Roots Before Branches

by Abigail Tyrrell

  “Charlie?” I heard Ezra open the door again and I shuffled over to the edge of the ladder and looked down at him.

  “I’m up here,” I smirked, “I don’t think you will fit,” I teased, “you’re too tall.”

  “I can fit,” he said and started to climb up the ladder so I moved away and lay back on the mattress again. Ezra managed to lay beside me and laughed.

  “I think there is just enough room for me. You can be in charge of changing the sheets though.”

  “Oh? Making me a house person now?” I smirked.

  “Absolutely. I expect this place to always be spotless and dinner on the table for when I get home.”

  “Good luck with that. I’m a terrible cook. I will probably burn the whole place down.”

  “You tell me that after I have given the deposit? You’re unbelievable.”

  “You going to break up with me now?”

  “Yes.” I pouted at his answer and he raised his eyebrows.

  “I never said I could cook!”

  “That’s true,” he huffed, “but I can’t cook either so we will starve.”

  “I can make sandwiches,” I suggested and he looked at me with a serious expression on his face.

  “I guess that will have to do,” he sighed but then couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

  “Can I kiss you now please?” I asked and he nodded so

  I cupped his cheeks in my hands and gave him a short but passionate kiss. “First kiss in the apartment,” I said when my lips left his.

  “It was perfect,” he said softly, “the landlady, Louisa, said she has an old desk she can bring up for us. I told her you were an artist.”

  “That’s so nice of her. But where will we put it?” I laughed.

  “I thought we could shuffle some thing’s around, so you can have it in front of the window. I know the view isn’t exactly inspiring but it would be the best place for light wouldn’t it?”

  “It would,” I said contently, “thank you.” I wanted to tell him I loved him and the words nearly came out of my mouth but I felt that would be too much fast moving for one day. We spent a couple of hours in the apartment together, and we helped Louisa bring the desk up and then moved around the furniture that was in there. We managed to get the desk in front of the window like Ezra had suggested and had the sofa facing the window, just beside the ladder. The back of the sofa was facing the kitchen so it acted as a sort of room divider and worked well. It felt surreal being in a space like that with Ez, and I hated that I had to leave him to return to my aunt’s. I knew if I was out all day I would only get more grief when I returned, so when I left, it was reluctant but necessary.

  I was lucky that when I got home Victor had drove to town to get groceries, which left Hildie on her own. I found her rummaging about in the new greenhouse, planting some seeds. To start with I asked her if she needed any help with anything and planted a few things with her and chatted idly about how things were back in England. I felt nervous knowing I now had the question about Ezra sitting in my mind, but knew that I had to get it out before the joy that was Victor returned home.

  “I have to do a portrait for college,” I said, looking down as I planted a few more seeds into a grow bag.

  “Oh? Who are you going to use? Before you ask you can’t use me,” she laughed.

  “Well, actually, before I left I asked Ezra if I could draw

  Him.” I let the suggestion hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “He said yes. And he would be really good to draw, his bone structure is like an artists dream to capture.”

  “Monsieur Bardet won’t approve of that,” she said quietly.

  “It won’t be during the week. I can see if he can come over after work or something,” I suggested.

  “I don’t know Charlie,” she said reluctantly and looked unsure.

  “Please? It would really mean a lot to me, and it’s not like I have loads of people to ask…”

  “Okay,” she sighed, “but only on his own time, not when he is working.” I felt so happy at her response that I could have kissed her, but simply gave her a big smile, knowing she wouldn’t want me near her with muddy hands.

  “Thank you. You really are the best.”

  MOTHER

  I had another week before I had to return to college and I knew I was going to try and spend every minute that I could with Ezra before then. I managed to speak to him for five minutes when he was working while Victor was taking a bath. He remembered our discussion about the portrait from before I left and seemed excited to spend time with me but doing something that I really enjoyed. He said he would stay after work that day so I could start, and I had promised him that I would make my excuses to stay at the apartment with him the following night. I felt like I was just counting down the minutes all day until five when he would finish work and I would finally get to spend private time with him. Victor had been adamantly against me using Ezra as a model, but Hildie put her foot down and insisted that I be allowed to express myself creatively however I saw fit. I really loved her for that.

  “What happened to your mother?” The question slipped out of Ezra’s lips so casually that I wasn’t sure if it was a spur of the moment question or something that he had been wanting to ask for a while. I turned on my side to look at him and pushed my sunglasses up onto the top of my head as I thought of the best way to answer as it was something I had never actually been asked before so openly.

  “What do you think happened to my mother?” I asked, and sharpened my pencil with a small knife.

  “I have no idea,” he laughed and looked back at me, using his hand to shield the sun from his eyes. “Which is why I asked.”

  “Well, she ran away with another man.” I shrugged and lay back on the lounger again, put the sunglasses back on my face and continued to draw lazily.

  “Oh? When?”

  “I was eight. I remember her packing up her suitcase. She would sometimes leave and come back a few days later, but this time she didn’t.”

  “She didn’t tell you?” I could tell that he was concerned by his tone and it pleased me that he was so caring.

  “No. I’ve never seen her again either. She kissed both of my cheeks, told me that she loved me, then left.”

  “That must have been hard. You’ve really not seen her since then?”

  “She sends us birthday and Christmas cards. She forgot my birthday last year. But, honestly? It wasn’t that hard. I loved my mother out of duty. Not because I wanted to.”

  “You didn’t get on?” His voice was so calm, I felt like I could spill all my darkest secrets to him and he wouldn’t even think about judging me.

  “Dad said she had cried for hours and refused to hold me when I was born. He would come home some days and would hear me screaming, alone in my crib, and she would have gone out.”

  “What?” I watched as he sat up and he reached over and placed his hand on my arm. His skin was rough, from all the manual work, yet his touch was the most gentle and soft thing I had ever felt. I took my glasses off and looked at him again.

  “It’s okay. She was much better with my brother apparently.”

  “But that must have been awful for you. Did it not get better as you got older?”

  “No,” I chuckled, laughing was the only way to cover how much it actually hurt. “She came back home late one night and I woke to find her standing at the bottom of my bed. I asked her if she was okay and she laughed at me. She then said she had never hated anyone as much as she hated me and left the room.” My voice cracked as I spoke and I was suddenly aware of how vulnerable I felt talking so openly about it, something I had never shared with anyone before.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “ You haven’t upset me. I just haven’t thought about it for a long time,” I said and quickly wiped my eyes because I feared that I might have tears brewing. “She had bipolar disorder.”

  “Wow, that must have been really hard for
all your family. Did she not take medication?” he asked.

  “Dad said she thought that the medication was poisoning her. She didn’t trust any of the doctors. I think that’s why he’s been so scared about me…”

  “Why would he be scared about you?” Ezra frowned and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

  “I was diagnosed when I was fifteen. I’m on medication now. It’s as under control as it can be,” I said and Ezra brought his hand to my chin and gently tilted my head to look at me.

  “It doesn’t change you Charlie,” he smiled, “it also doesn’t mean that you are going to be like your mother either.”

  “Thanks.” I gave him a small smile back.

  “Want me to get you some lemonade?” He kept his smile on his face and I nodded.

  “Don’t let Victor catch you though,” I warned.

  “I won’t, luckily you can hear him coming a mile off with the way he stomps about.” He was gone a while before he came back, glass of cool lemonade in hand and he apologised for taking so long.

  “Your aunt wanted to know how my portrait was coming along,” he smirked.

  “Yeah? And what did you tell her?”

  “I said you refuse to show me until it’s finished. She then waved me out of the room, you know how she does it.” I laughed and mimicked the way my aunt would wave her hand casually in the air towards the door without saying a word. “You’ve got it down perfectly,” Ezra praised.

  “Where do you think she got it from?” I said with a grin.

  “Oh, so you’re the pompous one in the household?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that-“

  “What would you say?”

  “I’m the trend setter.” Ezra laughed loudly then and this time my smile at him was entirely genuine.

  “You certainly are Charlie.”

  “I was worried that you had been caught and Victor was

  giving you your marching orders.”

  “No, I don’t think he’s even here,” he said and glanced at the house. “Why is he such a jerk? Was that right? Did I use the word right?”

  “You did,” I nodded, “and I don’t know. I don’t see what Hildie sees in him. He’s been a complete idiot since he moved in here. Not that I knew what he was like before, but I didn’t imagine this.”

  “I wonder if he has something to prove.”

  “Like what?” I laughed.

  “Dominance? Maybe he has a son who never listened to him or something, and he wants to show you who is boss.”

  “Maybe,” I scoffed and handed Ezra my sketch pad. “What do you think?” I watched as he looked over all of the lines and a smile spread across his face.

  “Is this what I really look like?” he asked.

  “Yes, why?”

  “Well, I look handsome in this.”

  “You are handsome,” I smiled fondly, “most handsome man I have ever seen.”

  “You flatter me,” he said and handed back my sketch book.

  “It’s the truth. But I like that you aren’t big headed about it.”

  “You aren’t either, big headed, you must know how attractive you are.” His words took me by surprise as although I knew that I wasn’t ugly by today’s standards, I was so hard on myself that I didn’t really ever see myself as attractive either.

  “You’re kind,” I said and fiddled with my elastic band and Ezra reached out and placed his hand over my wrist to stop me.

  “Stop. You don’t need to do that,” he said and I could see in his face that he had observed me using it to hurt my skin before.

  “Do what?” I asked, trying to avoid the situation but Ezra gave me a look that showed he knew exactly what I was doing.

  “You pull on that band a lot, I’ve seen you do it,” he said ,“I’ve seen how red your skin is sometimes.”

  “I don’t do it a lot,” I protested, “it’s just a nervous thing.”

  “I just worry that you are hurting yourself. I don’t like seeing your skin looking so red and raw.” He rubbed his thumb up under the elastic and it stung a little where he touched the exposed skin but I didn’t let any pain show on my face. I was good at hiding that.

  “I will try to stop,” I said, “I promise I will try.”

  “I love you,” he whispered and I gave him a warm, happy smile back.

  “I love you too Ezra.”

  HENRY

  My first day back at college Victor insisted driving me in and we drove in silence the whole way there. It baffled me why he wanted to take me, what he was hoping to achieve by doing it. When he pulled up outside the college building he put his hand on my chest to stop me getting out of the car.

  “What time do you finish?” he asked seriously.

  “Three why?”

  “I will be here at three to pick you up.”

  “It’s okay, I can walk home, thanks though.”

  “No. I will pick you up. We don’t want you walking home any more. It is for your own good.”

  “For my own good?” I blinked slowly at him. “What do you mean? I normally walk to college and home again.”

  “Not any more. Your aunt and I have decided this is the best thing for your final term.”

  “Right…okay.” I glanced down at his hand on my chest and suddenly felt really intimidated by him. “Can I get out now?”

  “Don’t be late,” he warned and moved his hand and placed it back on the steering wheel.

  “I won’t,” I said and reached to the back seat to grab my bag and got out of the car. I watched as he drove off quickly and couldn’t stop myself from thinking just how weird the whole exchange was. I didn’t have time to dwell on it too much though as I saw Ishmael making his way towards the building and I decided to wait for him so we could walk in together. He had a cane with him today which I had never seen him use before, for all I knew he could always have it though, I rarely ever saw him with clothes on let alone walking around town with or without a cane.

  “Hello Ishmael.” I smiled at him when he reached me and he shook my hand.

  “Hello Charlie.” He smiled back and I was pleased that he had remembered my name given how many students he must have come into contact with.

  “How are you?”

  “I have cancer, but I’m not dead yet.” He had a twinkle in his eye and I couldn’t help but feel warmth coming from him.

  “Well I’m pleased about that. Are you modeling for us today?”

  “Who knows.” He shrugged as we reached the main doors and I held one open for him to walk inside. “I just go where ever they tell me.”

  “Well, hopefully it is with us, you are one of my favourite subjects.”

  “I don’t believe that for one moment. I bet you have some beautiful ladies come in to model,” he laughed.

  “No, I mean it,” I said and stood at reception with him. “I think you are the most interesting.”

  “Well, thank you, Charlie,” he smiled and patted me on the arm. “I hope to see you later.”

  “Me too,” I said and left him to speak with the receptionist and made my way to my class.

  Henry was sitting in my usual seat when I got there so I pulled up a chair beside him to get as close to my usual space as possible. It may have seemed petty but it was where the light was best in the room and I had grown rather fond of the area.

  “Hi,” Henry said as I sat beside him. “Can I talk to you do you think?”

  “Er, yeah, sure, everything okay?” I asked, feeling a little worried as he looked serious which was not something Henry usually was.

  “Jessica was in the cafe down at the square last week,” he said quietly.

  “Yeah? That’s okay isn’t it?”

  “She said you were holding hands with some guy then left with him.”

  “What?” I frowned, Ezra had held my hand for a few seconds, surely not long enough for anyone to see or get any kind of impression from it.

  “Look, man, if you’re gay you need to tell me.”r />
  “I don’t need to tell you anything Henry.”

  “I would like for you to tell me.”

  “What does it matter?” I knew that by avoiding the question directly wasn’t going to do me any favours but at the same time I didn’t feel like I owned him any kind of explanation.

  “I need to know if you’ve been perving on me,” he said angrily, his tone still low.

  “You cannot be serious?” I gave a bitter laugh as I looked at him. “My sexuality is none of your business. Either way, you are letting that big head of yours get in the way. I am not interested in you.”

  “Always knew you were a queer,” he said in disgust and got up to move away from me. I knew I probably shouldn’t have been but I was really surprised by his reaction and the way he spoke to me. Henry could be a complete idiot but he never struck me as someone who would be homophobic. It goes to show that people can surprise you in many ways. I could see him talking to some of the other students from where I was, most of them didn’t seem interested in what he was saying but there was a couple who didn’t take their eyes off of me for the whole lesson. I felt awkward the entire time and was disappointed that Ishmael wasn’t even our model so I wouldn’t be able to hear any of his stories to help the time pass quicker. I could feel the hatred oozing from Henry, making it’s way across the room to where I was sitting. I couldn’t focus. I barely managed to sketch out a couple of marks on my canvas and my tutor had looked at me in disappointment. I reached down to my wrist but I had taken the elastic band off when Ezra asked me to stop. I hadn’t felt like needing it again until now, so I scratched the top of my hand until the skin felt raw.

  When leaving class that afternoon I felt Henry’s hand on my arm and he gripped my bicep tightly.

  “Henry what are you doing?” I snapped angrily and he pulled me into one of the empty classrooms. I felt a sudden panic and urge to call out, but I didn’t, I tripped over my own feet into the room and looked at him in confusion.