Alien Coffee

by Carroll, John H.

  “I’d rather have my liver sucked out than listen to your sarcasm,” Jillian stated dryly. A thought occurred to her. “Why don’t you just make your own coffee? Why do you have to steal mine?”

  “Nah, we can’t do that. Coffee is one of the most illegal drugs in the galaxy. Alarms would go off and we’d all be arrested if we brought it into the station,” he admitted casually while looking longingly at the cup.

  “So you’re doing drugs and will get arrested if anyone finds out,” Jillian stated with a sly smile. Sclurp narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You need me, you silly-looking extraterrestrial dork. If I’m gone then you don’t get your fix. If I report you to your superiors, then you’ll go to jail.” She crossed her arms and raised her chin smugly.

  Jillian stepped back when the alien stood. He moved to the counter where the phone was, picked it up and held it out with a shrewd wink of the rightmost eye. “Go ahead, call my superiors.” She glared at him, her gut sinking at the call of her bluff. Sclurp put it back and turned to her. “You’re right. I’m in big trouble, but so are you. We have standing orders to transmute anyone who sees us regardless of whose fault it is or if it’s fair.”

  Tears of despair welled in Jillian’s eyes in spite of her best efforts to resist them. “So you’re going to turn me into an emo bunny and there’s nothing I can do about it?” she asked in a shaking voice.

  “No!” Sclurp exclaimed, holding out a hand in denial. “I’m not going to zap you. I wouldn’t actually do that.” He shook his head and let out a slow, deep breath. “This is a really big problem. We should talk to Nyxulla and Buffy. They’ll know what to do. I’m just a technician.”

  “Buffy?” Jillian asked in timid amusement. “There’s an alien named Buffy?”

  He grinned, the protruding lips turning upward. “Its real name is too hard to say for any race and it spends all its free time watching vampire shows. It’s super smart though.”

  “It?” Jillian asked, not knowing what else to say.

  “Yeah, everyone of their race is androgynous, so we can’t say he or she. It’s a BEM on top of that.”

  “BEM?” One-word questions were all she could come up with. Maybe it would delay her death or transmutation a little longer if she kept asking them.

  “Don’t you know anything?” he demanded, throwing his hands in the air. “BEM is short for bug-eyed-monster. Buffy has the biggest bug eyes I’ve ever seen and its race is classified as monsters. I wouldn’t hold that against them though. They’re really wonderful people.”

  “Oh . . . right . . . I’ll keep that in mind.” It was Jillian’s turn to do some eye rolling.

  “Let’s go talk to them,” Sclurp suggested. “They’ll know what to do and that way I won’t have to zap you.” Jillian set her jaw stubbornly and was about to refuse, but he persisted. “We really are in big trouble. I have to zap anyone who sees me, but I’ll be in trouble too and have to undergo reconditioning for drinking coffee, being seen and having to zap you.” He put his face in his front two hands and patted his own shoulder with the third while taking a deep breath. Then he looked her in the eyes. “This is going to go real bad for both of us unless Buffy and Nyxulla come up with a solution.”

  Jillian stared at him in dismay. Her guts were all tied up and she wanted to cry or run away. Raymond wouldn’t be home until that night and his cell phone service would be spotty on the golf course where he worked. She didn’t even know if the alien would zap her before she could make the call. Jillian looked into the alien’s eyes. They didn’t seem fake, nor did the rest of him appear to be a costume of any sort. She pinched herself once more in the hopes it was a nightmare. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks when she felt the twinge and nothing changed.

  Sclurp gestured for her to stop. “Hey now, don’t do that leaky stuff with your eyes. It’s silly. They’ll find a solution. The station is just up the mountain a short distance.” He went to the kitchen door, opened it and gestured for her to go through as any proper alien gentleman would do. “Let’s go.”

  She nodded wordlessly and went outside with slumped shoulders. Sclurp followed her across the dirt driveway lined by flowers Jillian had planted early that spring. He took the lead, heading through a grassy field and up the forested incline.

  ***

  They followed a trail Jillian loved but hadn’t walked the last year or so and she was grateful for the decision to wear sneakers that morning. A clearing at the top overlooked the north lake and had incredible views of the surrounding mountains. For some reason, she became sad whenever walking up the trail lately to the point of staying off it entirely in order to avoid depression. The feeling was coming back as they walked. Jillian slowed down and despaired over her fate. “I just don’t think I can continue. Go ahead and kill me or turn me into a bunny or whatever it is you’re going to do.”

  Sclurp turned and looked at her in surprise. They both jumped at rustling in the nearby bushes. A black bunny with purple streaks in its hair darted deeper into the underbrush. The alien pulled on its cheeks with the suction fingers of both front hands while Jillian stared disinterestedly. Sclurp stared at the bushes, then at Jillian and then back again. He did that a few more times before raising a finger in revelation. “Oh! That makes sense. You’re not immune to them.” He pulled out the ray gun, fiddled with a screen that popped out of the top and pointed it at her.

  That caught Jillian’s notice and brought her out of the funk. She put her hands up and backed down the trail a few steps, ready to run.

  He zapped her. Yellow lights on the ray gun glowed and it made a barely audible humming sound before going dim and quiet.

  Jillian looked at her hands, expecting to see fluffy rabbit’s feet form. She patted her body, checking if fur was growing. When nothing physical happened she stared at Sclurp. He was putting away his ray gun and patting it. “There. Now the bunnies won’t make you sad.”

  She tried to think of a question, but there were so many millions of questions jumping to the front of her mind that all that came out was a grunt. Questions about emo bunnies, aliens, invasions, how big the universe was, and many more flashed past. What she finally did ask made no sense at all. “Are there more pebbles on Earth than there are stars in the universe?”

  Sclurp raised his eyebrow. “That’s an odd question, but no. There are many more stars.” He began walking up the trail again, gesturing for her to follow. “If you’re wondering why I zapped you, it made you immune to the gloom of the emo bunnies.”

  A proper question formed in Jillian’s mind. “What exactly are emo bunnies? Seriously, it sounds like a bad joke or a story for demented children or something.” She did notice that the apathy she felt a moment ago was completely gone.

  “Emo bunnies are everywhere in the universe. They hop around making everybody miserable.” Sclurp’s three legs made it very easy for him to overcome obstacles on the rocky terrain. Jillian had to move quickly to keep up and was soon panting. “It’s a defense mechanism they have. Anything that attacks them gets sad and usually leaves them alone. Anything that has the misfortune to stumble onto a family or group of bunnies becomes suicidal and may run off a cliff or bite off a leg or something.”

  Sclurp effortlessly climbed over a fallen tree trunk on the trail. Jillian scrambled after. “This is getting silly. Aliens named Buffy, emo bunnies that make people suicidal and . . . I don’t know what else, but it’s all just plain silly,” she informed him rationally.

  “Good. No one will believe you if you tell them then. That may help to keep both of us out of trouble,” Sclurp stated hopefully. “Here we are.” They had just come to Jillian’s favorite clearing and he gestured grandly at the open field.

  There was absolutely nothing there but a scenic vista overlooking the lake and a flower dotted field surrounded by trees. “Yeah, it’s a clearing with nice views. I haven’t been here in a year because it makes me sad.” Jillian glared at him with her arms crossed, realizing that all the stupid bunnies
were the reason she hadn’t been able to come to her favorite place.

  “Don’t look at me like that, dude. It’s right here.” He took a few steps and pushed a button on his belt. An invisible door slid to reveal a lighted metal interior with two steps leading up to it. Everything around the opening still looked like clearing. “It’s the best in invisibility technology. It can handle everything expect getting pushed down stairs,” Sclurp stated accusingly.

  Jillian narrowed her eyes. “Don’t call me dude,” she told him flatly. He motioned her to follow him inside. The door closed behind them and another one opened in front. “Aren’t we supposed to be decontaminated or something?” she asked.

  “We’ve all been immunized, so you can’t infect us with any of your diseases,” he reassured her.

  “Gee . . . good for you. I wouldn’t want to infect you with my diseases,” Jillian mimicked sarcastically. She was offended at being treated like a second-class citizen on her own planet.

  They walked into a circular sitting area with gentle lighting. Aromatic alien flowers in planters were interspersed between cushioned lounges. Other types of seats filled the area and Jillian imagined they might be for races that were formed differently like Sclurp with his three legs. “You wait here. I’ll get the others. You’re not allowed in some sections . . . actually, you’re not allowed in the station at all . . . but here is better than the other areas.” Jillian folded her arms and watched him enter a passage to the left.

  It was mostly quiet with the exception of a small fountain running down a section of wall behind a planter. The environment was warm and humid after coming in from the cool mountain air. She considered sitting, but didn’t want to get too comfortable in a dangerous situation. The flowers were pretty and she was about to go smell one before thinking it might eat her nose. One never knows with alien plants, she thought to herself.

  “Hello, Jillian. I’m Nyxulla,” a woman’s sensual voice lilted through the air. Sensual was the only word to describe it, like one of those sultry sirens portrayed in old detective movies. Only the individual coming into the sitting room was not human. She had creamy, dark green skin, emerald eyes and violet hair cascading down her back like silk. She was everything a virile starship captain would want in a five and a half foot tall alien woman. “Sclurp tells me you attacked him and broke his invisibility device.”

  The accusation infuriated Jillian. “I did not attack him! He keeps stealing my coffee!”

  The alien woman made a calming gesture and chuckled pleasantly. “I know. Sclurp is a terrible addict and while he’s good with equipment, he’s an idiot in every other aspect of life.” She put a hand on her hip and glared at the three-legged alien who had followed her into the room and was hanging his head in shame. Even in that pose, Nyxulla was sexy. Jillian was disturbed by that fact.

  Buffy the BEM entered the room. Jillian knew it was Buffy because of the big bug eyes and monstrous appearance. The new alien wasn’t large, only about four feet tall, but two enormous eyes covered each side of its oversized head. It had a large jaw with sharp teeth and multiple nostrils peppered in the front of the face. Unlike a bug, it only had two arms and legs, but at the end of each hand were three fingers interspersed with three talons. Jillian couldn’t imagine how the digits would work together.

  “Nonetheless, we are presented with a very serious problem,” Buffy stated with the air of a well-read individual who sounded half like a man and half like a proper Victorian lady. It was disconcerting. The translators seemed to deliver distinct personalities for each alien. Jillian wondered if they were individual preferences or if the translators portrayed the personality of their owners through some sort of programming.

  Jillian chose not to respond. She was in so far over her head that any attempt to guess the best words would be futile. Everything was surreal and she was looking at the aliens with a detached fascination by that point.

  Nyxulla’s beauty was mesmerizing even to Jillian who normally didn’t find women attractive. The alluring alien sat on one of the lounges and rested her arm over the back of it. “Jillian, we’d like to hear what happened from your point of view. Please have a seat and tell us everything. I promise we won’t bite.” She gestured to the lounges against the wall. Jillian wasn’t sure if the part about not biting was true, but she sat on a cushioned seat across the way from Nyxulla. The female seemed more dangerous with her charming magnetism than the other two did with their peculiarities.

  Jillian proceeded to tell them about the missing coffee and how angry she had been about it. She mentioned waving her arms about and knocking Sclurp down the stairs unknowingly. Then she told them about Sclurp demanding another cup of coffee like a street addict looking for his next fix. Both of the other aliens stared at their companion harshly. At least Jillian thought it was harshly from what little she was figuring out about alien body language.

  When she was done relaying the story, they all sat in silence for a while. Sclurp had perched himself on an adjustable stool to one edge of the room while Buffy had taken the next lounge over from Jillian. It was a little too close for comfort, but she resisted the urge to run away screaming.

  “How long have you lived here, Jillian?” Buffy asked pleasantly.

  “Raymond and I have been in Priest Lake for three years now. We love it here. The lakes, mountains and forests are just so beautiful, the people are friendly and there’s so much wildlife. It’s amazing,” Jillian responded with the first smile since meeting them. It didn’t last long as the reality of being trapped in a room with three aliens crossed the front of her mind again.

  Buffy wasn’t done putting her at ease. “It is a beautiful area. The last planet I was on was all rock and deserts. Earth has many more mammals than I would like, but it is truly beautiful.” He tapped a computer screen on the wall and a steaming drink appeared from a nearby slot. He took a drink and asked, “Where did you live before that and what made you decide to move out here? I’m not addicted to coffee like these other two, so haven’t been down to your house to snoop.” The words were pointed and Nyxulla’s skin grew a darker green from blushing. Jillian looked at her with a raised eyebrow at the knowledge that Sclurp wasn’t the only one sneaking into her house for coffee. The squishy-lipped alien was still sitting quietly while looking at the ground in shame.

  Neither had anything to add, so Jillian answered the question. “We used to live in New York. I was an editor for one of the big publishing houses and Raymond was an extremely successful ad executive. We were doing really, really well.”

  “And you chose to leave that success behind? I must say that I’m curious as to why.” Buffy’s tone was extremely pleasant and Jillian found herself relaxing in spite of his frightening appearance.

  “As far as my success goes, we knew I was going to lose my job soon. Traditional publishing has been replaced by a bunch of uneducated hacks who call themselves Indie Authors.” She waved her hand and sighed. “Don’t take me too seriously. It’s just a little frustrating. Some have talent, but they can’t spell worth a darn and most have never met a sentence with good grammar. Anyway, I received a request from an author I had known awhile and he asked me to edit his works. He wasn’t the only one who was looking for a good editor, so I quit my job and began freelancing. It was much more pleasant . . . and challenging.”

  Buffy ordered another drink and handed it to Jillian who looked at the orange liquid suspiciously. “Go on, drink. It’s just orange juice. You said your husband was an ad exec. Did he have a problem with leaving his job?”

  Jillian took a small sip, not willing to drink too quickly in case the alien was lying to her. “Not at all. He was tired of cutthroat politics and manipulation required to get anything done in the business. He loved golfing and even though he wasn’t good enough to go pro, everyone looked to him for advice on how to improve their game. One day he called in sick in order to go golfing. He liked it so much he stopped showing up for work.”

  “How extraord
inary. Did his supervisors not chastise him for such behavior?” Buffy asked incredulously.

  “You would think, but it took his company two months to realize he wasn’t showing up even though they were still paying his salary,” she relayed with a gleeful laugh. “After they finally fired him, Raymond realized his job wasn’t fulfilling and he really preferred golfing anyway. So we talked and it came out that we had both always wanted to live in the mountains since childhood. We traveled for a few weeks before finding Priest Lake. We found a house and moved all our things. Then Raymond took a job at the local course as their golf pro while I stay home and do my editing here.”

  “How extraordinary,” Buffy stated. “Just remarkable.”

  “I make more money than I did in New York. Between the sale of the apartment and our savings, we were able to buy our house outright and still have enough money to live off comfortably awhile. We work because we enjoy what we do now,” Jillian stated blissfully. She and Raymond had been truly happy since moving. Once again, reality came rushing back. “So what do we do now? Are you going to turn me into an emo bunny and ruin our lives?”

  “No. We’re not going to transform you or hurt you in any way,” Nyxulla stated decisively. “The fact that you’ve seen us is a serious problem though and I’m not certain how we’re going to handle it yet.”

  “Well I’m having a tough time dealing with this right now. I’ve always believed there was other life out there, but the three of you. . .” Jillian gestured helplessly. She was coming to like them, but they were still aliens and had a secret they wanted kept. How was she supposed to go back to her pleasantly mundane existence knowing they were right next door? “What is this place anyway, since I already know too much?”