someone they loved and depended on. Hayeong must have been confused as to which side of her mother was real.

  “I went to see Hayeong a few times after her mother died,” he said.

  Hayeong’s maternal grandparents, who were looking after her, discouraged him from coming. They’d decided it was better for them to raise her, instead of sending her to live with him when he’d remarried. Having started a new family, he must have thought their advice seemed reasonable.

  But how had Hayeong felt about it? She was already in shock after her mother’s death; the adults’ decision could have served as another blow. It seemed that she thought her father had abandoned her—for a while, she refused to see him.

  Seonkyeong wanted to comment that Jaeseong’s choice had been selfish, but couldn’t. Needless to say, she must have been part of the reason why he had accepted such a decision. If misfortune hadn’t fallen on Hayeong’s grandparents, her life would have remained separate from the child’s.

  Driving home after the visit, Seonkyeong continued to think about Hayeong and her mother.

  Hayeong had lost her mother at ten. Although her mother had abused and hurt her, a mother was an absolute figure to a child. Could she have known at ten? Could she have understood a mother who sacrificed her own child because she craved someone’s love and attention? Hayeong missed her mother, who had done exactly that. She flew into a rage, screaming, when her mother’s scent was removed from the stuffed animal.

  Seonkyeong sighed, thinking of the stuffed animal. She realized again how high-handed she’d been. She hadn’t even considered waiting until Hayeong came home to ask her. It wasn’t just the stuffed animal—she’d decorated Hayeong’s room, and bought clothes for her, based on her own tastes and judgments. She’d picked out the curtains and the blanket, without even knowing what colors the child liked. She did ask for Hayeong’s opinion a few times while shopping for clothes, but she’d made the decisions before even hearing her answers. Looking back on the past several days, she saw that she had fed her, clothed her, and put her to bed the way she, not the child, wanted.

  She realized that she had been cornering her.

  Seonkyeong recalled what Heeju had said, that just as Seonkyeong was watching Hayeong, the child was watching her, sizing her up. She didn’t even want to imagine how she must look in the child’s eyes. She had been simple and indifferent. She had been rash and inconsiderate. She had to acknowledge that she wasn’t ready to raise a child.

  Seonkyeong reproached herself over and over again. She felt sad thinking that she had hurt the child when the child had already been hurt so much. Her heart felt heavy, full of regret.

  Things couldn’t go on the same way. She needed to ask Heeju for help in finding a way to approach the child. She also wanted to help her forget the wounds inflicted by her mother. It wouldn’t happen overnight. It required small daily efforts.

  Driving home, she was thus absorbed in thinking about Hayeong, and found herself looking at the signpost leading to Hayeong’s school. It struck her as a sign.

  Impulsively, she turned the wheel and headed to the school.

  18.

  LOOKING AT THE TIME, SEONKYEONG SAW THAT SCHOOL would let out soon, and decided to wait outside.

  The bell rang, and shortly there came the sound of children chattering in the buildings and the schoolyard. One by one, they started coming out through the gate. Seonkyeong, who had been sitting in the car, came out in case she missed Hayeong.

  Looking at the children spilling out, she kept her eyes peeled for Hayeong. She needn’t have worried, as in a few minutes Hayeong came into view. A girl around her age was chatting incessantly to her, and Hayeong was walking quietly, listening.

  “Hayeong,” Seonkyeong called out to her, waving her hand. Hayeong raised her head and looked around, and found her. Her eyes opened wide in surprise. Seonkyeong hurried over to her.

  “Who is this? A friend?” Seonkyeong asked.

  “We sit together. My name is Choe Kaeun,” the other girl said.

  “Oh, it’s nice to meet you. So you guys sit together. Hayeong doesn’t have many friends yet, so please be a good friend to her,” Seonkyeong said.

  “Of course. All my friends are Hayeong’s friends. Is that your car? Wow, it’s so cool!”

  Even as Kaeun chattered on, Hayeong remained silent, ignoring Seonkyeong. Seonkyeong quickly took Hayeong’s schoolbag from her.

  “You must be hungry. Shall we go have something to eat? Would you like to come, too?” she said, turning to Kaeun.

  “Oh, for real?” Kaeun asked.

  “You should go home,” Hayeong said to the girl.

  “But . . .”

  “I’m just going to go home, too. All right?”

  Puzzled, Kaeun stared at Hayeong, who was suddenly snapping at her, and turned to look at Seonkyeong.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. It seems that Hayeong wants to go home. I’ll treat you next time, Kaeun. I guess it’s goodbye for now,” Seonkyeong said.

  “Okay, goodbye. Bye, Hayeong,” Kaeun said, waving and heading toward the road. She was a friendly girl. Kids who were bright and cheerful like that made everyone else around them feel the same. Seonkyeong felt relieved that Hayeong had someone like that by her side.

  Pretending that nothing had happened, Seonkyeong gave Hayeong’s shoulder a pat and said, “Shall we go, then?”

  Hayeong said nothing in reply.

  Seonkyeong began walking toward the car, but Hayeong stood fixed to her spot.

  Seonkyeong turned around to look at Hayeong, who shut her lips tightly and came up to Seonkyeong, and thrust out her hand.

  “Give me my bag,” she said.

  “Let’s drive home together.”

  “No. I want to walk.”

  “Hayeong, please.”

  Clutching the bag in Seonkyeong’s hand, Hayeong wouldn’t even look at her. Giving up, Seonkyeong took hold of her arm and said, “There’s something I want to say before I give you the bag.”

  Hayeong didn’t reply, and Seonkyeong continued.

  “I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. It was my fault. I should’ve asked you first, but I did as I pleased. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how important it was to you.”

  Hayeong didn’t say a word.

  “And I’m sorry I got angry at you and slapped you on the cheek. It’ll never happen again,” Seonkyeong added.

  Hayeong still wouldn’t look at her, but Seonkyeong could sense her listening to her words. Seonkyeong bent down and looked Hayeong in the eyes.

  “I don’t know anything. I have only grown-ups around me, and I’ve never learned how to make friends with someone as young as you,” she said, and added when Hayeong didn’t say anything, “I want to be friends with you. . . . Will you teach me how?”

  Hayeong hesitated for a moment, staring at her, then gave a slight nod.

  “Thank you,” Seonkyeong said.

  “Um . . . ,” Hayeong began, and Seonkyeong tensed up momentarily. “I’m thirsty. I want some water,” she finished.

  Seonkyeong felt disappointed, but a bit relieved as well. It was the first time Hayeong had asked for something. Seonkyeong looked around. There was a convenience store nearby.

  “Wait here, I’ll be right back,” she said, making Hayeong wait in the car while she went to the store. When she returned, however, the child wasn’t there. Worried, she looked around, and found Hayeong pressed against a shop window, completely absorbed in looking inside.

  Seonkyeong went up to her and handed her the water, and took a look herself.

  What Hayeong was looking at, her eyes sparkling, was a puppy.

  The pet shop in front of the school seemed a great attraction for kids on their w
ay home—a number of kids besides Hayeong were clinging to the glass window, looking at the puppies or waving at them.

  “Do you like puppies?” Hayeong asked, after gaping at the puppies for a while.

  “Why? Do you want one?” Seonkyeong asked, and Hayeong whirled her head around and looked at her. She didn’t have to say anything; her eyes were overflowing with longing for a puppy. Seonkyeong had never considered keeping a dog, but felt it would be all right, if it would help Hayeong settle down in her new environment and find stability.

  Seonkyeong looked at her, and stretched out a hand. The child promptly took it. Her soft little hand fit right in Seonkyeong’s own. The temperature of her hand made her feel overwhelmed for some reason. It had taken a week for her to hold the child’s hand.

  Seonkyeong hurried inside with Hayeong.

  Puppies of various kinds—Shih Tzus, Beagles, and Maltese—were waiting in separate boxes for someone to take them home. Hayeong’s heart seemed set on one already; she picked up a puppy at once. It was a white Shih Tzu, with brown eyes and ears.

  “You like that one?” Seonkyeong asked.

  Hayeong nodded and patted the puppy in her arms on the head. The puppy, with someone to take it home now, licked Hayeong’s hand in return and dug deep into her embrace.

  Seonkyeong paid for the puppy and the necessary goods, which included a crate, dog food, bath supplies, and toys, and couldn’t be carried all at once.

  When Hayeong came out holding her puppy, the kids who had been clinging to the shop window flocked around her. They reached out, wanting to touch it.

  “No, don’t touch my puppy!” Hayeong shouted.

  Leaving the envious kids behind, Hayeong quickly ran to the car. Seonkyeong loaded the trunk with the things and got in the driver’s seat; she turned around and saw Hayeong holding the puppy in her arms, feeding it a snack they had just bought.

  “Don’t feed it too much. They said only a few a day, right?” Seonkyeong said.

  Hayeong seemed much too absorbed in the puppy to even hear what she said. Seonkyeong watched her face for a moment, then started the car. She felt lighthearted, just for the fact that Hayeong had brightened up.

  When they came home, a little squabble took place between them over where to put the crate.

  Hayeong wanted the puppy by her bed. Seonkyeong tried to persuade her to keep the puppy downstairs, since it was still young and would have a hard time going up and down the steps. At her words, Hayeong picked up the puppy and said she’d carry it around. She even got scolded for eating with the puppy in her arms at dinner, but she wouldn’t put it down. With the dog around, though, things felt more relaxed. Hayeong made no mention of the stuffed animal, and stayed in the living room for a while after dinner, playing with the puppy.

  Feeling comfortable and at ease, Seonkyeong waited for Jaeseong to come home. She was eager to show him how things had changed since morning, when there had been a chill in the air. She felt relieved, thinking they’d grow more accustomed to and comfortable with each other as they continued to make little adjustments.

  Seonkyeong called Jaeseong, as he showed no signs of coming home even when his work hours were over.

  He said he was in a meeting. He was to present his thesis at a colloquium, to be held in a month in Washington, D.C. It seemed that he was staying late after work to prepare for it with the people at the lab.

  He finally came home when it was nearing ten o’clock. He looked exhausted as he entered the house. He took off his suit jacket and handed it to Seonkyeong; on his way to the bathroom, he began to sneeze.

  Hayeong came downstairs with the puppy.

  “Look, Dad, I have a puppy now. The name is . . . ,” Hayeong began, holding the puppy out to him. But instead of taking the puppy into his arms, he stepped back in fright. His sneezing continued.

  “Get that away from me,” he said.

  “Are you allergic to dogs?” Seonkyeong asked.

  “Why a puppy, all of a sudden? You should’ve discussed it with me,” he snapped, angrier than necessary. Hayeong, who had wanted to show off to her father, stepped back as well, dejected, holding the puppy in her arms.

  “Go return it right away,” he said, looking irritated, and stormed off into the bathroom.

  So Jaeseong was allergic to dogs. Seonkyeong had never imagined things would turn out this way. Not knowing what to do, she looked at Hayeong. Her face was dark with disappointment and sorrow. Seeing that, Seonkyeong felt angry with Jaeseong for flaring up and going off.

  As Hayeong stood in silence, her eyes welled with tears, about to drop any second. She held the Shih Tzu closer in an effort to push back the tears. Seonkyeong hurried over to her, took her in her arms, and patted her on the head.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll talk him into it,” she said.

  “You will?” Hayeong asked, looking up at her. When she blinked, the tears that had been filling up her eyes streamed down. Quickly, Seonkyeong wiped the tears away.

  “Of course. Trust me,” she said.

  “What if he says no?”

  He was home only at night, and for a little time in the morning. He spent only two or three hours with his family at home, not counting the hours they were in bed. If left in Hayeong’s room for those two or three hours, the puppy wouldn’t cause serious problems, even if he was allergic to dogs. Seonkyeong couldn’t answer right away, though, not knowing if he would be convinced.

  Waiting for an answer, Hayeong clung to her arm. Seonkyeong looked down and saw the eyes of both the puppy and the girl, at her disposal.

  “Just wait awhile. I’ll do my best to convince him,” she said.

  Hayeong brightened up immediately. She nodded, her eyes sparkling.

  Hayeong went up to her room carrying the puppy. Seonkyeong brought out some fresh clothes for Jaeseong to change into, and sat on the sofa and waited, staring at the bathroom door.

  When the shower came to a stop, she knocked on the door.

  The door opened, and she handed him the clothes. He seemed to have forgotten all about the incident as he took the clothes and went into the bedroom. Seonkyeong followed him.

  “Would you like a beer?” she asked.

  “No, I’m tired. I think I’ll go straight to bed.”

  “The puppy . . . ,” Seonkyeong began.

  “You . . . ,” Jaeseong began at the same time.

  “You seem to have grown closer to Hayeong. What happened?” he finished.

  “It’s all thanks to the puppy, which you seem to think is so awful,” Seonkyeong said.

  “I hate dogs.”

  “Didn’t you see how happy she was, with the puppy in her arms?”

  He just stared at her.

  “So you’re saying we should keep it?” he asked.

  “It’s already here. It’s the first thing she’s ever asked for. Do you know how disappointed she was, with you yelling at her? She waited all evening for you to come home,” she said.

  He scratched his head, realizing that he had gone overboard. But he wouldn’t back down when it came to the puppy.

  “I’m extremely allergic to dogs. I can’t stop sneezing, and I itch all over,” he said.

  “We can keep the puppy upstairs when you’re home.”

  “There will be dog hair all over the house. . . . Why did you have to go and buy her a puppy?” he kept grumbling.

  Seonkyeong began to grow angry again. Looking annoyed, she stared at him.

  “What?” he said.

  “Take some pills. You’re a doctor, aren’t you? There must be something you can take for a dog allergy,” she said.

  He seemed quite taken aback to see that Seonkyeong was seriously angry. His eyes wide with surprise, he stared at her, looking dazed.

  “Honey?” he said.

  “Can’t you sacrifice just one little thing, for the sake of your daughter? How can you be so selfish? Do you have to be so cross and ruin everyone else’s mood as well?” she asked, barely managing not to
blurt out She’s your kid!

  How often would she be tempted to say that in the days ahead?

  She had been growing increasingly angry at Jaeseong for being more and more negligent with his child as the days passed. No matter how busy he was, he shouldn’t be so indifferent when he knew what an unstable state Hayeong was in. Even after their talk during the day, he’d come home late. On top of that, he’d shouted as soon as he saw her, and wouldn’t give an inch about the puppy.

  Seonkyeong swallowed back the words “your kid.” They were to remain taboo in the house. The moment she decided to accept the child, and to live with this man, Hayeong was no longer his child alone but theirs together.

  Seeing the angry look on her face, Jaeseong, who had been grumbling, seemed quite flustered. Looking dejected, he scratched his head and tried to read her face, saying, “Okay, okay. Why are you so angry?”

  “I’m fine. Just go to bed,” Seonkyeong said coldly.

  He came up to her, trying to make her feel better, but she stepped out of the bedroom, leaving him behind.

  She was about to go into the study, but changed her mind and headed upstairs to Hayeong’s room. She saw a faint streak of light through the crack in the door.

  “Hayeong,” she called out as she opened the door. The child was asleep. The puppy was wiggling around, digging into her arms. Seonkyeong put the puppy in its crate and placed a toy inside. Watching the face of the sleeping child, she searched for resemblances to Jaeseong. She didn’t take much after her father. Considering how fitfully she had slept on her first night, waking up with a scream, the shock seemed to have lifted substantially. Her wounds would gradually heal as the days went by, Seonkyeong thought.

  Gently stroking the child’s hair, Seonkyeong thought back to the time when her own mother had passed away.

  She had been much older than Hayeong, but things were hard for her for a very long time. She knew what a large, deep hole the loss of your mother created in your heart. Nothing could fill that hole. Whenever she felt as if a fathomless darkness lay at her feet, its mouth wide open, Seonkyeong wanted to throw herself into the hole.