The Silent Rhymes of a Snowflake

by Jaclyn Lewis

The third point on the brochure is: “Visiting your Neighbors: A guide to Pavana. In time, you will be allowed to visit the planet Pavana. The only time that inter-planetary trips are available is on Sunday between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Pavana is home to a variety of plant and animal life and will provide a great escape for you when needed. There is a cost to travel to Pavana so you will want to begin accruing credits right away! If you have any questions about your stay here, feel free to approach our staff. They are delighted to assist you.”

  Behind the brochure is a stack of papers stapled together that are headed “Diamond Quarry”. This must be where they tell me what kind of job I’ve signed up for.

  The booklet is entitled “Diamonds: A guide to Open Pit Mining on Erimos.”

  This information looks even more overwhelming than what I’ve already looked through. The collection of papers explains the safety precautions taken in open pit mining, how to mine for diamonds, and the names of equipment and machinery.

  This all feels like a lot to take in. I’m feeling extremely thirsty and decide to lay aside my packet for a while and give my overloaded brain a rest.

  As I set it down, I feel a lump towards the bottom of the packet. I reach in and find a small box with a patch inside it. When I touch it, it lights up and digital numbers appear. Is it a clock or a watch?

  The instructions say that it is solar powered and is sweat and water-resistant. It is clear, but when I put it on the inside of my forearm, it blends into my skin tone so it is practically invisible. It only lights up when touched. It also keeps track of my heart rate and body temperature. I don’t remember seeing technology this advanced on Earth. The time is 1400 hours.

  Now I understand why I am so thirsty and hungry. I’m pretty sure most people would have eaten lunch by now. In my mind I picture a clock as I watch people in an Earth café eating lunch. They sit outside near a busy street. It’s a sunny day and the colors of the little green café stand out so vividly to me as the breeze ruffles the yellow umbrellas over their tables. It is noon. Why did I just call that memory up? Why can’t I call up whatever I want to on command?

  As I’m walking out, I remember the map and decide that I had better take that along with me. This place is exceptionally organized, but so enormous I’m sure I would get lost. As I walk, a mood of apprehension follows me like a stray puppy. Nothing that we are doing seems particularly dangerous, but I can’t escape the feeling that I have been left out of a very large secret—most importantly the secret of my own past.

  Then I remember the form I signed and I tell myself that maybe it is better not to know. Part of me wants to believe it. Part of me doesn’t. I guess that’s all I know for sure.

  Some of the girls smile at me as I walk down the hall. Some of them ignore my presence altogether. I don’t really mind one way or the other.

  As I exit the corridor a girl is just leaving her own floor and we meet in the stairwell. At the atrium she stops and offers her hand. “Hi, I’m Nikki 2-17-49. Welcome to Erimos! What’s your name?”

  I stop--still fascinated by the crystal spire. It must be the tallest thing I have ever seen. I wonder if it has a purpose. As if startled from a dream, I remember that the short little brunette with the kind face asked me a question.

  “Thank you. I’m Genesis. How did you know that I’m new, though?”

  She points to her own cheek and makes a circular motion. “Your snowflake is still a little red around the edges. And you look lost.” She giggles after that last part.

  “Oh. Yeah. I guess it is obvious. Well, I’m just headed to get some lunch.” We turn left.

  “I’m headed that way too so…we can walk together.” She says. “I normally eat earlier, but they serve pretty much the same things all day and since its Sunday I took a nap and overslept. What division were you assigned to?”

  I’m struck by her energy and how fast she talks. “Diamond Quarry…” My statement trails off so that it doesn’t sound like a statement at all. More like a question. I must sound like an idiot battling my confusion. So I try out the words again making them sound more decided. “Diamond Quarry.”

  “Oh diamonds. Ok. I work in the asprosium mine. It’s pretty much the same thing except we work underground. Diamond miners tend to get sunburned. Don’t forget sunscreen on your first day. You have the whitest skin I’ve ever seen! I can’t believe they picked you for that.”

  She obviously wasn’t trying to be rude, but all the same, her comments about my skin make me feel weird about myself and I don’t know what to say.

  Thankfully, she’s found something else to talk about. “I’ve been here for a while—obviously, if you paid attention to my last name you know that. Four years. I’m like a veteran.”

  “Thanks for the advice. I read about all the sun exposure in the welcome pamphlet. What is asprosium?”

  Nikki answers my question as we enter the cafeteria. “Asprosium is a white compound that looks similar to salt when you mine it. The earth expended its oil deposits years ago and they discovered that asprosium is an even better fuel source. It’s lightweight and burns slowly while having an extremely high energy output when mixed with water. We ship it back to Earth. Trying to get our home planet back up on its feet. Not that Earth has real feet of course. That would be silly.”

  She giggles and I’m not even sure I caught everything she said, but now I know that asprosium is a fuel source.

  The next thing I had not planned to ask at all--it just kind of came out. “Do you ever regret that we don’t get to go back?

  I don’t even remember volunteering for this mission. But I certainly regret that decision now.”

  It takes her a second. But it’s like she’s been asked before. Nikki looks at me with sad eyes.

  “Sometimes yes, I wish I had never signed that form. Sometimes I think that it would have been better to die on Earth knowing who I was than to live here. But I’ve lived here for four years and it’s not so bad. It’s a friendly community and Pavana is such a great vacation spot--really beautiful. After a while, even the memories you do have kind of start to blur together with the new ones. More important memories take their place I guess. Then one day this is all that’s real anymore.”

  She sighs, seeing that her answer is less than satisfactory.

  So she continues, “I guess what I’m saying is that I do regret it sometimes, but if I had to give this new life up and have it all erased I wouldn’t want to do that either. So I just don’t think about it.”

  My heart sinks. I don’t know exactly what it is I am even missing, but I am definitely disappointed that I never get to find out. Is this really all there will ever be for me?

  My new friend-my only friend Nikki starts pointing out fruits and vegetables I may not be familiar with as we walk through the cafeteria line. They all look like melons of a sort. I ask her their names and find out that whoever named them didn’t have a great imagination.

  “This is yellow melon, green melon, and apple beans. Apple beans are these little red berries that look like miniature apples and grow on stalks like beans. They are all over the place in Pavana.”

  There are dried meats and breads to choose from as well as coffee and fruit juices to drink. I turn my nose up at the dried meats--not quite sure if I trust them.

  I remember going to a gas station as a little girl and my dad always buying a Slim Jim when he checked out. I wanted to like it—so I could be cool like dad. I don’t think I ever told him that Slim Jims taste like plastic. I just ate it and smiled. I can’t even picture his face now.

  “Don’t worry,” Nikki laughs, “Most of the animals here are the same as back home. There are a few weird ones—There’s a buffalo type thing that they raise in Pavana. It can swim and kind of looks like a dinosaur. That’s the only way I can describe it. Sometimes we eat those—We call them Buffalaurs—mostly as a joke, but I think there’s some kind of scientific name for them. We eat cousins of cows and goats from Earth. Nothing too scary.”


  “I don’t think I care to ever meet a buffalaur.” I laugh and move on in the line.

  We take our trays and sit on the second level of the cafeteria next to a large window. The room seems very empty right now. All six stories of it are open in the middle where the light shines through onto the serving lines, and we are some of the only ones here. It feels very open—not like the dorm room I just left.

  I sit next to the window while we eat and get my first glimpse of this planet. The sand outside is so white it looks like sugar. I can see the Erimos River flowing out toward the horizon. Just like the sun, it sparkles with a shimmer that looks like dye was added to the water for it to be so blue. It reminds me of berry-flavored gelatin that I used to eat on hot summer afternoons by the pool. I think it looks a little out of place amidst all the desert and mesas in the distance.

  I almost expect to see tumbleweeds rolling by as I watch the sugar-like dust blow. It’s an utterly desolate world on which I have willfully entrapped myself, beautified only by that cerulean blue river. Nikki must be able to read the despair in my face as I look out into my new home.

  “Genesis, you’ll get used to it. Don’t worry. You have a friend now and you’ll make more friends too. You’ll see. After a while it starts to feel like home. All you need is good support and you can live anywhere really.”

  There is true empathy in her eyes and I can see that maybe about four years ago she felt what I am feeling now.

  Nikki and I sit at our table for a long time and she tries to answer any questions I have. I’m not even really sure if I’m asking the right things. I ask about the social life here. She tells me that she has a husband and that having him around has helped her to enjoy life and feel accustomed to this place.

  “CGC has really strict rules about dating, though. All intimate relationships have to be sanctioned by the bosses before you date anyone. If you break the rule, you are fined a considerable amount of money. Rumor has it you could even be reset, but I think that’s just something conspiracy theorists came up with.” Her eyes roll.

  “We go on dates to the rec center, theater, or sometimes we go over to Pavana. There’s a market where you can buy pretty clothes and jewelry so you don’t have to wear the same old clothes every day. It’s nice to get all pretty and go somewhere with a man.” She places a reassuring hand on top of mine. “I know you feel alone right now. It gets better.”

  “Do you remember anything about Earth?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “Just like everyone else I remember pictures of Earth, but I don’t remember being there. Doctor Elliot said that they only erased the personal and identifying parts. Sometimes I feel like there’s more missing, but you know science--it isn’t exact. The doctors and staff that wear the white coats still have their memories, but they don’t ever talk about it. The devastation there must be so bad that no one wants to relive it.”

  This tips me over into into an abyss of more endless questions. What did I care about so much on Earth that I gave up everything I knew for it? What could have meant so much to me that I gave myself up to preserve it?

  Nikki’s talking about Pavana now and how I must go there the first chance I get. “There are photos of Ireland in one of the libraries here and Pavana looks just like it! There’s a farm and orchards. You can ride horses and have picnics in the grass. Swim in the ocean. It’s heavenly. As soon as you have credits to go, you should do it. You’ll feel better about everything.”

  After a while, we head back to our dorm.

  “Genesis, it really will be ‘ok’.” She lightly touches my shoulder and although it comforts me a little, her expression is full of genuine kindness. “I’m happy I met you. I’d love to be your friend and help you get through this time of transition. I don’t remember my first day bothering me as much as it does you, but it has been four years.”

  Her sincerity warms my heart. I know she means what she’s saying and I plan to take her up on her offer. She can’t give me what I really need—information about myself, but what she offers will make the life I have more satisfying. What she has to offer is friendship.

  “Thanks, Nikki. I’ll see you around.”

  As we leave the cafeteria, I sink my hands into my pockets and find my way back to the sixth floor and dorm 103. I can hear voices as introductions are being made inside. I pause outside the door, not sure if I’m ready to meet anyone else. My brain is taxed from the day and I’m still not completely sure that I won’t wake up tomorrow in a comfortable bed on Earth and realize that this was all just a very vivid nightmare.

  I hear the beep when I walk inside, and say “hello”. The room is full of girls—all different colors and heights. I offer my hand to the red headed girl closest to me and she takes it rather awkwardly.

  “Hi, I’m Genesis. It is nice to meet you.”

  She pauses—for far too long. “Can I just call you Genna? I’m Ember. Nice to meet you too.” She gives me an awkward handshake, and then puts her hands on her hips and looks around the room impatiently. She looks like her mind must be working overtime. Like she’s putting a puzzle together and the timer is about to go off. When she finds nothing better to do, she turns back to where I am. I put my hands in my pockets because I don’t know what else to do with them.

  “So…have you guys figured out the best way to get out of the complex, yet?” Ember asks.

  “Why would we want to do that?” Another girl replies.

  “I just thought…maybe…this whole experience made some of you uncomfortable. Like me…I’m pretty much ready to leave.”

  Her thoughts resonate with me, but I’m not fully prepared to run away, yet. To break the silence, Ember asks another question.

  “How about these weird names, huh? You think we got to pick them--you know, before they put us to sleep and did--whatever they did to us? Do you think our eyes can glow in the dark? I mean, if I sprout tentacles in my sleep, please let me know.”

  I laugh at the imagery, but my cheeks feel warm and I wonder why she found my name to be so unfit she needed to change it. Not that I mind--guess Genna does sound better. And anyhow, she seems to have a sense of humor.

  “I don’t know.” I wanted to say more, but I guess that’s all that came out.

  The same forced politeness continues as the introductions carry on. There are thirteen of us living in one large room and it will take me a while to remember all their names. Kylee, Stephanie, Evolet, Kenzie, Darci, Aubrey, Linzee, Keira, Josie, Zila, and River. There is a great diversity in our ethnicities too. There are a few very dark-skinned girls and two Asians that look as if they could be twins—one is Stephanie who I talked with briefly at the tagging room. There are three blondes in the room and then Ember and I share the same shade of red hair.

  I am drawn to Ember and even though conversation seems labored, we begin to talk about the few things we know. We can’t help but notice how much we look alike although she decided to keep her hair very long and added black streaks while I have cut mine short. We’re even of a similar height. She has dark chocolate brown eyes that look like impenetrable self-made walls.

  I ask Ember what division she’s been assigned to.

  “Militia. They say I’m fighter material.”

  “That must be a nerve-racking job. Do you know anything about fighting in an army? Why do you think they need a militia here anyway? Everything seems so perfect and all.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Does it? I don’t know.” She pauses and sits down on one of the bunks.

  She sits on her hands. “Something about it hasn’t set well with me since I woke up. I have no idea why they need a militia. Aliens? I’ve heard of crazier things. No one has told me what the training is like. I think I used to watch movies about soldiers, but that’s where the information ends.”

  “Well, I’ll try to contribute to the galactic effort with my diamonds.” I give a sarcastic chuckle. “I hear it gets pretty hot outside.”

  As hard as I try, I’m sure there’s
a panic in my voice that’s noticeable. Today was hard. And all I had to do was wander around and try to get my bearings. Tomorrow I actually have to go outside—in that heat and work at a job I’m not trained for.

  “Yeah.” She continues the conversation. “Everyone says this planet is a real scorcher—hot as fire. Are you nervous about working in the mines? I assume you don’t really know anything about diamond mining either.”

  “I’m a little worried because I don’t really know what to expect. I can’t seem to find memories that make me more comfortable about anything here. I suppose if you tell yourself enough that you chose this knowing what it meant then you believe it after so long and maybe it starts to feel like home. At least that’s what someone from four years ago told me.” I don’t sound very convincing and I know it.

  Before she walks away, she says “I wish I could find the idiot that talked me into taking this job and rip him to pieces.” That ends the conversation.

  All thirteen of us finish putting our things away. We shower, brush our teeth, and turn out the lights by nine. I’m not completely tired, but I don’t know what else to do, and I’m sure that tomorrow promises to be exhausting. My mind is reeling and won’t turn off. I’m pulling--stretching my brain for any memory that feels alive, but everything looks like a slideshow to me. It feels empty and dead.

  After a few tears and hours of tossing and turning in my bunk, my heart accepts the fact that this is what I did. I chose the hollow shell of blank memories in favor of a better Earth. Surely there was someone there that I loved enough to do this for. I have to believe that.

  My thoughts drift and I enter a quiet and peaceful sleep—until the dream.

  I’m running for my life through a crowded city. I bump into several passersby and am almost flattened by a swerving checkered yellow cab. A blonde man with wind-blown hair is panting as he runs in front of me,and we sprint alongside a train that is just pulling out of a station. I look behind me where two men are chasing us, but black masks cover their faces and I can’t identify them. I just know that we have to get away. The man in front of me turns to yell something.