The Brat and the Brainiac

  “Well, I don’t know what that means, either.”

  He laughs.

  “Go pour yourself a glass of wine and I’ll explain it to you. Hell, bring me one, too.”

  “Therefore, if you have a fish on your line that you want, don’t jerk it around and screw with it. Reel it in, for God’s sake.”

  “So I should’ve just caved?” I ask. He takes a sip of his Chianti and sighs, like I’m being deliberately obtuse.

  “It’s not a matter of caving. It’s a matter of getting what you want. Hell, take him back if you want him. You can always torture him later.”

  I take a big slug off my wine, charm school be damned.

  “Miranda,” says Ignatius disapprovingly. “You might as well just drink it straight from the bottle.”

  “Sorry. I’m just...oh, these road trips are killing me.”

  “You have nine more to go,” he reminds me, swirling the wine in his glass. He looks over at me, a wise, fatherly expression on his face. “Perhaps if you and he didn’t fight before every road trip, things would go easier.”

  “There’s nothing easy about this relationship.”

  “I see that.” He sighs and takes another sip. “Here’s how we can make the time go faster. Let’s drive up to Reno and play Roulette.”

  “Can’t,” I tell him. “I have to go to work at three. I’m closing tonight.”

  “In that case, let’s just order a pizza before you go.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  The pizza guy dawdles, so I have to wolf it down and hurry out of the house to get to work on time. On the way out to the car, I pass Kevin in the driveway.

  “Hey, Kev.”

  “Hey, Nanda.”

  “Something wrong? You look a little out of sorts.”

  “Just a shitty day. You going to work?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Have fun.”

  I hurry and get in my car, wondering what a shitty day at a dry cleaners looks likes. I wish we could go to Reno, like Ignatius said. I wish we could all go to Reno and win a bunch of money.

  Later, when I get home, Ignatius is alone.

  “Where’d Kevin go?”

  “We had a fight.”

  “You guys had a fight? Oh, my God. What was it about?”

  “He was complaining about his job and I told him to go back to school. I guess it’s a touchy subject with him.”

  “Is he coming back?”

  “I don’t know.”

  My eyes well with tears. The thought of losing Kevin as a friend and Jason as a boyfriend all in one day goes straight to my heart. I rush into Ignatius’s arms, crying my head off. The only thing is, instead of comforting me, he starts crying, too, something I’ve never seen him do before.

  “I love him,” he tells me.

  “What is with these men of ours?”

  “I don’t know. I just want him back.”

  “Call him up and apologize,” I tell him.

  “You call Jason up and apologize.”

  “Deal.”

  We dry our eyes and both go for our phones, but both our calls go straight to voicemail.

  “Looks like we’re screwed,” he tells me. “Let’s open another bottle of wine and cheer ourselves up.”

  I like sitting here talking to Ignatius over a bottle of wine. He had some big adventures before he came to work for us, and he knows how to fight well.

  “Maybe you should teach me some moves.”

  “Go put on some workout clothes, and don’t you tell your uncle. He wants you to be a fine young lady someday.”

  “Aw, I’m good enough for a sports guy.”

  When I come back downstairs, dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, Ignatius has taken off his shirt and is ready for me.

  “Look at your chest,” I tell him, going up to him and running my fingers through the thick, silky hair to get to the muscles underneath. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Yes. Nice, huh? I’ve been working out extra hard. I tried to get Kevin involved, too, but he likes to sit around and play air guitar and video games. Youth is wasted on the young.”

  “I know. Look at me. My uncle wants me to sit around acting like a lady, but I want some adventures, too.”

  “You should quit your job,” he tells me. “It’s a waste of your time and talent. Nine dollars an hour, indeed.”

  “I know. We could’ve been partying in Reno.”

  “Let’s go anyway. We can spend a couple of nights and be back before your uncle gets here. They won’t be home before eight or nine on Sunday.”

  “I thought you were going to teach me some moves. Besides, we wouldn’t even get there until, like, three in the morning.”

  “All right. I’ll teach you how to throw a good right hook. But let’s get up and go early in the morning.”

  “Okay. Sounds like a plan.”

  “Yes. Just like that, Miranda. Keep your fist closed tight and follow through with your elbow.”

  “Hit them with my elbow, do you mean?”

  “No, but you can. The elbow is very hard.”

  “Will Uncle Tommy make me eat wood, do you think, for going to Reno? I’m still going, but do you think he’ll get mad?”

  “You win some money and he’ll be proud of you. Now pay attention and show me what you just learned.”

  We drink wine and play-fight the rest of the evening, and even spend some time packing our bags. The good thing about Ignatius is, he hardly ever gets hung over, so he has no problem in the morning, although my head hurts a little. Since his car’s kind of a heap, I let him drive my car and I spend most of the trip up sleeping. We make good time to Reno and check into our hotel.

  “I just know something awesome is going to happen on this trip.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know, but much more than would happen at home.”

  Ignatius and I share a room, mostly so he can keep an eye on me, although he says it’s just because he’s lonely and needs my constant chatter to keep his mind off Kevin.

  “Well, I need your big mouth to keep my mind off Jason, then.”

  “Just unpack your bag so we can get down to the casino. Do you have your eighteen hundred?”

  “Yes, and I’m putting it all on red.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that?”

  “Yes. Maybe if I win, it means Jason will come back to me and Kevin will come back to you and we’ll all be happy together.”

  “All that from one bet?”

  “Yeah. Plus, I can put it in the bank so I’m not broke until allowance day. Besides, I have to pay Jason back for buying me those clothes when Uncle Tommy kicked me out.”

  “You have big plans, I see. Break a leg.”

  “Of course, if I win, I’m going to keep a thousand aside so we can play slots and stuff.”

  “I have some money tucked away. Don’t you worry about that.”

  “Where’d you get money?”

  “I pay no rent, and I save. That’s why I recommend a budget to you.”

  “Uncle Tommy always says I’m kind of careless with my money, but I’ve learned something lately.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Not everybody has a lot of money to spend.”

  He tilts his head back and laughs.

  “Miranda, you are one of a kind.”

  “No. For real. Like, Jason has to be on a budget, or he won’t have enough money to pay his car payment and his mortgage and stuff. Can you believe him, though? He was actually going to start paying my bills, too.”

  “My God. You want to hold onto a man like that. Ready to go?”

  “Okay, but I’m kind of nervous. If I lose, I’ll have to take an advance on Uncle Tommy’s credit card, and I’ll eat wood for sure if I do that.”

  Lucky for me, I win. The ball hits on red, so I walk away from the table with thirty-six hundred bucks. We go right upstairs and put all but a thousand into the safe, and I even have Ignatius hang onto five
hundred of that for me.

  “See how good I’m doing at budgeting?”

  “You’re doing spectacular. Come on. I’ll teach you how to play Craps. It’s better odds anyway.”

  We have lots of fun that night, and it’s a pretty good adventure to be on. I wonder about Jason, if he ever gambles, or if he even knows how. I realize there are a lot of things I don’t know about him, but I’m looking forward to learning everything. I’ve totally decided to take him back, even if he does spank me even harder than Uncle Tommy does. I kind of wonder how he’ll feel about me gambling, since he’s kind of a straight and narrow type of guy, but he can’t punish me for something I’m doing while we’re broken up, can he?

  Besides, if Ignatius thinks it’s all right, then it must be, because he’d never try to anger Uncle Tommy or go against his wishes.

  We split up for a little while because Ignatius wants to try his luck at Blackjack, and I really don’t get cards, but he doesn’t stay gone very long. He’s keeping a sharp eye on me to make sure I don’t get into any trouble.

  “God, quit watching me like a hawk,” I tell him. “I’m in a nice, safe casino. What could possibly go wrong?”

  “You watch how much you drink, all right? I know it’s fun to get free drinks, but don’t go crazy.”

  “Yes, Dad. Have you heard from Kevin?”

  “No. Have you heard from Jason?”

  “No. Not yet, but they’ve got an early game in the morning, so not even Uncle Tommy has called me tonight.”

  “I’ll be glad when they get home.”

  “Me, too.”

  I’m sitting there playing the slots when two guys come up nearby arguing. At first, I don’t even pay attention to them, so I don’t know what they’re fighting about, but just as I turn my head to look, one of them picks up one of the heavy chairs and throws it at the other. It doesn’t quite go in the trajectory he intends, and it misses the other guy by a wide margin.

  Unfortunately, it doesn’t miss me at all, and even though I sort of duck, it whacks me square in the side of the head and on my shoulder.

  “Ow, you fucking freak!” I feel for a lump, but it’s worse than that. There’s blood running down the side of my head. “Oh, Goddamnit.”

  I’m just about to jump up and practice my right hook, but before I know it, Ignatius is there. The two of them try to run away, but he catches the one who threw the chair and totally clocks him. The bouncers are all over both of the guys and drag them away, and suddenly people are swarming me, pressing towels and ice packs against my wound. They hustle me off the casino floor and into a little room where only the employees are supposed to be, and they sit me down at a scarred wooden table.

  “Call an ambulance,” I hear, but that’s the last thing I want. One of the cocktail waitresses comes and holds my hand, and the floor manager has cashed out my machine and is giving my winnings to Ignatius to hold onto.

  “I can’t go to the hospital,” I say. “I’m supposed to go home in the morning.”

  “Shhh,” Ignatius tells me. “You need stitches.”

  “Does this mean I’ll have another scar on my head?”

  “Yes, I think so. Your uncle’s going to kill me.”

  “It’s not your fault. I’ll tell him it’s not your fault.”

  Before I know it, the ambulance has arrived and they’re carting me off on a stretcher.

  Once I’m lying down with my neck stabilized and everything, I realize how tired I am, but they won’t let me sleep.

  “Don’t go to sleep, okay, Miranda?” says the paramedic in a loud voice. “Stay awake for me.”

  “Are we almost there?”

  “We’re pulling up now.”

  “Good, because that siren’s annoying. Where’s Ignatius?”

  “Your friend? He’s following along behind. He’ll meet us here in a minute.”

  “I think they hit me a lot harder than I thought.”

  The ambulance stops and they get me out and wheel me into the hospital. I try to look around, but I can’t see much farther than the acoustic tiles on the ceiling.

  “Bay seven.” “...X-rays of C1 through C7 and her shoulder.” “...CAT scan.” “...cut her braid off.”

  “Oh, hell no,” I say. “Let me unbraid it.”

  Since I’m conscious and still kind of lively at that point, they do, and I take the braid out while I’m lying there waiting to be taken to the X-ray department. I’m surprised they’re so worried about that when it’s my head that’s hurt, but whatever. They keep bugging me to stay awake, and I try harder now, afraid they’ll take the scissors after me if I go to sleep.

  Finally, after, like, an hour, the doctor comes to do my stitches. Ignatius is with me now, and he holds my hand as the doctor shoots my head full of Novocain. It hurts so bad it curls my toes, but soon, it’s numb enough for her to sew me up. She’s a nice doctor, one who understands the importance of a woman’s hair, and she apologetically buzzes only a very small strip.

  “It’ll grow back in before you know it,” she tells me, as she gets to work on my head. A male nurse comes and puts my x-rays on that light thing they have on the wall, and when the doctor’s finished stitching me up, she goes and studies them.

  “No fractures, so you’re good there. I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t hurt for the next week or so, though.”

  “She took a pretty good hit,” says Ignatius.

  Just then, another doctor comes and tells the lady doctor that my cat scan is all clear, but by then, the police are there, asking me a bunch of questions about what happened. Once they finally leave, a nurse comes by and gives me verbal instructions to follow after they discharge me.

  “How many stitches?” I ask.

  “Eleven.”

  “Uncle Tommy’s going to flip out,” I tell Ignatius.

  “I know.”

  “How are we getting back to the hotel?”

  “They sent a car.”

  By the time we get back to the hotel, it’s around two-thirty in the morning. I am completely wiped out, so we go up to our room so I can take a shower and wash all the blood out of my hair, and then lie down until it’s time to go. I guess Ignatius takes a catnap, too, because it’s already light out when he wakes me up to go.

  “Will you drive?” I ask him. “I’m too tired.”

  “Yeah. Come on.”

  He walks me down to the car. Our bags are already loaded into it, and the valet hands him the keys.

  “Did you check the safe?” I ask him.

  “Yeah. Don’t worry. You did pretty well last night, except for getting your head bashed in. You came out with thirty-nine hundred dollars.”

  “That’s cool.”

  When I open my eyes again, we’re in the mountains.

  “Where are we?”

  “About three hours from home. Do you need to stop?”

  “No. I’m okay.”

  I close my eyes and the next thing I know, we’re driving through a town.

  “Where are we now?”

  “Grass Valley.”

  “Okay.”

  This time, I don’t wake up until we’re pulling into our driveway at home. Ignatius helps me from the car and walks me into the house. I’ve stiffened up quite a bit since this morning, and I just don’t feel like climbing the stairs to my room.

  “Can I sleep on the couch in the media room?”

  “Yes. Definitely.”

  I sit there until he has the couch all made up and has turned on the TV. He gives me one of my pain pills and gets me all situated before turning the lights down low. Before I know it, I’m asleep again.

  The next time I wake up, Ignatius is asleep in Uncle Tommy’s favorite chair, so I fall back asleep, too, for a long time. This time when I wake up, Jason’s sitting there watching TV.

  “Did you get your keys?” I ask. “I left them with Ignatius.”

  He grins.

  “You ask me that every time you wake up.”

  �
�I haven’t been awake.”

  “Yes, you have. Three or four times since I got here. And yes, the new scar’s okay with me.”

  “You saw it? How horrifying is it?”

  “It’s not too bad, but I don’t think you’ll want to braid your hair any time soon.”

  “Maybe you can help me take this other one out, so I at least match.”

  “Sure. Let me help you sit up.”

  Jason holds out a hand to help me and I take it. He pulls me up into a sitting position and then he sits down. We’re shoulder-to-shoulder, him on my right side. He takes the end of my braid in his hands and works the rubber band loose, and then he turns my left hand up and puts it in my palm for safekeeping.

  “Hang onto that,” he says.

  He sits there unraveling my braid, careful not to pull or hurt me in any way. Before long, my hair’s hanging long and loose and he smiles.

  “Now you look like Morticia Addams.”

  “Except she didn’t have a swollen head and this collar thing around her neck.”

  “No. She didn’t. Can I kiss you?” he asks.

  “Only if you’re really careful.”

  Jason smiles and leans in to kiss me, but it’s not the kiss I expected. It’s just a simple peck on the lips.

  “Why the lame kiss?” I ask him. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

  “You said be careful. Besides, I’ve been sitting here for fourteen hours waiting for you to wake up, so what do you think? Isn’t that proof enough?”

  “What about Uncle Tommy? Where’s he?”

  “He went to speak to a lawyer. He’s pretty pissed off about this whole thing.”

  “At me?”

  “No. At the bastards who did this.”

  “What about you? Are you mad at me?”

  “For what? You didn’t do anything, did you? Ignatius said you were just sitting there playing quietly when this pair of crackheads came up and started brawling beside you.”

  “I didn’t even have time to get out of the way,” I tell him. “And such a nice casino, too.”

  “Ignatius said they were arrested and banned from the property for life.”

  “Good. They deserve it. He punched one of them in the face, too. I hope he didn’t hurt his hand.”

  “Nah. He’s all right. Did you have fun before you got hurt?”

  “Yes! I won a bunch of money and Ignatius taught me to play Craps. Mostly. There are still a couple of things I don’t get.”